FADE IN:

INT. SHINY GLEAMING OFFICE BUILDING – BOGOTA, COLOMBIA

MELONIE DIAZ reports for her first day at her new job, working for an AMERICAN company's satellite office in COLOMBIA.

H.R. GUY

Hi Melonie! Welcome to your first day at Umbrella, er, Belko Corporation. Here’s your employee package including an office directory, how to set up your email, some Soylent Green vouchers, a Voight-Kampff machine, and a disclaimer about the tracking device we implanted directly into your head. It’s to find you if you get kidnapped.

MELONIE DIAZ

Um yeah, thanks. Did you look into maybe guarding against us being kidnapped in the first place? We seem to have lots of guards...

H.R. GUYGER

Well we put our heads together and brainstormed but all our ideas were about heads and brains. Anyway it’s not like there’s some other sinister purpose for the implants HA HA HA HA let me show you around and introduce you to people!

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

I’m a mid-level schlub and also the leading man of the movie because John Krasinski was busy. Since I’m the hero I get to be in a relationship with a woman way hotter than I am.

ADRIA ARJONA

That’s me! My character is to have the hots for John G., but also be creeped out by the creepy creepinations of John C.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

And that’s me! I’m a deeply angry sexual harasser with military training, holy shit why has nobody killed me already? Am I the only one who read up on the premise of this movie?

OWAIN YEOMAN

Guess so! I’m just happy I get to use my British accent after all those years pretending to be American on CBS's The Mentalist. I know this will send shockwaves through the legions upon legions of Mentalist fans watching this widely distributed movie.

TONY GOLDWYN

And I’m the CEO. Don’t let the punchable evilness of my face worry you. We here at Weyland-Utani, er, Belko, only want the best for all our employees.

JAMES EARL

I’m the black security guard and one of the few people around here who seems to have their head screwed on right, so I’m hoping this is gonna play like Get Out.

TONY GOLDWYN

Well it looks like that’s all the important people you need to—

Suddenly the movie remembers it is written and produced by JAMES GUNN.

MICHAEL ROOKER

HEY Y’ALL!! You didn’t think you wouldn’t be seein' MY pretty mug, did ya?!

SEAN GUNN

And I'm here too! Thank God Joseph Gilgun wasn't available!

TONY GOLDWYN

Right, everyone have a productive work day. Don't worry about how all our local employees got sent home or how we have brand new guards who all just holed up in a bunker next door. Go Team Cyberdyne, I mean Protogen, I mean, Belko!

MELONIE DIAZ

Oh, one last question, where's the zany 1950s Army antics division? Can I meet Phil Silvers personally?

TONY GOLDWYN

BELko, Melonie. BELko. Now since nobody is getting this joke let's move on.

People do WORK STUFF and CHARACTER MOMENTS for a while UNTIL!

P/A SYSTEM

ATTENTION. ROUND ONE COMMENCING. You must kill two co-workers in the next 20 minutes or there will be consequences.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Wait, do you mean EACH of us has to kill two other people? I don't think the math checks out.

P/A SYSTEM

No, we mean you must kill two co-workers total.

SEAN GUNN

Oh. So are you talking to one of us in particular?

P/A SYSTEM

No, we're saying--

ADRIA ARJONA

Or does EVERYONE have to participate in killing those two people? Like is this a Murder on the Orient Express situation, spoiler alert?

P/A SYSTEM

LET US REPHRASE. Two of you must die in the next, um, 19 minutes, and they must be killed by one or more fellow employees.

(pause)

Or there'll be, y'know, consequences.

OWAIN YEOMAN

Shit, we need to get outta here!

Just then GIANT METAL SHUTTERS slam shut and block all the OUTSIDE WINDOWS and DOORS!

MICHAEL ROOKER

(using blowtorch)

God damn, it's some kind of vibranium-adamantium alloy, my tools ain't even scratchin' it!

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

That's impossible, those materials exist in two completely separate cinematic universes!

MICHAEL ROOKER

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT BOY?!

(angrily throws down sonic screwdriver)

ADRIA ARJONA

Also there's no cell service! Hey, remember that brief moment in movie history when everyone was all "how will horror movies work now that everyone has cell phones" before someone thought "oh yeah, just have a character stare uselessly at a phone with no bars for two seconds"?

SEAN GUNN

Well we don't have to go along with this. It's probably a bluff, or some weird morality test thing. If we just stay cool and not kill each other, we'll all get donuts and an Ethics Certificate and there'll be a hilarious writeup on the company intranet tomorrow.

