FADE IN:

INT. OLD, ISOLATED HOUSE

RON LIVINGSTON and LILI TAYLOR move in with their five daughters and OBLIGATORY HORROR-MOVIE DOG. The dog DIES.

RON LIVINGSTON

Phew, I was worried we'd have to sit through a whole film of barking and animal adoption propaganda. I sat through two hours of Pacific Rim waiting for the ugly pug-thing to get crushed by a robot and it LIVED. Not this movie, we're not afraid to kill off characters!

NO ONE ELSE dies.

Daughters JOEY KING and HAYLEY MCFARLAND play games while daughter SHANELY CASWELL gripes a lot.

HAYLEY MCFARLAND

Daddy, we found a hidden door to a creepy dark cellar.

RON LIVINGSTON

Okay, get me our flashlight.

(pause)

Wait, get me some matches instead. A flashlight might set my hands or the house on fire and won't provide nearly as much light as good strong matches.

RON and LILI investigate the CREEPY CELLAR STUFF.

LILI TAYLOR

I found a book bound in human skin like a face.

RON LIVINGSTON

I found the diary of a tortured girl who writes in Latin.

LILI TAYLOR

I found a puzzle cube!

RON LIVINGSTON

Over here, some evil Super-8 film rolls!

LILI TAYLOR

Hey, a Norse God's lost hammer!

RON LIVINGSTON

No, no... let's play with this SOCCER BALL!

UNDERGROUND FACILITY MANAGERS

They've chosen POSSESSING ANGRY SATANIST GHOST! Which means the Maintenance Crew wins this year's betting pool.

CREEPY STUFF happens.

KYLA DEAVER

Mommy, I've made friends with a guy who lives in a music box!

MACKENZIE FOY

Mommy, I had a terrible dream I was engaged to a sexy werewolf!

SHANELY CASWELL

Dad, Joey's doing her Dobby impression and banging her head against the wall. Or maybe that's Mackenzie. I can't tell all these kids apart.

HAYLEY MCFARLAND

I'm the one who tells fart jokes! Fart fart fart!

The GHOST does more CREEPY THINGS, like cheating at HIDE-AND-SEEK. SHANELY gets attacked by a FLYING SQUIRREL GIRL.

RON LIVINGSTON

That does it, this house is clearly haunted! We're leaving!

LILI TAYLOR

No we're not, we're staying and watching TV. I'll get some ghost hunters.

INT. LECTURE HALL

Ghost hunters VERA FARMIGA and PATRICK WILSON are teaching a college class on PARANORMAL ACTIVITY RIP-OFFS.

VERA FARMIGA

Here are some videos from our experiences. Don't mind that we stop playing them right after each one gets interesting.

PATRICK WILSON

See how hip and meta we are, as demonstrated by how we take apart the clichés we're going to use, making it very clever when we use them.

LILI TAYLOR

But a ghost in MY house is defying those clichés by popping out exactly one second after everyone expects them to!

VERA FARMIGA

We'll help you! After a scene with our daughter.

LILI TAYLOR

ANOTHER little girl? I can't keep my own girls straight. We really need more?

INT. THE HOUSE

VERA and PATRICK investigate. VERA has VISIONS because she has SUPERPOWERS. No, really.

VERA FARMIGA

Oh my God... there are GHOSTS in this house! I'm so scared! Aaaah!

RON LIVINGSTON

Aren't... aren't you used to this stuff?

PATRICK WILSON

We did a quick search on Goog- I mean, through extensive records, and traced each scary scene so far back to its very own murder case, fulfilling our backstory quota early.

VERA FARMIGA

Yes, this house has a huge number of ghosts in it. The first one was a Satan-Worshipping Child-Killing Fascist Jewish Portuguese Lesbian, and she kills everyone who lives on her land.

PATRICK WILSON

But leaving the house won't help, because this ONE ghost has latched onto your family. So stay on the cursed land with hoards of angry ghosts, because it won't make a difference.

LILI TAYLOR

What should we do?

VERA FARMIGA

Usually we just have a priest bless the place and everything's fine. Are your children Baptized? Are you religious?

LILI TAYLOR

Well, no...

VERA FARMIGA

Then the Catholic Church doesn't give a shit about you unwashed heathens. Stinky filthy Christ-killers.

PATRICK WILSON

We need to set up Jesus statues around your house!

