FADE IN:

EXT. UNUSED LOTR SET REALM

KING DESMOND CHIAM plays the famous MK warrior, Jerrod. His young daughter, NOT YET ADELINE RUDOLPH, spectates his mortal showdown with SHAO MARTYN FORD.

KING DESMOND CHIAM

Shao Khan, the mighty warlord of realms, has decided that whoever wins ten Mortal Kombat tournaments legally has the right to conquer the other realm. The last movie was a thinly veiled reference to The Avengers, with chosen warriors receiving superpowers. Even Shang Tsung was Loki if you think about it. Now we are conquering the Lord of the Rings vibe, complete with excessively loud Howard Shore-esque music in every battle. I will defeat the evil Saur...Shao Khan to save our world.

NOT YET ADELINE RUDOLPH

And I get to watch someone get dismembered despite the M-rating on this match.

KING DESMOND CHIAM

No worries, Kitana, it's not traumatizing if your dad dismembers someone.

(gets ready to chop off Shao Khan's head, F, F, B, LK, HP)

SHAO MARTYN FORD

You forgot my signature knife through your hands. F, B, B, HK, B. Now you will die.

ANA THU NGUYEN, Queen Sindel, immediately closes Kitana's eyes.

ANA THU NGUYEN

Don't watch this next part, my daughter.

NOT YET ADELINE RUDOLPH

I can handle the bloodshed.

ANA THU NGUYEN

I mean this part.

(kneels on the floor)

All hail, Shao Khan. He will make the Outer Realm great again!

PROTIP: Surrendering to Shao Khan after killing three of his guards secretly warps you to the next chapter.

EXT. SOME MARTIAL ARTS LOOKING JUNGLE

ADELINE RUDOLPH is sparring with TATI GABRIELLE, Jade.

TATI GABRIELLE

So let me get this straight, Mileena: your twin sister/clone died in the last tournament, and you are okay with me, a green palette swap with a bo-staff, as her replacement?

ADELINE RUDOLPH

It's fine, don't even mention it. Besides, no one wants to see the deep lore behind our rivalry and kinship compared to the plot of me being a "girlboss."

TATI GABRIELLE

Just asking. I got you a gift for the upcoming tournament, metal fans. I also have your move sheet with them, so you don't have to mash all the buttons. Fan Swipe, Fan Lift, Fan Throw, and Square Wave Punch, to name a few. Don't forget you have a kissing move that makes bodies explode.

ADELINE RUDOLPH

While it seems like a bad idea to enter a fight to the death wielding extremely weird weapons I’ve never used before, they are way more useful than my dad's blue ribbon headband and wooden daggers, thanks.

PROTIP: If you want to see the Kiss of Death fatality, send $ 20 to ED BOON for uncut clips.

INT. RAIDEN'S CLOUD DOJO- PART OF THE RAIDEN DLC PACK

LUDI LIN, Liu Kang; MEHCAD BROOKS, Jax; JESSICA MCNAMEE, Sonya; TADANOBU ASANO, Raiden; and LEWIS TAN, Luigi...Jk...Cole, prepare for the latest tournament.

LEWIS TAN

Hold the phone. Us winning the last tournament doesn't reset their victory count? Shouldn't that put the Outer Realm to the bottom of the ranking, leading other realms to get a chance at conquering?

TADANOBU ASANO

Shang Tsung had a save state before he lost. In fact, much of what was established in the first one is going to be bulldozed. For example, we don't need those tattoos anymore. Also, we all have intimate knowledge of Shao Khan despite being a non-issue in the last film.

LUDI LIN

Which leads us to the next point. After Kung Lao died.

(hundreds of audience members check the Mortal Kombat Wiki in the theater)

Ahem...After Kung Lao died, we needed a fifth member of our team.

Everyone looks at TADANOBU, the all-powerful thunder God.

TADANOBU ASANO

Ummmm...I need to coach. How about a washed-up action film actor with incredibly low self-esteem?

TADANOBU performs the Avoid Getting Hands Dirty finisher: F, F, F, B, LK.

