FADE IN:

INT. VARIOUS LOCALES

Assorted murder mystery suspects KATHRYN HAHN, LESLIE ODOM JR., KATE HUDSON, and DAVE BAUTISTA receive large PUZZLE BOXES from eccentric billionaire EDWARD NORTON.

KATHRYN HAHN

(phoning others)

Did you guys all get one of these? My Senate-aspiring politician brain can't make heads or tails of it!

LESLIE ODOM JR.

I'm running my corporate scientist hands all over its smooth surfaces, with no luck. How does it open?

DAVE BAUTISTA

Well my genius Mom, whom I live with despite being a misogynist alt-right podcaster, says it's a Magic Eye puzzle.

KATE HUDSON

Oh yeah! If I cross my social-media-minefield ex-supermodel current-fashionista eyes, I see an arrow pointing to a button that was already there and we should have found when we ran our hands all over it.

The BOXES prove to contain a dozen or so AIRPORT GIFT SHOP NOVELTY PUZZLES and eventually OPEN to reveal a GIANT CAVITY inside with an INVITATION to ED NORTON'S PRIVATE ISLAND!

LESLIE ODOM JR.

Okay there is literally no way for all those puzzles to fit in the leftover space in this box.

INT. DANIEL CRAIG'S BAYHTHROOM, AH SAY, AH DO DECLAY-HUR, OKAY WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THE ACCENT LET'S TAKE THAT AS READ SHALL WE

DANIEL relaxes in his BATHTUB while playing the whimsically macabre online game AMONG US with ANGELA LANSBURY, STEPHEN SONDHEIM, KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, and NATASHA LYONNE.

DANIEL CRAIG

That's right audience, we're taking you back to 2020 and the early days of the pandemic, when everyone was obssessed with sourdough starters and playing Among Us before they all decided Among Us wasn't COOL enough or something and they all STOPPED PLAYING FOREVER even though it's a VERY FUN GAME THAT MAYBE DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE CAST ASIDE LIKE A USED SNOTRAG

ANGELA LANSBURY

(sourdough, she rose)

Everything all right Daniel?

DANIEL CRAIG

I'm sorry, I get restless and antsy between silly movies. I need a break from grim-jawed broody stuff, I need another light-hearted romp!

NATASHA LYONNE

That's the spirit! I'd come help solve a case but I think I'm gonna go reboot Columbo instead. Have fun with your whimsical escapism!

DANIEL CRAIG

Indeed! Let the holiday frolic commence!

STEPHEN SONDHEIM

Guess I shouldn't point out that two of us are dead, huh...

KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR

(checks IMDB)

Phew!

EXT. EDWARD NORTON'S PRIVATE TROPICAL ISLAND

The four SUSPECTS arrive along with surprise guests DANIEL and JANELLE MONAE!

KATE HUDSON

Well well well, if it isn't Ed Norton's ex-business-partner Janelle. Of course the question isn't "why was she invited", it's "why did she come?"

LESLIE ODOM JR.

I dunno, since Ed fraudulently kicked her out of their multi-billion-dollar company and she swore revenge, I think it's worth asking why he'd invite her.

JANELLE MONAE

(aloofs, mysteriously)

DAVE BAUTISTA

Maybe Ed and Janelle figured there weren't enough suspects with just the four of us? Which reminds me I also brought my plus-one, Madelyn Cline! Now we have lots of suspects.

ETHAN HAWKE

(fishes for red herrings)

KATE HUDSON

And that's not all! I've brought my assistant Jessica Henwick, star of Netflix's Iron Fi-

JESSICA HENWICK

(interrupting)

-MATRIX RESURRECTIONS, YEP, oh and don't forget UNDERWATER! Ha ha okay fine, and stupid Iron Fist. Grrr I hated that show SOOOO MUCH, just thinking about it makes me wanna MURDER someone!

(winks)

EDWARD NORTON

(arriving)

Welcome everyone! So glad to see all my old friends and OH FUCK IS THAT A FUCKING GHOST HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

(shits pants)

Ahem. I mean, hi Janelle.

JANELLE MONAE

(enigmas, icily)

DANIEL CRAIG

Hmm. Given why I'm really here that should have been a gigantic clue. But for now...

(striding forward)

Ah say ah say, m'sieur Norton, allow me tah briyang bayck mah accent foh JUST this one lyon such that ah maht moah FULLY expray-yuss mah delaht aht

EDWARD NORTON

The fuck you doing here?

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh, I received an invitation like the others.

EDWARD NORTON

But those invitations all said "to my lifelong friends that I've known for decades, it's time for our annual thing we always do as long-standing friends together", and we've never met. Why would you think that was for you? Wouldn't you assume some error and reach out to me first? Unless... unless that story is pure bullsh-

DANIEL CRAIG

NOPE JUST SILLY DUMB OL' WORLD'S-GREATEST-DETECTIVE ME BEING A DOOFUS, AH SAY AH SAY

(falls into pool)

EDWARD NORTON

Well that settles that. Now I hope everyone's ready to solve the mystery of... MY MURDER, DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

KATHRYN HAHN

Ah, I see, you're planning a fake murder which will suddenly, tragically, become the REAL murder of you. Classic setup, at least we all know to look for clues as to who might REALLY kill Ed Norton.

