The MARVEL STUDIOS FANFARE INTRO is done specially with extra WANDAVISION images, the first and last time this movie respects WANDAVISION.

FADE IN:

EXT. EVERY FUCKING THING IS FLOATING

XOCHITL GOMEZ and EL MEDICO EXTRANO are fleeing the SINGLE MESSIEST SPECIAL EFFECT IN THE ENTIRE MCU but it is TOO STRONG!

RANCHEROS CUMBERBATCH

I can't let that beast kill you and take your powers! The only option is if I kill you and take your powers, since there's no way this beast could ever kill ME and take

(dead)

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Oh shit! There's no way out of THIS predicament unless I'm so terrified that I reflexively unleash my multiverse-hopping powers!

(does so)

I'm sure we won't go to that well TOO often.

XOCHITL and DEADS BENEDICT get sucked into the PORTAL and OUR BENEDICT wakes up, from a DREAM! He rushes off to...

INT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE BUSTLING CHURCH OF MATRIMONY

BENEDICT attends the WEDDING of RACHEL MCADAMS... to SOMEONE ELSE WHAAAAAAT okay this can't have come as a shock to ANYONE.

RACHEL MCADAMS

I'm sure you understand. Yes, you saved half the universe and you're all that, but you gotta admit you were a bit of a dick about it.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I'm a bit surprised you invited me honestly, though even more surprised you invited that GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER YOIKS BE RIGHT BACK

CUMBERBATCH flies into the STREET where XOCHITL is being menaced by the selfsame GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER which has a SINGLE GIANT EYE and yet also DEPTH PERCEPTION SOMEHOW!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Don't worry little one, I'm everyone's magical surrogate Dad now, I got this!

BENEDICT conjures an ENERGY BLADE to chop off one of the MONSTER’S TENTACLES! Then he conjures another ENERGY BLADE to chop off another one of the MONSTER’S TENTACLES! Then the MONSTER throws a BUS at him, so he conjures an ENORMOUS ENERGY BLADE to chop the ENTIRE BUS IN HALF LENGTHWAYS!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Why the hell aren’t you using one of those things on ITS GODDAMN HEAD?! IT IS NINETY PERCENT HEAD FOR FUCK’S SAKE

BENEDICT WONG appears and the TWO BENNYS attack with POINTY THINGS ON MAGIC ROPES which are USELESS, until finally they STAB it right in the FUCKING EYE, which as it turns out, was also its BRAIN. They WIN!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Yuck, did we really have to pluck out the WHOLE eye? Gross. Which reminds me, I'm FAMISHED.

INT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE RESTAURANT OF MUNCHIES

The BENNYS take XOCHITL for lunch and explanations.

XOCHITL GOMEZ

So yeah I'm playing the character America Chavez, who can travel between multiverses although as of now, I also can't control it. Also if you turn on subtitles you can appreciate the timeliness of certain captions like "America groans", "America struggles", "America cries", and so on.

(eats)

Anyway monsters are after me so Dead Benny and I were searching for the Book of Vishanti, a magical artifact which can conveniently do anything at all.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh I call bullshit, that's ludicrously overpowered and vague even by OUR standards. And we only have your word for any of this...

XOCHITL GOMEZ

(drops Dead Benny on table)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Okay I believe you. We gotta figure out who's behind this... hm, that monster had RUNES on it, and runes are used by WITCHES. Hmmm....

BENEDICT WONG

Maybe we should check with the one and only character in the entire MCU we know of that has any connection to witchcraft whatsoever, even though technically she only identified her powers as "witchcraft" during her own Disney+ series that we weren't in.

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE CHERRY TREES OF OLSEN

ELIZABETH OLSEN is tending to her immaculate cherry orchard when CUMBERBATCH arrives.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Don't worry, I'm not here to Chekhov on you. I need your help with-

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Oh no is Xochitl Gomez in trouble?!? I'd be totes happy to help Xochitl Gomez, why not bring Xochitl Gomez right here and put her in that bubbling cauldron I've prepared next to the cookbook titled "TO SERVE XOCHITL GOMEZ"???

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Waaaiiiiit a second.... you're not in my "Names I Wish I Could Play in Scrabble" group chat, so how did you know...

ELIZABETH OLSEN

UGH OKAY FINE I'M EVIL, this orchard is an elaborate illusion I made in case visitors dropped by.

