FADE IN:

EXT. VARIOUS SUBURBAN HOMES

PREVIOUSLY...on "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY"!

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS

Whoo! We're moving by ourselves! Spooky!

DEMON

Petty annoyances! Every human's worst nightmare!

SUBURBANITES

We're white! And dumb as fuck!

(nearly all killed offscreen)

JORGE DIAZ

I can travel through time! How? Why???

(killed offscreen)

BEDROOM DOOR

(glares angrily)

AND NOW...THE EXCITING CONCLUSION!

INT. HALLIE FOOTE'S HOUSE - 1988

YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON and YOUNG SPRAGUE GRAYDEN have fallen under the control of their evil grandmother HALLIE FOOTE.

YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON

At last! After the exciting conclusion to the fifth Paranormal Activity movie, we pick up right where we left off...in the third Paranormal Activity movie. Oh boy, we're off to a bad start.

HALLIE FOOTE

Shut up! You're completely under my demonic thrall now, completely negating the events of Paranormal Activity 1 & 2!

DON MCMANUS

And I'm the new cult leader! We needed more villains and story threads!

INT. OH LOOK. ANOTHER WELL-TO-DO HOUSE IN WHITE SUBURBIA. EVERYONE TAKE A SHOT. 2013

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Well time to properly start this HOLY FUCK WE'RE ON SIX PARANORMAL ACTIVITY MOVIES! HOLY SHIT!

BRIT SHAW

Actually it's seven Paranormal Activity movies, if you count "Tokyo Night". Hi, I'm Chris's wife.

DAN GILL

I'm Chris's brother. I'm here to piece myself together after a devastating break-up, and that never comes up again.

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

And I'm...I'm...I think I'm a friend of the family. I don't do anything to forward plot or character development.

IVY GEORGE

And I'm Chris and Brit's adorable six-year-old daughter! There's no way the demon isn't coming after me hardest.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Well, there's no use fighting it. Let's get the mundane scenes of us as a family over with.

DAN GILL

And the footage of someone being a dick.

BRIT SHAW

And the opening jump scares that turn out to be nothing.

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

Fake-out scares in white suburbia? But there's already a Goosebumps adaptation in theatres!

DAN GILL

At least these mandatory scenes will be livened up by my relationship problems. And then deadened when I'm moved to the background.

CHRIS stumbles across a 1980s-STYLE VIDEO CAMERA.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Well, we've filmed these movies with everything else. We're one film away from GoPros and satellite images.

DAN SHAW

Found footage huh? Some things never change. Ever.

Suddenly, one of the PRODUCERS finds a quarter underneath the SOFA and the movie's budget DOUBLES IN SIZE.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Good news! We can now afford the special effects to actually show the monster! We can see him through this camera!

DAN SHAW

Neat!

(beat)

But wait, wasn’t leaving the demon to our imaginations the only thing that made this franchise scary in the first place?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Ah, don't worry. We've built up to this for six years. I'm sure-

The DEMON resembles stray cigarette smoke.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Uh...lung cancer. It's the most frightening monster of them all.

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

As a quick aside, did you guys know that I believe there are different planes of existence? Filled with unearthly energy?

DAN SHAW

You mean like a...ghost dimension?

(winks)

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

No. Now would the perfect time to namedrop it, but no. That subtitle never becomes relevant.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

This camera also allows us to film in 3D. Of course, the really impressive effects only come at the end, but for now...

We see an ordinary suburban living room...in 3D!!!

INT. CHRIS J. MURRAY'S HOUSE - A DAY LATER, MAYBE MORE? THE TIMEFRAME'S MUCH MORE VAGUE THAN THE EARLIER MOVIES

CHRIS and DAN find the tapes that make up "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3"

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Oh wow, old VHS tapes! Let's watch them for the rest of the movie!

DAN GILL

We're putting a found footage movie in our found footage movie. We have reached the found footage singularity.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Come on dude. Sit down and watch with me. It'll be creepy.

DAN GILL

Really? Will the same jump scares still be-

CHRIS J. MURRAY

No, I was referring to the fact that we'll be watching through a stranger's videos of their children playing AND their amateur porn.

DAN GILL

Oh. Joy.

They watch until they come across FOOTAGE of the YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON and YOUNG SPRAGUE GRAYDEN with DON MCMANUS.

DON MCMANUS

Don't be frightened children. I'm here to teach you about your supernatural abilities, which you suddenly have.

HALLIE FOOTE

I'd teach you, as I'm the much more fleshed-out character, but I brought in Don so I could stand quietly in the back of all his scenes.

DON MCMANUS

What do you see, young Katie?

YOUNG KATIE FEATHERSTON

I can see the future! I see a big jump scare coming.

DON MCMANUS

Yeah, that's not really a great feat of-

JUMP SCARE

Boo!

INT. CHRIS J. MURRAY'S HOUSE - MAYBE THAT SAME NIGHT?

CHRIS wanders around in the dark.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Hello? Is anyone there? Is anyone there in the deep shadows and unending silence?

REMARKABLY, CHRIS makes it through without even getting JUMP SCARED, a first in the HISTORY OF ALL HORROR CINEMA. But in the BATHROOM he finds-

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Ivy! What are you doing?

