FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK SHOE STORE, 1952

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET is working at a shoe store for store owner-

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(flying past)

Prominent music journalist Larry “Ratso” Sloman!

Uh, sure, that guy.

LARRY SLOMAN

You’re an ace shoe salesman, Timothee! I want you to be a manager here.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Sure! If you first fund my one-week trip to London like we already discussed, I’ll come back and take the management position which will support my non-paying table tennis career! FUCK YOU, I WILL ROB THE STORE AT GUNPOINT RATHER THAN EVER TAKE THAT JOB, AND DID I MENTION FUCK YOU?

LARRY SLOMAN

Easy, kid. I want you to take a deep breath and then consider the fact that you’re a Josh Safdie protagonist, so you might, at any given moment, be making a colossally boneheaded decision.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Hey, those other guys were unrealistic and delusional, and does that sound like me, the most brilliant and talented genius in the world and future celebrity billionaire? I think you’ll find all my decisions are A++ platinum!

ODESSA A’ZION

(poking head in)

Say Timothee, want to go have unprotected sex at work with me, your married colleague?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

I don’t see a single reason why not!

They go and get PREGNANT.

INT. TIMOTHEE’S TABLE TENNIS TOURNAMENT

TIMOTHEE arrives at the TOURNAMENT in LONDON to find that his accommodations are UNACCEPTABLE.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

What is this, you expect the living god of table tennis to just crash at some fleabag hovel? You should obviously be paying for me to stay at the Ritz and dine every day on caviar-encrusted lobster and be carried to and from the stadium by a cohort of bikini models! Hmph!

(takes bags, leaves)

Well I guess I’ll just go do that and tell them at the front desk that you’ll foot the bill, I’m sure they’ll take my word for it.

TOURNAMENT OFFICIAL

You know, we are the people who can give you a lifetime ban from the whole tournament. Perhaps you shouldn’t be defrauding us?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

I’m sure it’ll work out! I always assume everything will work out.

He goes to a FANCY-SCHMANCY HOTEL, where he sees that GWYNETH PALTROW is staying.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Hi there! You may have heard of me, I used to be a very successful actress, but at some point I left my acting career behind to go be an out-of-touch rich weirdo instead.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

...Okay you know what, I’m not even gonna make a joke about fruit that low-hanging.

GWYNETH PALTROW

And here is my husband-

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(peeking out from underneath bellboy’s cap)

Evil businessman and Shark Tank panelist Kevin O’Leary!

GWYNETH PALTROW

Ew, really?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Kevin! The idea that I’d like to pitch to you is table tennis as the next national sport. You might think it’s a vaguely silly game for children, but if it’s played by professionals, it’s absolutely too fast to follow! What do you think?

KEVIN O’LEARY

Hard pass.

(handed note)

Oh, and it’s been requested that I remind the reader that I am “a talentless pile of poop that eats his own poop and is made of poop”.

EDITING ROOM AUTHOR ALEX W.

(gives thumbs-up)

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Well nuts! I’m sure I can win him round in the end, though. Maybe if I bust into his hotel room and fuck his wife?

GWYNETH PALTROW

You’re lucky my own decision-making skills are as spotty as yours.

(sleeps with Timothee)

INT. STADIUM

At the actual TOURNAMENT, TIMOTHEE rises through the ranks as it turns out he actually is as good as he’s been gloating, somewhat annoyingly. At last it comes down to the FINAL, which is between him and KOTO KAWAGUCHI.

KOTO KAWAGUCHI

Hello. I was deafened as a kid during the war, but now, using an unconventional technique and revolutionary custom paddle, I have risen from the ashes to become an unstoppable table tennis champion. God knows why this sports movie isn’t about me instead of this asshole.

He proceeds to ABSOLUTELY CREAM TIMOTHEE and WIN THE TOURNAMENT.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!! NO FAIR!! HAX HAX HAX!!

(snaps paddle over knee)

(starts throwing own feces)

He storms glumly back to AMERICA.

INT. VARIOUS SPORTS ARENAS

TIMOTHEE takes a demeaning job with the HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Yeah, I’ve been reduced to the halftime comedy act for a fake basketball team, which of all the things in this movie that’ll drive you to google “Wait was this part of the real story”, is one of the few that actually happened. Sorry if you wanted the shootouts to be real.

(grits teeth)

But at next year’s tournament in Tokyo, I will have my victory! I will raise the funds to get there, by any means necessary!