Everyone in the AUDIENCE realizes they must turn to JESUS for SAFETY FROM DEMONS, so they CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY FOR LIFE, thanks to this movie's powerful message.

PATRICK WILSON

The crucifixes should provoke a reaction, since the ghost will be scared of them. Unless it's an atheist or agnostic ghost, in which case it'll politely avoid offending us and ignore them.

VERA FARMIGA

I have realized... Something terrible is in your CELLAR!

RON LIVINGSTON

You knew that from your superpowers?

VERA FARMIGA

What? No. It's ALWAYS the cellar. Have you ever seen a haunted living room?

RON LIVINGSTON

But there's also the giant tree out back, the eerie upper-floor windows, and the creepy lake. You don't know which cliché it'll be!

Today we're ALL WINNERS so it's ALL OF THEM. VERA has a vision of her DAUGHTER as a MERMAID.

VERA FARMIGA

Patrick, our daughter's in danger! If only she'd stop wandering into the unlocked room where we keep all our cursed stuff!

The GHOST throws a CHAIR at VERA'S DAUGHTER, then gives up on her, so the subplot vanishes. VERA is shown more clues.

VERA FARMIGA

I learned that the ghost possesses mothers and makes them murder their own children.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh no! We'd better get Lili away from her kids before she becomes possessed!

VERA FARMIGA

Nah, let's leave her unguarded with her girls, I think she won't- OH NO SHE'S KIDNAPPED THEM AND IS TRYING TO GIVE THEM A REALLY SHORT HAIRCUT!

VERA and PATRICK rush to rescue the girls, only to find SOME OTHER CHARACTERS already did that.

VERA FARMIGA

Quick, tie the all-powerful spirit to a chair and put a blanket over her head!

PATRICK WILSON

Yes, that'll stop her. I must perform an exorcism. Vera, you have to leave! It's dangerous for you to be here!

VERA FARMIGA

Why?

PATRICK WILSON

Because last time you were at an exorcism the something somethinged you with something!

VERA FARMIGA

...What?

PATRICK WILSON

I don't know! But something might something again!

VERA FARMIGA

No! God told me something about something somethinging some other thing with something now get to work. We're going to top "The Exorcist" here!

PATRICK WILSON

Top "The Exorcist?" But that's The Scariest Movie of All Time!

VERA FARMIGA

Oh, come on. Today's generation thinks "The Exorcist" is stupid. It's DATED. It's NOT SCARY ANYMORE. Night of the Living Dead is scarier. Get over it.

PATRICK WILSON

But... people were FAINTING and VOMITING in theaters when it came out!

VERA FARMIGA

Dude, people were also fainting and vomiting during the Twilight 4 birthing scene. Hurry up and do your Christ stuff.

PATRICK spits out some Latin phrases from Google Translate and throws HOLY WATER at LILI. He has performed an EXORCISM.

TOKEN MINORITY

Little Girl #3 is missing! I must run around looking for her without turning on any lights!

He finds her in the crawlspace, so he BASHES THE FLOOR OVER HER with a club.

TOKEN MINORITY

Quit flinching! Or I might crush your head!

The girl is suddenly removed by the FILM EDITOR.

RON LIVINGSTON

Guys, I love the classic low-budget scares we've been using, but the special effects team wants their paycheck now. Could we CGI hundreds of angry birds into the background for an ornithologist-wet-dream ambiance?

VERA FARMIGA

The Exorcism isn't working! Lili! Remember that day at the beach you mentioned earlier?

LILI TAYLOR

(gasp)

Yes! I'm cured!

Realizing that JESUS turned out to be USELESS compared to BEACH MEMORIES, the newly converted AUDIENCE reverts back to their EVIL DEVIL-BONING CHRIST-CHEWING ways of heathenism.

PATRICK WILSON

All is well. Let's have a group hug on the angry ghost's front yard just to give her the finger.

VERA FARMIGA

Yeah. Except we all know the typical ending pop-out surprise is coming.

Everyone hugs while KITTENS AND BUNNIES play at their ankles and the GODDAMN DOG stays DEAD, THANK THE LORD.

VERA and her USELESS HUSBAND go to their Room of Cursed Objects.

VERA FARMIGA

Any moment now... There's no point for the movie to keep going if something's not going to-

PATRICK WILSON

(Amityville Horror reference)

TEXT EPILOGUE

God is real, everyone!

VERA FARMIGA

...Never mind.

(pause)

What the hell was actually conjured?

END