IVY GEORGE

Playing Bloody Mary.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

But how would you know about Bloody Mary, the most popular sleepover game in the world? Something spooky is going on!

IVY GEORGE

I've also cut my hand and the mirror's smashed...

CHRIS J. MURRAY

BLOODY MARY IS WORSE!!!

INT. NIGHT (AND DAY) 1

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Okay, we've gone through the Mandatory Scenes where I decide to put cameras everywhere and convince my loved one that's a sane thing to do. Time to see some ghosts demons!

The DEMON appears next to IVY'S bed. Also, he is a SEVEN FOOT FOUNTAIN OF INK now.

DEMON

Normally we open the first nights with something ambiguous in order to slowly ratchet up the tension and unease. This time, fuck it.

IVY GEORGE

Is there any reason I should find you scary?

DEMON

Of course there is! Watch!

(leaps at the camera)

Did you see that? I leapt straight at the audience! It's scary because no one's used 3D to make things leap out at an audience before.

IVY GEORGE

Yes I saw it.

DEMON

Neat huh? I'm going to do it three hundred more times!

IVY GEORGE

Please don't.

INT. NIGHT (AND DAY) 2

CHRIS and DAN watch the previous nights tapes.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Well, there you have it. Almost completely unambiguous evidence of paranormal activity. I guess we'd better show Brit.

DAN GILL

What? Why would you show this evidence to the person you're trying to prove it to?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Aside from the fact that the demon physically assaults her in the video? Okay.

JUMP SCARE No. 1458293 happens.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Hey, Ivy was vaguely in the area when the jump scare happened, so the demon must be connected to her!

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

The demon jumped right at me! Why would you think it was connected to-

CHRIS J. MURRAY

The demon is connected to Ivy! Everything fits!

(beat)

It's kind of disturbing I had multiple cameras in Ivy's bedroom before I'd sussed out that connection.

NIGHT falls. DAN stays up to observe.

DAN GILL

Grainy 80s style surveillance...long dark corridors...old fashioned timecode counting down the early hours of morning...I'm having "Five Nights at Freddie's" flashbacks! Aaaah!

DEMON

Oh relax. Nothing scary happens in this movie without a painfully obvious build-up, or just after the tension defuses from a painfully obvious build-up. If Foxy is here you'll be able to see him coming from over a mile away.

DAN GILL

Thanks man. That's a load off my mind.

DEMON

In fact would you say I've defused a painfully obvious build-up?

DAN GILL

OH SH-

JUMP SCARE

Boo!

INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 3

CHRIS and DAN review last night's footage.

DAN GILL

Again? It feels like half of this movie is confirming that yes, we did in fact see a jump scare.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

A clear shot of the demon's face! This calls for a large dose of Continue To Keep My Wife In The Dark!

They also discover...

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Ivy! You've drawn occult symbols all over your bedroom wall!

IVY GEORGE

(head spins around)

(vomits pea soup)

CHRIS J. MURRAY

These symbols are clearly dangerous!

(briefly glances at computer screen)

My God! They belong to an evil cult known as The Midwives, who worship and serve demons! Their modus operandi is...

(continuity porn)

(continuity porn)

(continuity porn)

DAN GILL

I must say, you're putting this together awfully fast for a Paranormal Activity protagonist.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Yeah, well thank trying to resolve six movies worth of unanswered questions in one movie.

BRIT SHAW

Actually, it's seven-

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Nobody cares, Brit!

DAN GILL

So have you erased the occult symbols off her wall yet?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Nope! They'll be there for the rest of the movie!

DAN GILL

What? Why the fuck would you-

CHRIS J. MURRAY

It's nothing to worry about!

IVY GEORGE

(smashes flatscreen TV)

(sets fire to bed)

(commissions a further seven found footage franchises)

THAT NIGHT...

IVY GEORGE

Demon?

DEMON

Yeah?

IVY GEORGE

Chris's magic 80s camera can both see AND hear you, right?

DEMON

That's pretty well established at this point.

IVY GEORGE

So how come we only hear my side of our conversations?

DEMON

(punching Christmas ornament)

I knocked over an angel! SYMBOLISM!

IVY GEORGE

Oh yeah, this takes place in the Christmas season. Although these days that could be anytime from late June to December.

INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 4

BRIT and CHRIS bring a priest FATHER MARK FREDRICHS MAX VON SYDOW MICHAEL KRAWIC to look at IVY.

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Ivy, would you mind if I came into your room for a minute?

IVY GEORGE

(nods)

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Ivy, would you mind if I talked to you for a bit?

IVY GEORGE

(nods)

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Ivy, would you mind if I played with your teddy bear?

IVY GEORGE

(nods)

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Ivy, would you mind if I dabbed you with holy water?

IVY GEORGE

(nods)

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Ivy, would you-

BRIT SHAW

Oh for FUCK'S sake, get to the jump scare already! We all know it's coming, what's the hold up?

JUMP SCARE

(rushing in)

Sorry I'm late guys! The traffic was bad and I-

(notices audience)

Oh. Uh...Boo?

