FADE IN:

EXT. GENERIC POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND

DYLAN O’BRIEN and a team of REBELS are chasing a PRISON TRAIN.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Okay everybody, the captured immune kids are being transported on that train, so-

ROSA SALAZAR

(looking around)

Wait - what the fuck is this? Is this a Maze Runner movie? They’re actually still making these things?!?

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Well yeah. We left on a cliffhanger, remember? We still need to do the thrilling conclusion.

ROSA SALAZAR

I’ll be honest, I totally assumed we abandoned ship like the Divergent movies.

DYLAN O’BRIEN

(sighs)

Look, we were held up for a year or two by my head injury, and then I had to do that terrible Vince Flynn movie, but now we’re back and it’s finally time to get back to... uhhhhhh...

(hastily checks IMDb synopsis for The Scorch Trials)

Having our ramshackle guerilla hobos attack Patricia Clarkson’s heavily-fortified base of operations?! God, is that really where we left things? What a dumb, dumb idea. Let’s just pretend that was never the plan and instead focus on rescuing our kidnapped friend Ki Hong Lee!

ROSA SALAZAR

And the other fifty or so captured kids, right?

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Eh, if we have time.

After a lengthy and convoluted fight with the FUCKTON OF ARMED GUARDS on the TRAIN, they manage to UNCOUPLE THE PRISON CARRIAGE and bring it to a STOP. Then a bunch more of their GUYS pop out of the GROUND, like TEN FEET AWAY!

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Here we are to break into that train! We could have just come with you in an additional car, but instead we came here a while ago - presumably IN a car - and buried ourselves in the ground for a few hours, for no tactical reason whatsoever.

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Good thing our high-octane life-and-death struggle atop the train caused it to stop EXACTLY next to you guys, even though that was clearly not even slightly within our control.

They manage to AIRLIFT THE TRAIN back to their BASE, but then it turns out that LEE wasn’t on it.

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Aw fuck! Well I guess we gotta infiltrate Patricia’s city fortress after all, to rescue Lee from-

BARRY PEPPER

Hold on, just how much of this climactic final movie is going to be dedicated to saving a single secondary character that the audience only vaguely remembers?

DYLAN O’BRIEN

The entire first two acts, and part of the third.

BARRY PEPPER

Holy shit. This is even worse than the Peeta-fest from Mockingjay Part One.

DYLAN O’BRIEN

(sighs)

Look, this is just what happens with YA novel trilogies. You start out strong with a punchy first novel with a clear premise like teens getting murdered in a death maze, or teens murder each other on a reality show, or society is segregated into factions (also teens get murdered). But then the author has to try and make up something else to fill up the other two books, and soon enough they’re just rambling and killing characters off willy-nilly without any clear structure or momentum or endgame.

BARRY PEPPER

Well then our rebel group can help you storm Patricia’s base, and overthrow her tyrannical-

DYLAN O’BRIEN

FUCKING HELL NO, ALL THESE FUCKING FRANCHISES DEFAULT TO GRIMDARK REBELS VS EMPIRE BULLSHIT IT IS THE SINGLE MOST BORING THING WE COULD DO. Me and Thomas and Dexter Darden will go by ourselves, this Saving Private Lee storyline might be baffling but at least it’s different.

BARRY PEPPER

Fine, you go do that, the rest of us will sail away to a beach paradise where we’ll be out of the grasp of Patricia’s attack helicopters forever and we can live happily ever after. Come to think of it, why didn’t we do that ages ago?

EXT. TUNNEL

On the road to the WCKD base, DYLAN, DEXTER and THOMAS come to a TUNNEL.

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Gee, sure is convenient that when civilization collapsed and this tunnel became filled with abandoned cars, the cars were abandoned at nicely-spaced-out intervals which allow us to comfortably drive through still.

Then ZOMBIES ATTACK and they FLIP THEIR CAR and have to RUN AWAY!

