FADE IN:

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #1 - DAY

After TEN MINUTES of opening credits, ROSE BYRNE wakes up from the sound of her husband PATRICK WILSON snoring unconvincingly. She wanders through their new house wearing MONKEY PAJAMAS and pulls a photo album out of a moving box. Her son TY SIMPKINS enters, wearing the EXACT SAME MONKEY PAJAMAS.

TY SIMPKINS

Hi, mommy. Based on our matching pajamas, we must have some weird, Norman Bates relationship, right?

ROSE BYRNE

No, that oddly conspicuous detail has nothing to do with the plot. Come look at photos with me.

TY SIMPKINS

Do we have any pictures of dad? It sure would be suspicious if we didn’t have like any at all from his entire life.

ROSE BYRNE

Yes, it sure would be.

Later, ROSE juggles making breakfast, soothing her SCREAMING BABY DAUGHTER, and taking care of TY and a second son that APPARENTLY EXISTS. PATRICK leisurely strolls in.

 ROSE BYRNE:

 Oh, thank God. Can you please help me with the kids?

 PATRICK WILSON:

 No can do, babe. I’m gonna be super busy at work being aloof as fuck.

 (leaves)

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #1 - NIGHT

TY is playing upstairs and sees a door creak open BY ITSELF.

 TY SIMPKINS:

 That door leads to the dark, creepy, antique-filled attic that no kid my age would ever enter alone... I should check it out.

HE DOES. While reaching for a light switch, he falls off a LADDER, hits his HEAD, and SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. ROSE and PATRICK run to check on him.

 ROSE BYRNE:

 (crying)

 Is he okay???

 PATRICK WILSON:

 Yeah, he’s fine. Just a bump on the head.

 TY SIMPKINS:

 (falls into a coma)

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #1 - THREE MONTHS LATER

TY lies in bed, hooked up to COMA MACHINES. ROSE sits by while a YOUNG NURSE attends to TY.

 ROSE BYRNE:

 (crying)

 I’m at the end of my rope. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with Ty and I’m so alone because Patrick is always at work. Plus, all this freaky, paranormal shit keeps happening like things moving by themselves and the sound of someone angrily masturbating on the baby monitor. I wish I had a young, female friend to talk to...

 YOUNG NURSE:

 Oh man, that sucks. Bye!

 (leaves)

ROSE makes TY'S bed and finds a BLOODY, DEMONIC HAND PRINT on the sheets.

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #1 - NIGHT

PATRICK comes home from work late, AS USUAL.

 ROSE BYRNE:

 We need to move; this house is totally haunted.

 (shows bloody sheet)

 PATRICK WILSON:

 Whoa, I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for how this giant, foreboding hand print got onto our comatose son’s sheets. Let’s just go to sleep.

THEY DO. They wake up to the sound of loud BANGING noises. PATRICK goes downstairs and finds the front door WIDE OPEN even though the CHAIN was on. Meanwhile, ROSE gets attacked by a SEX OFFENDER GHOST MAN that tries to LICK HER FACE. She screams and PATRICK comes to her rescue.

 ROSE BYRNE:

 (crying)

 Do you believe me now, dickhead? Let’s move out of this hell hole!

THEY ACTUALLY DO.

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #2

Moving DOESN’T MATTER because a bunch of other PARANORMAL SHIT happens at this house, too. ROSE CRIES some more and they reach out to paranormal investigators BOOB 1 and BOOB 2 for help.

BOOB 1

(glaring and eating hot pocket)

We’re here to make sure your house is really haunted. I’ll be using a bunch of cheap, fake-looking equipment that I built out of toys so you can trust that we’re legit.

BOOB 2

And I’m only here because I wrote this movie.

BOOB 1 walks around looking through a View-Master® and sees TWIN GHOST LADIES with JOKER TOXIN smiles.

BOOB 1

(screams and chokes on hot pocket)

Okay, I believe them. Let’s call the boss lady.

Later, paranormal medium LIN SHAYE enters the house.

LIN SHAYE

(sweet and bubbly as fuck)

Hello! This is a beautiful home. Life is wonderful!

ROSE BYRNE

Wow, Lin, this is a pleasant surprise. You usually play a total psycho bitch!

LIN SHAYE

Hello, Patrick. I’ve met you before and dealt with this exact situation so I have no idea why I sent my stooges here first.

PATRICK WILSON

I don’t remember you at all... but that might be because I’m so damn aloof. What’s going on?

LINE SHAYE

Your house isn’t haunted. It’s your son that’s haunted so you can’t move away from the problem.

ROSE BYRNE

You mean like in Paranormal Activity?

BOOB 2

Whaaaaaaaaat? Naaaaaah, this is completely different. It’s... it’s... Lin, please explain how this is completely different!

