FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL - HICKSVILLE, AMERICA - 1988

YOUNG CHRIS PRATT sits in the hallway listening to his WALKMAN while his MOTHER is dying of TRAGIC HERO BACKSTORY DISEASE.

GREGG HENRY

Hey, grandson. You know how I said you had to wait outside until your Mom had thirty seconds to live? Well good news, you can come in now.

CHRIS'S DYING MOM

(weakly)

The end is near, Chris. I can barely lift a finger, much less giftwrap a handmade present and attach a handwritten letter, which somehow I did anyway. All I ask now is that you hold my hand before Death's icy grip rips my soul from my body.

YOUNG CHRIS

Ew, your sick make-up is gross and scary, so no.

CHRIS'S FAMILY

Jesus, she's only asking for you to confront the harsh truth of mortality at age seven, you little prick.

CHRIS'S MOM dies and he is KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS but on the flip side is spared sitting through STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER so it's not ALL bad.

EXT. THE PLANET MORAG - 26 YEARS LATER

CHRIS PRATT, having apparently grown up into INDIANA SOLO MEETS THE ROCKETEER, approaches a RUINED CITY.

CHRIS PRATT

Since the Avengers spent the last few movies chasing a Rubik's Cube, I guess we'll mix it up and chase a Magic 8-ball this time.

He fires up his WALKMAN and eventually finds the MACGUFFIN ORB inside a LAVA LAMP. He gets it out using his PSYCHIC GRABBY THING that only grabs EXACTLY WHAT CHRIS WANTS at any given moment, but then DJIMON HOUNSOU and his WHATEVERTHEFUCKS burst in!

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Phew! Good thing you spent all that time fucking around doing a dance number, or we might not have caught up. Now hand over the Orb, or my minions will do whatever the hell they do!

However, CHRIS pulls a DARING ESCAPE and FLIES OFF!!

CHRIS PRATT

That’s me, the dashing heroic space-captain with a goofy streak who attaches plastic figurines to his flight console! Or for you Firefly fans out there, Mal plus Wash.

ALIEN GIRL

Hey babe, all I could find to wear was this mint-condition 26-year-old T-shirt of yours, hope that's cool.

CHRIS PRATT

...with a bit of Jim Kirk thrown in.

CHRIS has a SPACE SKYPE with ALIEN MICHAEL ROOKER.

MICHAEL ROOKER

How dare you betray me, boy? I raised ya since you was a kid and ya stole that Orb before I could steals it and tried to cut me outta da deal ta sells it!

CHRIS PRATT

Are... are you actually doing Space Merle right now?

MICHAEL ROOKER

Don't sass me, boy!! Need I remind you dat I am NOT only a blue metal-toothed space pirate, but I ALSO has a crazy whistle-controlled floaty death needle thingie, because I am the first movie character created entirely of Mad Libs.

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, how about this: I totally fuck you over now, and later on, you rescue me from certain death in the vacuum of space. Deal?

MICHAEL ROOKER

(grinning)

Deal!

INT. LEE PACE'S EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

LEE PACE emerges from his EVIL MINERAL BATH to get his EVIL MUD FACIAL and EVIL SAND EXFOLIANT RUB and is about to start his EVIL MANI-PEDI when EVIL CYBORG KAREN GILLAN bursts in.

KAREN GILLAN

My liege Ronan, Korath has returned from Morag, but Quill has the Infinity Stone you agreed to trade to my father Thanos, in exchange for him destroying the Kree world of Xandar, home of the Nova Corps!

ZOE SALDANA

(furiously checking marvel.wikia.com)

Dammit girl SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. You'll give the audience a fucking migraine at this rate.

KAREN GILLAN

Anyway our sources say that Chris Pratt will sell the Stone to someone called The Broker, and why the hell is there only one person for every job? The Collector, The Accuser, The Destroyer, etc? Is this a union thing?

LEE PACE

(poutily)

Ugh! Another fucking poser trying to ruin my totally awesome plans for genocide! This makes me want to brood in my room while smoking a cigarette even more than it did before! Is someone gonna get me the Orb or do I have to write a sonnet about it?!?