WRITER/DIRECTOR RIAN JOHNSON

(cackles maniacally)

INT. EDWARD'S ECCENTRIC ECCENTRIC-BILLIONAIRE RETREAT

EDWARD gathers everyone for what might be his LAST SUPPER, because today's theme is references to FAMOUS PAINTINGS.

NOAH SEGAN

(walking through background)

Don't mind me everyone! I'm just the actor Rian puts into all his movies, I don't matter! Which could be an obvious fakeout bluff, except I'm calling attention to it, so maybe it's a double triple reverse fakeout that

(folds reality in on itself)

EDWARD NORTON

Before we really get things started, and yes it's odd that apparently nothing's started yet, allow me to set up the remaining major plot elements. Hey Leslie, you know that super experimental fuel source we've been working on?

LESLIE ODOM JR.

Oh you mean Explodium, the highly unstable thing that Janelle refused to be on board with, given its super destructive qualities?

EDWARD NORTON

The same! My whole island runs on it.

LESLIE ODOM JR.

I should be fleeing the room in terror right now.

(has drink)

EDWARD NORTON

And in keeping with today's theme, allow me to introduce the actual real Mona Lisa! Yep, France loaned it to me on condition that I keep it in this special transparent case, that snaps shut at the slightest provocation. We're going to really focus on that hair-trigger mechanism as though it matters.

(dangles shiny keys)

oh also there's an override button but don't dwell on that too much.

KATHRYN HAHN

Okay, so, is it fiiinnnaallly time for Ed to get murdered already?

DANIEL CRAIG

On that note allow me to totally spoil Edward's fake murder mystery! Heh heh, you see, I allegedly did that so nobody would get carried away and kill you for real, except that given my actual motivations, I should probably have let it play out to see who would protect you.

EDWARD NORTON

Okay, well, let's just fart around until Rian says it's okay to let the audience know what the fuck they're trying to figure out, I guess?

KATE HUDSON

Sounds good! I'll be over here embodying the foibles of our culture and stuff.

(records "Imagine")

JANELLE MONAE

Grrr I can't stay silent any more! You fuckers TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME, um, metaphorically. You all STABBED ME IN THE BACK, in court that is. And I won't rest until I know which one of you LITERALLY MURDERED me, er, in Scrabble?

(leaves room)

Everyone else decides to resume the party with a rousing game of BUMPING INTO DAVE BAUTISTA and HAVING THEIR BACK TURNED IN THE VICINITY OF DAVE BAUTISTA and MAKING SUSPICIOUS CONTACT WITH DAVE BAUTISTA, and hey whaddya know suddenly DAVE BAUTISTA is bugging his eyes out and grabbing his throat and stuff! Don't look now but I think we've got ourselves a MURDER!

DAVE BAUTISTA

Fucking finally!

(self-Batista-bombs into table)

(dead)

EDWARD NORTON

OMG his drink was poisoned! And OMG, he took MY drink glass by mistake! Look, here's a flashback clip to prove it and everything!

DANIEL CRAIG

That sure is compelling video evidence that you just verbally shared with us. Hm, I see Dave's gun is missing too. Hard to say when that happened since Rian's been careful to only show Dave from the waist up for a while now. Anyhoo I must insist everyone stay here and do nothing, otherwise you might slip up and provide me with more clues.

However just then ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT and everyone DASHES MADLY ALL OVER THE PLACE!

DANIEL CRAIG

Well who am I to argue.

(dashes madly all over the place)

DANIEL finds JANELLE and is about to say something SUPER IMPORTANT but then a SHOT RINGS OUT!

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh crap, someone shot Janelle!

(pause)

And not me, the person most likely to figure out who shot Janelle.

(shrugs)

Welp, guess it's time for the Knives Out tradition of an extended flashback that completely changes everything, and where the audience realizes they've been utterly in the dark as to the real mystery all along! I wonder how many times we can do this.

INT. FLASHBACK TO DANIEL CRAIG'S SWANKY NEW YORK APARTMENT

DANIEL is busy finding two new players for AMONG US when he's informed of a mysterious visitor by his flatmate?/husband?/Watson?/Watson with benefits? HUGH GRANT! The visitor proves to be none other than...

JANELLE MONAE

Yes it's me, the twin sister of Edward Norton's ex-business-partner, who allegedly committed suicide but I'm sure was murdered. Our craftiest viewers will have anticipated the "twin sister" twist by noticing such clues as [NOT FOUND]

DANIEL CRAIG

I see your sister was sent an invitation box, which you opened by smashing the fuck out of it. Fun fact, I used the same strategy on my first Rubik's Cube.

FEBELLE TUESBE

My sister had the founding idea for Norton's billion-dollar company, which he stole. Kathryn, Dave, Kate, and Leslie lied under oath about it. Recently she found proof of that, threatened everyone with exposure, and "committed suicide" days later, while the evidence mysteriously disappeared.

