FADE IN:

EXT. MISSOURI - 1980

DE-AGED KURT RUSSELL and LAURA HADDOCK (MAMA QUILL) drive blissfully down the highway, singing along to "BRANDY" which is all about MEN WITH A PATHOLOGICAL INABILITY TO COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP, FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THE SIGNS WOMAN.

KURT leads LAURA into a nearby FOREST.

DE-AGED KURT RUSSELL

I know Earth women can't resist pretty floral bouquets, so, check out this weird tiny shriveled plantlike thing I made! Are your knees buckling yet?

LAURA HADDOCK

Oh. It's nice, sure... it's just that when you said you had some awesome weed, I was kind of expecting something else.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET --- THREE DECADES LATER

The GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY have been hired to fight a RATHTAR FROM THE FORCE AWAKENS on a gigantic DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION PLATFORM.

CHRIS PRATT

Okay team, remember the plan. This is where we remind everyone why they fell in love with these offbeat characters they'd never heard of before!

DAVE BLUETISTA

Yes, my shtick was to take everything literally. So in this movie I will never do that!

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Last time I learned about sacrifice and teamwork. So now I treat everyone like shit!

ZOE SALADANA

And I came to appreciate Chris as our leader. Which reminds me, Chris? Everything you attempt ends in utter failure. You dishonour your ancestors. You will kill us all.

(spits)

LI'L VIN

I am cute!

(dances)

CHRIS PRATT

Well one out of five ain't bad I guess. Right, everyone focus on Li'l Vin while we fight in the background!

They DEFEAT the RATHTAR and go to accept their reward from the OSCAR STATUETTE ALIENS.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Thank you Guardians. We are in your debt! Name your reward, and if it happens to include me fucking Chris I'm down with that.

CHRIS PRATT

Yeah? Sure, we could totes fuck. Don't suppose you're into golden showOH HEY, GIRLFRIEND STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME, GODDAMMIT CHRIS

ZOE SALADANA

Sigh. Give us my sister please.

They drag out MECHAREN GILLAN who still has NO HAND from last movie.

MECHAREN GILLAN

Not sure why I decided to steal the Oscar-aliens' expensive batteries with one hand, rather than steal a new robot hand. Anyway, ya got me.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

HUH? THE EXPENSIVE BATTERIES WE WERE HIRED TO PROTECT AND WHICH I STOLE A WHOLE BUNCH OF? THESE ONES IN MY POUCH RIGHT HERE?!?? THOSE BATTERIES?!??

(waves them around)

The OSCAR ALIENS attack! The GUARDIANS try to FLEE but are chased by a fleet of GALAGA FIGHTERS.

ZOE SALADANA

We've gotta fly through that quantum asteroid field to get to the hyperspace jump point! Everyone argue a lot so nobody notices how ludicrous the idea of a quantum asteroid field is!

They ZIP and DODGE their way through the ASTEROIDS, smashing up lots of enemy ships but as they emerge--

CHRIS PRATT

Shit, a bunch of them just flew around the asteroid field.

(pause)

Wait, we could have gone AROUND THE FIELD?!?

They get SHOT UP GOOD and seem FUCKED but KURT RUSSELL AND HIS FLYING EGG show up and OBLITERATE most of the remaining GALAGA FIGHTERS! The GUARDIANS make it through the WARP GATE but their ship CRASH-LANDS!!

EXT. FOREST PLANET

The SPACE EGG lands beside the GUARDIANS' CRASHED SHIP and its DOOR OPENS, revealing an AGED but still eminently FUCKABLE KURT RUSSELL.

ZOE SALADANA

SHIT! ESTABLISHED ACTOR IN A MARVEL MOVIE! EVERYONE OPEN FIRE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE HE-!

CHRIS PRATT

Hold up, bae. I’m getting a familiar vibe from that man’s devilish good looks and non-fucks-giving attitude.

KURT RUSSELL

Greetings. My name is Ego and I have godlike powers. This is how I vaporized all those Galaga fighters and survived in space. After which I just sat back and watched you crash-land and risked Chris dying and my entire plan going to shit, ha ha. Also, I'm Chris's Dad!

CHRIS PRATT

Wow. This gives me a lot of conflicting emotions. Not to mention burning questions about why you disappeared and never saw my mother and never oh fuck it YAYYY I HAVE A DADDY CAN WE PLAY KICKBALL IN THE LAWN HOW DO GIRLS WORK AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE ONE TESTICLE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER?!

CHRIS and KURT sit down for a CAMPFIRE CHAT while ZOE calls her BOOKIE to check the odds on KURT eventually proving to be EVIL.

