The Abridged Script
INT. RICH "SWANK"-Y ROOM WITH AN UNKNOWN MYSTERY ACTRESS YOU'LL NEVER GUESS, IF YOU DID THAT'D BE "HILARY"-OUS
Our TOP SECRET CAST MEMBER is only seen from behind as she participates in a GROUP TEXT.
so i was at the grocery and some bitch took the last can of the hunt brand tomatoes i really like
omg what an asshole
we should totes kidnap her along with a dozen others then go to our top secret eastern european compound and graphically murder them in a super convoluted way haha lol i'm so random
wtf r u trying to start a blumhouse movie or something
And with that we ZOOM in on the words THE HUNT, AW YEAH HERE WE GOOOO!
INT. PRIVATE JET
A group of SMUG RICH DOUCHES are DOUCHELY SMUGGING AT 30,000 FEET when a CRAZED MAN suddenly emerges from a back compartment!
Hey, coach class isn't allowed leg room! Or arm room, or body room! You're supposed to be tied up and sedated with no fluids over 8 ounces!!
ARRGH BLARGH RARGH
DOUCHEYRICH SMUGSWORTH III
I'll handle this even though I'm not Bradley Whitford, only a Bradley Whitford type!
(stabs Crazed Man in the eye with her stiletto)
(slits his throat with nail file)
(rips out his intestine with mascara brush)
The now-DEAD GUY is thrown back into COACH where we also see TIED-UP PEOPLE including-
EXT. THE MOST DANGEROUS HUNGER GAMES
EMMA ROBERTS (AMERICAN HORROR STORY, WE'RE THE MILLERS) wakes up gagged in a strange forest, and sees BETTY GILPIN making a compass from a leaf and tiny metal thing, WEIRDLY.
EMMA finds a big huge clearing with OTHER GAGGED PEOPLE around it and a GIANT WOODEN BOX in the middle. A BALLCAP GUY is about to OPEN the box despite everyone else glaring at him with a LOOK ASSHOLE THIS COULD BE A SAW MOVIE, YOU DON'T JUST OPEN RANDOM SHIT IN A SAW MOVIE expression.
(gagged, so let's say projecting his thoughts)
Oh come on! They wouldn't go to all this trouble kidnapping us, drugging us, transporting us halfway across the world, gagging us, and setting up a bazillion traps, just to slaughter us in five seconds in this field, right?
Inside the BOX is a DRESSED-UP PIG and a BUNCH OF WEAPONS!
Phew! I dunno about you but I didn't see any airholes on that box. Laters!
Inside the door panel EMMA spots an envelope with keys to release the gags, which she shares with someone we'll call CW CHIN GUY.
Right, time to start slaughtering them in five seconds in this field! Open fire!
Yoiks! Well I'm not worried, since I'm the POV character-
(head blown the fuck off!)
CW CHIN GUY
Ah ha, this was all a sneaky way to introduce ME as the POV main chara-
(blown the fuck up!)
Please, as the Big Name Actor in this group, clearly I'M the POV main character! Follow me!
(does not follow)
IKE and some other TRIBUTES race towards the treeline! One of them falls in a PIT, is IMPALED, gets DRAGGED OUT, then BLOWN UP and her torso falls BACK IN THE PIT AND IMPALED AGAIN and yet she is SOMEHOW STILL CONSCIOUS because she is in fact GWENPOOL.
Yeah I think I've had enough punishment for one movie, thanks.
(shoots self in head)
IKE'S GROUP reaches a FENCE! Three of them get over but-
(shot with arrow)
Argh, shit! Fine, guess I'll be your Boromir for this battle.
(filled with arrows)
(blown the fuck up)
What the hell guys, those were expensive arrows! Sheesh!
EXT. AMERICAN-STYLE GAS STATION
IKE and his two sidekicks find their way to a lonely decrepit GAS STATION. They wait for the WALKING DEAD crew to pack up and then RACE IN!
What a stroke of luck to find this gas station, so close to the minimal fencing around the land where our kidnappers are gleefully setting off explosions left and right, without fear of consequence! So, elderly owners, have you already called 911 about all the loud explosions nearby?
Ah no, because... we're so old! That's it.
IKE grabs the phone and dials 911.
