FADE IN:

EXT. BEN AFFLECK'S GRIMDARK DREAMWORLD

ZACK SNYDER decides that his horribly overstuffed movie should open with a long, drawn-out, time-wasting dream sequence of BATMAN'S PARENTS GETTING SHOT and YOUNG BATMAN FINDING THE BATCAVE, since those are THE TWO THINGS EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT BATMAN.

EXT. METROPOLIS - END OF MAN OF STEEL

As SUPER-CAVILL and GENERAL SHANNON play WHACK-A-SKYSCRAPER, JASON SUDEIKIS AS MITT ROMNEY TOUCH-OF-GREY BEN AFFLECK heroically leaps into a JEEP RENEGADE COMMERCIAL!

BEN AFFLECK

(into phone)

Jack, it's Ben! Evacuate our office now!! There's a slight chance I might not be able to save everyone all by myself!

WHOEVER THE FUCK JACK IS

(over phone)

Thank God you called, we've been standing around blankly while the whole city gets pulverized around us! ALRIGHT EVERYONE BEN SAID IT'S OKAY TO LEAVE

(is crushed)

BEN AFFLECK

(glaring overhead)

Ooo, how I hate you, Super-Cavill! There, I hope everyone's satisfied that the cataclysmic end of Man of Steel actually had consequences.

THOUSANDS OF HORRIBLY MUTILATED DEAD

(utterly unseen)

EXT. WARLORD TERRORIST DESERT CAMP

AMY ADAMS interviews some warlord terrorist dude using her KEENLY HONED JOURNALISM POWERS.

AMY ADAMS

So what's it like being a terrorist or whatever?

MERCENARY CALLAN MULVEY

(interrupting)

Wait, your photographer is actually CIA! So he dies now!

(shoots photographer)

Oh and guess what, THAT WAS JIMMY FUCKING OLSEN ASSHOLES!! Check IMDB if you don't believe me! We just killed off a long-standing character AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT, HAHAHAHAHA WE'RE SO EDGY

CALLAN starts SHOOTING DUDES and SOME OF THE MERCENARIES gun down ALL THE OTHERS for reasons that have NOTHING TO DO with anything else going on and won’t be explained for another HOUR AND A HALF. Then they FUCK OFF as the air shatters with the arrival of CAV-ILL, LAST SHART OF CRAPTOWN!

AMY ADAMS

(finishing Jumble puzzle)

Phew! Hey babe.

SUPER-CAVILL demolishes WARLORD DUDE before he can shoot AMY, establishing that any plan hinging on FIRING A GUN before SUPER-CAVILL can pulverize your insides is doomed to failure.

INT. LEXCORP OFFICES / USED ELECTRONICS STORE - METROPOLIS

SUPER-CAVILL'S reckless foreign policy has spurred CONGRESS into action! Congresswoman HOLLY HUNTER finds a GOLDEN TICKET that gives her an audience with JESSE EISENBERG.

HOLLY HUNTER

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Luthor.

JESSE EISENBERG

Oh please, MISTER Luthor was my father. And the cool, interesting, menacing villain, was also my father. I, on the other hand, am a sentient facepunch.

HOLLY HUNTER

So how can you help us deal with Super-Cavill?

JESSE EISENBERG

Allow me to import a big rock of Kryptonite. And give me Michael Shannon's corpse from last movie. And full access to his alien spaceship. And don't supervise me or at any time check on what the fuck I'm up to.

HOLLY HUNTER

(grins)

Feed my colleague like he's a drooling infant and it's a deal!

INT. AMY ADAMS'S APARTMENT

AMY ADAMS is having a BATH keeping her boobs juuuuuuuuuuust out of view when HENRY CAVILL comes home.

HENRY CAVILL

Wait, we're living together as Lois and Clark? When everybody knows that Super-Cavill and Lois are a thing? Do we not give a shit about my secret identity anymore? Why would oh hey boobs.

They FUCK and presumably HENRY pulls out and merely PERFORATES THE BATHROOM WALL.

INT. THE BENCAVE

BEN takes a break from his DEAD PARENT DREAMS to do some Bat-computer shit with butler JEREMY IRONS.

