FADE IN:

EXT. PRISON YARD

Because we are in a JAMES GUNN movie we begin with NATHAN FILLION SEAN GUNN MICHAEL ROOKER (but don't worry, the others will be along soon!) who immediately MURDERS A SWEET INNOCENT BIRD because THIS movie stars VILLAINS!! Sorry, THE VILLAINS.

VIOLA DAVIS

Okay Rooker, time for another high-stakes mission for you to complete on threat of getting your head blown off. The fate of the world is at stake but fuck calling those overpowered Justice League assholes, I'm obsessed with my Escape From New York solution to everything and by God that's how I'm gonna roll.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Do I gotta memorize a bunch of lines for this job?

VIOLA DAVIS

Almost none.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Cool.

ROOKER and the TEAM are flown to the FICTIONAL SOUTH AMERICAN ISLAND of CORTO MALTESE which, good thing there's lots of ocean on either side for all the fictional islands that continent has.

INT. PLANE

On the plane JOEL KINNAMAN and MARGOT ROBBIE prepare to lead the TOTES FOR SURE, 100% REAL AND ONLY SUICIDE SQUAD into hostile territory.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Margot, aren't you and Ella Jay Basco supposed to be living free with your tons of money from that stolen mob diamond?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Silly Joel, this is a DC movie, you KNOW "continuity" is a swear here.

PETE DAVIDSON

I got a bad feeling about this. Sure Joel and Margot are here, but I don't see Idris or Cena or the shark guy and they featured pretty heavily in the posters and shit. We might be decoys.

NATHAN FILLION

C'mon we gotta be the main Squad, we have lots of quirky offbeat powers! I can detach my limbs, we got Sean Gunn as a large CGI weasel, Mayling Ng is a cool-looking alien, Flula Borg is Euro and has a javelin, Jai Courtney has goofy boomerangs, plus there's Pete and his bizarre power to keep getting acting gigs...

MARGOT ROBBIE

(looks around)

You're right, you guys are WAY more eclectic. I almost feel we should stuck with this team for the whole movie instead.

NATHAN FILLION

Hm?

They LAND and get IMMEDIATELY SLAUGHTERED except for JOEL and MARGOT who get CAPTURED. ROOKER tries to flee so VIOLA explodes his FUCKING HEAD which also gives us a sweet BELKO EXPERIMENT callback.

EXT. ELSEWHERE ON THE ISLAND

On a different beach, the TRUE main characters arrive!

IDRIS ELBA

I play Deathstroke, sorry Deadshot, sorry Bloodsport. I'm good with weapons and I fight good.

JOHN CENA

I'm Peacemaker, I'm also good with weapons and I also fight good. Plus I have the extra power of having already lined up an HBO Max series, so good luck killing ME off.

IDRIS ELBA

I hope we can save Kinnaman and Robbie, we'll need their powers of being good with weapons and fighting good. Too bad we lost Rooker and his fighting good power.

JOHN CENA

We'd better lampshade this brutal monotony of skills in the actual movie... Oh we did? Awesome, now we're free and clear!

SHARKVESTER STALLONE

I'm big and strong, literal-minded, and have a limited vocabulary. Basically I am Grootdrax.

DANIELA MELCHIOR

I don't fight good, but I do have a magic wand that makes two million rats appear wherever we are that can swarm and defeat anything, so I guess I'm not TOTALLY useless.

DAVID DASTMALCHIAN

And I shoot energy projectiles that destroy everything in their path, holy fuck how lame is that shit. I'll just constantly defer to the Fight Good people.

IDRIS ELBA

Please do! Especially me, your reluctant leader. I'm only here because Viola threatened my daughter, with whom I have a strained relationship since-

DANIELA MELCHIOR

Couldn't Viola have just stuck a bomb in your head like the rest of us?

IDRIS ELBA

Yeah she did that too. But you need more motivation for your lead character, I mean what kind of total crap movie would leave it at "bomb in the head"?

KURT RUSSELL

WELL SHIT DUDE I DUNNO HOW ABOUT ESCAPE FROM FUCKING NEW YORK, THE MOVIE WE REFERENCE EVERY DAMN TIME, GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF

IDRIS ELBA

Okay fine. But we need my extra backstory for the heartfelt resolution my daughter has by herself watching TV and I know nothing about.

They trek through the JUNGLE a while so that IDRIS and CENA can search for new and exotic flora to measure their DICKS with. Meanwhile SHARKVESTER almost eats DANIELA and thus they become BESTIES.

EXT. GUERILLA CAMP

The SQUAD arrive to rescue JOEL by MURDERING EVERYONE IN SIGHT, even people taking a BATH because after all they are THE ASSHOLES.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Hey, what the fuck? These are good guys who rescued me. You shitheads ever heard of recon?

JOHN CENA

Look you're the military guy, the important thing is we zip right past any repercussions of this. Are we cool, rebel leader Alice Braga?

ALICE BRAGA

It's fine, turns out I still have tons of troops to use in the big finale, so fuck those other idiots. How can I help?