ZOE SALDANA

I'LL get the Orb. After Thanos killed my family he raised me to be an unstoppable assassin, in accordance with the Tulsa Doom Code of Villainy.

KAREN GILLAN

Well I bet I can get the Orb back WAY better than you could.

ZOE SALDANA

Nuh-uh.

KAREN GILLAN

Yuh-huh!

(pause)

Wait a minute, are we two named females who just had a conversation about something other than a man?

ZOE SALDANA

(thinks)

Holy shit you're right! A Marvel movie just passed the Bechdel Test! That's awesome!

KAREN GILLAN

(high-fives Zoe)

Awright! Now let's never do that again for the rest of the movie.

LEE PACE

Zoe, since you have higher billing than Karen I want you to go get the Orb back alone and without any oversight or backup. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go cut myself just to feel something again.

EXT. CORUSCAPRICARIEL AKA XANDAR

Bounty hunters CGI BRADLEY COOPER and CGI VIN DIESEL search for targets.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

I love how this planet is so corrupt, I can just stand in a public square, point my iPad at random, and pick the BEST bounty that comes up. Kind of takes the "hunt" out of bounty hunting, but whatever.

CGI VIN DIESEL

I am Vin.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

It's crazy how you saying that will never get old. Who'd have thought you'd be so good voicing a gentle-yet-deadly space alien with hardly any lines?

CGI VIN DIESEL

I am Vin.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

"Anyone who saw The Iron Giant", you say? Fair point. But I'm still amazed the casting department could somehow make the mental leap from annoying raccoon-faced asshole to Bradley Cooper.

Nearby, CHRIS goes to sell the ORB but runs into ZOE.

CHRIS PRATT

Whoa, they have Orion Slave Girls in this universe?

ZOE SALDANA

Trust me, they don't. I’m the kick-ass warrior woman, who’ll also be your icily distant romantic interest; so, Zoe plus Inara. And hey, my name's even Zoe. Huh.

(pause)

Anyway I'm here to rob you blind, but I like to chat up my marks before I steal from them because fuck the element of surprise.

CHRIS PRATT

Well funny you should mention the word "fuck" because I thought we could

(gets ass kicked)

(kicks Zoe's ass in return)

(gets ass kicked again by Zoe)

(has his & Zoe's ass kicked by CGI Vin)

(kicks CGI Bradley's ass)

(everyone kicks every possible combination of ass)

(all asses captured by Nova Corps)

INT. NOVA CORPS HQ

GLENN CLOSE is CHATROULETTING with some KREE ASSHOLE.

GLENN CLOSE

My name is Nova Prime, first cousin of Optimus. My hair transforms into a tacky Macy's Day Parade float! And nothing else. So look, how about some help with this Ronan douchebag? He is really fucking up our shit.

KREE ASSHOLE

Whatever, beeyatch. Talk to the hand.

(does triple-snap)

JOHN C. REILLY

Excuse me, we've just captured a bunch of criminals including a known agent of Ronan, the guy we're all terribly worried about? This could be the break we need.

GLENN CLOSE

Yes, she may have pivotal information! Quick, throw them all in the most corrupt prison we have so they can be summarily killed before we learn anything.

INT. SPACE PRISON - PROCESSING

Our heroes are being taken to GEN-POP when CHRIS spots a guard playing with his WALKMAN.

CHRIS PRATT

Hey asshole, don't fuck with the awesome soundtrack, it's the power source of our wider-audience appeal! And furthermore my Mom bought all that music legitimately and only made that copy for personal use, so hands off.

ALIEN GUARD

Dude, how is this thing even still working after 26 years? It and the one cassette tape you own should both be totally destroyed by now. Do they even sell Double-A batteries in space? Not to mention that BOTH L and R headphones are still working? That's just fucking impossible right there.

CHRIS PRATT

Er, no it's not, because, um, it's a SHIELD prototype that Howard Stark built from a Vibranium alloy that generates power by absorbing kinetic energy! And the tape ribbon is made of flexible Asgardian steel, forged by Odin himself! Plus, er, Bruce Banner something.