DANIEL CRAIG

Hm, so the person most directly threatened was Edward. But with all the publicity of the court case, he'd have to be a FUCKING IDIOT to murder your sister.

JANELLE MONAE

That's true. He'd have to be a real BRAINLESS MORON, the kind that would BUY A SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM FOR A GAJILLION DOLLARS and then FUCK EVERYTHING UP thus LOSING HISTORICAL SUMS OF MONEY and TANKING HIS FUTURISTIC VEHICLE STOCK like a COMPLETE UTTER ASSFACE LOSER.

DANIEL CRAIG

But since we don't currently believe Edward to be a VAPID POSER HATEFUL SMALL-MINDED PENCILDICK then I guess we can rule him out. Hm.

(thinks)

I have a bizarre plan which you'll have to agree to since we've already seen it happen. We'll both go to the island and you pretend to be your dead sister. I'll keep her "suicide" out of the news as long as possible. Then we can snoop on the four suspects, and nobody else, for clues!

JANELLE MONAE

Ooh neat, kind of like the game of Clue! I hope that's not too much of a dropoff from Go, the game we referenced last movie. Do you like Clue?

DANIEL CRAIG

What, you expect the world's greatest detective to be into board games??

(gestures to shelf holding Terraforming Mars 3D edition, Wingspan Oceania, Petrichor, Cascadia, The Isle of Cats, Nova Luna, Galaxy Trucker, Alien Frontiers, Big City, Decrypto, Cubitos, One Deck Dungeon, Underwater Cities, Nine Tiles Panic, Zomax, Planet Unknown)

We REPLAY the highlights of the movie so far, but this time showing JANELLE and DANIEL working together to SNOOP on everyone, and ultimately learning NOTHING AT ALL HELPFUL. Finally we catch up to the GUNSHOT!

EXT. BACK AT NORTON ISLAND - RIGHT AFTER THE GUNSHOT

It turns out JANELLE is NOT DEAD! The shot sister that is, not ORIGINAL JANELLE who remains DEAD.

JANELLE MONAE

Surely nobody thought Rian would kill me off TWICE in one movie. I mean, c'mon.

DANIEL CRAIG

Phew! Okay let's pretend you're dead so that you can go search the only place we haven't looked for the damning evidence, Ed's office. I'll distract everyone by finally choosing to solve the mystery with the clues I've had since yesterday.

JANELLE goes hunting for the evidence while DANIEL gathers everyone else together in the one room directly connected to where JANELLE is hunting.

DANIEL CRAIG

I remember the last abridged script complaining I didn't do a "gather everyone together" reveal speech, so thank you all for gathering. You see, the key to this case was realizing that Edward's character (and by extension any real-life person that character might resemble) is in fact a TOTAL FUCKWANG IMBECILE DUMBASS PUKE-FOR-BRAINS ENTITLED OBLIVIOUS PIECE-OF-SHIT PATHETIC-

EDWARD NORTON

Okay okay we get it. Fine, I killed Bautista and Original Janelle. But you'll never prove it!

JANELLE MONAE

(entering)

Not even... with THIS EVIDENCE?!? The proof my sister found, her original notes written on this flimsy bar napkin? THIS NAPKIN RIGHT HERE THAT I AM DANGLING UNDER YOUR NOSE, EDWARD NORTON?!? LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT THIS CONCLUSIVE YET EXCEEDINGLY FRAGILE oh shit you burned it oops.

DANIEL CRAIG

Aw poop. I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do Janelle. But maybe there's still a way you can be... De La Resistance.

(winks)

(hands over mystery object, what could it be!!??!!)

JANELLE MONAE

Damn, hope you find your way into that project so we can bookend that joke. Anyhoo! I have the means of my revenge in hand, but first, gonna smash some shit!

(begins destroying glass sculptures)

KATHRYN HAHN

(waking from nap)

Huh? Oh I didn't think we were getting more lines. Um, yeah, we'll smash shit, why not.

MADELYN CLINE, LESLIE ODOM JR., KATE HUDSON, JESSICA HENWICK

(smashing things)

We're still in the movie too!

JANELLE MONAE

Ah what fun. Now back to my actual plan, detonating this Explodium and engulfing the entire island in a gigantic Hindenbergian fireball of death!!

DANIEL CRAIG

wait what

The entire complex BLOWS UP but in a way where everyone is fine. However JANELLE uses the override button to destroy the MONA LISA, putting EDWARD squarely in the nefarious cross-hairs of THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT!

EDWARD NORTON

Oh fuck, I'm ruined!! Even though when my fuel starts blowing up homes and spaceships I was probably going to be ruined anyway!!

(does Munch's The Scream)

JANELLE MONAE

And I've convinced the suspects to testify that Ed killed my sister! Which also requires confessing to their earlier perjury, thus destroying their credibility as witnesses!

(does Mona Lisa smile)

DANIEL CRAIG

Chalk up another successful case for Benoit Blanc! If you call having the Mona Lisa destroyed on my watch "successful", I guess.

(does Picasso screaming horse face)

END