KEVIN O’LEARY

(arriving)

Well what about intentionally losing an exhibition rematch against Koto for me? The Japanese loved your big humiliating “THIS CANNOT BE I AM INVINCIBLE” routine, just do that again but on purpose.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Seriously, you expect me to swallow my pride and lose? That’s impossible, my pride is the size of a fucking diesel train! Fuck off.

(leaves)

But aside from that I-

(thinks, goes back to Kevin)

Sorry, “Fuck off” doesn’t feel like a big enough mistake for me to make. I should have said “Fuck off, that idea stinks more than the rotting corpse of your son who died in the war”. There, that oughta come back to bite me.

(leaves again)

INT. APARTMENT

After the GLOBETROTTER GIG is done, TIMOTHEE returns home to the apartment of his mother-

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(bursting out of a cupboard)

The Nanny’s Fran Drescher!

-FRAN DRESCHER, apparently.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

So yeah, aside from Kevin’s stupid exhibition match idea, I’ll do anything to earn the funds to get to Tokyo!

LARRY SLOMAN

(pokes head in)

Like work a managerial position at a shoe store? Which would surely net you a plane ticket in a year?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

NO!! Look what I really mean is I’ll do whatever it takes to raise the funds that’s short-sighted and insane.

ODESSA A’ZION

(also appearing)

Speaking of short-sighted mistakes: surprise, I’m pregnant with your baby!

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

WHUT?! No way man, that ain’t mine!

(pause)

I mean this is supposed to be another example of me being a dick, but honestly it’s not at all clear why you’re so sure it’s my baby. I mean you do have a husband, and judging from the way he’s not questioning your being eight-and-a-half months pregnant, I’m assuming you’ve been sleeping with him.

ODESSA A’ZION

I just figured, what are the odds of a thing in this movie not being the consequences of your shittiness?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Fair point. Anyway get lost, I’m gonna try to get the money by being a traveling table tennis hustler with my fellow player-

(sees Stunt Casting Fairy darting in the window and puts it in a headlock)

-WHO IS PLAYED BY A REGULAR OLD CHARACTER ACTOR WHOSE NAME IS-

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(bites Timothee and gets free)

Famed rapper Tyler, The Creator, HA!

INT. CRAPPY HOTEL

TIMOTHEE teams up with TYLER OKONMA and they go on the road, checking into an ABSOLUTE SHITHOLE of a HOTEL.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Ugh, this place is filthy! I’m gonna clean up with a nice bath. The hotel manager said not to use the bath, but surely not every teensy one of my bad decisions is going to lead to immediate and catastrophic-

The BATH collapses through the FLOOR and lands on the DOG of the DOWNSTAIRS GUEST, OH NO!!! And the GUEST HIMSELF I suppose.

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(dropping out of faucet)

Who is played by the director of Bad Lieutenant, Abel Ferrara!

Oh FUCK OFF NOT NOW, I need to see if this DOG IS OKAY!!

ABEL FERRARA

ARGH I am too hurt to take my dog to the vet, can you do it random strangers? Here, this giant fistful of cash should be enough.

(throws money at Timothee)

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Holy shit, the dude’s loaded! Obviously what we should do-

TYLER OKONMA

Is get this dog the care it needs, earning the gratitude of this wealthy dude who could potentially bankroll your Tokyo trip singlehandedly?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

DUDE, only stuff that’s SHORT-SIGHTED AND INSANE, remember? So let’s not get the crushed dog any help at all and instead go gamble with this guy’s money! No harm in betraying a guy like that, I can’t see how a mysterious man who’s staying in a shady dump while his suit is bursting at the seams with cash could be a dangerous person to cross.

TIMOTHEE and TYLER take the DOG with them to HUSTLE SOME LOSERS at TABLE TENNIS, and yeah, I’ll save you another google, turns out seedy underground TABLE TENNIS GAMBLING DENS were in fact another REAL THING THAT EXISTED.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

(driving away after hustling everybody)

Hey, we did it, we like quadrupled our money! Maybe for a change my crazy impulsive ways haven’t landed me the neck-deep in the shit!

EVERY SINGLE DRUNK, BURLY GUY THEY JUST HUSTLED

(passing by in a car)

Hey isn’t that those two players who just claimed not to know each other, high-fiving each other with fistfuls of our cash?

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Oh, uh, hey guys, what are the odds...? Man, this is more awkward than the Safdie household on the day the Oscar nominations were announced.