ALIEN GUARD

GODDAMMIT NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO LINK TO GODDAMN EVERYTHING ELSE YOU GODDAMN CONTINUITY NERD

(beats shit out of Chris)

ZOE SALDANA

What is it with me following guys named Chris who can't win a fight?

INT. SPACE PRISON - GEN POP

BIG BLUE NATHAN FILLION

Check it out, I got a voice cameo! Sure my voice is altered so much nobody can tell, but yay me!

CHRIS PRATT

Fillion? Hm, clearly we need to follow up on this Firefly vibe. But how?!?

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Well CGI Vin has healing abilities, and a bunch of weird powers but doesn’t say much, so that covers Simon and River. I’m a genius mechanic and small furry criminal, so Kaylee plus Badger.

CHRIS PRATT

Nice! All we’re missing is Jayne’s tough-as-nails, amoral fighting machine plus Book’s dark past and controlled reserve…

DAVE BAUTISTA

Hey there. Lee Pace killed my family and Zoe works for him, so I'm gonna kill Zoe now.

ZOE SALDANA

Well I want Lee Pace dead too, so let's team up to stop him.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Let me think about it no.

ZOE SALDANA

Well I just took your knife from you and could have slit your throat, but I didn't, so now can we team up?

DAVE BAUTISTA

Let me think about it some more no.

CHRIS PRATT

Well I can't let you kill Zoe before I get into her pants, so I say we should ALL team up.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Well when a human male says it it makes sense, so okay.

The GANG starts their ESCAPE by seizing the GUARD TOWER!

HEAD GUARD

EVERYONE AIM THEIR BAZOOKAS AT THE TOWER! NOW START FIRING ONE AT A TIME SO WE DON'T WIN TOO QUICKLY!!

But CGI BRADLEY cuts off all the ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY outside the tower!!

ZOE SALDANA

Lucky for us that each room has its own independent gravity generator, COUGHBULLSHITHARRUMPH

BRADLEY COOPER

Well, it’s not like having gravity in this room affects the plan. Now to detach the control tower from its base, which, why the fuck does it even do that?? Eh, we're outta here.

CHRIS PRATT

Awesome! Okay, you guys wait outside while I risk my life to get my Walkman back.

ZOE SALDANA

But don't you already have another tape deck installed on your ship? Where the fuck did you even get that from anyway?

CHRIS goes back and displays more of his supreme fighting prowess by SHOOTING DUDES WHO HAVE NO GUNS OR RANGED WEAPONS AND JUST RUN TOWARDS HIM. He gets the ORB and WALKMAN back and uses his ROCKET BOOTS to cross the vacuum of space back to his ship, while the exposed top of his skull SWELLS AND BURSTS OH WAIT PG-13 WHOOPS he's fine.

ZOE SALDANA

We can sell the Orb to my contact, Benicio del Weirdo. He lives in a secret information hub called "Knowhere" because we haven't found an alien race yet that can resist a horrible pun.

The GANG find the aforementioned PUN inside a GIANT FLOATING SEVERED SPACE HEAD because WELL IT'S NOT LIKE WE COULD CRAM ALL THE CELESTIALS BACKSTORY INSIDE "WINTER SOLDIER" NOW IS IT.

INT. SEEDY RESTAURANT AT THE ASS-END OF THE UNIVERSE (INSIDE THE FLOATING SPACE HEAD)

CHRIS tries to seduce ZOE with music, but she isn't having ANY of that shit.

ZOE SALDANA

Chris, I have an overwhelming need to be taken as a serious character, and bedding the first guy I meet might look bad to the unusual number of young girls in the audience, m'kay? So let's not.

CHRIS PRATT

(trying to re-wrap condom)

Yes. Of course. Right. Oh and maybe later, you could square off against one of the evil male characters!

ZOE SALDANA

Let's not go crazy.

