PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION
The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. VARIOUS SUBURBAN HOMES
PREVIOUSLY...on "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY"!
HOUSEHOLD ITEMS
Whoo! We're moving by ourselves! Spooky!
DEMON
Petty annoyances! Every human's worst nightmare!
SUBURBANITES
We're white! And dumb as fuck!
(nearly all killed offscreen)
JORGE DIAZ
I can travel through time! How? Why???
(killed offscreen)
BEDROOM DOOR
(glares angrily)
AND NOW...THE EXCITING CONCLUSION!
INT. HALLIE FOOTE'S HOUSE - 1988
YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON and YOUNG SPRAGUE GRAYDEN have fallen under the control of their evil grandmother HALLIE FOOTE.
YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON
At last! After the exciting conclusion to the fifth Paranormal Activity movie, we pick up right where we left off...in the third Paranormal Activity movie. Oh boy, we're off to a bad start.
HALLIE FOOTE
Shut up! You're completely under my demonic thrall now, completely negating the events of Paranormal Activity 1 & 2!
DON MCMANUS
And I'm the new cult leader! We needed more villains and story threads!
INT. OH LOOK. ANOTHER WELL-TO-DO HOUSE IN WHITE SUBURBIA. EVERYONE TAKE A SHOT. 2013
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Well time to properly start this HOLY FUCK WE'RE ON SIX PARANORMAL ACTIVITY MOVIES! HOLY SHIT!
BRIT SHAW
Actually it's seven Paranormal Activity movies, if you count "Tokyo Night". Hi, I'm Chris's wife.
DAN GILL
I'm Chris's brother. I'm here to piece myself together after a devastating break-up, and that never comes up again.
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
And I'm...I'm...I think I'm a friend of the family. I don't do anything to forward plot or character development.
IVY GEORGE
And I'm Chris and Brit's adorable six-year-old daughter! There's no way the demon isn't coming after me hardest.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Well, there's no use fighting it. Let's get the mundane scenes of us as a family over with.
DAN GILL
And the footage of someone being a dick.
BRIT SHAW
And the opening jump scares that turn out to be nothing.
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
Fake-out scares in white suburbia? But there's already a Goosebumps adaptation in theatres!
DAN GILL
At least these mandatory scenes will be livened up by my relationship problems. And then deadened when I'm moved to the background.
CHRIS stumbles across a 1980s-STYLE VIDEO CAMERA.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Well, we've filmed these movies with everything else. We're one film away from GoPros and satellite images.
DAN SHAW
Found footage huh? Some things never change. Ever.
Suddenly, one of the PRODUCERS finds a quarter underneath the SOFA and the movie's budget DOUBLES IN SIZE.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Good news! We can now afford the special effects to actually show the monster! We can see him through this camera!
DAN SHAW
Neat!
(beat)
But wait, wasn’t leaving the demon to our imaginations the only thing that made this franchise scary in the first place?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Ah, don't worry. We've built up to this for six years. I'm sure-
The DEMON resembles stray cigarette smoke.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Uh...lung cancer. It's the most frightening monster of them all.
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
As a quick aside, did you guys know that I believe there are different planes of existence? Filled with unearthly energy?
DAN SHAW
You mean like a...ghost dimension?
(winks)
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
No. Now would the perfect time to namedrop it, but no. That subtitle never becomes relevant.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
This camera also allows us to film in 3D. Of course, the really impressive effects only come at the end, but for now...
We see an ordinary suburban living room...in 3D!!!
INT. CHRIS J. MURRAY'S HOUSE - A DAY LATER, MAYBE MORE? THE TIMEFRAME'S MUCH MORE VAGUE THAN THE EARLIER MOVIES
CHRIS and DAN find the tapes that make up "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3"
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Oh wow, old VHS tapes! Let's watch them for the rest of the movie!
DAN GILL
We're putting a found footage movie in our found footage movie. We have reached the found footage singularity.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Come on dude. Sit down and watch with me. It'll be creepy.
DAN GILL
Really? Will the same jump scares still be-
CHRIS J. MURRAY
No, I was referring to the fact that we'll be watching through a stranger's videos of their children playing AND their amateur porn.
DAN GILL
Oh. Joy.
They watch until they come across FOOTAGE of the YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON and YOUNG SPRAGUE GRAYDEN with DON MCMANUS.
DON MCMANUS
Don't be frightened children. I'm here to teach you about your supernatural abilities, which you suddenly have.
HALLIE FOOTE
I'd teach you, as I'm the much more fleshed-out character, but I brought in Don so I could stand quietly in the back of all his scenes.
DON MCMANUS
What do you see, young Katie?
YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON
I can see the future! I see a big jump scare coming.
DON MCMANUS
Yeah, that's not really a great feat of-
JUMP SCARE
Boo!
INT. CHRIS J. MURRAY'S HOUSE - MAYBE THAT SAME NIGHT?
CHRIS wanders around in the dark.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Hello? Is anyone there? Is anyone there in the deep shadows and unending silence?
REMARKABLY, CHRIS makes it through without even getting JUMP SCARED, a first in the HISTORY OF ALL HORROR CINEMA. But in the BATHROOM he finds-
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Ivy! What are you doing?
