FADE IN:

INT. RUNDOWN BUILDING - MOMBASA

US soldier VIN DIESEL is rescuing HOSTAGES! He starts MURDERING BAD GUYS by firing shots in random directions which always happen to have a BAD GUY at the other end.

VIN DIESEL

Now to be even more badass by setting off a smoke grenade and WALKING RIGHT THROUGH IT WITH NO EYE PROTECTION AT ALL, FUCK YESSSS

VIN defeats the FINAL BADDIE! He immediately trades in his COMBAT GEAR for a TANK TOP, HOT BABE, and FAST CAR and yep this sure is a bold new direction for VIN, maybe this version lives life a HALF KILOMETRE at a time.

EXT. AMALFI COAST - ITALY

VIN and his wife TALULAH RILEY blissfully wander about the Italian coast, partaking of sunbeam gelato and unicorn lattes oh and also SUPER HOT FUCKSEX thanks to VIN'S BACK-CRACKING HIGH-COCKTANE NITRO-JUNK.

VIN DIESEL

Okay yes this intro might seem WAAYY over the top, but that's a CLUE to the fact these are all fake simulated memories!

TALULAH RILEY

But this is how you introduce yourself in every movie.

VIN DIESEL

(smiles)

(taps temple)

The next morning VIN hopes for BREAKFAST IN BED but instead gets GOONS IN THE BATHROOM! Luckily there are only EIGHT GOONS so VIN is able to easily PULVERIZE them using ONE FINGER EACH while FLIPPING THEM OFF with the remaining two! But as he goes to warn TALULAH he is DRUGGED!!

INT. SLAUGHTERHOUSE FULL OF SLABS OF UNEXPRESSIVE BEEF

VIN wakes up tied to a CHAIR. TALULAH is also tied to a CHAIR! They are confronted by TOBY KEBBELL who is NOT tied to a CHAIR.

TOBY KEBBELL

Quake before my evil flip-flops of doom! Tremble before my silly dancing!

(plays "Psycho Killer")

Don't forget that song! Now Vin I demand information about the Mombasa operation or I will kill Talulah, all No Country for Old Men style.

VIN DIESEL

We've sure invested a lot of time building this backstory which, thanks to trailers, the audience already knows is utterly fake. Can we please get to it.

TOBY KEBBELL

I'll do what I can.

(kills Talulah!)

(kills Vin!!)

INT. FUTURISTIC LABORATORY

VIN wakes up in a futuristic TANK TOP and sees GUY PEARCE and EIZA GONZALEZ.

VIN DIESEL

Where am I? I have absolutely no memories, a fact I mention like we're out of Doritos.

GUY PEARCE

Well, you died! And I rebuilt you with nanobots. Allow Eiza and me to show you around the lab while providing no answers as to your proper identity.

VIN DIESEL

Cool.

GUY PEARCE

My scientific genius, which built my robo-arm, also rebuilds terribly wounded soldiers into enhanced combatants, or "super-soldiers", if you will. Please meet the rest of the Justice X-Venger Squad!

EIZA GONZALEZ

I was a Navy SEAL, which you can tell from my distance runner's physique. My cyber-throat allows me to breathe, and also swim with full makeup on.

SAM HEUGHAN

I had my powerful, shapely legs blown off by an IED, to the disappointment of all the Outlander fans who've rented this movie. Guy's cybernetics gave me new legs but couldn't give me a proper American accent. Ah well, it took Ewan McGregor a few movies to get it right, och laddie.

ALEX HERNANDEZ

I lost my eyes, so I have cameras stuck on every goddamn part of my body EXCEPT my eyes, where it would make sense.

GUY PEARCE

So yeah, welcome to the, ah...

(checks notes)

Valiant Cinematic Universe! Our current over/under is Dark Universe.

INT. STARK PEARCE TOWER - NIGHT

That night VIN cannot sleep, perhaps because he still has no fucking clue who he is, or perhaps those Doritos still haven't turned up, who's to say.

