FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE IN...AW SHIT, FUCKIN’ AMITYVILLE

DEMONOLOGISTS VERA FARMIGA and PATRICK WILSON are investigating THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.

VERA FARMIGA

Sigh. Haven’t we learned after all this time that it’s not possible to make a decent horror movie out of this “true” story about a family who run away from a house because it’s all creepy and stuff?

PATRICK WILSON

Let’s just do this real quick and be done with it, so we can move on to an equally bullshitty story which thankfully hasn’t been as widely discredited.

They hold a SEANCE, and VERA has a VISION where she goes around recreating RONALD DeFEO’S MURDER SPREE with a MIMED RIFLE.

VERA FARMIGA

Well now, thanks to my startling ability to act this scene out without looking fucking ridiculous, this is actually pretty unsettling! Good to see James Wan not falling into his usual routine of throwing random spooky events at the audience.

DIRECTOR JAMES WAN

Shit, I knew I was forgetting something! Uhhh, look, a spooky ghost child!

GHOST CHILD

Over there, a spooky mirror!

OCULUS-ESQUE MIRROR

Check it out, a spooky nun!

DEMON NUN

Observe, a spooky silhouette!

SILHOUETTE

Behold, a spooky GIANT BRANCH IMPALING ME ARGH FUCK

VERA FARMIGA

Whoa, cut it out! Is this movie having a stroke right now? Fuck this.

(leaves)

INT. BRITISH HOUSE, 1977

MADISON WOLFE and LAUREN ESPOSITO are SISTERS in ENGLAND in the SEVENTIES, a setting we establish with references to THE CLASH and, uh... fuck it, THE CLASH AGAIN.

MADISON WOLFE

Oh, that’s how little effort we’re putting in? That explains what we’re using to kick off the hauntings in our house.

LAUREN ESPOSITO

(sighs)

Don’t tell me. Ouija board?

MADISON WOLFE

HOMEMADE Ouija board. Look at this fucking thing, it’s literally letters cut out of a magazine and glued haphazardly to a bit of cardboard. But apparently it still has the power to pierce the veil and summon unholy demons from the depths of Hell.

LAUREN ESPOSITO

Sounds like a fragile fucking veil. We’re lucky we don’t get bumrushed by evil spirits every time we play Scrabble or eat alphabet soup.

They mess around with the CRAPPY OUIJA THING and are now ALL KINDS OF HAUNTED.

MADISON WOLFE

Durn kids, get outta my house!

Hey, no fair possessing me!

You back-talking little brat, I’ll possess who I like!

Cause I’m a stupid ghost who likes to lick my own balls!

I DIDN’T SAY THAT! Don’t make me take you over my knee, missy!

Oh and how exactly do you propose to do that? Are we a contortionist all of a sudden, Einstein?

Shut up!

YOU shut up!

LAUREN ESPOSITO

Ah yes, all the spine-chilling terror of that muttering old lady at the bus stop who smells like cat piss. Maybe let’s find out what Vera and Patrick are up to, hm?

INT. TALK SHOW

VERA and PATRICK are arguing with a SKEPTIC on TELEVISION.

SKEPTIC

Nyerrr, I think Amityville was a hoax, I don’t believe in demons cause I read too many books and have a big stick up my butt, duhhh.

PATRICK WILSON

You see the kind of small-minded fools we have to contend with? They’re all “not a single shred of persuasive evidence” this, and “their story was blatantly contradicted on several key points by the facts” that. When will people LEARN!

VERA FARMIGA

Yeah, all they have is the entire history of science on their side. Whereas when I went into that house I had a hallucination, and that ought to be enough proof for anybody!

SKEPTIC

What if later it turns out that that hallucination was actually a premonition of something that was going to happen years later in a whole other country? Wouldn’t that mean it didn’t prove anything whatsoever about Amityville?

VERA FARMIGA

Uhh, hey what’s that wacky ghost up to now?