IVY GEORGE
Playing Bloody Mary.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
But how would you know about Bloody Mary, the most popular sleepover game in the world? Something spooky is going on!
IVY GEORGE
I've also cut my hand and the mirror's smashed...
CHRIS J. MURRAY
BLOODY MARY IS WORSE!!!
INT. NIGHT (AND DAY) 1
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Okay, we've gone through the Mandatory Scenes where I decide to put cameras everywhere and convince my loved one that's a sane thing to do. Time to see some ghosts demons!
The DEMON appears next to IVY'S bed. Also, he is a SEVEN FOOT FOUNTAIN OF INK now.
DEMON
Normally we open the first nights with something ambiguous in order to slowly ratchet up the tension and unease. This time, fuck it.
IVY GEORGE
Is there any reason I should find you scary?
DEMON
Of course there is! Watch!
(leaps at the camera)
Did you see that? I leapt straight at the audience! It's scary because no one's used 3D to make things leap out at an audience before.
IVY GEORGE
Yes I saw it.
DEMON
Neat huh? I'm going to do it three hundred more times!
IVY GEORGE
Please don't.
INT. NIGHT (AND DAY) 2
CHRIS and DAN watch the previous nights tapes.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Well, there you have it. Almost completely unambiguous evidence of paranormal activity. I guess we'd better show Brit.
DAN GILL
What? Why would you show this evidence to the person you're trying to prove it to?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Aside from the fact that the demon physically assaults her in the video? Okay.
JUMP SCARE No. 1458293 happens.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Hey, Ivy was vaguely in the area when the jump scare happened, so the demon must be connected to her!
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
The demon jumped right at me! Why would you think it was connected to-
CHRIS J. MURRAY
The demon is connected to Ivy! Everything fits!
(beat)
It's kind of disturbing I had multiple cameras in Ivy's bedroom before I'd sussed out that connection.
NIGHT falls. DAN stays up to observe.
DAN GILL
Grainy 80s style surveillance...long dark corridors...old fashioned timecode counting down the early hours of morning...I'm having "Five Nights at Freddie's" flashbacks! Aaaah!
DEMON
Oh relax. Nothing scary happens in this movie without a painfully obvious build-up, or just after the tension defuses from a painfully obvious build-up. If Foxy is here you'll be able to see him coming from over a mile away.
DAN GILL
Thanks man. That's a load off my mind.
DEMON
In fact would you say I've defused a painfully obvious build-up?
DAN GILL
OH SH-
JUMP SCARE
Boo!
INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 3
CHRIS and DAN review last night's footage.
DAN GILL
Again? It feels like half of this movie is confirming that yes, we did in fact see a jump scare.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
A clear shot of the demon's face! This calls for a large dose of Continue To Keep My Wife In The Dark!
They also discover...
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Ivy! You've drawn occult symbols all over your bedroom wall!
IVY GEORGE
(head spins around)
(vomits pea soup)
CHRIS J. MURRAY
These symbols are clearly dangerous!
(briefly glances at computer screen)
My God! They belong to an evil cult known as The Midwives, who worship and serve demons! Their modus operandi is...
(continuity porn)
(continuity porn)
(continuity porn)
DAN GILL
I must say, you're putting this together awfully fast for a Paranormal Activity protagonist.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Yeah, well thank trying to resolve six movies worth of unanswered questions in one movie.
BRIT SHAW
Actually, it's seven-
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Nobody cares, Brit!
DAN GILL
So have you erased the occult symbols off her wall yet?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Nope! They'll be there for the rest of the movie!
DAN GILL
What? Why the fuck would you-
CHRIS J. MURRAY
It's nothing to worry about!
IVY GEORGE
(smashes flatscreen TV)
(sets fire to bed)
(commissions a further seven found footage franchises)
THAT NIGHT...
IVY GEORGE
Demon?
DEMON
Yeah?
IVY GEORGE
Chris's magic 80s camera can both see AND hear you, right?
DEMON
That's pretty well established at this point.
IVY GEORGE
So how come we only hear my side of our conversations?
DEMON
(punching Christmas ornament)
I knocked over an angel! SYMBOLISM!
IVY GEORGE
Oh yeah, this takes place in the Christmas season. Although these days that could be anytime from late June to December.
INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 4
BRIT and CHRIS bring a priest FATHER MARK FREDRICHS MAX VON SYDOW MICHAEL KRAWIC to look at IVY.
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Ivy, would you mind if I came into your room for a minute?
IVY GEORGE
(nods)
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Ivy, would you mind if I talked to you for a bit?
IVY GEORGE
(nods)
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Ivy, would you mind if I played with your teddy bear?
IVY GEORGE
(nods)
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Ivy, would you mind if I dabbed you with holy water?
IVY GEORGE
(nods)
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Ivy, would you-
BRIT SHAW
Oh for FUCK'S sake, get to the jump scare already! We all know it's coming, what's the hold up?
JUMP SCARE
(rushing in)
Sorry I'm late guys! The traffic was bad and I-
(notices audience)
Oh. Uh...Boo?
