FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBIA - 2004

Nurse SARAH POLLEY has just ended her shift.

SARAH POLLEY

And just as my hospital is being inundated with bite-related injuries. Oh well not my problem off to watch American Idol with my Doomed Hubby!

She ignores ANY AND ALL SIGNS that the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE is upon us.

SARAH POLLEY

(turns off phone)

(turns off radio)

(unplugs TV)

(smashes computer)

(stuffs cotton in ears)

(temporarily blinds self)

There, now I’m totally oblivious to all the worldwide carnage going on!

The next morning SARAH and DOOMED HUBBY are awakened when a ZOMBIE GIRL enters their bedroom.

SARAH POLLEY

Hmm. I didn’t realize zombies pick locks now. Or can they teleport as well?

DOOMED HUBBY

Oh my God! This girl’s face has been gnawed off by some type of raccoon! I’ve also had enough time to check her pulse, her pupils and blood pressure before she finally decides to attack meAHARARRAHAHAHKK!!!!

SARAH throws ZOMBIE GIRL 20 feet down a hallway because she is some kind of SUPER-HUMAN. ZOMBIE GIRL jumps to her feet like a goddamn BADASS ZOMBIE NINJA but SARAH locks her out.

SARAH POLLEY

Oh that’s it-- I forgot to lock the front door! And apparently left it open? Can zombies open doors too? Are we sure this isn’t all InGen’s doing?

DOOMED HUBBY

(zombiefied)

Sarah, have I told you how good and spicy your brains smell? Come here and give daddy some cerebellum.

SARAH POLLEY

Okay I’m out of here.

SARAH goes outside where THE PURGE is happening.

SARAH POLLEY

Wow, there sure are a lot of Olympic track stars running around here. Is there a marathon I’m not aware of?

DOOMED NEIGHBOR

They’re not track stars! They’re zomb

(comically hit by ambulance)

SARAH POLLEY

(driving away)

Oooooh, I get it, we’re not using The Z Word. This movie must take place in an alternate universes where George Romero was crushed to death by his comically huge glasses and thus never made any Living Dead films or SHIT A TREE

(crashes!)

A MONTAGE lets us know how this deadly epidemic spread across the planet by JUST KIDDING WE AREN’T TOLD JACK SHIT.

VING RHAMES

Greetings Sarah, I am a hardass cop. My defining character trait is I have a shotgun. Prove to me you aren’t a zombie by saying words.

SARAH POLLEY

Did my wide-eyed stare of pants-shitting fear not give it away?

VING RHAMES

I would have also accepted “you made Mission Impossible II watchable”. Now let’s go.

They walk for 5 seconds and find MORE SURVIVORS.

MEKHI PHIFER

I’m a thug with a pregnant wife. Don’t get too attached to us.

JAKE WEBBER

And I’m a dorky TV salesman. I’m also Sarah’s new love interest.

SARAH POLLEY

Aw man, really? Wouldn’t Ving make a bit more sense given he’s the big badass cop with the shotgun?

VING RHAMES

No, stupid. Ving Rhames doesn’t do romance. Seriously. Look up my filmography. I’m not allowed to touch a woman with a ten foot pole, and especially not the one in my pants. And if anyone in the comments says "what about Pulp Fiction?" just remember that's the movie where I had more screen time getting butt raped than with my love interest.

JAKE WEBBER

Let’s all go to the mall!

(gets adult acne)

SARAH POLLEY

Eww... uh, Mekhi, would you mind making me your side piece?

MEKHI PHIFER

I’m good, thanks.

JAKE WEBBER

(slicks back hair, makes eyes at Sarah)

SARAH POLLEY

Goddamnit.

INT. MALL

Everybody enters the mall through a DELETED SCENE.

DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER

No no, I included that scene in my Extended Ultra Director’s Cut! Leaving out important plot points in my theatrical releases is kind of my thing!

JAKE WEBBER

Soooo, looks like I’m the only white guy here so that means I’m in charge.