BENNIE SAFDIE

(fashioning noose)

Hey, I’m fine. My movie got a makeup nomination. I’m FINE.

(steps up onto chair)

The ANGRY DRUNK DUDES pile out of the CAR and go to KILL TIMOTHEE and TYLER.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Ulp! In that case my newest crazy impulse is EXPLOSIONS!!

He BLOWS UP A GAS STATION to waylay their PURSUERS and they SPEED OFF, but in the chaos the DOG is thrown out of the car and is futilely trying to chase after them through the smoke and the dust and-

INT. FRAN DRESCHER’S APARTMENT

ODESSA comes to TIMOTHEE and no wait seriously, what happened to the DOG?! IS THE DOG OKAY

ODESSA A’ZION

I’ve left my husband, Timothee! He gave me a black eye!

(yeah okay but what about the dog)

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Oh that SON OF A BITCH! I’m gonna go BEAT HIS BRAINS IN!

(goes and does so)

(but this does not answer the question about the dog)

ODESSA A’ZION

Ah... well that might make it awkward when it turns out I faked the black eye as a ploy to get you to take responsibility for me and my baby. Seems I also need to get a better decision-making process!

(the dog, people)

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Oops! That was probably a confusing encounter for your husband, then. Eh, he probably just assumed I did it for no logical reason, like all my other choices.

(but what-)

ABOUT THE DOG, WE GET IT, fine we will bring the narrative back around to the subject of the dog if it’ll make you happy!

(yay!)

EXT. FARMHOUSE

Returning to the blown-up GAS STATION, TIMOTHEE and ODESSA spot a nearby FARMHOUSE and decide to inquire THERE. Sure enough, they hear BARKING INSIDE and KNOCK, and the door is answered by-

THE STUNT CASTING FAIRY

(jumping out of the mailbox)

Popular magician Penn Jillette!

Okay WHAT. This is all such random shit, dude. Like WHAT is your process, I don’t get it.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Excuse me, sir, we’re hoping to turn that dog in for some kind of massive reward, so-

PENN JILLETTE

(pointing rifle)

For my next trick, I will make an obnoxious douchebag’s head disappear.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

(running away)

Well THAT just made things worse! New plan, we ransom the dog to Abel, and just try to fake him out with a different dog. Maybe he cares enough about the dog to pay thousands for him, but doesn’t remember what he looks like, it could work.

ODESSA A’ZION

(tries that)

Whoops that instantly failed and it turns out Abel’s a psychotic murderer and now he’s kidnapped me!!

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Well THAT just made things worse! New plan, I’ll trade you for information on where the dog is. Just arrange for the both of us and a crazy gun guy to be at the home of another crazy gun guy, see how that works out.

They TRY THIS and then ABEL and PENN FLIP OUT AND KILL EACH OTHER and ODESSA GETS SHOT and GOES INTO LABOR.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Well THAT just made things-

ODESSA A’ZION

STOP FUCKING DOING ANYTHING!!!

TIMOTHEE rushes ODESSA to the HOSPITAL, and like, now the DOG is trapped inside a house with a DEAD GUY who did NOT seem like the type who would be missed by anybody. Friends, this is NOT LOOKING GOOD.

INT. THEATRE

In a last-ditch effort to get the MONEY, TIMOTHEE tries to talk to GWYNETH.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

So I’m just some loudmouth narcissist who’s given you a couple of rolls in the hay, but could I possibly ask you to just give me a bunch of money?

GWYNETH PALTROW

Sure. Have a necklace worth thousands of dollars, I don’t care.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Yeah I suppose that was a long sh- wait, what? Oh wow, after all the other bullshit, that just worked? I’ve finally achieved my goal! Now I just have to not make another terrible decision and fuck it up.

(pause)

(starts to sweat)

Come on, Timothee. You can do it. Just... do nothing. Make zero mistakes for two minutes.

(pause)

(trembles)

LET’S IMMEDIATELY HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC!!

GWYNETH PALTROW

Yeah, okay!

They DO THIS but then COPS instantly materialize and have to be BRIBED INTO SILENCE with the NECKLACE.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK. Please, Gwyneth, let me try that again. Just give me one more super-expensive necklace. Then chloroform me before I try to swallow it or throw it at the mayor or some other idiotic thing.

GWYNETH PALTROW

(rolls eyes)

Fiiine, come with me.