(reveals scarlet deathscape)

This might seem to throw WandaVision under the bus, but it's okay! My Scarlet Witch powers actually have a sinister will of their own and have taken me over, and the Darkhold ALSO has a sinister will of its own and has taken me over, so anything I do in this movie I technically do under two separate layers of the MCU’s beloved MMMMIND CONTROL.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh. So instead of a betrayal of the character that contradicts your arc from WandaVision, it’s just a hacky copout that renders your arc from WandaVision basically moot. That’s... worse?

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

Whatevs, just bring me Xochitl so I can drain her powers, killing her, and go to a multiverse where I can be finally reunited with my entire family!

(Paul Bettany has scheduling conflict)

...where I can be finally reunited with my children, and only them!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

What if we help Xochitl control her powers and then ask nicely? We might even find a multiverse where you died and Bettany lived, so that-

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

MMMMMMMMIND CONTROL SAYS FUCK THAT, I GIVE YOU UNTIL SUNRISE TO COMPLY THEN IMA WRECK YOUR SHIT

INT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE KAMAR-TAJ OF SCAREDNESS

BENNY returns with the less than awesome news.

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Crap, the evil witch who wants to kill me knows exactly where I am! Oh, if only I were surrounded by dozens of people who could instantly teleport me anywhere else in the galaxy!

(looks around pointedly)

Everybody instead PREPS FOR BATTLE and sure enough LIZ eventually arrives all floaty and scary like.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Right, I got this.

(floats upwards)

Perhaps instead of what you originally came for, I might offer you BOFA DEEZ NUTS

(does crotch-chop hip thrust)

(lands)

That should do it.

However EVILIZABETH uses her MAGIC and MMMMIND CONTROL to MASSACRE almost everyone and CORNER our heroes!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Shit, she made my Sling Ring vanish! We REALLY should learn how to do this one spell without needing accessories. Wait a sec, accessories!

(slaps head)

Why didn't I think of this sooner, I can use my magical whip to teleport Liz to the Sanctum's escape-proof dungeon...

(handed note)

"Unavailable"?!? The fuck? That was ONE MOVIE AGO. From last DECEMBER. Holy crap people.

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

Ha ha, now the Benedicts shall die--no, instant disintegration's TOO GOOD for you two, I shall KNOCK YOU OUT instead! Nyah ha ha!

(does so)

LIZ starts to ABSORB XOCHITL'S POWERS but she gets scared enough to OPEN A MULTIVERSE PORTAL! CUMBERBATCH revives and TACKLES XOCHITL into it! They find themselves falling through EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE A HANDFUL OF WACKY SCREENSAVERS FOR TEN SECONDS OR SO before landing in--

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE N.Y.C. OF WTF-NESS

CUMBERBATCH and XOCHITL arrive in a bizarre alternate NEW YORK where you WALK ON RED and call it THE BIG BANANA and the entire state is NEVER EVER ON BILLY JOEL'S MIND, NOT EVEN ONCE. XOCHITL grabs some STREET FOOD thinking it's FREE but it is NOT FREE.

OBLIGATORY CAMEO BY BRUCE CAMPBELL

Hey, she stole that! And you're a knockoff!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh, so you've been robbed AND you're a little rude, huh?

(casts spell)

Well hope you enjoy PUNCHING YOURSELF FOR THREE WEEKS there that's a perfectly proportional response, I'm clearly the hero in this encounter.

(to Xochitl)

Please understand we had to do some kind of Evil Dead 2 shoutout and that's one of the only things anyone remembers about it.

They proceed down the street in this amazing NEW MULTIVERSE, full of wonders only limited by the screenwriters' imaginations! What fantastical delights lie in store-

EXPOSITION MACHINE

HELLO I AM A MACHINE THAT PROVIDES EXPOSITION AND BACKSTORY TO THE AUDIENCE, STEP RIGHT UP, GET YER BACKSTORY EXPOSITED RIGHT HERE

XOCHITL GOMEZ

(activates machine)

Oh wow, a memory of me with my (gasp) TWO MOMS! Don't worry though, they're very ethereal and chaste with hardly any lines. But this was the day a bee scared me SO MUCH that it triggered my power, hurtling all of us through a portal, I haven't seen them since!