MEHCAD BROOKS

Seriously? You are not even going to do your "Your Mother's From LA" Superman drive?

PROTIP: Hold Y to skip this cinematic. You are not missing much.

EXT. SOME ALLEY WHERE PLOT AND FIGHTS HAPPEN

DAMON HERRIMAN, as Quan Chi, drags the dead body of JOSH LAWSON, Kano, to SHAO MARTYN and CHIN HAN, Shang Tsung. Did you get all that? There will be a test.

DAMON HERRIMAN

As the 16th most loved character in Mortal Kombat 4, I can bring back old characters from the dead. It cheapens the whole mortal part of Mortal Kombat, but we need to satisfy the fan service and the fatality service. Luckily, Kano was still on the lawn of that yard in the Earth Realm with a gnome shoved into his eye. Earth must have horrible mortuary services.

CHIN HAN

Legend has it that there is a medallion that can be powered to auto-heal any wound, and Kano has it. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUPER HELPFUL IN THE LAST TOURNAMENT, BTW!!!!!!

JOSH LAWSON is brought back to life. He mentions the anatomy of a woman seven different ways, as all Aussies are required to do when being resurrected.

JOSH LAWSON

Crikies, you can bring back dead soldiers. I can't wait for you to bring back Mileena, Kabal, Nitara, and Reiko.

CHIN HAN

Stop! Those actors didn't have strong talent agents, which is deeper than any resurrection magic. Their fatality made them unemployable.

JOSH LAWSON

But wouldn't it be to our adv...

DAMON HERRIMAN

Fine, I will bring back...

(looks through the player's guide)

Kung Lao. Happy?

JOSH LAWSON

Sweet, I had the magic medallion in my pants. What luck. Some funeral director could have had eternal life if Earth Realm's mortuary services weren't total arse.

PROTIP: The cheat code for extra continues is L, U, R, D, L, Select.

INT. COMICON WITH MORE HYGIENE

KARL URBAN, Johnny Cage, is reliving his days as a cheesy Kung-Fu action star, much like DAVID HASSELHOFF. Still, he is also depressed about his career trajectory, much like DAVID HASSELHOFF.

TADANOBU ASANO

Johnny Cage, the gods have chosen you to fight in the Mortal Kombat tournament. You will get a superpower, like shooting fire from your hands or holding on to an American accent despite being from New Zealand.

KARL URBAN

Why don't you ask The Miz? He was begging for this job.

JESSICA MCNAMEE

Let's be honest, you need to be in this fight; otherwise, the movie is going to be all about Cole Young, who was not even in the game, and his only superpower is to wear a thicker shirt.

KARL URBAN

But the clip from my lousy kung fu movie was clearly meant to be from around 1987 or something, and I wasn’t even de-aged for it. I could honestly be ninety. Wouldn’t there be literally thousands of better choices?

TADANOBU ASANO

Look it doesn’t have to conform to any reason or logic, “the gods decided” is just our way of washing our hands of any arbitrary nonsense. Don’t complain to us, the gods just said so, so there!

KARL URBAN

Aren’t you one of the gods, though?

TADANOBU ASANO

Er, let’s assume the others don’t let me vote.

KARL URBAN

Well forget it, I’m out, I’m doing the entire Refusal of the Call routine! Unless I guess I have no actual say and will be magically transported into the fight against my will, in which case you should probably explain that to me so I-

(teleports)

Motherfuckers!!

PROTIP: Johnny Cage has a healing perk from also sharing a role as Doctor Bones.

EXT. THE FIRST FIGHT- THE PURITAN TOWN SQUARE WITH A DARK BLUE LENS

KARL URBAN is facing off against ADELINE RUDOLPH. She dislocates his legs, breaks his spine, and removes his nipples. Long-term effects: mild dizziness.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Finish him!

ADELINE lets KARL fall to the floor, signifying her victory.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Hold up! Killing your opponent is not required??? All we needed to do was make them really exhausted. I could have saved so much money on dry cleaning.

PROTIP: Not finishing your opponent is the worst way to experience Mortal Kombat.