(leads him back to her place)

I’ll grab that necklace. Just first let me check the notices on my triumphant return to acting. I’m sure the Screen Actors Guild at least will have some nice news for me, or maybe BAFTA...

(looks at nominations)

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Er wait maybe give me the necklace first before you-

GWYNETH PALTROW

ODESSA?! They went with the fucking attic chainsaw ghost instead of me? FUCK EVERYTHING!

(has breakdown, loses all interest in Timothee)

Defeated, TIMOTHEE goes to another part of the house for his absolute LAST-LAST-DITCH HOPE, begging KEVIN.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Say, sorry about the dead kid comment earlier. Any chance we could un-burn that bridge? I’m ready to swallow that pride now. Maybe I can unhinge my jaw.

KEVIN O’LEARY

It’s not that easy anymore. To make up for what you did, and because I truly am nearly as big of an asshole in this movie as I am in real life, you’re gonna have to let me spank you in public.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

C’mon dude, this is supposed to be a prestige movie. Do you really think they’ll give a movie a bunch of Oscar nominations if there’s a pivotal scene where the protagonist gets spanked by a rich old jerk?

KEVIN O’LEARY

That exact scene happened in Killers of the Flower Moon.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

...Oh man, you’re right. This isn’t becoming a trope, is it?

KEVIN spanks TIMOTHEE, and TIMOTHEE is finally allowed to go to TOKYO.

INT. TIMOTHEE’S TOKYO TABLE TENNIS TOURNAMENT

TIMOTHEE shows up at the TOURNAMENT hey now that I think of it, that FARMHOUSE was pretty close to the HIGHWAY, maybe somebody will spot the CORPSES and call the COPS and then they’ll find the DOG and get it to a better home than EITHER CRAZY ABEL or ANGRY PENN could have provided? It’s POSSIBLE.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Hooray, this so-called sports movie can finally get back to being about sports, as opposed to constant other bullshit! I’ve finally taken care of all the steps I needed to do in order to make this obsessive quest complete!

(goes to tournament officials)

Now where do I write my name down as a contestant in the international competition that’s starting today?

TOURNAMENT OFFICIAL

...DUDE. Like, HOW. This’d still be be a weird mistake if this was your first time, but you must have correctly applied for London last year! Did you just forget how? This is “At some point he had a stroke”-level decision-making!

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Wait, so - even after getting here, I’m not allowed to compete? But I assumed it would all work out! SURELY THAT HAS TO WORK EVENTUALLY!!

Gutted, he goes to do the EXHIBITION MATCH against KOTO. He sticks to the SCRIPT and LOSES.

KEVIN O’LEARY

Ha ha, how humiliating! But on the upside, you were able to put away your pride long enough to the smart thing for a change, thus overcoming your fatal flaw, which is truly a greater victory than you had hoped to-

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

(blowing his top)

NO NO NO, a Josh Safdie protagonist DOES NOT LEARN LESSONS, I’m putting my pride RIGHT back in the driver’s seat and demanding an IMMEDIATE RE-REMATCH, which is clearly confusing everybody and which they have no reason to agree to BUT BY GOD THEY’RE GONNA LET ME HAVE MY PATHETIC PITY WIN OR I’M GONNA BURN THIS WHOLE PLACE TO THE GROUND.

KOTO shrugs in uncomprehending agreement, then they go straight back to TABLE TENNIS! The ball goes BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH REALLY FAST for a few minutes, then TIMOTHEE’S TRIUMPHANT BODY LANGUAGE tells us that he WON APPARENTLY!

INT. HOSPITAL

TIMOTHEE has gone back to AMERICA, and goes to the HOSPITAL to see his newborn BABY.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

And now I will have a moment of genuine tender emotion, suggesting that after chasing shallow dreams of glory for so long, I have now found something more meaningful that I can care about.

(sheds tear)

Just don’t think too much about it, okay? Don’t contemplate what a maniac like me would actually be like with a baby, I mean JESUS.

DIRECTOR JOSH SAFDIE

And then I thought - like, I literally had this written into the screenplay at one point - the last scene could be set years later, where you run into Kevin and it turns out he’s a literal vampire and he kills you! Wouldn’t that be fun? Revisiting a couple characters at a concert decades later, one’s older but the other’s the same because he’s a vampire?

RYAN COOGLER

Are you for fucking real?!

DIRECTOR JOSH SAFDIE

Oh right. Maybe just forget that.

END, SERIOUSLY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN END, WHAT ABOUT THE DOG, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FUCKING DOG YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES