FADE IN:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

VERA FARMIGA talks to psychiatrist MARGO MARTINDALE about having a nightmare.

VERA FARMIGA

We're seeing kids for the first time this week, so maybe my nightmare stemmed from that.

MARGO MARTINDALE

You actually just said you're "seeing kids"? As if you were referring to a new pair of shoes, but instead you meant a child you're planning to adopt?

VERA FARMIGA

Yep. Also, I'm a recently recovered alcoholic, I'm still suffering from the loss of a stillborn birth, and my husband has some serious trust issues. But yes, we're about to go shop for a brand new kid.

MARGO MARTINDALE

And why do you always look like you're suffering from very bad cramps? But I think you're ready! Good luck.

INT. HOUSE

VERA and her husband PETER SARSGAARD discuss shopping for wholesale children.

PETER SARSGAARD

Are we sure about this? Everything indicates that we should not adopt right now, which is really understandable. Also, I would hate to trivialize the arduous process of adoption.

VERA FARMIGA

Don't worry, there's an infomercial about the importance of fostering and adopting the many children who need good homes right before the menu on the DVD.

PETER SARSGAARD

There is?

VERA FARMIGA

There really is.

PETER SARSGAARD

OK then. New kid it is.

INT. HOME FOR CREEPY ASS GIRLS

PETER and VERA shop for their new kid with head adoption nun CCH POUNDER.

CCH POUNDER

Welcome to my adoption warehouse. I mean nun run home for girls. I seem to run this place with less efficiency than a shady used car lot.

PETER meets ISABELLE FUHRMAN who is painting and dressed like a DEAD AMISH PERSON.

PETER SARSGAARD

Hey Vera! Come meet Isabelle! She sings songs from "Beaches" and she paints!

VERA FARMIGA

Where did you learn to paint so well?

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

I've just had a lot of time to practice. And I mean A LOT of time.

CCH POUNDER

So Isabelle here is from Russia, she is really smart, and she is fluent in English.

VERA FARMIGA

Anything else?

CCH POUNDER

She wears ribbons on her wrists and neck AT ALL TIMES, she flips the fuck out when you try to take them off, and her entire family died in a house fire. So you know, she is probably innately evil.

VERA FARMIGA

We'll take her!

PETER SARSGAARD

We will, and we won't even check her Carfax report.

INT.THEIR HOUSE

ISABELLE meets her new brother JIMMY BENNETT, and sister ARYANA ENGINEER. JIMMY is playing Guitar Hero and looks at Playboy inside his tree house to juxtapose what a normal child would do versus everything about ISABELLE.

JIMMY BENNETT

THIS is what you guys come home with? Why does she dress like that? No concern about the ribbons? Seriously? RIBBONS?

ARYANA ENGINEER

I'm hearing impaired and can read lips, which is delightfully useful for any psychopaths my parents decide to bring home.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

You little shits are going down.

Later that night VERA and PETER are going to town on each other when ARYANA and ISABELLE barge in.

VERA FARMIGA

Hello girls, pardon me as I try to casually dismount off of Peter.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

I want to climb in bed right next to him. Right now. At this very second.

PETER SKARSGAARD

I hope the audience has fun digesting that.

The next morning VERA gets ready to take ARYANA and ISABELLE to school. ISABELLE is still dressed for the AMISH FUNERAL.

VERA FARMIGA

Jesus. Put on some fucking jeans.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

No I have to stand out as much as possible, to discreetly hide my secret.

VERA FARMIGA

That makes perfect sense.

Later, ISABELLE catches PETER and VERA boning AGAIN, but this time they're in their kitchen. The next morning VERA tries to talk to ISABELLE about sex.

VERA FARMIGA

Sorry about that. You see, when two people love each other, they like to express that love while hunched over dishes in the sink...

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

I understand what you were doing was fucking.

VERA FARMIGA

That's right. Glad we had this chat.

VERA talks to PETER about ISABELLE being fucking weird.

VERA FARMIGA

Maybe she should see a shrink. She knows about fucking.

PETER SARSGAARD

Probably because she caught us doing it twice. I'm sure she's totally fine.

VERA FARMIGA

OK. But you should also know she threw a girl off a gym in a park and she keeps a Bible filled with pictures of random men.

PETER SARSGAARD

No biggie. And you're an unreliable lush, remember? I can't take anything you say seriously.

CCH POUNDER drops by to tell them ISABELLE is fucked up.

CCH POUNDER

So it looks like we keep VERY bad records on our kids. It also looks like Isabelle stabbed a kid and set her last family on fire.