DEXTER DARDEN

Shit, now we have to run for our lives from this horde of zombies through a dark, confined ruin! This is so tense and not at all the exact same scene as the mall scene from the last movie!

But then they get RESCUED by ROSA and GIANCARLO ESPOSITO in a JEEP!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Well, you’re rescued. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll recede back into irrelevance until the next time somebody needs to be picked up in a vehicle, because that’s the only thing they use me for the whole movie.

(sighs)

Remember how I got my own backstory and characterization last time? Those were the days.

EXT. WCKD CITY

DYLAN and his slowly-growing ENTOURAGE arrive outside the gates of PATRICIA'S WALLED CITY, where a crowd of SCRAGGLY REFUGEES are banging at the door.

MASKED BOY

Don't even think about getting in there guys, the bouncers are real assholes. They got machine-gun turrets and everything, it's bullshit.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Yeah, we saw the way everybody clustered in front of the death turrets screaming about how incited to insurrection they were. Not the smartest bunch of... wait.

(squints)

Your freaky scrunched-up eyebrows are so familiar... no way. No FUCKING way.

The boy lowers his mask to reveal WILL POULTER.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(stares)

(brain snaps)

DAFUUUUUQ?!? No! NO, FUCK THAT! You are SUPER DEAD! You got infected with an incurable disease then had a spear hurled through your heart and were left lying alone in an abandoned lab! What POSSIBLE explanation could we pull out of our asses to justify this, huh? Come on. How are we claiming you survived. I'm sure this is going to be Class-A bullshit, but hit me with it.

WILL POULTER

(actual explanation)

I just did.

(no seriously they don't even bother to explain I mean holy fuck what kind of lazy-ass kindergarten-level writing is this)

DYLAN O'BRIEN

UGH. Forget it, just take us to your rebel leader. I'm assuming you have one, with how thick on the ground they are in YA dystopian fiction.

WILL takes them to REBEL LEADER WALTON GOGGINS.

WALTON GOGGINS

As you can see, I'm at an advanced stage of infection. Half my face is rotted off, making me look gaunt, skeletal and freakish, which ironically means I look more Walton Goggins-y than ever.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

You need that anti-infection serum WCKD has. Show us where your secret entrance into the city is and we'll bring you back a supply! I mean, the fact that you're not currently trying to chew our faces off means that clearly you already HAVE a supply, but let's act like you don't?

WALTON GOGGINS

Get that serum I need to survive? Make actual use of the fact that we can get into the city?! Wow, it would never have occurred to us to do these things! Our rebel group was just gonna keep sitting here with our thumbs up our asses, getting shot by turrets. Your plan is WAY better, go do that!

WILL POULTER

I will come too, as I'm a nice guy now. The fact that we've thrown out my entire characterization makes it even dumber that they brought me back in the first place.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Meanwhile this plan is good for me too, since I'm infected now and also need the serum.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Wait, when did that happen? I could swear you weren't bitten in the tunnel.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Oh I wasn't, the infection can just happen for no reason now. The writers have absolutely stopped trying here.

EXT. WCKD LBRTRY - SORRY, I MEAN LABORATORY

DYLAN, WILL and THOMAS have snuck into the CITY and are figuring out how to gain access to the HEAVILY-GUARDED WCKD LAB.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Oh I know, let's get help from our old friend Kaya Scodelario, who I'm sure didn't really mean to betray us last movie and is just a sweetheart deep down.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Aw geez, do we really need to bring back that paperweight masquerading as a character? I thought when she turned traitor and left that was a good excuse to permanently ditch her.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

You don't understand, they're trying really really hard to make her an interesting character this time! She's got all this remorse now, and conflicted loyalties, and a desperate hope that she can redeem herself through her work-

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

I appreciate the effort, but after the first two movies she's coated in so much residual apathy that she could turn into the entire cast of Breaking Bad and she'd still be boring. But if the plot needs her then fine, bring her in.

