"Ha ha, now Green Lantern shall be POWERLESS before us! Nyah ha ha, BWAH HA HA HA HA sorry, what?"

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 [AUTHOR'S CUT]

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. MISSOURI - 1980

DE-AGED KURT RUSSELL and LAURA HADDOCK (MAMA QUILL) drive blissfully down the highway, singing along to "BRANDY" which is all about MEN WITH A PATHOLOGICAL INABILITY TO COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP, FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THE SIGNS WOMAN.

KURT leads LAURA into a nearby FOREST.

DE-AGED KURT RUSSELL

I know Earth women can't resist pretty floral bouquets, so, check out this weird tiny shriveled plantlike thing I made! Are your knees buckling yet?

LAURA HADDOCK

Oh. It's nice, sure... it's just that when you said you had some awesome weed, I was kind of expecting something else.

EXT. THE SOVEREIGN PLANETS --- THREE DECADES LATER

The GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY have been hired to fight a RATHTAR from the FORCE AWAKENS on a gigantic DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION PLATFORM.

CHRIS PRATT

Okay team, remember the plan. This is where we remind everyone why they fell in love with these offbeat characters they'd never heard of before!

DAVE BLUETISTA

Yes, my shtick was to take everything literally. So in this movie I will never do that!

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Last time I learned about sacrifice and teamwork. So now I treat everyone like shit!

ZOE SALADANA

And I came to appreciate Chris as our leader. Which reminds me, Chris? Everything you attempt ends in utter failure. You dishonor your ancestors. You will kill us all.

(spits)

LI'L VIN

I am cute!

(dances)

CHRIS PRATT

Well one out of five ain't bad I guess. Everyone focus on Li'l Vin!

LI'L VIN does an ADORABLE DANCE ROUTINE while more SCI-FI ACTION happens than in the ENTIRE JOSH TRANK FANTASTIC FOUR MOVIE. In the background. As a gag.

DAVE BLUETISTA

While Li'l Vin has the audience and the Rathtar distracted, I'll leap inside the beast and kill it!

CHRIS PRATT

That's so dumb! Its skin has the same thickness from both sides!

DAVE BLUETISTA

Obviously. But it's not unreasonable to think that the MEMBRANE on the OUTSIDE is significantly tougher than the MEMBRANE on the INSIDE, right? Given how nutrients need to be absorbed by the inner workings of

ZOE SALADANA

No, you are clearly an idiot. Instead, I'll swordkill the Rathtar thanks to it having a tear on its OUTER MEMBRANE, revealing the soft squishy tissue beneath!

DAVE BLUETISTA

BUT THAT IS EXACTLY THE SAME LOGIC I WAS USING FOR FUCK'S SAKE

They DEFEAT the RATHTAR and go to accept their reward from the OSCAR STATUETTE ALIENS.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Thank you Guardians. We could not risk any of our perfect citizens fighting the beast. Therefore we needed you, even though we have a giant fleet of remote-controlled fighter ships that would not risk any of our lives. Oh have I mentioned our perfect genes? Let me launch into a huge explanation of all that for no reason. Then Chris and I should fuck.

CHRIS PRATT

Oh yeah? Sure, we could totes fuck. Don't suppose you're into golden showOH HEY, GIRLFRIEND STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME, GODDAMMIT CHRIS

ZOE SALADANA

Sigh. Give us my sister please.

They drag out MECHAREN GILLAN who still has NO HAND from last movie.

MECHAREN GILLAN

Seems I decided to steal the Oscar-aliens' expensive batteries with one hand, rather than steal a new robot hand. But ya got me.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

HUH? THE EXPENSIVE BATTERIES WE WERE HIRED TO PROTECT AND WHICH I STOLE A WHOLE BUNCH OF? THESE ONES IN MY POUCH RIGHT HERE?!?? THOSE BATTERIES?!??

(waves them around)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

What?!? How dare you! We thought you were Moonlight but instead you're just fucking La La Land!! Kill them all!

The GUARDIANS try to FLEE but are chased by the OSCAR ALIENS' fleet of GALAGA FIGHTERS.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Shoot them down! Shoot them with all the lasers so we can recover our highly explosive super valuable batteries and oh WOW we are not thinking this through.

CHRIS PRATT

We've gotta fly through that quantum asteroid field, to get to the hyperspace jump point! Everyone argue a lot so nobody thinks of how ludicrous the idea of a quantum asteroid field is!

ZOE SALADANA

Eh, this sequel's got surprise parentage, heroes splitting up, and a snow planet, why NOT an asteroid field chase. Let's do this!

They ZIP and DODGE their way through the ASTEROIDS, smashing up lots of enemy ships but as they emerge--

CHRIS PRATT

Shit, all the others just flew around the asteroid field.

(pause)

Wait, we could have gone AROUND THE FIELD?!?

They get SHOT UP GOOD and seem FUCKED but KURT RUSSELL AND HIS FLYING EGG show up and OBLITERATE most of the remaining GALAGA FIGHTERS! The GUARDIANS enter the WARP GATE pursued by the remaining OSCAR SHIPS.

DAVE BLUETISTA

Since Chris's badass pirate ship apparently has no rear guns, I'd better open the cargo bay and shoot from there, while securely anchored so that I can actually aim. And by "securely anchored" I mean while flailing around in space attached to a rope of course! Wheeee!!!

They go through the WARP GATE but are DAMAGED and have to CRASH-LAND!!

ZOE SALADANA

DON'T WORRY DAVE! I'VE GOT A HOLD OF YOUR ROPE, I'LL DRAG YOU BEHIND US AS WE CRASH THROUGH AN ENTIRE FOREST

DAVE BLUETISTA

(being slammed into trees at 200 mph)

At a certain point I think Zoe just LETTING GO would actually cause me LESS damage.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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