Hello. What is your emergency, you piece of shit.
I'd like to report multiple crimes in the vaguest and least helpful way possible!!
Duly noted, assbag. Now go apply some constant pressure to your fuck ugly face.
We're rescued, hurray!
This gas station saved our lives! In gratitude allow me to gorge on every powdered donut in your entire store without paying UGHH ACKK URRRGH POOIISSSONNN
And I shall also freely breathe in the store's air without paying AACKK FNURTZ POOIISSSONNNN
Oh my God, why? Why, you miserable old fucks, WHY?!?
Why do you think, you Del-Monte-loving asswipe! You're not good enough for Hunt's tomatoes anyway!
...Are we really sticking with the dumb tomato gag?
Why not, it has as much connection to reality as the actual movie script. But okay fine, let me check my list of topical buzzwords... um, climate change! Social justice! Greta Thunberg!
(shoots the fuck out of Ike!)
The evil old fuckers CLEAN UP the murders just in time for BETTY GILPIN to arrive!
Ah'd like some cigarettes please.
Oh okay... want to call 911 maybe? Steal and eat some merchandise right in front of us? Perhaps browse a magazine underneath that suspended fishnet full of machetes?
No thanks. I'll just take my change and WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S NOT WHAT SMOKES COST IN ARKANSAS AND I MEMORIZE THE COST OF EVERY GOOD IN EVERY STATE EVERY DAMN MORNING, IT'S HOW I WAKE UP SINCE I QUIT COFFEE, CAFFEINE MAKES ME POOP BUT I'VE ALREADY SHARED TOO MANY DETAILS
(murders the FUCK out of evil old couple)
BETTY goes outside to a parked TRUCK but notices something is off.
A-ha, underneath this Arkansas plate... is some kind of Eastern European plate! Nice of them to keep the original underneath and not simply swap the plates out like normal people.
Oh and it's rigged to explode, that's perhaps more important.
BETTY hides from a DRONE but the DRONE is shot down by another TRIBUTE, ETHAN SUPLEE!
You numbnuts, now they know we're here.
Oh and you murdering the old fuckers didn't tell them that?
Fuck you, you clearly have no tactical sense and are a giant liability. Being anywhere near you is a one-way ticket to deadsville. Now come with me to these train tracks I found.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS
BETTY and ETHAN find a TRAIN, and they HOP ON!
Oh shit, refugees! That seems a bit too real for this movie but sure, let's try it out.
Fake libtard lamestream access media snowflake!!
(shakes head, weirdly)
Shoulda stuck to the tomato gag.
The train is STOPPED by CROATIAN SOLDIERS as they are, in fact, in CROATIA!
ACTUALLY SMUGDOUCHE FAKE REFUGEE
I gotta level with you, I am fake. The others are real. Part of our evil plan was me hiding amongst real refugees on a random train, just in case somebody happened to reach the tracks, just happened to encounter this exact train, and just happened to get onto this exact car.
Okay for that you get a grenade down the pants.
ACTUALLY SMUGDOUCHE FAKE REFUGEE
ETHAN slips away but BETTY is detained for questioning, where she tells her wacky tale.
CROATIAN MILITARY GUY
Well you're in luck. Your bizarre story happens to corroborate the bizarre story of another American we found.
So you believe me that there's people being murdered in a nearby forest? You gonna do something?
Oh dear, Americans are killing each other, let me get right on it.
(starts "The Irishman")
BETTY gets some food with the other American, WAYNE DUVALL, whom we last saw in the big open field. An American AMBASSADOR arrives to drive them to the EMBASSY, hurray!
It's my duty and privilege to get you back safely to American soil, you fuckwits. You've been through a lot, but what matters is, you're fucking pond scum. And you're safe now, you Godforsaken snot-licking shitstains.
(rolls eyes to back of head)
(boots Amassador out of car)
(rolls car's boot over Ambassador's head)
Whuh?!? How'd you know?
I seem to be fully aware that we're in a Blumhouse flick and am making my choices accordingly. Now let me tell you the story of the tortoise and the hare, except at the end the hare fucking murders everybody. Also the tortoise was a meth head, Jack Sprat had a gambling addiction, and Old Mother Hubbard? HOOOOO BOY.