P/A SYSTEM

TIME'S UP!! HERE COME THE JELLY-FILLED DONUTS ALSO KNOWN AS YOUR HEADS

People's HEADS start BURSTING OPEN, POPPITY POP POP!!

ADRIA ARJONA

Holy fuck, it's the implants! They can explode our heads at any time!

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Well they ain't getting me!

(claws at back of head)

P/A SYSTEM

UM DUDE. Shockingly we have cameras everywhere and can see everything you're doing.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Grrarrghh!

(grabs melon baller and frantically scoops at back of head)

P/A SYSTEM

You must realize we can explode your head if you continue, right?

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Nyyyyaarrgh!

(grabs staple remover and hacks at back of head)

DAMMIT fine, fine, I'll stop.

(bleeds everywhere)

So where's the Band-Aids?

TONY GOLDWYN

Oh hey I was just thinking how there's a bunch of guns in a locker downstairs. Maybe I should have all of those guns in case they ask us to make a gun salad or something.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Oooh, good call boss. I'll help.

JAMES EARL

I'm gonna say no.

P/A SYSTEM

NOW FOR ROUND TWO. AHEM. There are 80 of you left. This time you... the collective "you", before anyone asks... have TWO HOURS to kill THIRTY co-workers. If you do not we will explode SIXTY of your heads.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Well shit. I guess we're trapped in this... experiment. What do they hope to learn?

ADRIA ARJONA

Maybe they want to see if any of us will behave in unexpected ways? I mean sure, you could ASSUME that all the upper management and bully types would team up to terrorize everyone else, but that would just be the most glaringly obvious way it would play out, I mean what really would be the point of--

ENTIRE CAST

(glaring, shaking heads, mouthing "nope", etc)

ADRIA ARJONA

Er, let's try to think of ways of escaping from this fiendish, unpredictable deathtrap!

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

How about we make giant banners we can hang from the roof to get help. Someone driving by could spot it, decide to call the police, and then they could stand outside uselessly, unable to get through the impervious shell around the building. If we're lucky they might even try communicating with Morse Code before all our heads get exploded.

TONY GOLDWYN

Banners! Yes! Great idea! I'm going to make my banner out of guns.

JAMES EARL

NO, dude. C'mon.

MELONIE decides to hide in the BASEMENT where ROOKER and ROOKER'S FREAKING-OUT MAINTENANCE PARTNER have also gone.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Maybe we oughtta check if they sealed off the sewer access, air vents, shit like that.

FREAKING-OUT DUDE

OR INSTEAD I COULD PANIC AND BASH YOUR SKULL IN ACCIDENTALLY OOPS

MELONIE DIAZ

FUCK DUDE WHAT'D YOU DO, OOPS I IMPALED YOU ON REBAR, SORRY WHOOPS

CO-WORKER

I'M FALLING INTO THE POOOOOL!!! OF ACID, YOINKS

While the basement characters eliminate each other through SLAPSTICK, the BANNER CREW gets their signs to the roof only to be SHOT AT by company security.

P/A SYSTEM

ALSO WE WILL EXPLODE YOUR HEADS IF YOU KEEP TRYING. Which means we probably don't need to be wasting bullets on you, I guess.

TONY GOLDWYN

Right, we tried a non-gun solution, we should try guns now.

JAMES EARL

Dude for the last time I'm not gonna let--

(stabbed)

Then again,

(dies)

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

That's for not having Jones at the end of your name! Okay, Tony and I have all the guns now, we're in charge.

TONY and MCGINLEY herd everyone they can find into the MAIN LOBBY.

TONY GOLDWYN

As CEO I'm going to figure out which thirty people should die, using a completely fair and objective methodology. First, anyone whose name rhymes with "Bony Moldfin" gets to live. Second, middle-aged white guys get to live because we're genetically predisposed to be better at being middle-aged white guys. Third, um, fuck these people over here. You suck.

However MELONIE is still free and cuts the LIGHTS! MAYHEM ENSUES! MELONIE and a GUY wind up on top of an ELEVATOR!

GUY

Uh-oh, we're going up! I'm gonna get Emilio Estevezed against the top of the shaft... but not if I leap off at just... the right... moment...

(leaps off at JUST THE WORST, LIKE, THE ABSOLUTE WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING MOMENT and gets BRUTALLY SQUOOSHED by the ELEVATOR EDGE against the SHAFT and turned into a HUMAN FRUIT ROLL-UP)

Urk!