MICHAEL KRAWIC

This demon feeds on your fear. You should probably stop giving it attention until I come back with a battle plan.

(beat)

Wait, there was an expert who gave advice like that in the first movie. You're not all going to ignore me like him are you?

INT. DAY (AND NIGHT) 5

The FAMILY does a bunch of research on the DEMON and continue filming everything.

MICHAEL KRAWIC

GODDAMMIT.

CHRIS and DAN watch more videos of the cast of PARANROMAL ACTIVITY 3.

DAN GILL

Is it wise to spend so much time reminding the audience that we did the whole creepy child thing much better in "PA3"?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Ah, but then we're going to make a bunch of references to "Paranormal Activity 4", to remind them that we've also done it much worse.

DAN GILL

Nice, any references to "Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones"?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Fuck you.

BRIT SHAW

(coming in)

So have we found out anything about the final fate of Katie Featherston or the Midwives? You know, the actual main characters of this series?

CHRIS J. MURRAY

No, but we've spent some time establishing why the relator gave us such a good deal on this house.

BRIT SHAW

...

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Turns out it was witches.

BRIT SHAW

This franchise can not be over fast enough.

THAT NIGHT, IVY walks through a mysterious PORTAL that appears in her bedroom.

DEMON

Knowing from later in the movie where this leads, I should really close this portal now and win instantly. But hey, we've got to fill ninety minutes.

(waits patiently for Ivy to escape hours later)

INT. NIGHT #6

After some more JUMP SCARES no one cares about, CHRIS and BRIT call back MICHAEL KRAWIC.

MICHAEL KRAWIC

It's no use exorcizing the demon. We have to kill it.

BRIT SHAW

But how? This demon has effortlessly curb-stomped everyone who’s ever gone up against it! What kind of weapon could we possibly use to fight it?

MICHAEL KRAWIC

Bed sheets.

BRIT SHAW

HAHAHA that’s a good one. HAHAHA for a second there I thought you were actually suggesting oh God you’re serious.

MICHAEL KRAWIC

But first we need to trap this demon made of black smoke with a Seal of Solomon and a circle of salt.

CHRIS J. MURRAY

(sighing)

Why not. We may as well rip off Supernatural. It’s been years since that was relevant either.

The TRAP works! The HEROES throw BEDSHEETS soaked in holy water on the DEMON.

DEMON

(struggling to get sheet off)

Gah! I look like one of those "bed sheet ghosts" you see at every Halloween!

(beat)

Oh God, is this what "The Ghost Dimension" was referring to?

MIHCAEL KRAWIC dies, but the DEMON vanishes.

BRIT SHAW

Hey, it worked!

CHRIS J. MURRAY

Yep, after quite an obvious build-up, all the tension has suddenly been released!

DAN SHAW

OH SH-

(killed by Olivia)

OLIVIA TAYLOR DUDLEY

(vomiting acid)

Ugh! Was my main plot function just to throw up on Dan?

(dies)

The DEMON transforms into the TAR MONSTER from SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED and kills CHRIS. BRIT and IVY try to escape him and fall through a TIME PORTAL. Yes, a TIME PORTAL. To the setting of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3.

IVY GEORGE

Hey, a time portal! This is like the ending to “The Marked Ones”

BRIT SHAW

Wait, so we’re ripping off the ending to the fifth Paranormal Activity movie, which ripped off the ending to the first Paranormal Activity movie, all so we can rip off the ending to the third Paranormal Activity movie? That’s so lazy it’s breathtaking. Like an Eiffel Tower of awfulness.

BRIT loses track of IVY and finds herself enacting...

BRIT SHAW

Mandatory Scene No. 999876. A protagonist of one of the later P.A. films finds themselves running desperately through an unfamiliar location, being buffeted with jump scares, until...

IVY GEORGE

Mandatory Scene No. 999877! The protagonist finds a lost loved one, but they're completely under evil's power. I'm friends with the demon now, Mommy!

DEMON

Brit, I'm ecstatic you've found your way through my time portal. My plan for a big Scooby Doo-style chase with every Paranormal Activity character chasing each other through the ending of all six movies is nearly complete!

BRIT SHAW

Actually, it's seven mov-

(killed offscreen)

DEMON

And you fell for Mandatory Scene No. 999878! The protagonist is killed offscreen and the camera is knocked aside by a final jump scare!

JUMP SCARE

Hi. I'm a human leg this time. Not as bad as a lunging demonic face, but let's face it, nobody cares anymore.

DEMON

Annnnnnnd we're done! The master plan I've spent the entire franchise working on is finally complete!

IVY GEORGE

What WAS the plan?

DEMON

The plan was to possess the body of Katie Featherston as a child, so I could forget about her and possess the body of her sister as an adult, then forget about her as well and possess the body of Katie Featherston as an adult, so I could possess the body of her nephew, so I could possess Ivy’s body, so that I could leave her and claim a completely random fifth human body!

TERMINATOR: GENISYS

(shaking head)

Dude, your time travelling storyline makes no sense.

END

PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS BE THE END. I CAN'T WRITE ANOTHER SCRIPT THAT'S JUST "FURNTIURE MOVES AND IT ISN'T SCARY".