What does that have to do with anything?
Not a lot, other than "let Betty act weird and say weird shit" is one of best things this movie has going for it.
In the TRUNK they find DEAD ETHAN SUPLEE and also a MAP, which gives the location of-
INT. THE DOUCHEBUNKER
Inside the bunker, the SMUG DOUCHES continue to shine a keen satirical light on the issues of our time.
SMUGSLY Q. DOUCHE-BAGGINS
woke gender vegan
DOUCHEIBALD P. SMUGGSBOROUGH
carbon appropriation footprint
But BETTY busts in and MURDERIZES THE FUCK out of them!
(crackling to life)
Come in Wayne! Wayne Duvall, come in! Are you still undercover WAYNE?!? WAYNE PLEASE REPORT ON YOUR DECEPTICON STATUS
That's an obvious attempt to divide us! If I were a double agent do you really think they'd blab that fact over an open radio?
True. But a theme of this movie seems to be that everyone is shitty in some way, so...
BETTY sits down to talk to the ARMY CONSULTANT GUY hired by the DOUCHENOZZLES, as he lies terribly wounded.
Tell me where to find Mystery Actress. It's time we finally did the big reveal.
(hides movie poster)
ARMY CONSULTANT GUY
Why? Why not just escape...
You see the thing is that
(incredibly weird look)
(another super bizarre look)
So you see how that means that
(stares a hole in space-time)
ARMY CONSULTANT GUY
Okay okay here's directions, please just shoot me and move on.
INT. FLASHBACK -- HIGH-POWERED FANCY-PANTS OFFICE
We go back several months to when MYSTERY ACTRESS is called to an important meeting!
Somehow your private texts were shared all over the Internet and we here at Hunt's Tomatoes can't condone what you said. Yes, we're back to that again. You're fired, meaning your stock options are forfeit and you have to finally show your face to the camera.
The camera DRAMATICALLY SWINGS AROUND to reveal the mystery actress is none other THAN!!!!!
Seriously why were we so damn coy about this? Anyway I'll show you assholes, by actually DOING the reprehensible shit that you fired me for joking about, thus proving myself to be EVEN MORE EVIL than you thought I was! Ha ha, you'll regret firing me THEN.
INT. THE PRESENT - HILARY'S PALATIAL CROATIAN VACATION STATION
BETTY arrives and finds HILARY in the BIG FINAL SHOWDOWN KITCHEN.
Before we killify each other, would you like to do any villain-justification speechifying?
Sure! You guys were mean to us on the Internet so we spent vast heaps of money to extract brutal revenge. That pretty much covers it.
Wow, you remade the ending of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Congrats!
Nuh-huh, this was all George Orwell's Animal Farm, because we had pigs and stuff.
But you made one critical mistake. You thought you kidnapped a bunch of strawmen for your strawmen to murder, but in my case you fucked up and grabbed the wrong person. Through the sheer force of my unwavering weirdness I've created a fun engaging character despite all this bullshit going on. You're so fucked!
Okay, but, I'm wearing super stylish riding pants. That counts for something right?
They COMMENCE BATTLE!! The epic struggle BUSTS THE LIVING HELL OUT OF MOST OF THE HOUSE AND A GOOD CHUNK OF EACH OTHER and ends with them TAKING TURNS jamming a FOOD PROCESSOR BLADE into each other's GUTS. However BETTY remembers to do so in a FATALLY WOUNDING way, and HILARY does NOT, so BETTY WINS!
Dammit, I'm so bad at following recipes...
Ah, some alcohol and fire on the outside of my gaping wound will deal with all that pesky internal damage. There!
BETTY takes some time to change into one of HILARY'S EXPENSIVE DRESSES, grabs some ZILLION DOLLAR CHAMPAGNE and PREMIUM RESERVE HUNT'S DICED TOMATOES, and finds the PRIVATE JET outside.
Hey everybody! I just murdered your employers and I'd like a ride please. My boarding pass is this loaded gun. Now I don't want any funny business-
Oh my god like we GIVE a shit, real-life events have delayed this movie so much we've been sitting around waiting to take off, for like, MONTHS now. We're just glad to get off the fucking GROUND.