FADE IN:

EXT. NOT WHITE SUBURBIA? WHAT THE HELL?

Teenagers ANDREW JACOBS and JORGE DIAZ dick around with a camera.

ANDREW JACOBS

You mean this Paranormal Activity movie isn't going to follow an upper-middle class white family in the suburbs? Has the world gone mad?

JORGE DIAZ

Man, who cares about that? Check out my new video camera.

PEDESTRIANS

Hey, are you assholes filming us? Put that thing down!

(gives chase)

JORGE DIAZ

(fleeing)

Aaaaah! I don't understand! This is Paranormal Activity! Everyone's supposed to be okay with being filmed all the time! What the hell is going on?

INT. ANDREW'S APARTMENT COMPLEX

ANDREW and JORGE hear strange noises from the GLORIA SANDOVAL'S APARTMENT.

JORGE DIAZ

Hey! Let's lower the video camera down the ventilation so we can find out what those noises are!

ANDREW JACOBS

Okay. But remember, if we can easily hear her, that means she can easily hear-

JORGE DIAZ

(yelling)

WHAT'S THAT ANDREW?? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! I'M TOO BUSY ORGASMING OVER THE SIGHT OF A NAKED LADY!!

ANDREW JACOBS

STOP! SCREAMING!

JORGE DIAZ

AND NOW I'M TOO BUSY FILMING YOU FILMING GLORIA!! WHY AM I DOING THAT??

ANDREW and JORGE decide to lure GLORIA out of her apartment with a FIREWORK.

JORGE DIAZ

I'm filming this too? Ah, the characters and setting may differ, but some things never change.

ANDREW JACOBS

The firework doesn't seem to be starting. Let me just put my face two inches above it and-

ANDREW'S classmate CARLOS PRATTS bursts out of the APARTMENT and flees, distracting ANDREW from his JACKASSERY.

INT. ANDREW'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - A FEW DAYS LATER

JORGE DIAZ

Hey, remember how Gloria was found murdered the same night we saw Carlos sneaking out of her apartment? Well now the police think he might have killed her! Pretty trippy huh?

ANDREW JACOBS

Holy shit we have video evidence that our friend committed murder? We have to turn this over to the police!

JORGE DIAZ

Calm down man! I'm sure there's an innocent explanation for all this. Carlos was probably just out for a walk. At three a.m. Through our neighbors' apartment. While she was being murdered.

ANDREW JACOBS

(relaxing)

Yeah, he must have passed the murderer while he was taking a leak. One thing's for sure though. We have definitely got to go investigate Gloria's apartment. Maybe we can find some clues!

JORGE DIAZ

What, break into a crime scene and start tampering with the evidence? Isn't that going to look just a little bit suspicious?

ANDREW JACOBS

Relax, I've heard the police in California are exceptionally friendly towards minorities.

They poke through GLORIA'S CREEPY POSSESSIONS.

ANDREW JACOBS

Hey, I found a box of tapes from "Paranormal Activity 3". Maybe we could get some answers to one of the franchise's many unsolved questions.

BEAT.

Both BOYS collapse into PEALS OF LAUGHTER.

JORGE DIAZ

(wiping tears from eyes)

Ha ha ha. Oh Andrew, that was a good one. Andrew? Andrew where did you go? Andrew? Andrew? I ask because no teenager calling out for their friend in a dark and abandoned area ever gets ambushed in a horror movie.

(thinks)

Maybe if I put the camera right up to this bead curtain. I'm sure nothing will jump out at-

JUMP SCARE

Boo!

NOBODY WHO'S EVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE

AAAAAAAHHHH!

ANDREW JACOBS

(laughing)

Relax Jorge, it's only me.

JORGE DIAZ

Ugh, five movies in and we're still dicking around with open doorways.

THE DOOR

Hey, these are the only acting gigs I can get, okay?

The next day, ANDREW wakes to find BITE MARKS on his arm.

ANDREW JACOBS

Aha! This must be why this movie is called "The Marked Ones".

JORGE DIAZ

No, it's because it's too depressing to admit we're up to "Paranormal Activity 5".

ANDREW JACOBS

Maybe it's a sign I'm possessed! My chihuahua is now scared of me!

JORGE DIAZ

That would be more impressive if chihuahuas weren't scared of leaf blowers.

ANDREW and JORGE are accosted by two THUGS at a VENDING MACHINE.

JORGE DIAZ

Don't cooperate with any of their demands Andrew! I'll calm them down by continuing to film them!

ANDREW JACOBS

Raaarggh!

(punches Thug several meters)

JORGE DIAZ

Holy crap! You just displayed super strength! Andrew, are you sure you're not really possessed?

ANDREW JACOBS

Don't be silly Jorge. Now, watch how I can defy gravity!

(falls over backwards)

(stops several feet from the floor)

JORGE DIAZ

Okay stop. Do you seriously expect me to believe that you break physics and still not think something is wrong?

ANDREW JACOBS

Did you say something Jorge? I was too busy using my x-ray vision to peer into the girls' locker room.

JORGE DIAZ

(sighs)

If we're not going to investigate this any further, do want to go pick up some chicks?

ANDREW JACOBS

(bench pressing truck)

Sounds good.

ANDREW and JORGE gatecrash a HOUSE PARTY.

ANDREW JACOBS

(sexily)

Hey baby. My downstairs neighbor was brutally murdered. Want to break into her still blood-splattered apartment and have sex?