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE

The GHOST makes a TOY FIRETRUCK drive around!

MADISON WOLFE

Seriously? Geez, never mind, back to America.

INT. VERA AND PATRICK’S HOUSE

PATRICK is painting a picture of that SPOOKY NUN.

VERA FARMIGA

Wait, you had a vision of the nun too? Didn’t I only have that premonition because I, unlike you, am explicitly clairvoyant?

PATRICK WILSON

Honey, it’s cute that you’re looking for logical consistency here, but let’s face it, with the flimsy clothesline of a story this movie has we’re lucky to even have character names.

(finishes painting)

There! Now I think I’ll hang this intensely disturbing Bacon-esque monstrosity on the wall, because why should our nightmare museum of cursed artefacts be our only room of utter terror?

VERA AND PATRICK’S DAUGHTER

Seriously guys, I’m moving out of this house like the NANOSECOND I turn eighteen.

Later, VERA sees the NUN materialize behind the PAINTING! It RUNS AT VERA while holding the PAINTING IN FRONT OF HER and HHHAAA HA HA HA HA!! HA HA HA ha hm ahem, sorry. So the PAINTING opens its MOUTH and goes RAAHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

VERA FARMIGA

ANYWAY, the nun then pointed to that same silhouette getting stabbed, and it turns out that silhouette was Patrick, and wouldn’t you know it,

(wakes up)

this whole scene was a dream! Oh hey, looks like I did a bunch of automatic writing while I was having that important vision. Welp, whatever I wrote in that book, can’t imagine it has any relevance to anything.

(tosses book aside)

So, has that English ghost started doing anything interesting yet?

INT. SPOOK CENTRAL

The GHOST is HOGGING THE TV REMOTE!

MADISON WOLFE

That’s a big fat no. Muuummm, the ghost is being boring!

FRANCES O’CONNOR

Ghost? Don’t talk rubbish! Clearly we’ll be taking this opportunity to have me disbelieve you, and tap into the universal childhood terror of your parents not protecting you from-

Right in front of FRANCES, the GHOST hurls a SOFA across the room.

FRANCES O’CONNOR

Or not. Well we could at least call the police, and evoke the helpless terror of having the authorities dismiss the threat against us as-

Right in front of the POLICE, the GHOST does some RIVERDANCING inside the WALLS and makes a CHAIR sail around the floor like a RACECAR.

FRANCES O’CONNOR

Nope, seems like we really don’t know any other flavor of horror than “weird noise”, “thing moves by itself” and “growly possessed girl”.

GHOST

(rotating crucifixes)

Look, could you just go hire the ghostbusters already? I’m running out of gimmicks here.

(becomes Jack Skellington in oversized Paddington Bear hat)

INT. VERA AND PATRICK’S HOUSE

VERA and PATRICK are being given the skinny on ENFIELD by some CHURCH GUY.

CHURCH GUY

So last movie you had to fend off the century-old spirit of a Satanic, baby-murdering witch. But nothing can prepare you for your NEW ghostly threat... A GRUMPY PENSIONER CALLED BILL!

VERA FARMIGA

We will reluctantly come and help, although with my premonition of Patrick’s death, this comes with a great deal of peril!

PATRICK WILSON

Well, since all they want is a quick yes or no on whether the haunting is even real, maybe they only need to send the clairvoyant in the first place, and I can just stay safely at-

VERA FARMIGA

(dragging Patrick onto plane)

O THE PERILLLL!!!

INT. SHRIEKING SHACK

PATRICK and VERA go to interview MADISON.

PATRICK WILSON

Let Bill the Ghost talk to us, Madison. But first fill your mouth with water to prove that this whole thing isn’t just you putting on a silly voice.

MADISON WOLFE

Uh, sure, I’ll provide visual proof for you. Just so long as you all turn your backs and not look at me at all while you do so.

PATRICK WILSON

That defeats the entire purpose, but okay.