IDRIS ELBA

The bad guys have a hugely dangerous, intergalactic organism stored in an experimental lab. Our mission is to find it and then be laughably outclassed.

JOEL KINNAMAN

The lab's run by Peter Capaldi, his powers are delivering Peter Capaldi monologues and having a Lite-Brite for a head. We're gonna capture him at his favourite bar, first though we should rescue Margot. We really bonded during the last movie that now maybe never happened, I'm not sure.

ALICE finds them a SUICIDE VAN to pile into and they head to the CITY.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL MANSION

Meanwhile, MARGOT is taken to PRESIDENT JUAN DIEGO BOTTO'S house and given a GENERIC FLOOFY DRESS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Wow I got to wear my proper kickass Harley Quinn outfit for like one and a half scenes, way to go everyone.

JUAN DIEGO BOTTO

Welcome! The people demand I marry you, because... you're an international symbol of resisting America? Am I reading this right?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Eh, it keeps me alive and lets us shoehorn a huge long drawn-out courtship montage into this thing. Plus we can fuck right before I murder you, how zany is that!

JUAN DIEGO BOTTO

Sorry what?

(dead)

GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO

Get her! Mwah ha, now I'M the main baddie! Okay yes, we're all basically placeholders until finally Starro shows up, just hold your horses.

JOAQUIN'S MEN chain MARGOT in the basement and ZAP her with a TASER!

GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO

Tase her again, my minions! Continue applying non-disfiguring, externally invisible torture, mwah ha ha ha! Unleash whatever foul techniques you have that can be completely shrugged off by the very next scene!!

(leaves)

TORTURER

Hm, well while I think about which fluffy pillow to gently prod Margot with, lemme just check Twitter while standing with my back 1/3 inch from her legs ACK URRK BEING CHOKED AND STRANGLED BUT HOWWWWWW

(dead)

MARGOT uses her superpower of WALKING AROUND SHOOTING PEOPLE to ESCAPE while the VISUAL F/X TEAM provides a helpful distraction by snorting AN ENTIRE ROOM OF COCAINE and splaying RANDOM PSYCHADELIC GRAPHICS everywhere!!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Appreciate it, gang.

(walks out)

INT. RANDOM BAR IN DOWNTOWN CORTO MALTESE

The SQUAD infiltrate the BAR and prepare to take down supergenius PETER CAPALDI by getting SHITFACED.

JOEL KINNAMAN

(is 6'2" wearing giant cowboy hat and bright yellow shirt)

We left Sharkvester in the van though because he's too conspicuous.

IDRIS ELBA

Ha there you are Capaldi! Now take us to Starro.

PETER CAPALDI

Aren't you worried I'll use my big brain powers to outwit you, anticipate your plans, engage in various trickery?

JOHN CENA

Not really.

PETER CAPALDI

Well good because I don't do any of that. These plugs in my head may as well be extra scarf holders.

Just then SOLDIERS burst in and capture JOEL, CENA, and IDRIS while all the characters with actual superpowers GET AWAY, allowing for a big honkin' FIGHT GOOD VS FIGHT LESS GOOD escape sequence that brings us right back to just before THIS SENTENCE.

EXT. BIG OMINOUS EXPERIMENTAL LAB BUNKER THINGIE

Everyone hides in the SUICIDE VAN so PETER can drive them inside.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Everyone lie low, we need to sneak past this set of guards so that we can then brazenly massacre the next set of guards.

They DO THIS and then SPLIT UP to plant BOMBS all over the base. JOEL, CENA, and DANIELA use PETER to find the MAIN LAB!

PETER CAPALDI

Capaldi Monologue Powers activate!

(reveals evil sonic screwdriver)

Over here is our dismemberment wing, where we try out various CGI effects and see exactly how far the studio will let us go. You'll notice they all have alien starfish on their face! That's because our main subject is, big shock, Starro, the GIANT alien starfish that was brought to Earth by some dumb stupid American astronauts. For as we all know, American astronauts are PARTICULARLY susceptible to idiotic-

JOEL KINNAMAN

Hey, watch yourself pal. NASA is for ALL mankind.

(eats slice of Apple+)

PETER CAPALDI

Anyway yes, all this research has been run by the USA this whole time!! I was about to recommend we teleport Starro to the centre of New York and have it explode on arrival, thus forcing world peace, when our funding got pulled.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Well shit, we gotta blow the lid off this!

(grabs hard drive labelled "PLEASE STORE ALL EVIDENCE THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT IS BEHIND THIS PROGRAM ON THIS SINGLE DRIVE OK THANKS")

Can't stop the signal!

JOHN CENA

You know how every group mission has someone with a secret agenda? Well this time it's me! My personal secret objective is to bury that evidence, so hand it over!

JOEL KINNAMAN

Fuck you, my character's a permanent fixture of this group! You can't defeat-

(stabbed)

(dies)

JOHN CENA

AW YEAH CLASSIC GUNN SUBVERSION BABY! Now there's nobody to stop me-

However EXPLOSIONS rock the BASE! A giant TENTACLE grabs CAPALDI and drags him to his death, as the entire structure begins trembling! In the chaos DANIELA grabs the DRIVE!