PARTY GIRL #1

...

PARTY GIRL #2

Boy do I! A forensic investigation is the best place to spill your bodily fluids!

The BOYS take the GIRLS back to GLORIA'S APARTMENT.

PARTY GIRL #1

It's been really quiet for the last thirty seconds. I'd say the movie's preparing for a-

JUMP SCARE

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!

PARTY GIRL #1

Yep.

(flees)

The BOYS do another search of the APARTMENT.

ANDREW JACOBS

Hmmm. There was a big build-up to me pulling back this shower curtain, but nobody was there. That means when I turn around-

JUMP SCARE

OOGA BOO-

ANDREW JACOBS

You know, if you give away your presence half a minute before jumping out, do you still count as a jump scare? I suppose "Slowly Walk Up In Front Of You And Shout Boo Scare" doesn't have the same ring to it.

CARLOS PRATTS

Quiet. I have been completely possessed by a ferocious demon. Despite this, I still seem to be in control of my faculties and I'm willingly sharing useful information. I killed Gloria because she was a witch. She marked us both down for demonic possession.

ANDREW JACOBS

Crap. What's the cure?

CARLOS PRATTS

Cure? There is no cure. We have to kill ourselves before we kill someone else.

ANDREW JACOBS

Really? But aside from that evil witch, you haven't hurt any-

CARLOS PRATTS

Can't talk! Committing suicide!

(jumps off building)

JORGE DIAZ

Damn. What should we do now?

ANDREW JACOBS

Let's ask my electronic Simon game!

JORGE DIAZ

...what.

ANDREW JACOBS

Did I forget to mention? My old Simon game is possessed by the demon that lives inside me. Presumably Monopoly would have been too ridiculous.

JORGE DIAZ

...okay.

They spend the next few days looking at ENDLESS CONTINUITY NODS to the previous PARANORMAL ACTIVITY MOVIES.

ANDREW JACOBS

This should be fascinating to anyone who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the last four films and loves being reminded of the fact.

JORGE DIAZ

Andrew, I'm worried about you. Lately, you've been acting really aggressive and douchey.

ANDREW JACOBS

Um, one of my first scenes was letting off fireworks at 3 a.m. so I could break into an impoverished old woman's home. Was I really less evil before I became possessed?

JORGE DIAZ

Maybe not, but we should still do something!

ANDREW JACOBS

Do you want to explore Gloria's creepy apartment for the hundredth-

JORGE DIAZ

No!

GABRIELLE WALSH

Hey I've been part of this movie from the start, but I only factor into the plot just now. How about we give Andrew an exorcism?

They try to exorcise ANDREW after he levitates his DOG but he escapes.

JORGE DIAZ

Telekinesis, levitation, found footage, teenagers turning evil...Did we just make "Chronicle 2"?

GABRIELLE WALSH

(grimly)

We're not that lucky. But I know where he might have gone. Surprise, surprise, it's another Continuity Nod!

JORGE DIAZ

They'll probably be witches waiting for us. Let's bring Carlos's brother, Richard. He's part of a gang and can bring some serious firepower!

GABRIELLE WALSH

All-out war between vengeance-seeking gangs and demonic witches? We really should have led with that.

They arrive at THE HOUSE FROM "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3" and start shooting WITCHES.

RICHARD CABRAL

Yeah! Get som-

(killed off-screen)

GABRIELLE WALSH

Well, that build-up was totally point-

(killed off-screen)

JORGE DIAZ

Andrew? Andrew? I know you're standing silently in the middle of a dark corridor with your back turned, but you're not going to turn around and scare me are you? Andrew?

JUMP SCARE

Oh for FUCK'S sake. What the hell do I have do to get you to recognize me? I could walk in front of a brass band and you still wouldn't see me coming! You can't recognize jump scares? Fine. EVERYTHING in the rest of the movie will be jump scares!

JORGE walks into a room, something jumps at him, and then he finds another room. RINSE, REPEAT.

JORGE DIAZ

Essentially this climax is just a haunted house ride.

Eventually JORGE runs through a DOOR with MYSTICAL SYMBOLS on it...

INT. KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE (NIGHT 21)

...and ends up TRAVELING BACK IN TIME to KATIE AND MICAH'S HOUSE on the last night of "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 1". Wait, what? WHAT?

THE SHARK

(thoroughly jumped)

JORGE DIAZ

WOW. Just...wow. There's lazy writing, and then there's literally lifting your characters out of the narrative and jamming them into a better movie. Was green-screening us into "The Conjuring" too cheap?

MICAH SLOAT

Oh my God! The creature Katie and I were screaming about in the first movie wasn't some horrifying monster that couldn't be committed to film, but a goofy, scared teenager!

(dies of embarrassment)

JORGE DIAZ

You know, there's probably someone on the internet who could explain why the witches built a door to 2006. But I don't care. Even if this makes sense, it still reduces the climax into a glorified cameo appearance. And out of all the characters in the franchise, why on Earth would you want to see Micah again?

(killed off-screen)

POSSESSED KATIE

And now, with all the characters who weren't possessed gruesomely killed, I shall slip out of the house and into the darkness. Just like I did in the first movie! And like I did in the second movie. And the fourth movie. Actually, fuck it.

KATIE tries various doors in the hopes of ending up in "CHRONICLE 2".

END