EXT. SNOW PLANET - RAMSHACKLE SPACE TOWN

Grizzled blue space pirate MICHAEL ROOKER finishes up with a ROBO-PROSTITUTE and adjusts his RED SPACE MOHAWK.

MICHAEL ROOSTER

Nothing like startin' the day with a good robo-fuck. PG-13, y'all! Also fuck you, Space Pirate Leader Sylvester Stallone!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No, fuck you! You shat on our space pirate code by smuggling kids! You know we do only touchy-feely, fuzzy-wuzzy ruthless space crime!! If you die, there's NOOOO WAY you're getting a schmaltzy tearjerking funeral!

MICHAEL ROOSTER

Ha, right. If I die. This is a Marvel movie, numbnuts! Nobody dies! Ha ha ha.

Their argument is cut short by the OSCAR ALIENS processing in.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

And if anyone is thinking the Oscar gag is too much, can I point out that I just LITERALLY walked up on A HUGE CEREMONIAL FUCKING CARPET THAT WE ROLLED OUT OURSELVES. Anyway, we will pay you to kill the Guardians for us. Also have I mentioned our perfect genetic code that we painstakingly engineered to

(played off by orchestra)

EXT. FOREST PLANET

KURT and the GUARDIANS are having a CAMPFIRE CHAT while everyone tries not to think of STAR TREK V.

DAVE BLUETISTA

I thought we established Rooker was Chris's father though. In the last abridged script--

CHRIS PRATT

Huh?!? What an idiotic idea!! What moron would think THAT?!? I can't believe anyone went on record seriously arguing in favour of THAT stupid theory! Ha ha ha!

KURT RUSSELL

Ha ha, indeed!! Chris, please return with me to my planet so I can explain things. Even though there's no hurry, let's not wait for Bradley to fix your ship, so we can leave him and Li'l Vin vulnerable out here with only space criminal Mecharen Gillan for company. Cool?

INT. KURT'S SPACE EGG

CHRIS, DAVE, and ZOE meet KURT'S sidekick, YELLOW POM KLEMENTIEFF.

POM KLEMONTIEFF

Hello, I am Geisha Girl Mantis. My job is to help Kurt sleep by touching him in a special way.

CHRIS/DAVE/ZOE

(vomit)

POM KLEMONTIEFF

I also sense feelings and emotions. For example, I sense that Chris wants to feel his cock in motion inside Zoe.

CHRIS PRATT

Whaaaat?!? Ha ha ha that's silly. Why would I be attracted to the only humanoid female in our group? Ha ha ha.

DAVE BLUETISTA

We know the truth Chris. I must ask, what is it about the green Na’Vi that inflames your passions so? Is it the way she constantly belittles you and disregards your opinions? The way she jerks her head to the side and shouts with every line? I only inquire because even for a Marvel movie this love story is underdeveloped.

CHRIS PRATT

Look, as a kid I had this She-Hulk comic that made me tingly and IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS OKAY

EXT. FOREST PLANET, LATER THAT NIGHT

SPACE PIRATES attempt to ambush BRADLEY, but he effortlessly DEFEATS them until hopelessly cornered by MICHAEL ROOSTER'S DEADLY FLYING YARN NEEDLE.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

We really are committed to this ridiculous weapon aren't we...

MICHAEL ROOSTER

Haha! Well Brad, it seems you have either killed or severely wounded most of my men. For this grievous act of humiliation I suppose I have no choice but to let you live. This act of mercy will surely go over well with my ruthless pirate crew YOWZAH!!

(is shot)

MECHAREN GILLAN

Wow! That sure was a lucky shot that fried his arrow-control headset while leaving the rest of his skull undamaged! Honestly, I was trying to blow his whole fucking head off.

Since MECHAREN helped kill a whack of them last movie, the SPACE PIRATES take swift, brutal vengeance by giving her a NEW HAND and a KICKASS SHIP and NOT A FACEFUL OF LASER BLASTS because, who knows, space parlay or something.

EXT. KURT RUSSELL'S PLANET

DR. MANHATTAN KURT has created a FLOATING PLATFORM to give our heroes a tour of his domain.

KURT RUSSELL

Welcome to my Bubble Burst planet made entirely of cotton candy and unicorn farts. My actual brain is the core of this world! I'm a Celestial, and billions of years ago I was hopelessly alone in the cosmos.

ZOE SALADANA

Didn't we establish last movie that there were multiple Celest--

KURT RUSSELL

ANYway, I wanted to seek out other life. So I created a form that looked exactly like Kurt Russell living in 1980s Missouri, right down to the leather jacket.