MICHAEL KRAWIC
This demon feeds on your fear. You should probably stop giving it attention until I come back with a battle plan.
(beat)
Wait, there was an expert who gave advice like that in the first movie. You're not all going to ignore me like him are you?
INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 5
The FAMILY does a bunch of research on the DEMON and continue filming everything.
MICHAEL KRAWIC
GODDAMMIT.
CHRIS and DAN watch more videos of the cast of PARANROMAL ACTIVITY 3.
DAN GILL
Is it wise to spend so much time reminding the audience that we did the whole creepy child thing much better in "PA3"?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Ah, but then we're going to make a bunch of references to "Paranormal Activity 4", to remind them that we've also done it much worse.
DAN GILL
Nice, any references to "Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones"?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Fuck you.
BRIT SHAW
(coming in)
So have we found out anything about the final fate of Katie Featherston or the Midwives? You know, the actual main characters of this series?
CHRIS J. MURRAY
No, but we've spent some time establishing why the relator gave us such a good deal on this house.
BRIT SHAW
...
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Turns out it was witches.
BRIT SHAW
This franchise can not be over fast enough.
THAT NIGHT, IVY walks through a mysterious PORTAL that appears in her bedroom.
DEMON
Knowing from later in the movie where this leads, I should really close this portal now and win instantly. But hey, we've got to fill ninety minutes.
(waits patiently for Ivy to escape hours later)
INT. NIGHT #6
After some more JUMP SCARES no one cares about, CHRIS and BRIT call back MICHAEL KRAWIC.
MICHAEL KRAWIC
It's no use exorcizing the demon. We have to kill it.
BRIT SHAW
But how? This demon has effortlessly curb-stomped everyone who’s ever gone up against it! What kind of weapon could we possibly use to fight it?
MICHAEL KRAWIC
Bed sheets.
BRIT SHAW
HAHAHA that’s a good one. HAHAHA for a second there I thought you were actually suggesting oh God you’re serious.
MICHAEL KRAWIC
But first we need to trap this demon made of black smoke with a Seal of Solomon and a circle of salt.
CHRIS J. MURRAY
(sighing)
Why not. We may as well rip off Supernatural. It’s been years since that was relevant either.
The TRAP works! The HEROES throw BEDSHEETS soaked in holy water on the DEMON.
DEMON
(struggling to get sheet off)
Gah! I look like one of those "bed sheet ghosts" you see at every Halloween!
(beat)
Oh God, is this what "The Ghost Dimension" was referring to?
MIHCAEL KRAWIC dies, but the DEMON vanishes.
BRIT SHAW
Hey, it worked!
CHRIS J. MURRAY
Yep, after quite an obvious build-up, all the tension has suddenly been released!
DAN SHAW
OH SH-
(killed by Olivia)
OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY
(vomiting acid)
Ugh! Was my main plot function just to throw up on Dan?
(dies)
The DEMON transforms into the TAR MONSTER from SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED and kills CHRIS. BRIT and IVY try to escape him and fall through a TIME PORTAL. Yes, a TIME PORTAL. To the setting of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3.
IVY GEORGE
Hey, a time portal! This is like the ending to “The Marked Ones”
BRIT SHAW
Wait, so we’re ripping off the ending to the fifth Paranormal Activity movie, which ripped off the ending to the first Paranormal Activity movie, all so we can rip off the ending to the third Paranormal Activity movie? That’s so lazy it’s breathtaking. Like an Eiffel Tower of awfulness.
BRIT loses track of IVY and finds herself enacting...
BRIT SHAW
Mandatory Scene No. 999876. A protagonist of one of the later P.A. films finds themselves running desperately through an unfamiliar location, being buffeted with jump scares, until...
IVY GEORGE
Mandatory Scene No. 999877! The protagonist finds a lost loved one, but they're completely under evil's power. I'm friends with the demon now, Mommy!
DEMON
Brit, I'm ecstatic you've found your way through my time portal. My plan for a big Scooby Doo-style chase with every Paranormal Activity character chasing each other through the ending of all six movies is nearly complete!
BRIT SHAW
Actually, it's seven mov-
(killed offscreen)
DEMON
And you fell for Mandatory Scene No. 999878! The protagonist is killed offscreen and the camera is knocked aside by a final jump scare!
JUMP SCARE
Hi. I'm a human leg this time. Not as bad as a lunging demonic face, but let's face it, nobody cares anymore.
DEMON
Annnnnnnd we're done! The master plan I've spent the entire franchise working on is finally complete!
IVY GEORGE
What WAS the plan?
DEMON
The plan was to possess the body of Katie Featherston as a child, so I could forget about her and possess the body of her sister as an adult, then forget about her as well and possess the body of Katie Featherston as an adult, so I could possess the body of her nephew, so I could possess Ivy’s body, so that I could leave her and claim a completely random fifth human body!
TERMINATOR: GENISYS
(shaking head)
Dude, your time travelling storyline makes no sense.
END
PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS BE THE END. I CAN'T WRITE ANOTHER SCRIPT THAT'S JUST "FURNTIURE MOVES AND IT ISN'T SCARY".