"They told me I couldn't build the world's largest bidet well WHO'S LAUGHING NOW???"


"They told me I couldn't build the world's largest bidet well WHO'S LAUGHING NOW???"

AQUAMAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A LIGHTHOUSE AKA THE FORTRESS OF FISHITUDE - 1985

A thunderstorm is testing the strength of TEMUERA MORRISON’s toupee when he discovers an unconscious NICOLE KIDMAN.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Ee gads! A pretty blonde woman has washed up from the ocean in a tacky sequin leotard! And she’s wounded! I had better not call an ambulance or the police and instead let her crash on my couch!

He DOES THIS.

NICOLE wakes up and immediately tries to KILL TEMUERA.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I had a terrible dream I was being attacked by a TV and OH FUCK A TV!!!!!

(murders the ever living shit out of Temuera’s TV)

Yeah so I’m the Queen of Atlantis and I’m engaged to some cuck who we never see or get his side of the story but trust me he’s a huge wanker. He thought Jared Leto was the best Joker.

TEMUERA MORRISON

TOTAL WANKER!

NICOLE KIDMAN

I know right? Fucking moron. So I ran away because I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Well in my culture if you stab a dude’s TV with a giant pitchfork you must have his baby.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Well in Atlantian culture if you make a woman a cup of tea she automatically falls in love with you so it works out both ways.

They waste no time making BABY JASON MOMOA.

TEMUERA MORRISON

So I guess Atlantis has forgotten all about you and found a new ruler by now?

NICOLE KIDMAN

I hope so. I mean can you imagine if they came looking for me and I chose to stay near the ocean right where I washed up instead of far far inland where my people couldn’t possibly--

INTERRUPTING EXPLOSION

BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are attacked by ATLANTIANS in, like, reverse diving suits full of water. It’s weird.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh you see regular Atlantians can’t breathe air like me because reasons so they wear Iron Man-ish water suits or they will suffocate. Here, let me show you.

(ruthlessly murders them)

So I gotta go back to Atlantis and have that other prick’s baby in order to keep little Jason safe. See ya!

(becomes a deadbeat mom)

INT. AQUARIUM - THE 90’S

YOUNG JASON is being harassed by some BULLIES when he uses his FISH POWERS to control a shark and scare them.

BULLIES

Fine. We’ll just wait until we’re back on the playground far far away from any dangerous sea life and beat your ass then.

YOUNG JASON

Fuck.

(gets ass beaten later that day)

INT. RUSSIAN SUB (WITH EXTRA RUSSIAN DRESSING) - PRESENT DAY

Pirate MICHAEL BEACH bonds with his adult son YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II by dropping some Russian seamen. Wait I meant SHOOT, SHOOT some Russian seamen. No that’s even worse.

They kill submariners, okay?

MICHAEL BEACH

(beaming with pride)

I am so proud of you son. Here, have this knife. It belonged to your grandfather who fought in WWII.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Yes, he would be so honored to know he risked his life so his son and grandson could murder innocent people for profit.

But their pirate party is crashed by JASON MAMOA who is shirtless for... Reasons.

JASON MOMOA

(smolders longingly at camera)

Permission to come aboard.

(flexes pecks)

WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

(fanning themselves profusely)

Permission granted!

JASON imagines those bullies from earlier as he kicks some pirate ASS.

MICHAEL gets himself trapped under a torpedo.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Please Aqua-Jason! Save my dad!

JASON MOMOA

You guys killed innocent people and tried to shoot my sexy face. Fuck yall.

JASON leaves MICHEL to die. YAHYA vows REVENGE!!!!!

INT. UNDERWATER WAKANDA ATLANTIS

Everyone can talk underwater... Somehow. It’s not the silliest thing in this movie. That would be the BATTLE SHARKS.

YES. BATTLE SHARKS. With saddles and armor. And if anyone scrolls down and says they were cool or it was their favorite part you're wrong, stop typing.

Anyway, Atlantis is currently being ruled by NICOLE’s other son and JASON’s half brother EMINEM.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh you mean me. I’m the Ocean Master, yes I’m the Ocean Master, all these other Ocean Masters are just imitating. So I’m the villain and I need to rally a bunch of other sea kingdoms to my cause of conquering the land dwellers which includes King Dolph Lundgren.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Mers mora mana mersh monga molla.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh for fucks sake-- WHO gave all the important political exposition to Dolph? He sounds like a blender full of rock candy on top of a cement mixer--

INTERRUPTING EXPLOSION

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

They are attacked by the Russian sub YAHYA captured but PATRICK easily destroys it. This persuades DOLPH to join PATRICK.