INT. BENNY'S EMPORIUM OF RANDOM EASTER EGGS AND CULT SCI-FI REFERENCES

BENICIO DEL WEIRDO

Greetings! If you look just up and to the right, there’s Howard the fucking Duck. And now you don’t need to sit through all the credits, so you’re welcome.

CHRIS PRATT

What's the Orb even do anyway?

BENICIO DEL WEIRDO

I guess I could lie and say it's for steeping tea, but instead I will reveal that it contains an Infinity Stone that, in the wrong hands, can destroy an entire planet. Hell, in ONE wrong hand, it would easily destroy this entire building. Here, I'll open the Orb up so you can see it. Check it out! No, really. Get nice and close.

BENICIO'S DISGRUNTLED ASSISTANT

Ben? This may be a shock, but me seeing your previous assistant horribly chained in a box did NOT foster the level of employee engagement you were hoping for! You fucking suck and I deduced the best way to get back at you was to suicide myself by grabbing the Infinity Stone! Which will surely grant me a quick and painless death, so, take that!!

But the Infinity Stone has OTHER PLANS and gives the ASSISTANT an EXCRUCIATING, AGONIZING, PAINFULLY EXPLOSIVE DEATH! BENICIO's lab is in ruins.

BENICIO DEL WEIRDO

(in tatters)

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?! WHY NOT JUST HITCH A RIDE ON A SHIP INSTEAD OF BLOWING UP MY LAB HOLY FUCK

CHRIS PRATT

The hell dude, do you not have powers or abilities or spells or any way of protecting your shit? What exactly was going to stop Lee Pace from just walking in here and fucking you up? Sorry but we're taking our business somewhere else.

EXT. STREET INSIDE THE GIANT FLOATING SEVERED SPACE HEAD, PERHAPS IT'S MEMORY LANE, HARDY HAR HAR

CHRIS PRATT

Guys, we need a new plan to keep the Stone away from Lee Pace.

DAVE BAUTISTA

What was that? I couldn't hear you because I was too busy telling Lee where we were so I'd have the chance to face off against him mano a mano! I told him to come alone and not to bring any of his massive evil fleet of evil underlings because that would be a bitch move.

LEE PACE arrives with his MASSIVE EVIL FLEET OF EVIL UNDERLINGS.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Did NOT see that coming.

LEE and KAREN UTTERLY CURBSTOMP EVERYONE, get the ORB, and leave ZOE and CHRIS for dead in space.

KAREN GILLAN

Oh hey, Benicio has that other Infinity Stone, the one he got in Thor 2? You wanna grab that while we're here?

LEE PACE

Nah.

(runs LARP session of Vampire: The Masquerade)

In the aftermath, CGI BRADLEY finds BAUTISTA who's still alive because SUMMER MOVIE, and also CGI VIN who was off JERKING IT or something. They all rendezvous with MICHAEL ROOKER who has rescued CHRIS and ZOE as per their earlier arrangement.

INT. MICHAEL ROOKER'S SHIP

CHRIS PRATT

Alright guys, it’s Big Damn Speech Time. Even though it may be certain suicide, we need to use the Reavers Ravagers to fight the Alliance Accuser to get the Signal Stone to Mr Universe the Nova Corps.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Ugh, fine, I guess we're all best buds now even though we've only known each other about 3 days and spent at least half of that time trying to kill each other.

INT. LEE PACE'S WIDESCREEN-FRIENDLY EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

LEE conferences with CGI JOSH BROLIN.

LEE PACE

(blasting Marilyn Manson)

So I got the Infinity Stone.

CGI JOSH BROLIN

Cool, hand it over.

LEE PACE

(painting room black)

But then I saw you all reclining ominously on your rocket throne made of rock, and I realized: you're a total poser! I hate fucking posers! So I superglued the stone to my huge hammer staff and now I can kill the Xandarians all by myself!

CGI JOSH BROLIN

Then I suppose I'll just scowl at you instead of getting off my huge purple ass and doing anything about it. Damn, is it Avengers 3 yet?