VIN DIESEL

Guy showed me how my nanobots can heal a cut in my palm. I bet that means I can PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PILLAR

(does so)

AW YEAH, FUCK YOU DUMB PILLAR WHICH IS PROBABLY A STRUCTURAL SUPPORT FOR THIS ROOM, FUCK YOU SO HARD

VIN spots EIZA doing her late-night underwater dance training and flexes his way over.

VIN DIESEL

Hey. We should get drunk and shit.

EIZA GONZALEZ

Sure thing! Let's put on the radio OH GOSH IS THAT "PSYCHO KILLER"? Let me just turn that up--

VIN DIESEL

Arghhh that song! I remember the start of the movie now!! RAAARGH

VIN grabs some GEAR and a TANK TOP and a TRUCK and ZOOMS OUT ALL FULL OF RAGE AND HASTE!

INT. HIGHWAY TUNNEL - BUDAPEST

VIN'S NANOBOTS use GUY'S COMPUTER NETWORK to pinpoint TOBY KEBBELL'S location. At the moment TOBY is being driven from the ALL ORANGE CITY into an ALL BLUE TUNNEL.

VIN DIESEL

I need ideas how to murder this fucker. Nanobots, access Guy's Netflix accounts!

(has SUSPIRIA 1977 beamed into brain)

All-red lighting, perfect!

(has HARD BOILED beamed into brain)

Ooh, flour. Yes. But not merely a few bags, I must use ALL THE FLOUR.

VIN smashes a GIANT TRANSPORT TRUCK FULL OF FLOUR into TOBY'S MOTORCADE! This makes everything RED. Oh, and also fills the air with HIGHLY FLAMMABLE FLOUR DUST but we're not going to worry about that.

VIN DIESEL

Now I shall have my vengeance and maybe finally find those Doritos.

VIN walks towards the GUARDS and lets himself get SHOT TO FUCK because hey, those nanobots handled a CUT TO THE HAND and PUNCHING A WALL so for sure they can handle GETTING HIS ENTIRE FACE BLOWN THE FUCK OFF RIGHT? Massive internal wounds to all major organs, that's like ONE STEP above fixing a SINGLE CLEAN SURFACE CUT, RIGHT?!?!?? Well it turns out VIN is CORRECT and he murders everyone and he's fine.

SAM HEUGHAN

Och there you are Vin. Time to head back to the lab, how you feeling?

VIN DIESEL

Let's just say it's a good thing Guy took out all my pain receptors when he put in those nanobots.

INT. GUY'S LAB

Back at the lab, VIN gets put into the NANOBOT RECHARGING DOCK, and SAM gives him an EVIL LOOK!

SAM HEUGHAN

Bwah ha ha, now that you are helpless and about to forget everything again, I can explain the truth of our evil plan to you!! I just love seeing the Luke on your face when you realize how long it's taken to finish laying out the basic premise.

VIN DIESEL

God dammit. There never were any Doritos, were there.

SAM HEUGHAN

Nope! And what's more, Toby nae killed your lassie, everything at the start was a false digital memory-simulation we stuck in your head! You've murdered a whole bunch of dudes, each time because you believed they killed Talulah Riley!

(grins)

You see, in honour of Valiant's 1990s origins, we rummaged through crappy tropes of crappy 1990s comics until we found one we could try to build a whole fucking franchise around. So basically, you are Fridge Man.

VIN DIESEL

You can't do this to me. I'll show you. I live life a half-fathom at a time.

(unconscious-ified!)

EIZA GONZALEZ

I just need to say, as the resident girl I'm having obligatory pangs of conscience.

GUY PEARCE

Silence! Don't forget I can shut off your robo-breathing remotely at any time, Eiza. You must do as I say!

(thinks)

Gosh that is a way easier means of controlling someone. Oh well we've already built this huge elaborate memory-sim-creating apparatus, might as well keep using it. Everyone reset for our new target!

SAM HEUGHAN

I'll start a massive load of laundry so we can wear the exact same clothes we do every time!

ALEX HERNANDEZ

I'll rebuild the concrete kitchen table, so that Vin can punch it in exactly the same place he always does!