BEN AFFLECK

Dammit, someone is smuggling in Kryptonite to kill Super-Cavill, and that's MY plan! I'm gonna fuck those guys up. Or hire them, haven't decided.

JEREMY IRONS

So who decided the cornerstone of this new Justice League franchise should be old, busted-up Batman? With a post-alcoholic divorced-Dad bod who can't seem to bend at the waist? Seriously, you move like a He-Man doll.

INT. DAILY PLANET

The DAILY PLANET STAFF are standing around ARGUING.

HENRY CAVILL

Dammit Laurence, we need to do a story on the Batfleck! Apparently people need to be told about the highly stylized vigilante crusade that's been going on for decades and HAS ITS OWN CUSTOM BAT-SIGNAL.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Why would we do a story on Gotham City? It’s halfway across the country.

HENRY CAVILL

Actually it’s right over there.

(points)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Are you shitting me? Metropolis and Gotham are suddenly as close as downtown Los Angeles and another part of downtown Los Angeles? And I guess Paradise Island is way over by, what, Long Beach?? Why the fuck did this happen?

HENRY CAVILL

As far as I know, the only reason for this huge continuity-fucking decision was so that a Bat-Signal in Gotham could be seen in Metropolis. By someone with telescopic vision.

INT. FANCY LEXCORP FUNCTION THING

BEN learns that the smuggled Kryptonite connects to JESSE EISENBERG at the precise instant he gets invited to JESSE EISENBERG'S DATA FORTRESS for a social event, since it is the second Monday in PRETTYFUCKINGCONVENIENTBER.

JESSE EISENBERG

Hello guests! I'm so quirky and manic!

(pushes aside Oompa-Loompas)

Well well, look at this! Henry Cavill meets Ben Affleck! Of course, why should I care, Henry is some schlub reporter, right? Not that he's made any effort to develop a "Clark Kent" persona, but still.

HENRY CAVILL

Pleased to meet you Ben. So I think your city's superhero is a lawless murdering asshole who endangers innocent lives, what do you say to that?

BEN AFFLECK

Yeah, well, I think YOUR city's superhero is a lawless murdering asshole who endangers innocent lives, so there!

JESSE EISENBERG

You know, arguments are usually more compelling when people take opposite sides of an issue.

HENRY CAVILL

Fine, let's just go about our business. I'm here covering sports or something.

BEN tries to steal some DATA from JESSE but his SPY GIZMO is taken by GAL GADOT!

GAL GADOT

Hm, this is too encrypted for me, you can have it. But there's an embarrassing selfie of me in there that I need to steal back, because that's how digital files work right?

BEN AFFLECK

No problem, if I find it I'll deduce your email address out of thin air and send it over. Wait, don't tell me, is it [email protected]?

Meanwhile HENRY sees someone in trouble on CNN and flies halfway around the world to rescue her.

RESCUED GIRL

Thanks, Super-Cavill! Um, you do realize there are individual people in mortal danger every second of every day, somewhere on Earth, right? If you only rescue people on TV then aren't you implicitly handing moral authority over to the media, abdicating your personal responsibility behind a smokescreen of perception bias which

SUPER-CAVILL

LOOKS LIKE THIS WAS A JOB... FOR SUPER-CAVILL!!

(lowers himself into crowd)

YES, EVERYONE LAY ADORING HANDS ON ME, OH YEAHH, YEAHHH THAT'S IT, MMMMM YESSSSSSS

(perforates wall)

INT. THE BENCAVE

BEN begins decrypting JESSE'S DATA and...

EXT. DESERT COMPOUND SOMEWHERE

DUSTCOAT-ACTION BATFLECK

Wait, where are we? Why do I need a coat over my Bat-armour? Is this another dream? Who am I fighting? Should anyone care about any of this?!? WTF now there's flying beasties and Super-Cavill is killing me and-

SCREAMING EZRA MILLER

(inside blinding light so good luck recognizing him)

AAAAGHHHH BLAAAGH YOU WERE RIGHT BEN AAAGHHHH YOU'VE GOTTA SAVE US WARNER BROTHERS HAS ANOTHER TEN YEARS OF THIS SHIT PLANNED YOU'VE GOTTA STOP THEM AAAAAAAGHAHAAAAAGHHHH

INT. BENCAVE

...the data finishes decrypting.