VING RHAMES

(loads shotgun)

(polishes police badge)

JAKE WEBBER

Yeah, that’s not going to stop me from trying to take charge and order you around.

MICHAEL KELLY

My thoughts exactly!

(takes all their guns)

Ha ha! You are now under the authority of mall security! Kevin Zeggers and a third annoying guy are my lackeys!

SARAH POLLEY

Great! That makes three new alternative love interests for me! Any of you boys interested in--

MICHAEL KELLY

No.

KEVIN ZEGGERS

Nope.

THIRD ANNOYING GUY

(shakes head)

JAKE WEBBER

(waves at Sarah)

(winks)

SARAH POLLEY

Mother-fucker.

MEKHI PHIFER

Meanwhile I’ll comfort my pregnant wife who was scratched during a badly edited zombie attack, but I’m sure she’ll be just fine! We’re so lucky!

The next day they take in a truck full of MORE SURVIVORS.

MICHAEL KELLY

What? No we’re not! Respect my authoritah!

JAKE WEBBER

(takes Michel’s gun)

Ha! The tables have turned! I’m in charge again!

VING RHAMES

Dude, you worked at a Best Buy. Why are you the one taking the lead while I, the only trained authority figure, sits back stoically? How am I not the Rick Grimes of this group? Is it because I’m... bald? Muscular? A baritone? WHAT COULD IT BE?!??!

MEKHI PHIFER

Well you were in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

VING RHAMES

(pause)

Yeah, that’s probably it. Let’s meet our new group members.

OLD SASSY LADY

I’m old and sassy! As well as sassy and old!

LINDY BOOTH

I’m Kevin’s love interest! I’m also a ginger!

DOOMED BLONDE WOMAN

I’m pretty and blonde! An DOOOOMED!

TY BURRELL

I’m the obligatory smug pompous asshole whose death the audience will cheer for!

MRS. DOUBTFIRE ZOMBIE

And I’m hungry! Blrrarar!!!!

(killed!)

SARAH POLLEY

Holy shit she was bitten! It must be the bites! BTW, how’s your pregnant wife Mekhi?

MEKHI PHIFER

Uh, not about to give birth to a horrifying zombie baby, that’s for sure.

JAKE WEBBER

I believe him.

VING RHAMES

Yeah me too.

MEKHI’S PREGNANT ZOMBIE WIFE

(killed!)

OLD SASSY LADY

(kills Mekhi!)

MEKHI PHIFER

(kills Old Sassy Lady!)

MEKHI’S ZOMBIE BABY

Come here! I’ll gum you to death!

(killed!)

SARAH POLLEY

Fuuuuuuck. This just got SUPER DARK. Who would write such a thing?

WRITER JAMES GUNN

(dapper smile)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

THIRD ANNOYING GUY

(is eaten!)

LINDY BOOTH

Buuuuut hey we found a dog!

EVERYBODY

Hooray!

INT. MALL

SARAH POLLEY

Alright I’m taking charge and I say we leave this safe secure fortress and all its plentiful food and water and comfort to sail away on Ty’s boat.

JAKE WEBBER

I agree with Sarah because she finds me sexy now that I’ve been wearing tight crew cut t-shirts.

SARAH POLLEY

Wait, I am? Jesus, my husband’s been dead for, what, a week? I really am the Lori of the group.

MICHAEL KELLY

Are you guys fucking stupid? Why would we leave this place? Besides how are we going to get through the zombie mosh pit surrounding the mall?

JAKE WEBBER

There are some buses in the parking garage we can turn into tanks!

MICHAEL KELLY

That’s dumb. You guys are dumb. I’m in.

MONTAGE (Montaaaaage! Ohhhh we need a montage!) - They turn some shuttle buses into armored SNOW PLOWS.

VING RHAMES

We can’t leave without my pen pal Andy who’s trapped in the gun shop next to the mall!

SARAH POLLEY

Hey, why not just have Andy gun down zombies from his roof all day?