LIN SHAYE

Your son can astral project. When he goes to sleep, his consciousness leaves his body and travels to a realm called “The Further.” But he got trapped there and now ghosts want to get all up into that sweet little boy body of his.

ROSE BYRNE

Oh, I get it. It was a demon in Paranormal Activity but here it’s just ghosts.

LIN SHAYE

No. There’s a demon, too...

BOOB 2

Motherf-

LIN SHAYE

A demon with sinister-uh, I mean, insidious motives. He wants to take over Ty’s body and then use it to hurt others and destroy the world or something.

PATRICK WILSON

So, what does that have to do with me?

LIN SHAYE

Ty’s ability was passed down from his father.

PATRICK WILSON

(actual line)

... Me?

LIN SHAYE

(exasperated sigh)

Yes, Patrick. When you were young, a GHOST MAN IN DRAG tried to do the same thing to you. You could see “her” creeping on you in all your childhood pictures. I saved you by suppressing your ability and memory... um, somehow. But that’s why you hate getting your picture taken even though you’re such a pretty man.

PATRICK WILSON

So, what should we do to help Ty?

LIN SHAYE

You need to use your ability to go to The Further and get your son back. Make sure you don’t draw any attention to yourself.

EXT. THE FURTHER

PATRICK leaves his body and enters The Further. He carries a lamp that can also astral project, apparently. He IMMEDIATELY draws attention to himself.

ASTRAL PROJECTION PATRICK WILSON

(shouting)

HELLOOOOOOOOOOO? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SON?! Hey, you, shotgun-wielding ghost lady! Have you seen-

PATRICK is ATTACKED by the SEX OFFENDER GHOST MAN. PATRICK gets his ASS thoroughly KICKED and the outlook seems bleak.

V.O. LIN SHAYE

By the way, Patrick, if any ghosts attack you, don’t worry. You’re much stronger because you’re alive.

A.P. PATRICK WILSON

(easily defeats ghost man)

Gee fuckin’ whiz, thanks for waiting until now to tell me!

PATRICK goes through an OMINOUS RED DOOR and finds TY.

A.P. PATRICK WILSON

I’m here, sport! Let’s go!

A.P. TY SIMPKINS

Quiet, daddy! The demon is right upstairs behind that glass and might hear you!

A.P. PATRICK WILSON

(continues talking loudly)

Holy shit, he looks just like Darth Maul!

The DARTH MAUL DEMON hears them and OPENS A CAN OF WHOOP ASS on PATRICK. His “BEING ALIVE” POWERS no longer matter. PATRICK and TY RUN AWAY toward their house and physical bodies.

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #2 – THE REAL WORLD

ROSE BYRNE

OH MY GOD, THERE’S GHOSTS EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHH-

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #2 – THE FURTHER

PATRICK and TY enter the kitchen.

A.P. TY SIMPKINS

We’re almost there! Let’s go back to our bodies and end this horrible nightmare!

A.P. PATRICK WILSON

You go ahead, buddy. Even though we’re being chased by a demon and a bunch of angry ghosts and it sounds like all hell has broken loose back in the real world, I’m gonna stop here and catch my breath. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

A.P. TY SIMPKINS

Great parenting, dad.

(runs away to be chased by demon for a few more minutes)

PATRICK sees the GHOST MAN IN DRAG in a MIRROR.

A.P. PATRICK WILSON

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nobody thinks you’re a woman! You look like a transvestite Steve Buscemi at a goth wedding! Leave me the hell alone!!!

The GHOST MAN IN DRAG smiles menacingly and FADES from view.

CUT TO:

INT. SEEMINGLY HAUNTED HOUSE #2 – THE REAL WORLD

PATRICK and TY WAKE UP and everything goes back to normal. ROSE CRIES again and TY leaps out of bed with NO SIGNS of muscle atrophy after nearly FOUR MONTHS of lying still. Everyone hangs out in the dining room while PATRICK and LIN talk in the living room.

PATRICK WILSON

Thanks for your help. You should leave now and take my creepy childhood photos with you.

(hands over photos)

LIN SHAYE

Zoinks! You’re not Patrick! I can tell by your gross, dead-person hands!

(snaps photo of PATRICK)

GHOST MAN IN DRAG

(pulls off rubber PATRICK WILSON mask)

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling paranormal investigators!

(chokes LIN to death)

ROSE enters the living room.

ROSE BYRNE

Hey, honey, I ran out of tears so I will have to start reacting to things by gasping-

ROSE sees LIN'S DEAD BODY.

ROSE BYRNE

(gasps)

GHOST MAN IN DRAG

(puts hand on ROSE'S shoulder)

She was like that when I got here.

ROSE BYRNE

(gasps herself right into the sequel)

END