BEN AFFLECK

What the hell was that? Did Future-Flash interrupt a bad dream, or was it a glimpse of the future? Is Batman a precog now?? Why are we being so fucking obtuse about everything?!?

In the DATA, BEN finds some TEASER TRAILERS and a photo of WONDER WOMAN AND THE HOWLING COMMANDOS, plus he gets to reveal LOCATION 12: THE DOCKS!

EXT. GOTHAM DOCKS

THE BATFLECK finds the ABSOLUTE TALLEST GODDAMN THING HE CAN to stand on so that he can put a TRACKER on a TRUCK, something he could have achieved ON THE GROUND.

THE BATFLECK

Excellent, now I can stealthily trace them to wherever they FUCK THAT, CAR CHASE TIIIME!!!

THE BATFLECK straight up BATMURDERS the BATFUCK out of a BUNCH OF BAD GUYS with his SMASHMOBILE that can smash through WALLS and TRUCKS and OCEAN FREIGHTERS---but not SUPER-CAVILL!!

SUPER-CAVILL

(darkgrimly)

The Bat is dead. Quit now.

THE BATFLECK

Damn. So I guess you’re gonna throw my car into the sun now along with my suit, equipment, and secret lair? After you stop those criminals firing military-grade weapons in every direction?

SUPER-CAVILL

And the answers are nope and fuck that. I'm curious though, why do you even bother branding people to die in prison, when you're clearly fine with massacring them in the streets?

THE BATFLECK

Oh that's rich, the guy who hovers over flood victims while checking the serifs on their "S"-symbol is gonna lecture ME on branding. Tell me...

(grimdarkly)

...do you bleeeed?!?

SUPER-CAVILL

Look, asshole OH SHIT AMY ADAMS JUST BROKE A NAIL IN KAZHAKSTAN GOTTA GOOOOOO

(flies off)

THE BATFLECK

(calling after)

Wait I'm not done, what about excessive perspiration? Runny nose? How about anal leakage, you ever deal with that? Asking for a friend!

INT. CONGRESSIONAL HEARING

With AMY'S NAIL tended to, SUPER-CAVILL arrives dramatically while glared at by LEGLESS SCOOT MCNAIRY.

SUPER-CAVILL

Sorry I dropped that building on you during the prologue, dude.

NO-LEGS SCOOT MCNAIRY

Ooh, I hate you so much Super-Cavill, I wrote graffiti on your statue! And I also hate Affleck, who saved my life, so I graffiti over the cheques he sends me! I'm so full of hate and graffiti!

SUPER-CAVILL

Yeah. So, hi everyone, thanks for this opportunity to offer a stirring defence of the ideals and values that make Super-Cavill such an enduring hero.

(does precisely none of that)

HOLLY HUNTER

Super-Cavill, you must answer for... huh, that's... odd...

(pause)

How... did this... jar of pee... get here...

SUPER-CAVILL

Well this certainly isn't a suspicious pause that should spur me to X-Ray-vision everything in sight.

HOLLY HUNTER

Why... is.... this... payoff... taking... so.... long...

SUPER-CAVILL

At least this gives me a moment to mentally review my shopping list for next week. Let's see, we need eggs, cottage cheese--

SCOOT MCNAIRY

(exploding)

BOOOOOOOM!

The entire building EXPLODES, brutally flash-searing HOLLY and SCOOT and JESSE'S ASSISTANT WHO REALLY GOT QUITE THE REWARDING PART DIDN'T SHE into so much SLOPPY HAMBURGER.

SUPER-CAVILL

(looking around at carnage)

...oh yeah, and ground beef. Almost forgot.

EXT. HENRY CAVILL'S GRIMDARK DREAMSCAPE

Seeking refuge from a world where NANCY GRACE hates him, HENRY has a dream where he sees KEVIN COSTNER WHAAA?

KEVIN COSTNER

Surprise! Look Henry, sometimes doing good has unintended bad consequences. Creating beloved characters can lead to wretchedly awful movies, for example. Really I'm not telling you anything Diane Lane couldn't, but GOTTA HAVE MORE DREAM SEQUENCES OHHH YEAHHHH

HENRY CAVILL

There sure are a lot of fucking dream sequences for a movie that skips over key moments like Lex Luthor learning everyone's secret identity.