DAVE BLUETISTA

You are seriously pitching a story where you gave yourself 1980s feathered locks billions of years before you knew humanity, or ANY other lifeforms, even existed?!?

ZOE SALADANA

Yeah, why not say you modified your appearance to match each species?

KURT RUSSELL

Clearly I think you're colossal morons, and to be fair, you seem to be buying this shit. I've even made giant dioramas in case words are too difficult for you. Behold, my gallery of interstellar conquests as 1980s Kurt Russell!

DAVE BLUETISTA

Kurt, your planet is indeed beautiful. Unlike Pom, who is hideous and disgusting. Oops, I just looked at her, I want to puke now.

POM KLEMONTIEFF

What the fuck is your problem?

DAVE BLUETISTA

I'm attempting the human art of "negging". But enough about you. What about Chris's Mom?

KURT RUSSELL

Well, it seems I showed up and we drove around and we fucked and The End. But guess what! As my son, Chris can also draw on the planet's power. Try making a glowball.

CHRIS PRATT

(creates electro-spooge from his hands)

KURT RUSSELL

Close enough! Just don't do that too often or you'll go blind.

INT. MEANWHILE ON THE PIRATE SHIP

The MEAN SPACE PIRATES have MUTINIED against MICHAEL ROOSTER and killed all the NICE SPACE PIRATES.

MICHAEL ROOSTER

Dammit Bradley, it's just you and me, stuck in a cell against half my crew. We're fucked.

(pause)

Unless they give your best friend Li'l Vin full access to the entire ship. And they leave the enhanced version of my arrow-control gizmo in an unlocked drawer somewhere. And they all fall sound asleep SO HARD that Li'l Vin can tear half the ship apart looking for it without disturbing anyone. Well, anyone except the one remaining pirate who's still my ally.

Luckily this all HAPPENS! This leads to a BIG ACTION SCENE with ZERO TENSION as MICHAEL ROOSTER kills ALL of the MEAN SPACE PIRATES by WHISTLING AT THEM, but at least this time it's kind of acknowledged how BULLSHIT the WHISTLE-POWERED CHOPSTICK OF DOOM is, so that makes it FUNNY instead of LAZY.

EXT. PLANET KURT

ZOE SALADANA is unwinding with some FLOWER MURDER when MECHAREN GILLAN flies towards her!

MECHAREN GILLAN

(blasting 58 lasers while crashing ship onto Zoe at 300 mph)

Hey sis I really think we should talk things out. I just feel like you don't consider my personal experience to be valid, y'know?

ZOE SALADANA

(firing 6000 explosive shells at Mecharen from 30,000-pound gun)

I didn't want to impose an agenda on our relationship. But maybe I was being too passive and letting it seem like detatchment. I'm really sorry and hope we can move forward together.

MECHAREN GILLAN

(furiously pummelling Zoe's face with both fists)

I'm so relieved to hear you say that! Let's make a renewed effort at communicating with each other.

Now on better terms, ZOE and KAREN spot a big glowy light in a cave and try not to think about LOST. They follow the light and find SKULLS AND SKELETONS AND SHIT, OH NOOO!!!

INT. KURT'S PALACE

Sensing the AUDIENCE knows what's what, KURT decides to reveal his true plan to CHRIS.

KURT RUSSELL

So, yeah, I'm super evil after all. I have Ego-plants on every world I visited, and by combining our powers I can make them grow and devour the entire inhabited universe. Billions will die.

CHRIS PRATT

(glamoured)

Okay, cool.

KURT RUSSELL

Really? Wow, and it only took one game of catch and a little brain-zap, I thought I'd need to make you a whole little league team or something. It's a good thing I didn't press my luck by needlessly revealing how I brain-cancered your mom, ha ha ha!

CHRIS PRATT

(snapping out of it)

Y-YOU KILLED MIXTAPE MOM?!? FUUUCK YOUUU

(blasts Kurt)

KURT RUSSELL

(being shot to shit)

Oh so killing countless OTHER people's Moms is okay, just not yours?! Honestly I CANNOT figure you humans out.

KURT impales CHRIS with a giant tentacle thing, allowing him to begin COVERING EVERY PLANET IN CREATION WITH HIS PLANTSPOOGE... but MICHAEL ROOSTER'S SHIP arrives and SMOOSHES KURT! CHRIS is freed from the tentacle-porn grip.

CHRIS PRATT

Holy shit guys, Kurt was evil after all!

ZOE SALADANA

Yesss, that's a cool 300 bucks for me. Ahem. I mean, oh no, how awful! So how are we gonna fight an entire planet?