While everybody is LOOKING AWAY, MADISON slowly changes into something OUT-OF-FOCUS that kinda looks like STATLER from THE MUPPETS.

STATLER GHOST

This is my house! This residence belongs to me! I am the rightful owner of this domicile! And other iterations on that basic sentiment, pretty much any time I talk.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh yeah? Let’s see how you handle the power of MY TEENY TINY MINIATURE CRUCIFIX!

MADISON WOLFE

(de-Statlerized)

Wow, that crucifix sure got that ghost out of me quick smart! Hey, maybe you should get me one of those? Seems like that’d fix my little “possessed” problem for good.

PATRICK WILSON

No! MY infinite power of Christ! Get your own schtick!

Some more RANDOM SPOOKY STUFF happens for a while. Like something sneaks up behind PATRICK but when he turns around it’s not there. Shit like that.

VERA FARMIGA

Patrick, I’m starting to have doubts. We’re not seeing any persuasive evidence of anything, plus there’s how Madison suspiciously made us not look when she was channeling the ghost, then there’s these photos of her “levitating” where it’s hilariously obvious she’s just jumping off her bed.

(scratches head)

I mean, I suppose it could be a real haunting full of irrefutably paranormal events, which just happened to turn mundane and unconvincing the split second people started making professional observations and recordings. But that sounds like a pretty stupid, implausible scenario.

PATRICK WILSON

Nah, since that’s the only version of events where this movie makes any sense, that must be it. Clearly we’re just real unlucky and always are looking away when the ghosts happen! Watch!

(turns)

GEE THIS WALLPAPER SURE IS INTERESTING! GUESS I’LL JUST STARE AT IT FOR A WHILE.

The GHOST levitates MADISON to the CEILING, TELEPORTS HER through a WALL and hurls FURNITURE at her.

PATRICK WILSON

(turns back around)

HELLO?? IS SOMETHING HAPPENING??

MADISON sits in a chair and does a spooky voice.

PATRICK WILSON

See? Clearly that’s the only way the haunting could be real whilst fitting with the documented facts.

(pause)

Holy shit, this is turning into the most effective ghost story de-bunking ever.

Suddenly MADISON charges after her BROTHER into the KITCHEN, brandishing a KNIFE!

VERA FARMIGA

OH FUCK, SHE’S CHASING HER BROTHER WITH A KNIFE! WE BETTER CATCH HER BEFORE SHE-

(runs into kitchen)

...climbs into a cupboard, knots her limbs into a pretzel shape and closes the door after herself? Huh? Mr. Ghost, why were you even running around with knives if you weren’t going to stab anybody?

GHOST

Hey, if I wanted to hurt these guys I could have just telekinetically chucked them out the window or brained them with a frying pan at any time. Seriously, why is anyone even scared of me when it’s pretty clear that all I’m interested in doing is making weird noises and throwing the furniture around?

PATRICK WILSON

Fair point. Say what you will about those Paranormal Activity demons, at least they eventually got shit done. Anyway, CRUCIFIX TIME!

MADISON WOLFE

(un-ghosted again)

Phew, that's better! Are you SURE you can’t give me a lend of that thing? I mean the ghost just laughed at our dozens of crucifixes, but yours makes him shit his spectral pants every time. So maybe it might be more useful around my neck, you know, now that he’s making me go for the knives...

PATRICK WILSON

Uhhmmm - OH LOOK, it turns out we got footage of you faking poltergeist activity, so it was all a hoax in the end oh well BYE NOW.

VERA FARMIGA

Yes, these images of you manically tearing a room to pieces sure do prove you were never really possessed. Fuck you, little girl!

VERA and PATRICK leave.

INT. TRAIN

On the train out of town, PATRICK starts to get DOUBTS about their DOUBTS.

PATRICK WILSON

Say, isn’t it suspicious that Madison happened to fake that episode in the ONE ROOM we had under surveillance? HMMMM.