EXT. AFFLECK ESTATE

BEN AFFLECK

Luckily, when I demolished half that getaway truck with the Smashmobile, I missed my Bat-beacon by two centimetres. I traced it and stole the Kryptonite! So yes, I almost fucked my own plan, but it was worth it for the chance to drive straight through a guy's face.

JEREMY IRONS

Then I presume it's almost time for the big murderbattle. Did you know Superman/Batman stories used to be called "World's Finest"? I see now why we didn't use THAT title.

BEN AFFLECK

(grimdarkly)

My people were hunters, Jeremy. So like all great hunters, I'm gonna stand around in the open with a huge fucking spotlight.

BEN puts on his LIVE-ACTION LEGO BATMAN OUTFIT, stashes his best weapon 500 YARDS AWAY, turns on the BATSIGNAL and waits.

THE BATFLECK

Sure would be funny if someone chose this exact same night to send Super-Cavill to kill me.

INT. INVISIBLE COMMERCIAL AIRPLANE

GAL GADOT gets an email from BEN with all the TEASER TRAILERS, and since we're ramping things up for the big smackdown finale, we DROP EVERYTHING TO WATCH THEM.

EZRA MILLER

I’m Flash, but not the one from TV, because people actually enjoy that version!

JASON MOMOA

I’m Aquaman, lord of the sea, owner of countless memes!

JOE MORTON

And I’m some scientist guy working on weird equipment with a torso on a wall and stuff, and now there’s some black pulsy cube thing and now it’s merging with that torso and becoming something or whatever? Look, we could have gone with Black Lightning.

GAL GADOT

(frowns)

Huh, that’s all. Guess the world isn’t quite ready to think about Green Lantern again.

Just then the NEWS reports that the KRYPTONIAN SHIP is getting all ZAPPY and shit! She DEPLANES!

GAL GADOT

Good thing I had my Wonder Gadot armor and sword stashed in my carry-on baggage!

EXT. LEXCORP - HELIPAD ON ROOF

CUE: 1980S HAUNTED HOUSE COMEDY LEX LUTHOR THEME

AMY ADAMS is delivered prisoner to JESSE by CALLAN MULVEY, remember him? It's totally fine if you don't.

AMY ADAMS

Don't be too smirky Jesse. I've spent all my time since the opening scene determining that this special bullet used by Callan came from Lexcorp! You're behind everything!

JESSE EISENBERG

Um, yes, and in this scene I admit my whole plan anyway, so hooray for you accomplishing nothing.

(rat giggle)

This is all my plan to get Batfleck to kill Super-Cavill! Which is why my men shot at Batfleck and tried to keep the Kryptonite from him. You see Man must defeat God and other undergraduate philosophy bullshit! It all started when my father beat me, because this movie is just for fun and not to be taken too seriously!!

(wills factory to street urchin)

Now I need to talk to Super-Cavill, so off the roof with you!

(chucks Amy off roof)

Sure enough SUPER-CAVILL rescues AMY and then confronts JESSE.

JESSE EISENBERG

Greetings! I've kidnapped Diane Lane and in one hour she'll be killed, unless you kill the Batfleck. Yes, my plan that MOMENTS AGO relied on you pinpointing Amy's location in seconds, from wherever on Earth you happened to be, now relies on you NOT doing the exact same thing with Diane!

SUPER-CAVILL

Damn, how'd you know my super-locating power only works on women I'm boning?!? But I could still use the hour to search the city with my super-speed and X-Ray vision, which one could argue is a more heroic option than murder.

JESSE EISENBERG

It's the title of the damn movie, dude, just fucking do it.

EXT. AFFLECK ESTATE - THE BIG SHOWDOWN

SUPER-CAVILL flies in and then dramatically LANDS so as to piss away the advantage of FLIGHT.

THE BATFLECK

Dude, I've been standing out here in the rain for like half an hour.

SUPER-CAVILL

Thanks for giving me a few moments to explain the situation, BEN. Wait, when did I learn that? Eh fuck it, the crucial thing you need to know is RAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!