PATRICK WILSON

The fuck, Yahya?! When I pay for a false flag attack I expect something more on the scale of Benghazi, not Jussie Smollett!

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

It was Jason’s fault for damaging the sub!

PATRICK WILSON

Here, use this advanced Atlantis tech to kill Jason. I realize you are a stupid air breathing surface human so just read the manual and I’m sure you’ll be--

YAHYA figures out this totally unknown alien tech IN MILLISECONDS and rewires it all to make a cool ass BLACK MANTA suit in HALF A MILLISECOND and even has an extra MICROSECOND to repaint it.

PATRICK WILSON

--fine. Hmm. How did you do that so fast? This has to be the dumbest part of the movie.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Battle sharks.

PATRICK WILSON

Right, right. Battle sharks. Right.

Meanwhile...

INT. A BAR NEAR JASON’S LIGHTHOUSE

JASON is confronted by AMBER HEARD and her cartoonishly red hair.

JASON MOMOA

Who the hell are you supposed to be? Ariel’s granddaughter?

AMBER HEARD

Wait, you don’t remember me? We had like a 10 minute underwater conversation in Justice League.

JASON MOMOA

No one remembers that shit. Reintroduce yourself for all the new aroused females in the audience.

(looks into camera)

(winks)

WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

(bites lower lip)

AMBER HEARD

I’m Dolph’s daughter. My superpower is I can beat up old dudes and convince everyone I’m the victim.

JOHNNY DEPP

I can vouch for this.

AMBER HEARD

Jason, I need you to overthrow your half brother Patrick and become king of Atlantis.

JASON MOMOA

No.

PATRICK causes a tsunami that nearly kills TEMUERA.

JASON MOMOA

Ooooh I am going to overthrow the shit out of Patrick!

AMBER uses her underwater shrimp car to take JASON to ATLANTIS.

INT. ATLANTIS ON THE VEGAS STRIP

JASON meets with his childhood mentor WILLEM DAFOE.

WILLEM DAFOE

Hey wait a minute why didn’t I get some of that sweet de-aging CGI like Nicole and Temuera?

JASON MOMOA

Because you look just as ghoulish now as you did 20 years ago. Anyway, I’m here to fuck up Patrick so I can go home.

WILLEM DAFOE

You can’t beat Patrick unless you have the ancient trident which caused Atlantis to sink into the ocean.

JASON MOMOA

Wait, so Atlantians used to live on the surface? Then how did they evolve to breathe under water? I mean didn’t they all drown when Atlantis sunk? Why the hell did they build an advanced civilization under water instead of just finding a new place on the surface? How does this fit into Stargate continuity--

INTERRUPTING EXPLOSION

(with jazz hands)

IGNORE HIS QUESTIONS BLAMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

JASON is captured by PATRICK.

PATRICK WILSON

I blame you for my mom’s death since my dad had Nicole killed for giving birth to you.

JASON MOMOA

Then... Shouldn’t you blame your dad??

PATRICK WILSON

Hey, you’re right! Let’s end this sibling rivalry and rule Atlantis together!

JASON MOMOA

Really? That’s awesome I never thought--

PATRICK WILSON

I was kidding, stupid. I guess all your brains are in your tits. Prepare to die.

JASON MOMOA

Well I’m the hero so clearly I’m going to mop the floor with you, Slim Shady.

PATRICK WILSON

Look at the runtime.

JASON MOMOA

(realizes the movie is only halfway over)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

JASON gets his TIGHT LITTLE ASS KICKED. AMBER rescues him because... huh?

JASON MOMOA

Wait are we a thing? I thought you and Patrick were a couple?

AMBER HEARD

We were. And then I saw you shirtless. That’s literally my entire motivation for betraying my father, my fiancé, and risk being exiled from my home. All because of those luscious man-tittes of yours.

(bites the air)

(purrs)

JASON MOMOA

Hmm. Well then, I suppose we had better go chase down that magical trident. To Africa!