They ABDUCT KAYA.

KAYA SCODELARIO

All right, I'll help you guys. Oh I feel so much guilt and fear and sadness and hope right now! See, Thomas? Even my acting has scooched past high school drama club level!

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

NOBODY CARES, LET'S GO

They get into the BUILDING and get the SERUM and rescue LEE, as well as rescuing the remaining IMMUNE KIDS (you know, while they're in the neighborhood).

KI HONG LEE

Okay, I'm rescued. So what the hell are we gonna do for the rest of the movie?

DYLAN O'BRIEN

I dunno. We'll think of something. For now, let's have all the characters run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

KI HONG LEE

No problem. Commencing clusterfuck of semi-random action in three, two-

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CITY WALLS

WALTON GOGGINS

(using periscope)

What the fuck is going on in there?

REBEL

Pardon, sir?

WALTON GOGGINS

It's just kind of all over the place. Guards showed up and Kaya told the others to save themselves, but then Rosa appeared in a school bus and took the kids while the others went back for Kaya, but then a million cops swarmed the school bus so Dexter had to pick it up with a crane-

REBEL

Dexter's in a crane now? When did that happen?

WALTON GOGGINS

I have no fucking idea. They SEEM to be implying the whole thing was planned and Rosa knew in advance at what specific intersection they'd get blocked on all sides by cops, but that doesn't make a lick of - oh whoops, now the crane dropped the bus onto the ground from a great height.

REBEL

Oh shit! Is there a chance anybody survived?

WALTON GOGGINS

They are all completely unharmed.

REBEL

That's dumb. What's Dylan up to now?

WALTON GOGGINS

(checks)

He and Thomas and Lee just jumped out of a skyscraper window. They are ALSO completely unharmed. Although they landed right near some guards, so that's gonna be - oh never mind, one of the guards was Will in disguise and he shot the other one.

REBEL

When and why did Will start impersonating a random guard?

WALTON GOGGINS

I don't know! You know what, fuck this, let's just go in there and blow everything up.

REBEL

What? Just a couple of hours ago your plan was to get serum for your condition, when did that idea go out the window?

WALTON GOGGINS

Aren't you paying attention? This movie has officially abandoned such petty concerns as a coherent flow of events. So come on, let's blow those city doors open with an explosion that I'll put myself in the middle of for no apparent reason!

WALTON blows up the DOOR and HIMSELF, and then all the REBELS pour in and start AIMLESSLY WRECKING SHIT.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Geez this movie is falling apart. I'd better be careful not to add on yet ANOTHER thing to the pile of stuff all happening at the same time OH NO MY INFECTION IS STARTING TO BRRRAAAIIINNNSSS

(tries to eat everybody)

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Shit, we need a dose of the serum to fix Thomas! Fortunately there's three of us here, so I can send both Will AND Lee to retrieve a thing which can be carried by one person in one hand, leaving just me to subdue a guy turning into a flesh-eating zombie.

WILL and LEE run off, while ADORABLE LITTLE RAGAMUFFIN THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER makes a game attempt to terrify the audience with his HOMICIDAL MANIA.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

GRRRRAAAAAAHHHH HHSSSSSSSS

(rational)

Oh wait I'm lucid again! False alarm everybo

(enraged)

UUUURRGGHHH RRAAAAHHHH

(back to normal)

No wait, looks like we're just trying to generate a bit more tension by

(slavering)

BLOOOOORGGHHH GGNNNGGNNNGNN

(coherent)

Honestly this is just getting tedious

(deranged)

ARRRRRRRRRR

(stabbed)

Urk! No... Dylan!

DYLAN O’BRIEN

Thomas!

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

(goes gentle into that good night)

Then KAYA'S VOICE comes over the PA SYSTEM.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Dylan, good news, I've finally figured out something halfway climactic to build the rest of the climax around!