INT. SPIKE PIT

The second fight pits (no pun intended) JESSICA against ANA.

JESSICA MCNAMEE

Yikes, this room with spikes everywhere seems like a place where you could lose just by sneezing weird! I sure hope I’ll survive this!

ANA THU NGUYEN

Too bad you will - OHO, you nearly tricked me into saying it!

They fight, and in the end JESSICA vaporizes ANA’S ENTIRE TORSO, because she didn’t get the memo about not having to kill anyone.

ANA THU NGUYEN

It’s okay, Shao Kahn already killed me before and resurrected me as his consort, he can just do it again.

JESSICA MCNAMEE

Boy, I imagine Adaline feels devastated that her mother has been repeatedly murdered and converted into her nemesis’s zombie bride.

ANA THU NGUYEN

And you’ll have to continue imagining it, because she never so much as references the subject.

INT. CLOUD DOJO WHERE RAIDEN IS SAFE FROM ENGAGING IN ANY FORM OF COMBAT OR EXERCISE

TEAM EARTH REALM is getting ready for the second round when ADALINE shows up.

ADALINE RUDOLPH

That’s right, I’m actually a double agent for Team Earth! It turns out that Shao Kahn killing my father, enslaving my mother, and turning my planet into a wasteland didn’t engender the kind of loyalty that he hoped for.

Suddenly a wild MAX HUANG appears, Kung Lao! He throws his hat at TADANOBU, slicing his neck open and revealing a 1990's laserlight show at the local planetarium, which he then absorbs into the MAGIC AMULET.

TADANOBU ASANO

Guys! Help me! I am not supposed to fight thirty minutes after eating.

LEWIS TAN AND MEHCAD BROOKS

Can't hear you, going to the tournament.

INT. THE TWO TOWERS, MINUS ONE

SHAO MARTYN accepts the medallion into his heart, and now he is invincible.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

I have become an insanely difficult end boss, like in Mortal Kombat tradition. The player will have to spam the jump kick to beat me.

(notices Chin Han looking at the medallion with intense jealousy and evil)

Ugh...Shang? You have a double-crossing look on your face.

CHIN HAN

(404 error. Plot not found)

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Well then, let's start the second round of the tournament.

PROTIP: To unlock Shang Tsung's purpose in this movie, send angry fan mail to Netherealm Studios.

EXT. BACK LOT OF DIAGON ALLEY

MEHCAD BROOKS is engaged in mortal combat with TATI GABRIELLE.

MEHCAD BROOKS

Your friend, Kitana, is our friend, so I am not going to finish you off!

TATI GABRIELLE

Okay, in that case, I am a bit tuckered out, so you win.

MEHCAD BROOKS

Wait? Really? I just knocked you down on the floor.

TATI GABRIELLE

Yup, and that made me too tired to fight. Byeeeeeeee!

MEHCAD BROOKS

Things were so much easier when we dismembered people.

INT. ACID PIT - THE MT. DEW SEWER

LEWIS TAN squares off against SHAO MARTYN FORD.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Now to demonstrate why I am the mega overpowered super bos...

LEWIS immediately delivers a mortal blow that would kill SHAO MARTYN. F, F, B+HP, F, F.

LEWIS TAN

Wow, are you a descendant of Glass Joe? That was ridiculously easy. No wonder they gave you the cheat codes.

But SHAO MARTYN regenerates his health, his slashed throat sealing back up perfectly.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Bwa ha ha, you see, through the medallion I now have Tadanobu’s god powers, with which a slashed throat can be shrugged off effortlessly!

LEWIS TAN

Um, wasn’t a slashed throat the exact thing that made Tadanobu’s god powers spill all over the floor in the first place?

SHAO KHAN

Oh shut up. I’m gonna do to you what Mortal Kombat fans have been wanting ever since you shoehorned your way into this franchise like a fanfic OC.

He smashes LEWIS's head in like Dark Gallagher with a watermelon.

LEWIS TAN

(sans head)

You could at least have done something cool with the acid pit.

PROTIP: Hold B to release LEWIS TAN from his MORTAL KOMBAT CONTRACT.

