EXT. CABIN FEVER BY THE WOODS- WRONG TURN

MAIA MITCHELL is crawling through dirt and darkness, gasping for life and breath. The COMMAND SCREEN prompts her to hit X repeatedly to keep climbing.

MAIA MITCHELL

I am finally free. I escaped.

A VOICE ANNOUNCES IN THE DISTANCE

ANNOUNCER

Here comes a new challenger!

MASKED PSYCHO CLOWN, holding a pickaxe, appears and kills her.

INT. ROAD TRIP- CAR

YOUNG ADULTS with budding hormones, raw emotions, and YA intentions are riding in a car.

ELLA RUBIN

Remember, guys. First, we find my missing sister, then we can do total wild and reckless benders.

MICHAEL CIMINO

Well, we already checked the cave, which unlocked the dungeon, where we had to give the janitor the key so we could gain access to the amusement park. Creepy Cabin is the last undiscovered location.

ODESSA A'ZION

This is so cool, we are like the Scooby Doo gang, but instead of owning a dog, we all have depression.

BELMONT CAMELI

I've only been dating Odessa for a few weeks. Why am I in this tight-knit friend group?

JI-YOUNG YOO

My psychic abilities tell me we need a douche guy in the group.

INT. GAS STATION

The gang arrives at a run-down gas station. They pass ALAN TUDYK and TYLER LABINE. ELLA RUBIN meets PETER STORMARE.

PETER STORMARE

Young teenagers shouldn't be meddling about in the cabin.

ELLA RUBIN

I need to find my sister. She went here one year ago. She wanted to go to NYC for independence, but somehow settled for ButtCrackville.

PETER STORMARE

All I can tell you is that there is a secluded bed-and-breakfast where good-looking young adults go missing. That's all I know. I put the coordinates on a napkin. Please leave all weapons in your car. Bring a spare change of clothes and a toothbrush.

ELLA RUBIN

Why are you working behind a gas station counter when you are clearly behind the whole plot of this movie?

PETER STORMARE

That requires the Peter Stormare backstory DLC for $3.99.

EXT. THE BED AND HEXFAST

The gang drove through Biblical flash flood rain when they suddenly hit the very dry CABIN.

ODESSA A'ZION

The rain just stopped, but only over this one cabin.

BELMONT CAMELI

The stupid level is not fully loading. I thought this was next-gen hardware.

JI-YOUNG YOO

My psychic abilities tell me there is something wrong with this spot.

MICHAEL CIMINO

Don't worry, Ella. I will protect you from all harm and evil. Besides, I look like International Jake Gyllenhaal.

ELLA RUBIN

Says the guy who couldn't use the gas station restroom because there was a spider in it.

MICHAEL CIMINO

It was a brown widow…I think.

ELLA RUBIN

Oh, look, I see my sister standing in the middle of the street. I am going to run to her and tell no one.

INT. THE CLICK BAIT'S MOTEL

ODESSA notices an hourglass on the wall. She writes her name on a ledger that clearly shows others have respawned several times. BELMONT sees a wall filled with photos of MISSING PEOPLE.

ODESSA A'ZION

Guys, it says hold square to start Survival Mode. That seems quirky. Let's try it.

ODESSA checks on BELMONT and sees he has been de-torso'd by the PSYCHO CLOWN.

MICHAEL grabs a chair and smashes it over the back of the PSYCHO CLOWN.

PSYCHO CLOWN

That move was not super effective. Psycho-type monsters are not weak against Vulnerable-type young adults.

(stabs Michael in the eye)

PSYCHO CLOWN kills the rest of the young adults, and we fade out to CREDITS.

AUDIENCE

That was an odd movie, but it was short.

ELLA RUBIN

Sit back down, there's a lot more of that.

INT. THE BAIT'S MOTEL- NEXT NIGHT

Everyone resets back to their original position.

ELLA RUBIN

We are back to the night we died. It's like that movie where Bill Murray terrorizes that blonde girl because she saw his groundhog.

MICHAEL CIMINO

I think you are confusing two movies. Also, isn't the point of the game that you can't respawn? This is the opposite.

