FADE IN:

EXT. MICAH AND KATIE'S HOUSE (DAY 1)

MICAH SLOAT is showing his girlfriend KATIE FEATHERSTON his new camera.

MICAH SLOAT

I just bought a seven hundred dollar camera to find out what's making those weird noises at night. Those raccoons are fucking dead!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Micah, I don't think you're taking my stories about being stalked by invisible poltergeist seriously.

MICAH SLOAT

Don't worry honey. I'm going to mount this camera to record everything we do in bed.

(beat)

For ghosthunting purposes. Definitely for ghosthunting purposes.

The pair film themselves COOKING DINNER, EATING DINNER, SWIMMING IN THE POOL, KNITTING A SWEATER, MAKING JEWELERY, PLAYING THE GUITAR, USING THE BATHROOM and WATCHING A MOVIE ON SILENT SO IT DOESN'T DROWN OUT THE EXPOSITION.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Jesus. Are we sure we don't want to film ourselves filling out out tax returns?

Later that night, A FAINT BANGING NOISE is heard. THE HORDES OF HELL ARE STALKING THE EARTH!!!

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 2)

CONSULTING PSYCHIC DR. MARK FREDRICHS stops by to bust their GHOST.

DR. MARK FREDRICHS

Hi there. Am I going to show the least bit of concern that you're constantly filming me?

MICAH SLOAT

Nope.

DR. MARK FREDRICHS

Awesome. Now the first thing to remember is that a lot of supposedly paranormal phenomena can be explained by mundane causes. An ominous creak in the night can simply be the house settling down, for example.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

All you're doing is stopping us from jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Are you sure you're a real psychic?

DR. MARK FREDRICHS

Of course I am. In fact I just scanned this house right now. The entity that's haunting you isn't a ghost but a demon. Demons are outside my expertise so instead of stringing you along for several sessions I'm going to pass you along to someone who knows what they're talking about and oh God I'm bad at this.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

How soon can we meet this demon specialist?

DR. MARK FREDRICHS

He's not in town at the moment. But until he gets back, I want you to avoid having any contact with this demon. I can not stress that enough. Do you both understand? Under no circumstances should you try to communicate with the demon.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 3)

MICAH SLOAT

I think we should try to communicate with the demon.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

But Micah, don't you remember what Dr. Fredrichs said? Isn't that supposed to be incredibly dangerous?

MICAH SLOAT

I'm a smug asshole in a horror movie. What could go wrong?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

But what about the demonologist? Aren't we going to wait until he gets here?

MICAH SLOAT

That's another thing. I'm not going to be calling that guy. I just can't take all this nonsense about a demon seriously.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

You mean the same demon you're trying to capture by filming yourself day and night?

MICAH SLOAT

That's the one!

MICAH and KATIE have another sleeping sequence.

THE DOOR

Don't mind me guys. I'm just going to hang ominously open, implying that you're vulnerable to whatever might be lurking in this house. Try not to contemplate how the inky blackness beyond my doorframe could be hiding almost anything. Just go riiiight on sleeping and don't have any nightmares at all.

THE DOOR suddenly swings a few inches to the right, and then a few inches to the left!

THE DOOR

Thank you! Thank you very much!

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 4)

MICAH reviews the footage from the previous night.

MICAH SLOAT

Katie, look at this! There's a moment where the door opens slightly, and then drifts back into place!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Oh my god! I don't believe it!

MICAH SLOAT

Yeah, spooky isn't it?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

No, I mean that was a ten second shot buried within seven hours of raw footage! There's no way you could have seen that on fast forward! How long have you been watching these tapes?

MICAH SLOAT

I'm not obsessed! You're obsessed! And I still have my job!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Well you got what you were looking for. Now what?

MICAH SLOAT

Now that I've got empirical evidence that the demon exists, I'm definitely going to antagonize it.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 13)

MICAH tries to talk to the DEMON with a microphone. Because all the DEMON really needs to communicate is a SLIGHT INCREASE IN VOLUME.

MICAH SLOAT

Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Micah do you really expect him to answer back?

MICAH SLOAT

Of course! I don't see why an entity obsessed with banging our chandeliers and slamming our doors won't be extremely cooperative.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Well can you at least stop filming me all the time?

MICAH SLOAT

I can't! Not when there's such important evidence being uncovered!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Evidence? Micah your "evidence" mostly consists of a door swinging back and forth. That wouldn't convince a Benghazi conspiracy theorist.

MICAH SLOAT

All the more reason to try to provoke a response!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Can we please just call the demonologist instead. For the past few weeks I've had nightmares where I'm subjected to horrific violence. Everyday I feel as if a soulless, heartless, incomprehensible spirit is drawing closer to me.