EXT. THE AFTER EFFECTS GREEN SCREEN REALM

LUDI LIN and MAX HUANG fight to the death. Lots of F, F, HP, and a few B, B, LK are thrown into the battle.

LUDI LIN

You were a brother to me. How can you work for Shao Kahn?

MAX HUANG

Very little is established about my character, so let's just say the Outer Realm has a better health plan, 401K, and free membership at the Y.

LUDI LIN

Don't worry, I will bring you back from the dead.

LUDI throws MAX into the spinning hat blade, and his guts spray out in a one-mile radius.

LUDI LIN

Ok, you might be missing a few vital organs when you come back.

EXT. THE MAD MAX REALM

KARL URBAN, LUDI LIN, MEHCAD BROOKS, and JESSICA MCNAMEE visit the home of CJ BLOOMFIELD.

LUDI LIN

(does double-take)

Oh yeah, Karl Urban! I forgot you were in this.

KARL URBAN

Yeah, I’ve got this weird thing where for about a quarter of the runtime I’m this movie’s unquestioned main character, and for the rest of the time I honestly have no relevance whatsoever and might as well not exist.

(points to CJ)

Anyway, check it out, Sloth from the Goonies is in this universe! Must be a crossover.

CJ BLOOMFIELD

I am Baraka, you idiot, the whimsical and cute mass murderer with Wolverine claws and 1960s British dental hygiene.

KARL URBAN

Ice Road: Vengeance was a horrible movie.

CJ BLOOMFIELD

You just earned yourself a fight, Johnny!

KARL URBAN learns his superpower move, a Full Split Vasectomy Punch. LP + BLK.

CJ BLOOMFIELD

I can never have children again! I love that! Let's be best friends!

PROTIP: Hitting strangers in the crotch grants you instant friendship.

INT. A LARGE OPEN HALL HOLDING A SINGLE MEDALLION

CJ BLOOMFIELD lends his talent to THE EARTH REALM GANG by killing six part-time guards. They invade the hall holding the medallion.

KARL URBAN

Sheesh, considering this is the one thing Shao Kahn’s whole victory depends on, you’d think he’d have sealed it in an iron safe, and sealed that safe in a bigger safe, and put it in a hidden subterranean chamber surrounded by a moat full of alligators and surrounded THAT with fifty guards armed with gatling guns. But nope, he just put it on a pedestal behind a locked door and hoped for the best.

But then SHAO MARTYN arrives and starts an impromptu battle.

LIN LUDI

I wonder how the Kombat Gods feel about all the extracurricular battles and cheating outside the tournament.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

That is totally fine with them.

LIN LUDI

Why in the world are we wasting our time with a burned-out movie star? We should nuke the eff out of this place. America Realm is very good at winning fights that way.

LIN LUDI kills SHAO MARTYN, but he heals.

JESSICA MCNAMEE kills SHAO MARTYN, but he heals.

A TODDLER LEARNING TO WALK kills SHAO MARTYN, but he heals.

MAGIKARP kills SHAO MARTYN, but he heals.

HURTFUL WORDS kill SHAO MARTYN, but he heals.

MEHCAD BROOKS

Who trained you? Mr. Bean?

SHAO MARTYN stabs MEHCAD BROOKS with the pointy end of his hammer.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Ha! Tenth time is the charm.

LIN LUDI gets overwhelmed by the enemy and turns into a flaming bird.

KARL URBAN

We are running out of popular characters. At this rate, we are going to need to rely on Ermac, Fujin, or Tanya to carry the series.

CHIN HAN gets clearance to renew JOE TASLIM'S CONTRACT, and they resurrect him as Noob Saibot.

CHIN HAN

But we are definitely not using that name. That is way too silly.

JOSH LAWSON

That's where we draw the line???

TATI GABRIELLE

Kitana keeps using up the wifi to betray the Outer Realm. I think we should chain her to the town square and make her watch the last match. Watching Shao attempt competent fighting is punishment enough.