BELMONT CAMELI

Guys, they added our pictures to the missing wall, and that's not the worst part. This house has access to our Facebook photos and a working printer.

ODESSA A'ZION

All we need to do is stand perfectly still for a few hours, and we can last UNTIL DAWN.

A door starts banging violently.

ELLA RUBIN

Oh no, it's a very aggressive invisible Jehovah's Witness.

ELLA gets SPIRITED AWAY to a witch's house and is then turned into an evil zombie.

ELLA RUBIN

I really hope they explain the significance of that, and it's not someone just throwing horror spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks.

MICHAEL finds an EVIL CLOWN DOLL on a rocking chair, but he kicks it against a wall.

MICHAEL CIMINO

It's like the greatest hits of other horror movies, but done poorly to avoid infringement.

ODESSA and BELMONT try to drive away, but a giant road troll/ogre/leftover CGI MODEL chases them back to the house.

ODESSA A'ZION

This haunted house thought of everything. They are throwing tons of horror nouns at us.

BELMONT CAMELI

Except for plot cohesion.

JI-YOUNG YOO

(is AFK)

They all die, accomplishing nothing for the plot.

INT. A BATHROOM THAT CAN FIT FIVE BROODING YOUNG ADULTS COMFORTABLY AS THEY RECONCILE THEIR DIFFERENCES

The gang stays inside the bathroom for the rest of the night.

ELLA RUBIN

Nailed it! No one has ever died in a bathroom. Ever.

ODESSA A'ZION

According to the ledger of written names, no one has survived thirteen respawns. I think the health system is based on penmanship.

BELMONT CAMELI

I, for one, think we are geniuses for coming up with this…OMG IS THAT WATER????

JI-YOUNG YOO

I LOVE WATER!!!

ELLA RUBIN

WATER!!! WATER!!! WATER!!!!!!!

MICHAEL CIMINO

GIMME THAT WATER!!!!

They all drink the water and EXPLODE.

PETER STORMARE

(arrives)

Surprise! I run this house. Did you really think a first-rate actor like me would just run a gas station counter?

ELLA RUBIN

So we will figure out the perfectly reasonable explanation for why this house exists and why my lost sister is a Wendigo?

PETER STORMARE

I never promised that. I was a voice actor in the original PS4 game and I still have no idea what is happening. Your job is to exhaust the studio's blood-and-guts budget. Remember, one person must die for everyone to escape. Not sure why that is in the contract, but I left it in there.

ELLA RUBIN

By that logic, we should have escaped three times by now since we are all dying at different times.

EXT. FOREST-THE NEXT NEXT NEXT NIGHT

Another night of hijinks and calamity.

ELLA RUBIN

I am going to get a bear trap stuck on my foot outside and be chased by my monster sister.

MICHAEL CIMINO

I drank some more water because I didn't want to be lonely.

(explodes)

ODESSA A'ZION

I am going to sit with my beloved boyfriend and be safe in his arms.

BELMONT CAMELI

We need to talk about boundaries.

ODESSA stabs him with a pickaxe.

ODESSA A'ZION

Oh, look, he needs me now. You guys go on ahead.

ELLA RUBIN

Has anyone thought to destroy the hourglass that magically makes us relive the night?

JI-YOUNG YOO

My psychic energies tell me there is a VHS tape where Peter Stormare explains that he tests subjects in this horror house until they become mutated Wendigos.

ELLA RUBIN

That makes sense until you realize that the first test subject wouldn't have any monsters, and they would go crazy from slamming doors and bad water. Also, how did a test subject become a witch and build an entire house that disappears?

MICHAEL CIMINO

Everyone, stop thinking. The house gets offended by straightforward conflicts. We need to survive the night.

CUT TO: MONTAGE OF DEATHS- THE NEXT 10 NIGHTS:

JI-YOUNG YOO

Just going to take some of this free pizza I didn't see before.

(Free pizza turns into a dinosaur and eats everyone)

MICHAEL CIMINO

What does TNT stand for? I am going to light this match to get a better look.

(TNT turns into a bear and mauls everyone)

ODESSA A'ZION

Hmmmm… this necromoni… thing book is an interesting read. The cover feels like human flesh.