EXT. SAHARA DESERT

JASON and AMBER buy passage on a cargo plane with... pirate treasure? Again, NOT the dumbest thing in this movie.

Then JASON and AMBER jump out of the plane!

JASON MOMOA

Um, what exactly are the limits of our powers?

AMBER HEARD

We’re going to get punched in the face with explosions later so my guess is somewhere between “Kryptonian” and “that’s what the writer wrote fuck you”.

They go on a treasure hunt and do some INDIANA JONES... ING FOR EACH OTHER until...

Until...

AHEM!

INTERRUPTING EXPLOSION

(busy scrolling through her phone)

Yeah I’m a she. Actually I’m a transgender explosion. Inclusivity and all that. Anyway BROOM BA BOOM BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

JASON and AMBER are attacked by YAHYA who is wearing his D-LIST POWER RANGER VILLAIN SUIT.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

My helmet looks like one of the robots in Chopping Mall. And if you haven’t seen that movie shame on you, it has a great exploding head death, which I’m about to reenact on Jason!

They FIGHT! Meanwhile AMBER brutally abuses a guy. Then she arrives ON SET and fights some ATLANTIAN BADGUYS.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Taste my energy beams fucker!

JASON MOMOA

(is hit with a dozen explosions to the face)

(is stabbed and slashed multiple times)

(falls off a cliff)

(wins!)

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Hey that’s bullshit!

JASON MOMOA

It’s what the writer wrote!

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

(has his shit fucked all the way up)

INT. THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (WOW WE ARE JUMPING AHEAD AREN’T WE?)

JASON and AMBER fight off an entire army of rejected DEMOGORGON CONCEPT ART and arrive at ISLA NUBLAR.

IN THE CORE OF THE EARTH. With DINOSAURS AND SHIT.

Again, NOT THE DUMBEST THING.

AMBER is rescued by a woman in a fish suit.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I’m alive!

JASON MOMOA

Mom? Wow you look great!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah you BETTER say I look great or else shitlords are going to get butt hurt for making fun of a woman in her 50s.

JASON MOMOA

Only if they’re pregnant and don’t understand how menopause works.

The ancient trident is being guarded by a giant talking LEVIATHAN who we can assume is NON-BINARY.

LEVIATHAN

You are unworthy of the trident!

JASON MOMOA

Yes I am.

(smolders)

(blows them a kiss)

LEVIATHAN

Holy fuck you are sexy. Take the trident, and my phone number too! I mean I know we’re under water but I am so freaking wet!

EXT. ATLANTIS

There is a huge ass underwater battle going on that hundreds of animators spent hours, weeks, and months of their short lives on this earth rendering for our viewing pleasure only for assholes on the internet to dismiss their hard work as “meh”.

BATTLE SHARKS

Come on man! We're way cooler than the battle rhinos in that OTHER 2018 superhero movie about the king of an advanced hidden culture being usurped by the king's blood relative! Please love us!

NO. YOU STILL SUCK. FUCK YOU.

PATRICK WILSON

So Jason, I see your new trident is as big as mine. Let us fight right next to the huge spinning propellers of death.

JASON MOMOA

Dude, I’m wearing a metal yellow sweater and metal green sweatpants and somehow don’t look ridiculous while out-grossing Justice League. I even managed to court bigger portion of women than the “gurl power” superhero movie Captain Marvel. I’ve already won.

PATRICK WILSON

(bends the knee)

Hey at least my mom isn’t dead. I’m sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I’m cleaning out my tackle box!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Jason is my favorite, I’ll always love him more. I wish we had Planned Parenthood in Atlantis.

PATRICK WILSON

(cries himself into a nervous breakdown)

NICOLE KIDMAN

Gonna put that Mother of the Year Award right next to my Oscar. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go sit on Temuera’s face.

AMBER HEARD

So I guess that means Jason and I are going to hook up and get married!

JASON MOMOA

Erm... I’ve heard what you do to your husbands, so no, kindly fuck off please.

ELON MUSK

You dodged a bullet, trust me.

END

INT. POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

YAHYA is rescued and bandaged up by wacky conspiracy theorist RANDALL PARK.

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Bring me the head of JASON!!!!!!! Waaaaait a minute... did you make me a cup of tea?

RANDALL PARK

That depends... did you smash my TV?

They fall in love and make a baby.

END

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