DANIELA MELCHIOR

So, ah, I figure maybe we can stop worrying about the drive for a minute, given the giant alien beast about to emerge and destroy us...?

JOHN CENA

NO FUCK THAT GIMME THE DRIVE, I MUST BE THE ONE HOLDING IT WHEN WE ALL GET SMOOSHED LIKE TEENY BUGS

DANIELA MELCHIOR

Gosh it would be handy to have a magic wand that could drown you under two million rats right now.

Instead they do a CHASE! CENA corners DANIELA and is about to MURDER her when-

IDRIS ELBA

(standing atop concrete slab smashing through roof)

Hold it right there Cena! There was a whole string of bullshit events that led to this, but let's not kill our momentum by going back and walking through all of it now.

CENA and IDRIS SHOOT at each other, but IDRIS'S BULLET flies right through CENA'S and gets CENA right in the throat!

IDRIS ELBA

Ha ha, you made a crack about smaller bullets before. So I measured your bullets and had a batch specially made while we were running around the jungle.

JOHN CENA

(gurgling blood)

But... HBO... Max...

(collapses)

EXT. THE BUSTLING STREETS OF DOWNTOWN CORTO MALTESE

The surviving SQUAD gather outside just as STARRO BREAKS FREE and shoots TINY STARROS out of its ARMPIT! Luckily the SQUAD, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ZERO OTHER PEOPLE, think to COVER THEIR FACE and they alone avoid becoming STARRO-ZOMBIES!

VIOLA DAVIS

(on radio)

Okay Squad, your mission is bring the drive back to me and let Starro keep conquering the world. That way the USA's involvement in the extinction of humanity can remain secret!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Suppose we could. I'm sure Super-Cavill and Wonder Gadot will show up any time now to pummel this thing...

IDRIS ELBA

(pensive look)

Yes, perhaps that's best. Our work here... is done.

(pause)

But then again... maybe it's time... to do what's right.

STARRO

(rampaging through the city, murdering dozens of people every second)

IDRIS ELBA

After all... what would my daughter think? We may be reluctant heroes, but...

STARRO

(stomping innocent citizens into paste)

IDRIS ELBA

...maybe TRUE heroism... is found NOT where we expect, but rather...

STARRO

(jumping up and down on children's hospital)

IDRIS ELBA

...for what therefore IS truth? If we listen to history, we might think-

MARGOT ROBBIE

FOR FUCK'S SAKE DUDE CAN WE FIGHT ALREADY

IDRIS ELBA

...yes. Yes we shall. Everyone stride with a measured, heroic pace towards the non-stop catastrophic loss of life!

VIOLA DAVIS

(over radio)

Hey don't do that! I'm gonna crush your heads! I'll be crushing your heads! I see my loyal staff is going to help me push the head-destruction buttons with extra emphasis by lending me a set of sturdy golf clubs, which they are handing over one-by-one using a large swinging motion

(cuts off)

IDRIS pulls out one of his OVER-THE-TOP ROCKET RACCOON GUNS!

IDRIS ELBA

Do I, like, build these things myself? We've never seen any sign I'm mechanically inclined or anything. Anyway,

(shoots at Starro!)

(achieves fuck-all)

Well I'm out of ideas.

DAVID DASTMALCHIAN

I'll zap Starro by imagining it's my Mom! I know we've leaned on this gag too much already, but where's the harm in going there just ONE MORE time-

(smooshed)

MARGOT ROBBIE

I've still got Flula's javelin, I'll stab Starro in the eye using my insane clown powers!

(performs heroic leap)

(stabs Starro's eye)

(absorbed into alien membrane, grins like it's a bubble bath)

It's amazing what being dunked in chemicals can do for a gal.

DANIELA MELCHIOR

Right, is it finally time for me to end this?

TAIKA WAITITI

(in flashback)

Yep, I've got my cameo in, off you go.

DANIELA MELCHIOR

Okay.

(holds up wand)

(two million rats devour Starro)

Phew! That was close.

IDRIS ELBA

Plus, while you defeated Starro I also defeated my fear of rats, so really we contributed equally to our victory!

(grins widely)

And even though Joel died trying to expose the truth, let's keep the drive secret in exchange for our freedom.

DANIELA MELCHIOR

(shrugs)

Cool.

IDRIS'S DAUGHTER

(watching TV back in America)

That's my Dad, helping to cover up government atrocities for his personal gain!

(tears up)

SHARKVESTER STALLONE

When exactly did I stop mattering to this entire movie?

Chalk up another successful mission... for the THE SUICIDE SQUAD! And the POST-CREDIT SCENES reveal that CGI SEAN GUNN and JOHN CENA are in fact STILL ALIVE, so start looking forward to the high-octane HBO MAX series WEASEL: FOR HIRE starring CGI SEAN GUNN!

END