GUY'S NERDY TECH ASSISTANT

My dick is small!

EVERYBODY

(uproarious laughter)

(film pauses as cast literally busts their guts laughing)

(entire crew nearly asphyxiates from full-body-wracking hilarity)

(cast and crew rushed to ER)

(NOT TODAY, NOT ON MY WATCH, etc)

(film resumes)

INT. FANCY HOUSE - SUSSEX, ENGLAND

GUY'S new target is former business partner JOHANNES HAUKUR JOHANNESSON, whom he cut loose because of all the EXTRA INK they had to use on BUSINESS CARDS and STATIONERY plus any time they needed new COMPANY SOFTBALL JERSEYS they would need to order EXTRA SETS OF LETTERS and it just kept ADDING UP Y'KNOW?!?

GUY PEARCE

(monitoring from HQ)

Plus, he already saw me doing my mad scientist shtick in The Innocents so fuck him. Go get 'em Vin! Avenge me having to order extra-wide nameplates for our office doors... er I mean, your dead wife!

JOHANNES HAUKUR JOHANNESSON MY GOD I FELT MYSELF AGE JUST TYPING THAT

Not so fast! I have a wacky tech assistant of my own, PLUS an EMP device!

LAMORNE MORRIS

It's true, I am quite wacky indeed! Ho ho!

VIN DIESEL

Yeah but triggering the EMP will require using your full name above a line of dialogue, and by the time the author finishes typing it out I'll already have killed you.

JOHANNES HAUK

(dead)

VIN DIESEL

Told ya.

However LAMORNE sets off the EMP anyway which KNOCKS OUT VIN! After a while VIN wakes up again.

LAMORNE MORRIS

Sorry about that, but I had to get you off Guy's network. And now I can tell you the truth! Yes, this is just like earlier when you woke up and some tech guy spouted exposition at you, but the difference is, I'm saying this NOW, so it must be true.

VIN DIESEL

So everything Guy said was a lie. Huh. But I'm still not sure you're trustworthy.

LAMORNE MORRIS

What if I give you this burner phone, and a new tank top, and ANOTHER vintage fast car?

VIN DIESEL

(stares)

LAMORNE MORRIS

...and these Doritos?

VIN DIESEL

THANK you. Okay we can team up against Guy, who is likely sending his deadly robo-team after us this very moment. So first I gotta find my wife and finally deal with who the fuck I am, should be able to squeeze that in before we get violently robo-murdered.

EXT. A CITY SOMEWHERE, LIKE IT MATTERS REALLY

VIN finds the current home of TALULAH RILEY who is NOT DEAD!

TALULAH RILEY

Wow, this sure is a surprise after five years of not seeing you! Pipe down, SON, I can barely hear my ESTRANGED EX-HUSBAND! Go play with your SISTER or maybe go bother your FATHER WHO IS MY CURRENT HUSBAND! And take the FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOG THAT WE ALL CHOSE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY UNIT THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE VIN!

VIN DIESEL

Crap. Who knows what's real anymore. Maybe I actually hate Doritos.

VIN slumps away and is ATTACKED BY ROBO-SAM HEUGHAN and MOTORCYCLE ALEX HERNANDEZ who has put on a GIANT OPAQUE HELMET that displays OVERHEAD MAP IMAGES OF SAM AND VIN but not apparently images of WHERE HE HIMSELF IS GOING.

ALEX HERNANDEZ

I thought all my cameras beamed images directly into my head, why do I need this Daft Punk helmet at all?

They RUN and BIKE and FIGHT and eventually SAM gets hit by a TRUCK, but ALEX stabs VIN with a WIFI HOTSPOT which allows GUY to shut him down. In case you've lost track, this is the THIRD time a conflict has ended with somebody just SWITCHING VIN OFF.

INT. GUY'S HQ

Back at the lab, GUY creates a huge giant elaborate simulation world BRICK-BY-BRICK so he can have a two-minute virtual conversation with VIN in one spot.