VING RHAMES

He has, and that’s probably why there are so many Z’s out there because they hear the gunshots.

SARAH POLLEY

Wow, I guess if he gets eaten it’s his own damn fault.

They send LINDY’S DOG over to ANDY with food, but ZOMBIES break in.

ANDY

Oh man! I fought them off but boy do those suckers bite hard! Luckily getting bitten doesn’t spell my doom or else you guys would tell me, thus giving me the chance to end my life on my own terms, right?

VING RHAMES

Uh... just enjoy those tuna sandwiches we sent you.

ANDY

Actually I’ve got a hankering for some occipital lobe. That’s strange.

LINDY BOOTH

That dog is the only thing I love in this world even more than umbrellas! I’m going over there to get it!

TY BURRELL

I vote to let her dumb ass die over there.

KEVIN ZEGGERS

No! We leave no red head behind!

JAKE WEBBER

Alright we’ll use the sewer system. Ty, your one job is to stand by this door and let us back in when we return.

TY BURRELL

(while doing the jerkoff motion)

Sure dude, you got it.

They go over to the gun shop, kill ZOMBIE ANDY, save LINDY and the dog, and stock up on AMMO, but that shit stain TY isn’t standing by the door when they get back, compromising the entire MALL.

JAKE WEBBER

You had ONE JOB, Ty! You are officially the Jar Jar of zombie movies!

Everybody crowds into their MAD MAX DEATH MOBILES and leaves!

EXT. ZOMBIE RAVE

They drive through a horde of zombies that are just trying to listen to some sick tunes and do some ecstasy.

MICHAEL KELLY

I’ll throw a propane grenade at them! Apparently these mall buses were built to withstand explosions!

The propane tank EXPLODES and the buses ESCAPE! But a PARKOUR ZOMBIE manages to hang on to the rear bus!

VING RHAMES

I’m going to make a hard turn! Everybody be sure NOT to have any chainsaws on when I do this!

DOOMED BLONDE WOMAN

Chainsaws? Oh no! My torso is magnetically attracted to chainsawsBLARARRARARRAAHAHH

(is gruesomely hacked to death)

The rear bus JACKKNIFES! SARAH, VING, and TY are at risk!

ZOMBIE TY BURRELL

Wait-- what? I got bit? But I had a gun! How did I let that idiot parkour zombie bite

(head blown right the fuck off)

SARAH POLLEY

My only regret was not killing him the first time.

VING and SARAH get into the one remaining BUS as they are attacked by a swarm of ZOMBIE DAY PLAYERS.

VING RHAMES

The marina must be several miles away. We should be on Ty’s boat and away from here before those zombie extras catch up to us!

ZOMBIES

(obtain Flash powers and enter the Speed Force)

VING RHAMES

FuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUCK!!!!

EXT. MARINA

MICHAEL KELLY

(explodes!)

SARAH POLLEY

Well that’s one less mouth to feed. Jake, get on the boat so we can leave!

JAKE WEBBER

No, my love. I was bitten. How did you guys not see the huge bite mark on my arm?

SARAH POLLEY

Why weren’t you wearing long sleeves?

JAKE WEBBER

Everybody knows long sleeves aren’t sexy.

(shoots self)

SARAH POLLEY

Bummer. Oh well, looks like I could use a new love interest--

VING RHAMES

No, Sarah. You have Kirsten Dunst teeth.

SARAH POLLEY

(frowns!)

SARAH, VING, KEVIN, LINDY and DOG sail off to a new tomorrow, for they shall live long full natural lives free of the walking dead. Because that show is total shit now.

END

INT. BOAT - END CREDIT SCENE

KEVIN ZEGGERS

(runs out of food)

I’m so hungry!

LINDY BOOTH

(runs out of water)

I’m so thirsty! WHY DID WE LEAVE THE MALL?!!?!?!?!

VING RHAMES

Oooh look, an island!

SARAH POLLEY

(is swarmed by zombies)

We all had this coming!

EVERYBODY DIES