P/A SYSTEM

HI EVERYONE, we realize it's a bit hard to keep score with all the chaos and panic and hysteria and murder and adding fractional points from livestock and vegetables, so listen up. There are TWENTY-NINE people dead so you are only ONE SHORT! How dramatic!

In one of the offices ADRIA has cornered OWAIN!

ADRIA ARJONA

I'm sorry Owain, if I don't kill you 31 more people die! The only real option left is to murder you!

OWAIN YEOMAN

I understand Adria. There's really no choice.

ADRIA ARJONA

And yet.... I can't do it! Sob!

OWAIN YEOMAN

I should kill you instead by that same logic... or myself... but I, also, can't do it! Sob!

P/A SYSTEM

Gosh, so touching. Maybe this is the moment of pure humanity we've been searching for? Perhaps they've stumbled upon the TRUE meaning of this experiment, to find a shining moment of goodness against impossible odds HAHAHA NOPE TIME'S UP DOUCHEBAGS! Let's start off with Owain just to make Adria feel extra-bad.

OWAIN'S HEAD EXPLODES! A whole bunch more HEAD-POPPIN' happens! Afterwards, only a handful of people are left alive amongst the literal handfuls of people smeared about the office.

P/A SYSTEM

FINAL ROUND. After this round, only the person who's killed the most will be allowed to live. In the event of a tie, the winner is whoever has the highest score in the resource they've gathered the LEAST of. Off you go!

SEAN GUNN

Gallagher, over here! I've been collecting unexploded headbombs from murdered people. You may as well hang onto them since I'm pretty sure my narrative function is over now.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Hey, me and Tony are supposed to have ALL the guns! No fair hiding one in your last name!

(shoots Sean)

ADRIA ARJONA

You're missing your twelve pieces of flair asshole!!

(axes McGinley)

MELONIE DIAZ

Phew, I've made it this far by hiding and being sneaky. Guess it's time to simply take the elevator to the main lobby and parade out

(shot by Tony)

ADRIA ARJONA

NOOOO how dare you shoot Melonie! Also how dare you have shot me, too, while I'm on the subject.

(dies)

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

AAAADRIIIIAAAAAAAAA

GALLAGHER and GOLDWYN engage in FINAL BATTLE!

TONY GOLDWYN

Remember we have to maintain the "office satire" element right to the bitter end. So I'm gonna whup your ass with... POWERPOINT!

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Oh yeah? I'm gonna fuck you up with this... tape dispenser? For real?

(yes, for real)

They make tape dispensers out of solid lead in this universe or something?

(just do it dude)

Fine fine fine.

GALLAGHER crushes GOLDWYN and everyone else has killed each other off so HE WINS! GUARDS enter the building and escort him to see...

INT. COMMAND TENT

...none other than GREGG HENRY WHHAAAAAAT?!?!???

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Oh yeah, his name was in the opening credits. Not much of a surprise really.

GREGG HENRY

Congratulations John. As your reward, let me show you the master control panel where we chose who to blow up. Pretty keen huh? Notice how everyone's switch is there, all tightly packed together.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Well I used my God-level pickpocket skill to plant all the unused explosives on you and the guards! Now to flop on that panel and miraculously hit every switch except mine!

He DOES and kills all the GUARDS plus GREGG HENRY! GALLAGHER then stumbles outside wearily, not knowing that he's being viewed on a MONITOR elsewhere... next to TONS OF OTHER MONITORS showing that this kind of shit is happening ALL OVER THE PLACE!

COMPUTER VOICE

END OF FINAL ROUND. PHASE ONE COMPLETE, COMMENCE PHASE TWO. IF VICTORY POINTS OR COLONISTS ARE DEPLETED, OR ONE PLAYER'S BOARD IS FULL, THIS IS FINAL PHASE. COMMENCE BUREAUCRACY AND RESTOCK RAW MATERIALS, RESET THE POWER PLANT MARKET. ADVANCE THE TIME MARKER. IF TIME UNITS DEPLETED READ END OF MISSION CARD (OUT OF TIME). REPLACE ANY PURCHASED HERO CARDS. TRAVELLERS LEAVE THE INN IN REVERSE ORDER OF THEIR ARRIVAL. SPEND INCOME TO MOVE POPULATION DICE INTO YOUR CUP. OH SHIT WE HAVE NO ENDING FOR THIS JOKE, THIS WILL GO ON FOREVER, DESTRUCT, DESTRUCT

(world explodes)

END