(America sobs at the perilous situation of her LGBTQ family)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Yeah I see what you mean about the timely captions. Buck up kid, I'm sure there's a heartwarming reunion scene in your future. I give it two, three more movies tops.

They find the SANCTUM SANCTORUM which has a statue dedicated to a version of CUMBERBATCH that shockingly has NO GOATEE!! NO FACIAL HAIR AT ALL WHAT IN GOD'S NAME oh also and is dead.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Hello! Ha ha ha, yes, OUR Cumberbatch died in battle with Thanos, I run the Sanctum here. Please, come in, have some tea. THIS tea in particular. Drink lots and lots of this tea.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(drinks)

Urk.. whaaa.. the tea... DRUGGED!! Losing... consciousness...

(passes out)

XOCHITL GOMEZ

So... am I! whurg

(passes out)

MAGIC CLOAK

(somehow... is also... drugged! Didn't even... drink...)

(passes out)

INT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE JUDGMENT ROOM OF FUCKWITS

CUMBERBATCH is brought in magic-proof cuffs to be judged by THE FULL VERSION OF ALL THOSE TEASER TRAILERS FINALLY AW YEEEAHHH

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Our Cumberbatch was an even bigger asshole than you, big enough to swallow entire multiverses inside. So we had to kill him, and maybe you too just to be safe. And now, may I introduce YOOOUUUR STARTING LINEUP for the EARTH 838 ILLUUUUUMINAATIIII!!!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Captain Carter, reporting! Next to me is Anson Mount as Black Bolt, leader of the Inhumans, because in this universe his show didn't BLOW ASS CHUNKS

LASHANA LYNCH

And here, I'M Captain Marvel! Presumably in this continuity I took the mission Brie Larson did, but I didn't have a fun enough jacket for my daughter to suggest a new colour scheme.

JOHN KRASINSKI

HEY-OH REED RICHARDS, LEADER OF THE FAN-CASTED FOUR, IN THE HOUUUUSE! Is anyone else feeling these reveals would have been way better if we hadn't spoiled them all months ago? But we still have the ultimate power move... SIR PATRICK STEW-

PATRICK STEWART

Look, don’t get too excited. After the whole Ralph Bohner incident I wouldn’t be surprised if I turned out to actually be a retired plumber’s assistant called Randy Glascock or something.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(looking around)

No Tom Cruise Iron Man then? Bummer. Oh well, not like any of you will still be around ten minutes from now, could have had Jaxxon T. Tumperakki up there for all it matters.

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

(over loudspeakers)

Hey gang it's me, I've possessed my Earth-838 counterpart Elizabeth Wholesome! I'd have gotten here sooner but some rando Wong stan destroyed my Darkhold, and I had to go find the mystical mountaintop with the original session tapes.

HAYLEY, LASHANA, ANSON, and JOHN rush over to the BIG BATTLE CHAMBER to confront LIZ.

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

Right let's kick things off by magically erasing Anson's mouth, a tactic which would really help defeat all of you but I like each of my murders to be a little special, y'know?

ANSON MOUTHLESS

oh shit well i'm fine as long as i don't WHOOPS

(dead)

JOHN KRASINSKI

Dammit Liz don't make me use my stretchy powers! They look really silly!

(stretches goofily)

(dies of embarrassment)

HAYLEY ATWELL

You won't kill me THAT easily, I’m an already-established character in this franchise! That means I get to have an actual fight, even if that makes no sense.

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

All right fine, I’ll brawl with you instead of instantly making your head explode I guess.

(brawls)

HAYLEY ATWELL

Heh heh, I can do this all day.

(bisected with own shield)

Or not.

(dies)

LASHANA ATTACKS! But somehow LIZ sucks all LASHANA'S POWER out of her so she can be killed by a LARGE ROCK in a dignified heroic way.

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

Wow, let's hope that "totally drain opponent's powers" spell isn't something that would instantly get me out of any future jam, or past one! In fact, what spell?

Back in the JUDGMENT CHAMBER, CHIWETEL guards BENNY.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(poutily)

Don’t think you’re getting out of that vote, Benedict! Once my fellow Illuminati finish getting slaughtered, I’m dragging their corpses RIGHT BACK HERE and we are gonna VOTE.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Gonna take some quick thinking to get out of this jam... hm. Hey Chiwetel, sure would SUCK if you ATTACKED me right now! Especially if you did so swinging your SWORD towards my magic cuffs!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Oh YEAH well maybe I WILL then!