VERA FARMIGA

What are you talking about? If Madison wanders all over the house faking an endless succession of paranormal activity, then it's not the least bit odd that eventually she'd wind up in front of our camera. I mean, doi.

PATRICK WILSON

Wait a minute! I just dropped two spools of tape, and by the power of implausible non-intuitive leaps of reasoning, that caused me to realize something! Remember how the first time I crucifixed the ghost, he said “Help... it... let... go”, then the second time he said “Me... won’t... me”? Well play them together and you get “Help me, it won’t let me go!”

VERA FARMIGA

Well what the FUCK was he doing only saying every other word of a sentence in the first place? What... load... contrived...!

PATRICK WILSON

A... of... horseshit!

VERA FARMIGA

But now it makes sense. The old man ghost was actually being controlled by that spooky demon nun! The old double-layered possession trick, which caused me to not sense any supernatural activity in the house at all by some ridiculous backwards logic!

PATRICK WILSON

And surely the mere fact that we’ve figured this out will make you instantly able to sense the ghost even though we’re literally miles away from the house now!

Indeed, VERA suddenly gets a vision of the GHOST!

GHOST

Hey, don’t know why the world’s greatest demonologists would need to get demon-killing tips from a dead pensioner, but just so you know, you can defeat the nun by using her name.

VERA FARMIGA

Good to know! Thanks for just giving me this crucial information, rather than hiding it in a riddle or something.

GHOST

My pleasure! I mean, why the hell would I even do that? I want you to get this information, couching it in a riddle would be totally counterproductive! Seriously, the ghost character in this movie would have to be a TOTAL FUCKWIT to do something like that.

INT. MONSTER HOUSE

The SPOOKY NUN is controlling MADISON to JUMP OUT THE WINDOW onto a BIG IMPALE-Y TREE STUMP.

DEMON NUN

That’s right, after a whole movie of just pushing around chairs and toy cars and stuff, I’ve now randomly decided to kill Madison, why the hell not? Now, Madison, JUMP TO YOUR DEATH!! ...As gradually as you can so that Patrick can get in here and save you.

MADISON gets up on the WINDOW SILL and steps towards the EDGE and peers OUT and CONTEMPLATES and starts to move her LEGS and then continues to prepare to execute the JUMP and then makes her final CALCULATIONS regarding TRAJECTORY and WIND RESISTANCE and finally PATRICK shows up so she JUMPS. PATRICK GRABS HER!

PATRICK WILSON

But whuh oh, I’m losing my grip and am about to send us both tumbling to my prophesied impalement! I should swing Madison out of the way of the tree, let her drop onto the soft muddy lawn, then climb back up to safety dangle uselessly and hope the situation resolves itself!

VERA FARMIGA

(arriving)

Hey, I found the demon’s name! Turns out that’s what that automatic writing was earlier, and thankfully I happened to bring that ruined, scribbled-over book all the way to England for no reason at all!

(reads)

Anyway, Valak Tiffany Demonsburg, go to your room!

DEMON NUN

But MOOOOMMMM

(sucked into Hell)

VERA saves PATRICK and MADISON and everything is FINE!

PATRICK WILSON

We did it! Let’s go home. But first, Madison, here’s a gift for you: I want you to have my crucifix.

MADISON WOLFE

...

PATRICK WILSON

Yep, I figure right now is the ideal time to give this item to you.

MADISON WOLFE

JUST FUCK YOU SO MUCH.

VERA FARMIGA

And even better, if we keep running through the Warrens’ backlog of “true” ghost stories at a rate of two Wikipedia sub-entries per movie, we’ll only have to sit through two-and-a-half more of these things before they run out of material and finally stop making them!

PATRICK WILSON

Unless they do more of those “Annabelle”-type spinoffs.

VERA FARMIGA

Pfft, what are they gonna do, “Spooky Nun: The Movie”?

YES. SERIOUSLY.

VERA FARMIGA

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE, Hollywood.

END.