JOSH LAWSON

Speaking of betrayal, I am Team Earth Realm now! Because Shao Kahn’s plan is to make Earth into more of his wasteland dominion, and I like Earth when it’s not a wasteland. I like Earth, it has lots of cool stuff, destroying it seems dumb.

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

THANK YOU!! One person who ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION DURING THE DAMN SYMPOSIUM!!!

(pops champagne)

JOSH LAWSON

Er, anyway, yeah. I can be a good guy and still drop tons of F bombs.

(shoots lasers everywhere)

JOSH talks openly about what a woman can do with a man, as all Aussies are required to do when switching sides.

PROTIP: Jade also becomes Team Earth Realm, but her character arc matters little, so the script doesn't need to show it.

INT. NETHER REALM - HELL FOR NINJAS

KARL URBAN and JOSH LAWSON visit HIROYUKI SANADA, Scorpion. He also lives in Hell, but his imagination lets him have a few fruit trees.

KARL URBAN

Sub-Zero turned into Noob Saibot, and the worst part is his costume involves blackface.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Blackface?? In 2026?? That tears it. I need to beat him senseless again.

KARL URBAN steals the medallion, but he has no idea how to destroy it.

JOSH LAWSON

Too bad we don't have a laser eye to shoot it or a lake of raging lava to throw it in.

KARL URBAN discovers his true special power: acknowledging his first and last name while kicking a guy. B, F, LK.

JOE TASLIM

(falling into the lava)

My precious!

HIROYUKI SANADA

All right, that’s it for me. Call me when you need me to do the exact same showdown a third time in the next movie.

(leaves)

PROTIP: Saying your name out loud boosts your attacks times six.

INT. CLOUD DOJO - WHERE RAIDEN AVOIDS RESPONSIBILITY

CHIN HAN is about to psycho stab TADANOBU ASANO, who's laranyx getting sliced resulted in a little nap.

CHIN HAN

I refuse to be the most useless character in this movie.

TADANOBU wakes up because the power of the medallion was somehow Bluetooth connected to him. He scares away CHIN HAN with bouts of lightning and intimidation.

CHIN HAN

(running away)

WHY WAS I EVER CONSIDERED A THREAT!!!?

PROTIP: Loud noises and bright lights instantly KO Shang Tsung.

EXT. THE FINAL BATTLE AT HELM'S DEEP

SHAO MARTYN gives several concussions to JESSICA MCNAMEE resulting in her needing a five-minute breather. ADELINE RUDOLPH gets free from her leg restraints.

ADELINE RUDOLPH

By the power invested in me and the very loose rules governed by no one who wants to exercise their power, I am now a member of Team Earth.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Big surprise there. Our Thanos and Gamora relationship meets its final arc.

ADELINE RUDOLPH, in a shock no one saw coming, slashes all seven of SHAO MARTYN'S esophagi. She lacerates eight of his nine lungs, and punctures three of his hearts. Long-term effects: minor exhaustion.

SHAO MARTYN FORD

Ugh...I have a headache.

ADELINE RUDOLPH

Let me relieve you.

(cuts his head into four equal slices)

PROTIP: You literally need no help to beat Shao Khan.

INT. THE CAMPFIRE

KARL URBAN, CJ BLOOMFIELD, JOSH LAWSON, JESSICA MCNAMEE, DAMON HERRIMAN, and TADANOBU ASANO are sitting around a campfire.

KARL URBAN

And that's how I won the entire tournament.

CJ BLOOMFIELD

I need a cold shower from that amazing story.

TADANOBU ASANO

Now that we defeated the Outer Realm, which could probably send an army of Capoeira warriors to kill us at any time, we can rest easy.

DAMON HERRIMAN

I can help resurrect all your friends for the implied sequel.

KARL URBAN

Cool! Maybe don’t bother with Lewis though.

JOSH LAWSON opens up about what he can do with a keg, three goats, and a stick of butter, as all Aussies are required to do after winning a tournament.

PROTIP: Since the WB hates money, there is no after-credits stinger, but we can assume that LADY GAGA is Sheeva, OWEN WILSON is Billy Stryker, and LOGAN PAUL is some guy named Todd who shoots tar from his kneecaps.

END