(cuts cuffs in two!)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(clamping one cuff on Chiwetel)

Heh heh, now neither of us can use magic, so you’ll have to face me in hand-to-hand combat! So prepare to face the martial arts chops of a middle-aged neurosurgeon with busted hands!

(pause)

I may not have thought this all the way through.

In an adjoining room, XOCHITL is trapped in a special holding cell built by EARTH-838 SCIENTIST RACHEL MCADAMS, WHAAA?!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Whuh oh, Evilizabeth’s here to murder everyone and then me, this is terrifying! Good thing I have a superpower specifically designed to let me escape places, which triggers whenever I’m afraid.

(nothing happens)

What, seriously? Damn, if only there were something REALLY scary here, like a bee.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Don't worry, these cages designed to imprison superbeings can surely be smashed by a common fire extinguisher!

(they cannot)

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Or wait, I also have a star-punch power I used before and then kind of forgot about!

(punches hole in cage)

LIZ arrives but is interrupted by SIR PATRICK! PSYCHIC BATTLE is JOINED!

PATRICK STEWART

Now for an epic battle on par with the great Prof. X vs. Phoenix battles-

(neck snapped)

Oh fucking hell, this is the third time I’ve been murdered playing this role. You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson by now.

(dies)

Fortunately this buys ENOUGH TIME for CUMBERBATCH to regroup with RACHEL and XOCHITL and his MAGIC CLOAK that's been busy doing FUCK KNOWS WHAT, and together they find a door to the FLOATY DIMENSION WITH THE BOOK OF VISHANTI YAY!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Okay all-powerful book, time for that instant-win spell which is--a magic energy blast?! I was doing that before! Well maybe this one is better

(zapped by Liz!)

FNORTZ I GUESS NOT

XOCHITL is finally scared enough to open a PORTAL! LIZ boots BENNY and RACHEL through it, then uses her MMMMMIND CONTROL to direct the portal to EARTH-616 MOUNT WUNDERBAR.

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Hey why not just MMMMIND CONTROL me to go to the multiverse you want?

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

We addressed this in the movie, what if the kids get sick and the cure exists in some other multiverse? Or what if the wifi goes out during the third period of the Stanley Cup finals and we need to find a multiverse where it didn't? What if I forget to pick up fibre pills and... well you get the idea. It's just WAY more convenient if I have the power myself.

(throws Xochitl on evil altar)

NOW FOR THE UNNECESSARILY LONG SACRIFICIAL RITUAL!

(sets timer, waits)

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE FUCKED-UP REALM OF CRAPNESS

CUMBERBATCH and RACHEL land in a dark and sinister New York where reality is FUCKED. Since BENEDICT'S solution to everything is "find another me" they DO THAT, and he comes face-to-face with YET ANOTHERBATCH!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(to self)

Right, must tread carefully here, we don't know what's what.

(loudly)

Wow, this place is a trashheap hey you've got a Darkhold! Gimme!

(casts spell)

DERELICT CUMBERBATCH

(counters)

Fuck you, I need that to keep murdering my multiverse-selves in ways that give you nightmares!

(pops open third eye)

Surprise, I'm evil, in case the captioning calling me "Sinister Strange" hadn't tipped you off already.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Dammit! Once again my turning to someone for help has initially appeared promising, only for it to be revealed they're plotting my doom... shit that's three times now in this movie alone! I really suck at turning to someone for help.

BENEDICT is thrown by BEING-A-DICK SLUMBERBAD into a PIANO!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh so it's a CLASSICAL MUSIC FIGHT you want, huh? Well take that!

(casts "Einstein on the Beach")

BEING-A-DICK SLUMBERBAD

(cut by shards of Glass)

Ow! Well two can play at THAT game!

(casts "4 Minutes 33 Seconds")

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(trapped in a Cage)

I'm not beaten so easily!