EXT. XANDAR

LEE'S SHIP and CHRIS'S SHIP and ROOKER'S PIRATE FLEET arrive and ACT THREE OF A MARVEL MOVIE breaks out! Things are looking bad for our heroes, however, until they are joined by the NOVA CORPS!

NOVA GUY WHO WAS IN SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Ha ha, we have turned the tide with our superior numbers of fast, nimble ships! Now let's merge into a giant unmoving wall so we can throw away all of our tactical advantages all at once.

They form a giant BLANKET and BLOCK LEE'S SHIP from going directly forward!

LEE PACE

WHY IS THERE NO REVERSE ON THIS GODDAMN THING

(stomps to basement, watches "The Hunger" ten times)

EXT. THE FIELDS OF XANDAR

MICHAEL ROOKER is SHOT DOWN and finds himself surrounded by EVIL WHATEVERTHEFUCKS!!

WHATEVERTHEFUCK #12

(standing completely still)

Wow, Rooker’s flying needle totally killed that guy! Oh, and the guy next to him! And those other three guys! And that guy! Shit, and it flew into our ship and killed the pilot! AND it killed two more guys on the ground! And now it’s flying directly towards me! I wonder what will happen ne—

(is killed)

INT. LEE'S EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

CHRIS and ZOE and BAUTISTA and CGI VIN use their PENTAGRAM HAND-STAMPS to sneak past EVENT SECURITY and get aboard!

CHRIS PRATT

It's dark as fuck in here with all the black curtains and furniture. Little help, CGI Vin?

CGI VIN releases a cloud of what looks like FIREFLIES because OKAY YOU GOT IT BY NOW.

KAREN GILLAN

Not so fast! I, RoboPond, will--

(blasted by Bautistazooka)

ZOE SALDANA

Wow, nice shot Dave! Can I hang onto that for my inevitable final showdown with Karen?

DAVE BAUTISTA

Let me think about that a whole bunch no.

EXT. XANDAR

LEE orders his FLYING WHATEVERTHEFUCKS to start DIVE-BOMBING the CITY!

GLENN CLOSE

Oh shit! Evacuate the city! But be sure to leave a few dozen people behind to witness the final epic showdown.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Quick everyone! Shoot the bad guys before they kill innocent civilians! And ESPECIALLY shoot them before we start reminding anyone of any horrific current events! This is popcorn escapism dammit!!

INT. LEE'S EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

CHRIS, BAUTISTA, and CGI VIN take on DJIMON and some WHATEVERTHEFUCKS while ZOE sneaks into a security room and must face KAREN!

KAREN GILLAN

Ha! I've zapped you and made your skeleton glow! That's gotta hurt, right?

ZOE SALDANA

Strangely it has no effect at all. Now I kick you!

KAREN GILLAN

AARRRRRGHHHHH THERE WAS NO DEFENCE AGAINST THAT

KAREN falls out of LEE'S SHIP but lands on a PIRATE SHIP which she commandeers!

KAREN GILLAN

I'm not out of this fight yet!

(fucks off)

ZOE SALDANA

Phew! I’ve opened the super-reinforced blast door for the others. Now I can shoot my way through the totally-not-reinforced floor and join them! Guess we all could have come this way.

INT. LEE'S EVIL BRIDGE OF EVIL

LEE PACE

Stupid Nova Corps and their stupid blockade! Oh wait, I can shoot massive bursts of deadly energy.

(blasts Nova Corps)

Now I can crush your damaged fleet against empty air!

NOVA GUY WHO WAS IN SHAUN OF THE DEAD

WHY IS THERE NO REVERSE ON THIS GODDAMN THING

(dies)

CHRIS PRATT

NOOOOO! Taste the wrath of CGI Bradley's ubergun, dickface!!

(shoots Lee, uselessly)

Fuck, that did nothing. Maybe I should fight Goth with Goth, where's Lego Batman?

DAVE BAUTISTA

I know! I'll run at Lee full force and attempt to bludgeon him with my fists! Because that worked so well the last time I tried it when he was about 1/10th as powerful!