MICAH SLOAT

Would it help if I filmed you some more?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Fuck off Micah.

MICAH SLOAT

Okay, okay. Maybe I'll just settle for screaming at the empty air instead.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 15)

KATIE climbs out of bed and watches MICAH sleep.

POSSESSED KATIE

Don't worry guys, this is totally cool. I read about it in this vampire romance novel.

After two hours POSSESSED KATIE goes outside to sit on the swing.

POSSESSED KATIE

Now I shall sit outside in skimpy clothes and give my host hypothermia! Bwahahahaha oh God I need to rethink my life. I'm turning thirty centuries old next week, and I'm still relying on loud noises and door slamming. I'm not even sure what sitting outside is supposed to do. It's only scary if Micah comes down and finds me.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 16)

KATIE and MICAH review the previous night's footage. Because the only thing scarier than WATCHING TWO MORONS SLEEP is WATCHING TWO MORONS WATCHING TWO MORONS SLEEP.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Oh my God I was saying and doing things for hours at a time without being conscious of it. I clearly need to see a doctor or a specialist before I get hurt!

MICAH SLOAT

I agree with you. But instead of a so-called "specialist" I think we should consult a Ouija board!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

You mean that exact thing Dr. Fredrichs told us not to use? Absolutely not. Promise me you won't get one.

MICAH SLOAT

Okay, I promise. Ouija boards are off the table. Nix-ay consulting the emon-day. The only thing deader than Ouija boards is disco. The seas will dry up and the stars will burn out before I get a Ouija board.

GUESS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Micah, why?

MICAH SLOAT

Why did I get a Ouija board, or why did I make no effort hiding it from you?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

No, why did you think the whole "immediately doing what I promised not to do" would be interesting twice? We're not going to spend the entire movie with me telling you to reign it in and you immediately breaking your promises, are we?

MICAH SLOAT

Of course it won't honey. I promise.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Well, that's a relief.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (DAY 17? 19?)

Psychic DR FREDRICHS returns to the HOUSE.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Wait, why are you here? The last time you came specifically mentioned that there was nothing you could do.

DR MARK FREDRICHS

Because this movie could only afford three actors and we're going to use them dammit! Also, I wanted to try something. Micah, whatever you do, do not slam your penis in that doorframe.

MICAH SLOAT

Screw you it's my house!

(slams penis in doorframe)

Eeeeeeeeooooooooowwwww!

DR MARK FREDRICHS

Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, it turns out my presence has made the demon angrier than ever, so good luck! Just call me if you need any more consulting!

(leaves)

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Micah, what are we going to do? The demonologist isn't in town for three days. Dr. Fredrichs was our last desperate hope. I've never been so scared in my life.

MICAH SLOAT

Hey look what I found on the internet! It turns out there was another girl who was possessed just like you! She ended up burning down her house and killing herself! Isn't that interesting? Katie?

KATIE FEATHERSTON

We've got to do something about this demon!

MICAH SLOAT

Honey, I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think I've got the right answer.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

What?

MICAH SLOAT

Talcum powder!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

(stares blankly)

MICAH SLOAT

I'm going to sprinkle talcum powder outside our bedroom door. When the demon walks across it, it'll prove his existence! Again! And somehow this will convince him to leave!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Yeah, why not. It's obvious I don't have a choice here.

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (THE DAYS HAVE ALL BLED TOGETHER)

MICAH and KATIE wake up from a long night of DEMON DICKERY.

MICAH SLOAT

Katie, why are you hanging onto that crucifix? I'm going to throw it the fireplace. Burning all our holy artifacts is the best thing to do when there's a demon in the house!

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Let's go to a motel. Or anywhere. I don't feel safe here.

They pack their BAGS.

KATIE FEATHERSTON

Wait, now I'm acting all strange and out of character! Won't you spend the night here with me?

MICAH SLOAT

Well that sounds reasonable.

Later that night POSSESSED KATIE kills MICAH. The VERY LAST SHOT OF THE MOVIE has KATIE'S FACE suddenly turning into a DEMON and snarling.

POSSESSED KATIE

Did we just make the world's longest screamer video?

MICAH'S BODY WAS FOUND BY THE POLICE ON OCTOBER 11TH, 2006. KATIE LATER BROKE INTO HER SISTER'S HOUSE AND STOLE A BABY FOR SOME REASON. SHE THEN PUT THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION, STALKING HIM FOR YEARS BEFORE TEAMING UP WITH HIM TO SLAUGHTER A BUNCH OF SUBURBANITES, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE THE MASTER PLAN OF A SATANIC CULT THAT SPOUTED OMINOUS BUT INCREDIBLY VAGUE PROPHECIES'S WHEREABOUTS REMAIN UNKNOWN.

END