CHRIS PRATT

Same way we always do, I guess. Quip our way out of every hairy situation and hope the special effects department’s getting paid enough to save our asses.

(pause)

I'm just glad I now realize who my real FAMILY is.

ZOE SALADANA

I'm also pleased we're back to being a FAMILY.

DAVE BLUETISTA

Yes, we are FAMILY.

LI'L VIN

(hops into turbocharged Dodge Challenger)

INT. INSIDE PLANET KURT

Our HEROES fly INSIDE THE PLANET to try and reach its CORE and destroy KURT RUSSELL'S ACTUAL BRAIN!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh, and nice job never warning me Kurt was evil the whole time I was growing up, Michael.

MICHAEL ROOSTER

I said sorry already, boy!

OSCAR STATUETTE ALIEN FLEET

(arriving)

WE'RE PLEASED TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS NOMINATION FOR BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP OH AND ALSO THIS HAIL OF DEADLY LASER FIRE

(attacks)

CHRIS PRATT

Dammit! We need to buy time to deal with Kurt. Pom, use your special touching to put him into a dazed stupor

(vomits)

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

I'll do some zany shtick with Li'l Vin where we plant a big bomb! That'll put the whole battle on hold, PLUS give us some good trailer material.

MICHAEL ROOSTER

I'm Mary Poppins y'all!! That should make our Disney overlords happy...

Unfortunately KURT WAKES UP, SPEARS CHRIS, and begins ENGULFING everyone with his GOOP!

CHRIS PRATT

Yolp! I can't think of any way out of this one! All my rational calculations are useless! What to do!

MICHAEL ROOSTER

(being covered with Ego-jizz)

I don't use my head boy! I use my... blorfffff

(engulfed)

CHRIS PRATT

Oh man I really hope you said "heart" at the end there.

CHRIS uses the power of FLEETWOOD MAC to break free of KURT'S control and fight him! Everyone gets to the SHIP except CHRIS and ROOSTER just as the BIG BOMB goes off and PLANET KURT starts to explode! CHRIS seems doomed... but ROOSTER swoops in to save him!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh thank God! Now fly us over to your ship!

MICHAEL ROOSTER

(flying into space)

I'M YOUR REAL DADDY

CHRIS PRATT

Or maybe radio them to come get us?

MICHAEL ROOSTER

(freezing to death)

I FINALLY DONE ONE THING RIGHT IN MY SORRY-ASS LIFE

CHRIS PRATT

(looking around)

Seriously where the fuck did those assholes go? Anyway I survived a brief space-freezing last movie, so I'm sure you'll be fine...

MICHAEL ROOSTER

(dead)

CHRIS PRATT

Huh. But just, like, Gwyneth Paltrow Iron Man 3 dead, right? Or Loki dead? Not...

MICHAEL ROOSTER

(Quicksilver dead)

CHRIS PRATT

Shit.

INT. THE GUARDIANS' NEW SHIP

CHRIS PRATT

I realize now that Rooker was my REAL father ALL ALONG. So in that, most important sense, it seems the last abridged script WAS right, after all.

(tears up)

Also this underlines the importance of how what you're looking for can be RIGHT BESIDE YOU.

(sneezes)

Aaaa-CHOOOOZOESHOULDBONEMEALREADY

They give MICHAEL ROOSTER a SPACE FUNERAL and all the SPACE PIRATES arrive to honour him.

VING RHAMES

Michelle Yeoh? What the fuck character are you?

MICHELLE YEOH

I was about to ask YOU that!

MICHAEL ROOSTER'S ASHES turn into a giant ARROW which becomes a multicoloured BLOB as everything gets MISTY AND BLURRY AND SHUT UP I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING.

END

INT. SO MANY BONUS SCENES

SEAN GUNN

Oh hey, looks like I'm taking on the mantle of Deadly Drumstick Dude! Phew, now there's a reason to include me in the third movie. Besides being the director's brother I mean. Wait, was that the only--

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Never mind that! I'm teaming up with Ving and Michelle and these other unknown characters to do our own spinoff, or subplot in the next film, or some fucking thing. Let's all check Wikipedia to figure out--

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Forget YOU, clown. I'm teasing a way bigger threat yet to come. The Guardians will tremble before our new creation... the SCREEN ACTORS' GUILD AWARD! THERE'LL BE NO HIDING BEHIND SPECIAL EFFECTS THERE MY PRETTIES, BWAH HA HA HA HA

TEENAGE VIN

I am rude!

STAN LEE

Hey did anyone miss my cool three-second cameo earlier? In case you did, here's a longer and worse version of it. Sure glad we saved this one for last!

END