GUY PEARCE

I don't really have anything to say to you, Vin, it's just that time where the hero and Big Bad traditionally jaw at each other.

VIN DIESEL

You don't know me. Heck, I don't know me. The audience sure as fuck doesn't know me. I just shuffle about having shit done to me, waiting for the nanobots to kick in and save the day. I have all the agency and compelling character traits of Iron Man's briefcase. In conclusion, fuck you.

GUY PEARCE

I sent Eiza to go capture Lamorne but he got away, so I'm going to reset you to think Lamorne killed Talulah this time. Then the next target will be the result of the employee poll, right now Jared Leto and Gwyneth Paltrow are neck-and-neck.

VIN DIESEL

Wouldn't it be way easier to fill YOURSELF with these God-level nanobots that allow you to hack the world's computers, make you super strong, heal any wound, etc., and then merrily murder whoever you want?

GUY PEARCE

I guess that's just not my AIM, heh heh, I'm sorry.

GUY fires up the SIMULATION CREATING SOFTWARE but downstairs, EIZA sneaks into the INSERT-YOURSELF-INTO-THE-VIRTUAL-MEMORY-SIMULATION-CURRENTY-BEING-CREATED-ROOM because OF COURSE THAT EXISTS WHY WOULDN'T IT.

EIZA GONZALEZ

This time Vin you get to remember the truth. Plus, I'm actually working WITH Lamorne so we can all defeat Guy together! And I defused Guy's remote control with a smoke grenade or some bullshit so I can fight by your side! Anyhoo, while you fight everyone yourself I'm gonna go blow up the server room.

VIN DIESEL

Is there any chance my real memories are stored somewhere in the-

EIZA GONZALEZ

WOO-HOO COMPUTERS GO BOOM NOW YAAY

(explodes servers!)

VIN busts out of the SIMULATION and faces off against ALEX and SAM!

SAM HEUGHAN

Och aye, yee're fooked now Vin! I've added two robo-arms so now I'm... Dr. Dragonfly maybe?

ALEX HERNANDEZ

For the last time Vin, stop staring at my chest! My eyes are... oh right, they're on my chest. But they're also OTHER PLACES VIN!

They all leap into an EXPOSED ELEVATOR SHAFT and FIGHT and FALL DOWN but VIN FALLS DOWN BETTER AND HEAVIER THAN THEM so they DIE and VIN WINS!

EXT. OUTSIDE GUY HQ

VIN picks himself up and confronts GUY.

GUY PEARCE

Your nanobots must be almost worn out. Can you handle this EXPLOSIVE SHELL?

(fires)

VIN DIESEL

They are running low it's true. But DODGING IS BULLSHIT

(grabs shell)

(explodes!)

The NANOBOTS do ONE LAST ELABORATE VFX SHOT of PIECING TOGETHER BLOWN-TO-FUCK VIN DIESEL since that is this movie's ONE AND ONLY SIGNATURE MOVE, after which various computer displays make it quite clear the NANOBOTS are TOTALLY EXHAUSTED, ZERO PERCENT LEFT, they are DONESVILLE. Looks like GUY has the UPPER ROBOT HAND now!

GUY PEARCE

Hm, I hope you don't have some clever trick up your lack of sleeve.

VIN DIESEL

But I do! My clever trick is having another explosive that I blow up in both our faces because fuck this who cares.

They both EXPLODE!!!

EXT. SUNNY COASTLINE

VIN WAKES UP inside LAMORNE'S RV and he is COMPLETELY FINE!

LAMORNE MORRIS

Welcome back! I am still wacky.

VIN DIESEL

Thanks. Soooo... the reason I'm not dead as fuck is...

EIZA GONZALEZ

Eh, let's say we planted a shred of you in a pot. Now to drive off into the sunset of the Valiant Cinematic Universe!

VIN DIESEL

Don't you mean "sunrise"?

EVERYBODY

(wrenches their entire body apart laughing)

(literally rip themselves into pieces)

(collapse in bloody chunks)

NANOBOTS

(shrug)

(eat Doritos)

END