(attacks)

THE BATFLECK immediately KRYPTO-SHOOTS SUPER-CAVILL and...

ZACK SNYDER

NO NO NO SMASHY SMASHY MORE FITE

Oh sorry, THE BATFLECK shoots SUPER-CAVILL with a bunch of REGULAR WEAPONS that do FUCK ALL, THEN shoots him with his KRYPTONITE GUN and immediately goes in for...

ZACK SNYDER

WRONG NEEDS MOAR FITEY FITE FITE

...sorry, immediately FUCKS AROUND USELESSLY until SUPER-CAVILL gets his POWERS back, then KRYPTO-SHOOTS him AGAIN and from his belt, grabs his handy KRYPTO-KNIFE...

ZACK SNYDER

NOT YET LOTZ MOR SMASHY SMASH

...sorry, grabs a BATHROOM SINK and KEEPS FUCKING AROUND until he can reach his unwieldy oversized KRYPTO-SPEAR, and... can we move forward now please...

ZACK SNYDER

YEAH OKAY KEWL

THE BATFLECK

God, FINALLY. Now you die!

SUPER-CAVILL

(weakly)

Save... Martha...

THE BATFLECK

(freaking out)

AAAGHHHH WHY DID YOU SAY MARTHA, WHY THAT NAAAAAAAME, SERIOUSLY WHO WOULD USE THEIR MOM'S PROPER FIRST NAME IN THAT SIUTATION INSTEAD OF JUST "SAVE MY MOM" BUT OH WELL OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME SO FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID THE PAST TWO HOURS WE ARE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER NOW.

(throws spear aside)

SUPER-CAVILL

Holy fuck, the talking raccoon movie made better use of dead-mother issues than we did.

THE BATFLECK

Activate team-up mode! Jeremy Irons just pulled Diane Lane's location out of his ass, so I'll go save her while you deal with the Kryptonian ship. Since she has only minutes to live, I'll change my entire outfit first.

THE BATFLECK takes the BATPLANE to where DIANE LANE is being held.

THE BATFLECK

(into radio)

Hey Jeremy, before I go in there and kill everyone, would you check their mothers' names real quick?

JEREMY IRONS

(on radio)

Querying the Interpol database now... they're mostly Russian goons, so lots of Katyas and Olgas. There is one Maria, I hope that isn't a problem...

THE BATFLECK

NOPE WE'RE ALL GOOD IT'S BATMURDERTIIIIIME!!!!!!!

THE BATFLECK charges in and BAT-SLAUGHTERS A FUCKLOAD OF GOONS, including guys already DEFEATED, before finishing off CALLAN MULVEY with a mangled DARK KNIGHT RETURNS reference! DIANE LANE is SAVED!

EXT. METROPOLIS - AT THE KRYPTONIAN SHIP

SUPER-CAVILL arrives, thus giving his FIRST EVER FUCK about what anyone's doing with the giant spaceship full of dangerous alien tech and lethal substances and

SUPER-CAVILL

YES YES YES alright, what final snivelling bitchface whinyass plan do you have in store for me, Jesse?

JESSE EISENBERG

Turns out the ship gives absolute control to anyone who can fool its one and only security checkpoint. And it speaks English! Which has allowed me to create... DOOMSDAY!! What a complete surprise! It's got DNA from Michael Shannon and me, which has naturally created an enormous poop golem.

SUPER-CAVILL

Pretty sure that's a cave troll.

JESSE EISENBERG

Shut up it's awesome!! Because nothing's better than a final fight against a brand new enemy that's had utterly no build-up as a threat, devoid of any character or personality, right?!

SUPER-CAVILL

What were you going to do with this uncontrollable Inbred-Hulk if Batfleck had killed me?

SUPER-CAVILL and GIANT TURDPOOP MONSTER begin FIGHTING!!! They FIGHT and fly into SPACE and FIGHT MORE!! The PRESIDENT OF THE USA fires NUKES at them which QUASI-CORPSIFY HENRY and send TURDPOOP MONSTER crashing to the ground!

