FADE IN:

After trailers for a SAW RE-RELEASE and THAT OUIJA BOARD MOVIE, the Warner Brothers Logo turns into blocks of cheese and flies at the screen, which kind of represents the state of the genre right now.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

ANNABELLE WALLIS and her husband WARD HORTON arrive home from CHURCH, so those super-subtle Christian messages in The Conjuring haven't gone anywhere.

WARD HORTON

What the- Your name is Annabelle? You, the actress? Well THIS won't be confusing at all.

ANNA WALLIS

For the sake of clarity I'll go by "Anna." So you're a doctor, I'm pregnant, we're married, we leave our doors unlocked at night, will that be enough to carry us through the whole film?

WARD HORTON

No, you're also some kind of doll collector, which is explains why you wanted this fuckugly doll to brighten up the nursery.

ANNA WALLIS

Good, we needed that Chucky abortion. Now the news is starting, I think it's about that completely superfluous Satanic Cult that won't be showing up.

That night, in the neighbor's house, SATANIC CULT MEMBERS spray BLOOD at the WALL and there's a LOUD MUSIC CUE!

ANNA WALLIS

Ward, honey? I thought I saw one of the neighbors jerking it with a bottle of Strawberry Mio™.

WARD HORTON

What do you want me to do, walk alone into their dark house without knocking or turning on lights?

ANNA WALLIS

Exactly that. Don't act so WORRIED; I'll hang out back here with our front door wide open. So you can come back in, of course.

A CREEPY LADY jumps out.

CREEPY LADY

I LIIIIIIKE YOOOOUR DOLLLLLLL!

(gets shot by cops)

Holy hell, the cops have record response time in this neighb-

She dies with the DOLL in her ARMS, GASP!

DETECTIVE GUY

It's okay, everyone. These people were Satanists, which means they had no motive except being Unspeakably Evil, end of mystery.

REAL-LIFE SATANISTS

Oh COME ON Hollywood, what in the name of Belial did we ever do to you?

INT. HOUSE - DAYS LATER

GHOST

Yessss... This is perrrrfect. The fools have no inkling of my pressssence.

The GHOST begins its EVIL SCHEME by POKING BABY TOYS, STARTING a SEWING MACHINE, MOVING a ROCKING CHAIR, and FUCKING with TV RECEPTION.

ANNA WALLIS

Ward, that doll is scaring me. The many, many, many, many slow zooms on its face creep me out.

WARD HORTON

I bet we could get a lot of money by selling it on Craigslist, but instead I'll wing this valuable collector's doll in the trash.

GHOST

Oooh, you've pissed me off noooow! You will die by POPCORRRRN!

WARD HORTON

All we have to do is... heat it up!

The GHOST uses POPCORN to set the house on FIRE. The ENTIRE AUDIENCE responds by LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF, I mean SCREAMING.

INT. NEW, SURELY GHOST-FREE APARTMENT

ANNA, WARD, and their NEW BABY DAUGHTER move into a new apartment, only to discover the DOLL has hidden inside one of their moving boxes!

ANNA WALLIS

AAAAUGH! IT'S FOLLOWING US I changed my mind let's keep it.

WARD HORTON

Damn, I wanted to see if it would attack us with Pop Tarts next.

ANNA WALLIS

I'm going to meet our neighbors. Hello little children, why don't you come back to my apartment and play with my toys? Wait, that sounded-

SUPERFLUOUS CHILDREN

NOOOOOO! We don't want to be connected to James Wan's shitty career, however distantly! Run away!

Bored of this horseshit, the GHOST gains SLENDER MAN POWERS and draws pictures of BABIES GETTING CRUSHED BY CARS.

ANNA WALLIS

Huh.

WARD HORTON

Mmm.

The GHOST puts on SMOOTH JAZZ and jumps at ANNA through a WINDOW.

GHOST

Ooh that was fun! I'm going to do that again!

(jumps out, again!)

ANNA WALLIS

Eeek, I'm mildly unnerved!

GHOST

Oh, just wait! Later I plan on pretending I'm a little girl, THEN I'm gonna whisper at you all creepy-like, THEN I'm going to dress up as a priest! Rawr!

EVERY GHOST AFTER JU-ON

Yo, try becoming visible from ONE VERY SPECIFIC CAMERA ANGLE! Then when she turns around... you'll be GONE. It's fun, trust us.

GHOST

But I feel much more comfortable dressing like a priest...

ANNA WALLIS

You're the lady who died holding the doll in her arms! The logical thing to do is throw out the doll-

(does not throw out doll)

(wanders into dark basement instead)

INT. BASEMENT OF DARK, SHADOWY PLACES

ANNA is down here because [*reasons to come - studio to approve], but she gets attacked by GROOT! No, really, it's GROOT.

ANNA WALLIS

Dammit, why didn't you stay in the trash bin? Plenty of smarmy raccoons go there you know.

GROOT

(seriously, it's fucking Groot)

You can't escape me. I have a hidden weapon... the FILM EDITOOOOR.

The EDITOR makes a big FLASH CUT JUMP SCARE!

GROOT

...That's all I got.

ANNA WALLIS

(giggling)

Wow, the screams after that happened sure sounded like dying careers to me. Hey, what's this not-quite-Blair-Witch-symbol on my arm?