(The Book turns into a car salesman and sells the kids a Cyber Truck. The kids die of embarrassment)

BELMONT CAMELI

This mysterious hole in the wall requires us to put our hand in it. I am going to try.

(The hole in the wall gives the gang winning Lottery tickets, and the kids are killed from kindness)

ELLA RUBIN

Ugh…someone posted a pic of me with a double chin on Insta. I could just die!

(Double chin turns into a swarm of piranhas)

MICHAEL CIMINO

What gives? I can't respawn unless I watch a thirty-second ad or spend five life crystals.

INT. THE MOTEL'S BASEMENT- THE SAFEST PLACE IN ANY HORROR MOVIE

The gang is exhausted from having their innards and body parts fly out. DAVID F. SANDBERG ran out of ideas and blood, also.

ELLA RUBIN

It's our thirteenth day. I don't think we can survive one more. We are going to turn into the next monsters in this house. Already, my hair is getting dry and gross.

MICHAEL CIMINO

Have we tried using the forbidden door marked with the words, "Plot Explanation Here?"

ODESSA A'ZION

Why would we need a plot explanation? Peter clearly told us what this house is about. He's not just going to change it at the end.

BELMONT CAMELI

Ummmm…I feel like our group was more diverse a few scenes ago. Where is Ji-Young?

The group explores the underground tunnels where all the monsters gang up on them.

BELMONT CAMELI

The Psycho Clown is susceptible to giant hammers smashing his face. Score!

ODESSA A'ZION

The murderous Smeagol monsters are allergic to stabbing. We are finally going to win!

MICHAEL CIMINO

I keep punching the water in the face. It doesn't like that.

JI-YOUNG YOO

I am locked inside a room with a chained zombie. I am totally winning this staring contest.

ELLA RUBIN

I found Peter's office. He is very confident in his survival odds, being surrounded by murderous atrocities.

PETER STORMARE

I downloaded the player's guide on IGN. Are you ready to know the truth about this house?

ELLA RUBIN

Okay, wait for the audience to go on Wikipedia to make sense of this scrambled mess of a plot.

PETER STORMARE

As a psychiatrist living in this town, I decided to start testing people's psychology with fear and survival. But the monsters you see every night are manifestations of your terrified psyche. The Psycho Clown, the Witch, the Water, Invisible Door Man, and a new season of Marvel's Iron Heart. This was all a test chamber for your depressed mind, Ella.

ELLA RUBIN

Let me work this out. You work at the local gas station in hopes of finding fragile-minded young adults. Then you direct them toward this house and begin experimenting on them with psychologically manifested monsters, which can kill in a very real way, despite only being constructs of my imagination. And the whole schlock about previous victims turning into monsters is iffy at best, given that half the scares come from mutated Smeagols and the other half from haunted water. Also, you decided that the best place for your office was right in the middle of all the carnage and murder. Also, my sister and I both manifested the same murderous Psycho Clown? Is there a template for manifestations?

PETER STORMARE

What do you want, Ella? This is a video game adaptation. They almost replaced my character with Jim Carrey.

ELLA RUBIN

I just killed my sister, who was a transformed wendigo. Was she a manifestation of my depression or a Wendigo?

PETER STORMARE

Would it make you feel better if I just said I am an evil wizard with a portal to Hell?

ELLA RUBIN

Immensley.

PETER STORMARE

Alright, get out of here, you little scamp.

ELLA RUBIN

By the way, I poisoned your coffee with exploding water. Didn't you hear me giggling while you drank it?

PETER STORMARE

How in the world have I lived this long in this nightmare world?

(explodes)

EXT. THE GREAT OUTDOORS

The whole gang escapes through a secret hatch. They celebrate.

ELLA RUBIN

We learned an important lesson here.

MICHAEL CIMINO

Don't be depressed or sad, or your imagination will kill your friends.

ODESSA A'ZION

That sounds right. Also, it's wrong to assume a group of twenty-somethings will have good chemistry with each other.

BELMONT CAMELI

Let's go. It was nice of all the monsters to leave my car intact. One of the Wendigos even filled it with gas. I know a shortcut through Silent Hill that will take us to the backend of Raccoon City.

THE END