TURDPOOP MONSTER

MUST BLIND AUDIENCE RAARRRGHHH

TURDPOOP MONSTER begins REGENERATING IN A MASSIVE BURST OF LIGHTNING well it's either that, or FLASH made another sneak cameo by JIZZING ALL OVER THE CAMERA WITH HIS ORANGE SPEEDFORCE-INFUSED SPUNK, it's about even odds which of those actually happened.

THE BATFLECK

(flying in)

Gotta lure Doomsday back to my deserted estate! Even though Anderson Cooper has helpfully informed us that this ENTIRE DOWNTOWN AREA is one-zillion percent deserted and TOTALLY free of bystanders.

AMY ADAMS

Meanwhile I, back in Gotham with no fucking clue what's happening, have realized we need the Krypto-spear! I'll dive down to retrieve it from the water I just threw it into! Must.. restore... net effect on plot... to zero!

THE BATFLECK lures TURDPOOP MONSTER back to GOTHAM and promptly gets his ASS HANDED TO HIM.

THE BATFLECK

About to get fragged... unless someone saves me! My forearms might not be quite enough protection!!

(pause)

Damn, I'm gonna get my ticket punched while Waiting for--

CUE: WYLD STALLYNS WONDER GADOT THEME

WONDER GADOT

A-ha! I'm here to save the day, and maybe even provide one tiny scrap of validation for this shitty movie's existence!

SUPER-CAVILL heals up and rejoins the fight! He and WONDER GADOT trade mighty blows with TURDPOOP MONSTER!! The epic struggle BUSTS THE FILM'S PROJECTION EQUIPMENT so it only shows GRAY-BLACK BLOBS or GIANT ORANGE FLARES for like TEN SOLID MINUTES!!

THE BATFLECK

Um yeah, I'll be over here if anyone needs me.

SUPER-CAVILL

Wait! Amid the mayhem I've managed to hear Amy Adams' weak, futile tapping from below! She's found the spear that I really should have thought to find myself.

AMY ADAMS

So really, all I ever achieve in this whole fucking movie is cue Super-Cavill to show up? Damn, I'm Jimmy Olsen's signal-watch with a vagina.

WONDER GADOT uses her LASSO on TURDPOOP MONSTER, and BATFLECK does some fucking thing we're supposed to pretend is worth a shit, while SUPER-CAVILL grabs the KRYPTO-SPEAR!

WONDER GADOT

Quick, grab my lasso and give me the spear, I'll skewer Doomsday!

SUPER-CAVILL

Fuck that! This was supposed to be MY sequel, I'm gonna spear Doomsday even though I'm the only other person here vulnerable to Kryptonite!

SUPER-CAVILL stabs TURDPOOP MONSTER who stabs SUPER-CAVILL right back and they both DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!

SMALL CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN FIFTH ROW

(catatonic)

INT. PRISON - LATER

JESSE EISENBERG is convicted on multiple counts of PRETENTIOUS MONOLOGUES and sentenced to CONFORMING TO ESTABLISHED CONTINUITY in the form of GETTING HIS HEAD SHAVED.

JESSE EISENBERG

Huh. So I had two plans to kill Super-Cavill, and one of them worked. I achieved my only stated goal! I would be happy, if DC characters were allowed to have that emotion.

EXT. EPILOGUE

SUPER-CAVILL is given a full slo-mo MILITARY FUNERAL featuring a CUSTOM CASKET and "SORRY WE NUKED YOU" wreath. We see the SUPER-MEMORIAL has NEW GRAFFITI done in the exact same style as SCOOT'S graffiti and the graffiti by JOKER on DEAD ROBIN'S COSTUME (surely you didn't miss that crucial detail shown for one second in near-total darkness?).

AMY ADAMS

So, funerals for Henry AND Super-Cavill, huh? Why are we still keeping his identity secret anyway?

BEN AFFLECK

Mostly to make it more awkward when we have to explain why reporter Henry is alive again. Meanwhile, it's time to form the Justice League, to compete with Marvel's Cinematic Universe!

GAL GADOT

Sure, I’ll find us a couple flashlights and we can compete with the sun, too.

HENRY CAVILL

(from inside casket)

Yes, it looks grim indeed for the Man of Steel. But is this truly the END... of SUPER-CAVILL?!?

(Justice League cast announced)

Well duh.

END