(casts "Reverse Bolero")

BEING-A-DICK SLUMBERBAD

(beginning to un-Ravel)

NOOOOO

(casts "Clair de lune")

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(pelted with cats)

ARGH DAMMIT

(casts "Das Lied von der Erde")

BEING-A-DICK SLUMBERBAD

(Mahlered by bears)

FUUUUUUCK

(thrown out window, impaled on spike)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(composes self, har har)

Phew. Now I can use the Darkhold to possess my corpse-self back in the 616 universe! Rachel, please be ready to battle any swarms of undead souls that attack us here. I'll use as many as I can to create a new soul-cape of screaming wraiths for my rotting zombie self!

RACHEL MCADAMS

(shrugs)

Hey if Marvel didn't want Sam Raimi, they shouldn't have hired Sam Raimi.

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MOUNTAIN REALM OF SACRIFICE

Meanwhile LIZ is finally about to murder XOCHITL when her GUARD BEASTIES get fragged by BENEDEAD CORPSERBATCH and BENEDICT WONG! They trap LIZ in a giant WRAITH GLOWBALL!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

That won't hold her long. It's okay, you can take my power, even though you two won't shut up about how you can't possibly stand up to Liz without some all-powerful ultraweapon.

BENEDEAD CORPSERBATCH

Don’t you see, Xochitl, you’ve been subconsciously controlling your powers the whole time! You intentionally brought us to all the correct universes to connect the story together!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Um, no, that doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t possess any of the information necessary to enact that plan, consciously or not.

BENEDEAD CORPSERBATCH

Hm, true. Well then I guess the only explanation is that your powers include the ability to pick an optimal course of action by pure dumb luck! So go out there, open a portal at random, and trust that it’ll happen to resolve the plot for us!

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Yes! Deus ex machina powers for the win!

XOCHITL opens a portal to ELIZABETH WHOLESOME'S HOUSE where the KIDS see EVIL LIZ and are TERRIFIED!

EVILIZABETH OLSEN

Huh, seems my kids DON'T want their Mom to be a crazed murdering supervillain. Well this kind of fucks my whole plan to shit doesn't it. Oops.

XOCHITL GOMEZ

(closes portal)

Yay I control my powers now! C'mon Wongers, let's go rescue Cumberbatch and Rachel from their half-baked romantic subplot before they have to kiss or something.

(they portal away)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Ah, I'm myself again. Now I seem to remember people being all pissed off I never faced consequences for WandaVision, so why don't I pull this whole mountain down on myself, see if that makes them happy.

(does so)

ELIZABETH is crushed by a few million tons of ROCK, although eagle-eyed viewers will have spotted a FINAL FLASH OF SCARLET ENERGY which suggests that MAYBE JUST MAYBE WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF well you know how this works.

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE HAPPY REALM OF GLADNESS

Back at KAMAR-TAJ everything is awesome again! XOCHITL trains alongside other sorcerors and presumably JACOB BATALON is juuuust off-camera since we know CUMBERBATCH remembers SPIDER-MAN so should remember NED, right?

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Now that I've gained control of my multiverse powers you might think I'd be actively searching for my Moms, but sure, let's learn some whole different skills from absolute scratch.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Speaking of Moms, let's take a MOMent to appreciate how "Multiverse of Madness" abbreviates to MOM, and we released this movie on Mother's Day weekend!

(grins)

XOCHITL GOMEZ

Yes having the primary mother being a raving child-obsessed homicidal maniac, and two other mothers banished to an unknown fate, that's quite the tribute there guys.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

True but, ah, the thing is, er... OH NO A THIRD EYE JUST GREW IN MY HEAD WHAAAAAT

(dramatic chords!!)

AMERICA sighs.

END

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE BONUS SCENE OF MID-CREDITS-NESS

BENEDICT is walking along when suddenly!

CHARLIZE THERON

Hihihi everyone it's me and look, I have a funky costume! Not too late to jump on board, there's still room for even more new heroes, I hope?

BINIDICT CUMBERBATCH

(popping third eye open to try and view entire upcoming slate of MCU projects at once)

Fuck it, why not.

(leaps through portal with Charlize)

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(across street)

Um, so are we ever picking up my 616-storyline again or what?

EXT. DOCTOR STRANGE NOT IN THE BONUS SCENE OF END-CREDITS-NESS

BRUCE CAMPBELL finally stops punching himself.

BRUCE CAMPBELL

Sweet! So y'know, with Stan Lee gone, if you're looking for someone new to cameo in every single MCU project--

(resumes punching himself)

AW C'MON

END