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

(kamikazaiing ship into bridge)

HANG ON DAVE I KNOW LEE PACE IS STRONGER AND TOUGHER THAN YOU BUT I’M GONNA CRASH INTO YOU BOTH AND HOPE IT WORKS OUT!!!!!

Somehow CGI BRADLEY gets NOBODY KILLED! However LEE'S SHIP is disabled and about to crash! CGI VIN makes himself into a GIANT BALL around our heroes.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

No Vin! This will kill you!

CGI VIN DIESEL

We are Vin.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

"This is a Marvel movie and no one ever really stays dead so see you in about 20 minutes"? Phew! I was actually getting worried there for a moment!

They CRASH to the ground! Everything is fragged except LEE, CHRIS, ZOE, BAUTISTA, CGI BRADLEY, and of course CHRIS'S ADAMANTIUM-INFUSED TAPE DECK which keeps playing music despite not having POWER or SPEAKERS.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Wow, I just survived two crash landings in three minutes. What are the odds?!?

LEE PACE

Rarrrgh, now I shall claim victory by blowing up this entire planet, with me on it! I'm sure I'll survive the blast, leaving myself adrift in space with no ship or fleet or means of communication.

(pause)

Look assholes, I'm the Accuser, not the Thinker-Aheader.

(with grand gesture)

ATTENTION, XANDAR!! BEHOLD, YOUR PATHETIC "DEFENDERS" HAVE... huh? Sorry, YOUR SO-CALLED "NEW WARRIORS" HAVE FAI... No? OBSERVE, YOUR PUNY "WEST COAST AVENG... ah... okay, what the fuck is your team name again?

CHRIS PRATT

(dancing)

It's "Randy Jackson Presents the Galaxy's Best Dance Crew", pie-hole!

(moonwalks)

(does Ickey Shuffle)

(Hammer-dances)

(backs the bus up)

LEE PACE

Am I really supposed to delay killing everyone for this?

But BAUTISTA shoots LEE'S STAFF with CGI BRADLEY'S GUN! CHRIS grabs the INFINITY STONE and begins experiencing the HYPER-ECZEMA OF IMMINENT VIOLENT DEATH!!

ZOE SALDANA

(appearing as Chris's mother)

Quick, take my hand!

CHRIS PRATT

Wow, this would have been really awkward had we actually slept together.

He takes ZOE'S HAND and manages to SHARE the power with her, along with DAVE and CGI BRADLEY and they use the power to kill LEE.

LEE PACE

Poserrrrrrrrrrrsssssssssss

(is obliterated)

They WIN!

INT. NOVA CORPS HQ

JOHN C. REILLY

Well we've fixed up your ship and patched up your hurt. Oh, and we noticed your DNA is part alien. But I guess the mystery of your parentage will have to wait for another day…

CHRIS PRATT

Mystery? Obviously Michael Rooker is my Dad. He called himself "pretty as an angel", and Mom said my father was "pretty as an angel". You think that's just a coincidence?

JOHN C. REILLY

Er, but, maybe it's Loki! Everyone loves Loki.

CHRIS PRATT

Plus there's angel ornament Rooker bought. And the crew complaining he was always soft on me. Sure he said my Dad hired him but it's kinda strange this unseen client never showed up demanding his son back...

JOHN C. REILLY

Look smartass, it's our hook for the sequel. You wanna spell out the plan for Marvel Phase Three while you're at it?

(pause)

No really, can you? Is Fillion gonna be Guardian in Alpha Flight? Please say yes.

INT. CHRIS'S REBUILT SHIP

CHRIS opens his MOM'S GIFT and it proves to be ANOTHER MIX TAPE!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh thank GOD. Listening to the same twelve songs for the last 26 years was driving me fucking insane.

(goes to bridge)

Now off to our next thrilling adventure!!

VIN DIESEL

Adventure? Maybe for you guys. I spent one goddamn day in a sound booth.

END

EXT. PRE-CREDITS BONUS SCENE - CHRIS'S SHIP

DANCING BABY CGI VIN

I am your Christmas present!

END

INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE - BENNY'S PLACE

HOWARD THE DUCK

We already said to skip this part, asshole.

END