PETER SARSGAARD

These are just coincidences.

VERA FARMIGA

Seriously? You're going to be this dense? And why do you always look like you're about to fall asleep?

PETER SARSGAARD

Well fine! We'll take her to your psychiatrist. But I REALLY think she's perfectly normal.

Meanwhile, ISABELLE gets a gun out of their safe, loads it, cocks it and puts it to ARYANA'S head. Then she throws ARYANA in front of CCH's car, and then smashes CCH with a hammer. To death. After all of this, she threatens to cut off JIMMY BENNETT'S dick.

VERA FARMIGA

We just found out that CCH was been brutally murdered right after she told us she thinks Isabelle is a brutal murderer. I'm concerned.

PETER SARSGAARD

I'm not seeing the connection.

VERA FARMIGA

Hey Peter, what would happen if you walked in a straight line forever?

PETER SARSGAARD

Don't be silly, that could never happen. Eventually I would fall off the earth.

VERA FARMIGA

That's what I thought.

The next day, ISABELLE almost kills ARYANA again by throwing her into oncoming traffic. AGAIN.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

MARGO MARTINDALE

ISABELLE is fine you guys. No problemos.

VERA FARMIGA

You're the lady who said we were ready to adopt a child right? I think your competence is in question.

MARGO MARTINDALE

Vera, this is all your fault. You need to go to rehab.

VERA FARMIGA

I bought two bottles of wine in a moment of weakness because I realized we adopted Girl Omen. I thought I could play a drinking game with myself every time Isabelle tries to kill my kids, keeps me from fucking my husband, throws someone into a road, catches something on fire, or smashes something to death. I didn't drink any, but if the audience doesn't have a good buzz at this point they're missing out.

PETER SARGAARD

I don't believe you. Go to rehab or I'm leaving you and taking our kids.

INT.THEIR HOUSE

ISABELLE talks to VERA about how she is a master manipulator.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

I know from your diary that you almost let Aryana drown because you were passed out and went to jail. That's why Peter doesn't trust you.

VERA FARMIGA

That's ridiculous. Grown women don't keep diaries.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

And children don't keep Bibles with photos of men inside. You should probably look into mine to get the plot moving.

ISABELLE burns down their tree house while JIMMY is inside of it.

INT. HOSPITAL

VERA FARMIGA

So I found Isabelle's Husband Bible and it turns out she came from a mental hospital, not an orphanage.

PETER SARGAARD

God you ARE SOO PREDICTABLE. She is fine Vera, you're the crazy one.

ISABELLE tries to kill JIMMY. AGAIN.

VERA FARMIGA

For fuck's sake don't let her near our kids anymore. Listen to me or you will die.

PETER goes home with ISABELLE and ARYANA.

INT.THEIR HOUSE

PETER drinks a bottle of wine while ISABELLE comes out dressed like DITA VON TEESE and tries to have a romantic evening with PETER. Her DAD.

PETER SARSGAARD

I'm so drunk I can barely ward of your advances.

ISABELLE FUHRMAN

REALLY? After a bottle? That's only about four glasses, and I appear to be a child who appears to be rubbing on your stuff. Pull yourself together.

PETER cries hysterically while ISABELLE caresses his head. He merely responds by telling her to go to her room. Meanwhile a man from a Russian mental hospital calls VERA and gives her THE TWIST.

MAN FROM MENTAL HOSPITAL

Isabelle isn't a child at all. She's a 33 year old with gross teeth, lots of scars, and a hormone problem that causes dwarfism. She also tries to fuck her adoptive Dads. And then kills them.

VERA FARMIGA

This movie just went from hideously ridiculous to hilariously awesome. But none of that explains why the fuck she was wearing the "Little House on the Prairie" inspired Hot Topic collection. Or the gross teeth, really. There's no excuse for that.

ISABELLE takes off her DITA make up and she looks BAD. Peter goes to her room.

PETER SARSGAARD

Wow. You painted your walls with freaky images in glow in the dark paint? And we never noticed that?

ISABELLE stabs PETER.

PETER SARSGAARD

Well I had this coming.

PETER dies. VERA arrives and ISABELLE falls through a glass ceiling, but she doesn't die. And then ARYANA shoots at her, but she doesn't die. And then VERA punches her and tosses her in a frozen lake and she finally dies.

VERA FARMIGA

And I even got to say a one liner! I think someone wrote this movie after staying up for seventy-two hours straight while strapped to a chair watching Makauley Culkin movies on loop. But it does manage to come together after substantial amounts of alcohol.

END