DETECTIVE GUY

Oh, one of many loose ends to forget about. So that ghost lady, she was a Satan-Worshipping Child-Killing Fascist Jewish Portuguese Lesbian-

ANNA WALLIS

Sounds familiar-

DETECTIVE GUY

-from the cult of Pure Evil, and they were trying to... CONJURE something.

ANNA WALLIS

No way! What were they trying to CONJURE?

DETECTIVE GUY

I think it was lots of cash from hapless moviegoers, the bastards.

ANNA WALLIS

Thanks for dropping by. I'm off to the "Everything Ever Written About Satanic Demons for Concerned Mothers" section of my local bookstore.

(pause)

Okay, seriously people, walk into a library or use your fucking computer and try finding a "Manual for Satanic Magic" or something. The only thing you'll find is weird Christian websites telling you depression is a symptom of black magic.

ANTON LAVEY

And those hilariously phallic lust charms from the 60s.

INT. BOOKSTORE

ANNA flips through a copy of "Cheap, Easy Villains for Dummies" when she meets ALFRE WOODARD.

ALFRE WOODARD

Hey girl! Thought we could knock out that Bechdel test along with stopping that ghost problem of yours.

ANNA WALLIS

What? No, no, you're black. I can't ask you to help me, you'll almost certainly die.

ALFRE WOODARD

It's 2014, that CAN'T be my only purpose! I figured out the ghost is trying to kill your baby.

ANNA WALLIS

Hmm. Immediately after learning this information, the best thing to do is leave my baby alone on the floor, with a shelf full of heavy objects over her head, while I investigate creepy noises from the other room.

She does this and it shockingly does not go well. GROOT appears, picks up the ANNABELLE DOLL, and waves it up and down making "Oooooooh!" sounds.

ANNA WALLIS

Ouch! I think I felt the movie hit rock bottom!

GROOT

Hey, you know how dull it is in hell, fisting sinners with my plant-fingers for 30,000 years? I'm shitting myself from all the excitement right now. Growl.

ANNA brings over a PRIEST but she STILL DOESN'T THROW OUT THE FUCKING DOLL.

PRIEST

You'll see waves of maggots over oceans of rot...

ANNA WALLIS

What's the plan?! I was thinking you could throw holy water at the doll, or crush it under a car tire, before-

The GHOST (not Groot, the other one) pushes the PRIEST onto an AERIAL FAITH-PLATE and he flies 30 feet backward onto hard concrete.

PRIEST

Never saw that coming!

(is fine)

What? How did I survive that?

GHOST

You're a white Christian, duh.

INT. APARTMENT

The GHOST, or GROOT, or Satan or whatever, turns into a BALVERINE and attacks ALFRE WOODARD before stealing ANNA'S BABY away to THE FURTHER!

ANNA WALLIS

NOOOO! What do you WANT FROM MEEEEEE?! AAAAAUGH MY BAY-BEEEE!

GROOT

GO INTO THE BEDROOM!

ANNA WALLIS

OKAY I'M HERE NOW WHAT

GROOT

LOOK AT THE WALLS I SCRIBBLED CRAYON ALL OVER!

ANNA WALLIS

OH GOD THAT WILL TAKE SO LONG TO CLEAN

GROOT

Now look at your DOLLS! I took the time to stab and rub blood on every single one of them so you BETTER DAMN WELL GET SCARED NOW!

ANNA WALLIS

AAAAAAH YOU REALLY NEED A BETTER HOBBY

GROOT

You can save your baby. You have to walk through this door that says "Deposit Soul Here." And the door is really a window, and it drops down onto hard pavement.

ANNA climbs onto the window ledge when ALFRE WOODARD (apparently unharmed) and WARD HORTON rush in!

WARD HORTON

No Anna! Don't do it! I learned this demon can't actually harm babies, including ours, and this is all a trick to get YOUR soul all along!

ANNA WALLIS

(stepping away from window)

Oh good, I'm so glad you-

WARD HORTON

But I'm not going to tell you any of that information for some reason!

ANNA WALLIS

(getting back on window)

What? You idiot. I guess I'll have to sacrifice myself, unless there's a REALLY NICE black person nearby who can take my place.

ALFRE WOODARD

It's okay, Anna. I realized, when God saved my life in that backstory bit years ago, it was because his plan for me was to sacrifice myself for your family.

WARD HORTON

Er, God's plan for you was to give up your soul to a demon?

ALFRE KILLS HERSELF, and ANNA gets her BABY back. A VOICE-OVER about JESUS plays to make sure everybody understands God totally wanted that woman to damn herself for eternity.

CHRISTIAN AUDIENCE

(leaving)

EXT. CHURCH - 6 MONTHS LATER

ANNA, WARD, and the PRIEST meet up to discuss the future of the franchise.

PRIEST

So I think we can safely say horror is dead now. What do you think?

WARD HORTON

No, it'll keep going on forever, an unkillable evil. We can look forward to another Insidious turd, another Purge wretchtub, another Paranormal Activity cumbucket-

ANNA WALLIS

-an Army of Darkness TV show, so we can prolong Bruce Campbell's depressing aging-

WARD HORTON

That Daniel Radcliffe Devil movie-

PRIEST

And of course The Conjuring 2, Return of the Blandergeists!

(pause)

Fucking "Ouija" made $20M opening weekend.

MUSIC BOX BOY: THE CONJURING CHRONICLES is cobbled together in time for the January season.

END