DYLAN O'BRIEN

It's not going to be something contrived, is it? I mean, we're not gonna pull something ABSURDLY IMPLAUSIBLE AND IDIOTIC out of our asses, are we?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Uh...

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(cringes)

Just tell me. At least it can't be as dumb as Will's unexplained resurrection.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Well...

DYLAN O'BRIEN

C-can it?

KAYA SCODELARIO

(sighs)

I did some tests on a blood sample of yours. It turns out that you, the person who through the natural course of events has risen to become public enemy number one and de facto leader of the whole rebellion, JUST SO HAPPEN to have unique magic blood which can insta-cure the zombie infection.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(doubled over in pain)

OWWWW!! THE WRITING, IT BURNS!!!

KAYA SCODELARIO

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. We'd been doing such a good job avoiding the usual "inherently special Chosen One YA protagonist" thing, too.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Very well, for the good of humanity I will willingly turn myself in to the evil authorities. Based on something which ought to sound to me like a stupid trick, especially coming out of the mouth of a person with a history of lies and betrayal.

INT. LAB

DYLAN goes in and presents himself to PATRICIA.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

So turns out you can just use my blood and cure everybody, huh? Funny how you would have known this years ago if you'd just ran some tests on the immune people like a normal scientist, instead of constructing a bunch of giant mazes, genetically engineering some monsters, wiping the immune kid's memories and dumping them to get killed in a Lord-of-the-Flies-Meets-Cube helltopia.

PATRICIA CLARKSON

Yeah well, hindsight is twenty-twenty. But as much of an idiot as I may be, I've also always been a pragmatist who feels no need to make things more unpleasant for you than I feel is necessary, so if you're cooperating then this ought to be a peaceable resolution for all concerned.

(smiles)

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Well that's boring. We have a less sensible villain we can use, right?

AIDAN GILLEN

(murders Patricia)

Hello! I of course DO feel the need to make things more unpleasant than necessary, and now will keep you in a state of eternal torture.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Oh yeah, this guy! That's better, much more irrational.

AIDAN GILLEN

I also plan to evilly withhold the cure from people, even though that's a totally stupid thing to when the population's dangerously low and infected people are homicidal!

DYLAN O'BRIEN

That's the spirit!

AIDAN runs around trying to catch DYLAN. But then DYLAN throws a HEAVY OBJECT at a the door of a HOLDING CELL with some ZOMBIE TEST SUBJECTS in it.

AIDAN GILLEN

Ha! What was that supposed to accomplish? Obviously we'd be keeping the zombies behind thick bulletproof glass, I mean WCKD aren't a bunch of idiots who don't have a clue what they're... oh.

The door SHATTERS and the ZOMBIES eat him. Then WALTON'S IDIOT ARMY start BLOWING UP the SKYSCRAPER that DYLAN and KAYA are in!

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Come on Kaya, let's flee to the roof! Hopefully Giancarlo is fulfilling his one plot function again!

Sure enough, when they get to the ROOF, GIANCARLO arrives in a HELICOPTER.

KAYA SCODELARIO

But Dylan, since you're injured I'm gonna have to spend the last few seconds of this building's structural integrity helping you board the helicopter, then perish in an act of tragic self-sacrifice, attaining the redemption for which I've been struggling! I'm compelling now, right? Right?!

(plummets into inky blackness)

CARE ABOUT MEEEEEE

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Uh huh whatever.

(flies off)

EXT. BEACH

DYLAN and his remaining PALS rejoin BARRY'S GUYS.

BARRY PEPPER

Hooray, we're all safe now because WCKD is dead! Along with everybody else in their entire city! The world population is now almost completely depleted, woohoo!

DYLAN O'BRIEN

And what's more, I have a vial of the serum Kaya was able to synthesize from my stupid magic blood. For the first time... we have hope.

(stares meaningfully into the distance)

BARRY PEPPER

...You do realise that every single person who had the slightest clue what to do with that stuff just got killed, right?

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Dude. Let me have this.

END.