FADE IN:

INT. POLITICAL RALLY, POLITICAL PARTY HQ

HARRISON FORD has just been elected NEW WILLIAM HURT and also PRESIDENT.

HARRISON FORD

Thank you everyone, for embracing my platform of recognizing Endgame AND Eternals while eradicating all references to that shitfest Secret Invasion, including their dumb President whoever that was. We killed off Cobie Smulders and Ben Mendelsohn for absolutely nothing, yay!

CROWD

(cheers)

HARRISON FORD

So now that we've done the winkfest circlejerk that was Deadpool & Wolverine, time for a more serious gritty 70s-echoing spy-ish thriller! And I promise we won't scale things down so much that it just feels like half a Disney+ series, nope.

CROWD

(coughs nervously)

HARRISON FORD

But without further ado, let's bring out my amazing running mate, Vice President [TBD]!! Let's give [pronoun] a hand, folks!

EXT. SOMEWHERE ABROAD - FIVE! REGULAR! MONTHS! LATER!

An AMERICAN MILITARY PLANE flies towards a target accompanied by ANTHONY MACKIE, THE NEW HIGH-FLYING CAPTAIN AMERICA! On the plane is ANTHONY'S sidekick DANNY RAMIREZ!

DANNY RAMIREZ

That church below is where Giancarlo Esposito is about to sell his stolen cargo to a mysterious buyer. You know the plan, Cap!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Wait two minutes and lead an entire squad of highly trained soldiers in there?

DANNY RAMIREZ

Fuck no, the plan is you charge in alone and everyone else will catch up, eventually!

CAPTAIN MACKIE swoops down and starts PUMMELING BAD GUYS with his REGULAR GUY STRENGTH!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Don't forget my indestructible shield which I also throw around with my regular guy strength!

(wallops baddies)

Inside the CHURCH, GIANCARLO is holding members of the clergy HOSTAGE!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Talk, you fucking priest! Where's the buyer?!? Obviously this whole elaborate "church" thing is a front and you're agents of a shadowy worldwide network, right?!?

PRIEST

(dissolves into jelly)

THUG

(over radio)

Alert! Captain Mackie is here, everyone commence shitting bricks! Don't forget he's got vibranium wings that absorb/repel energy, and special gauntlets that shatter cinderblocks, and the shield, and reinforced armour, and robot drones, all of which he lugs around with his regular guy strength!!! AAGHH

(pulverized)

ANTHONY stomps everyone but GIANCARLO manages to slip away.

DANNY RAMIREZ

Plus I recovered the dangerous package thanks to having the Falcon suit, which I have repainted to be as fuck ugly as humanly possible. Go team!

(high-fives Anthony)

ANTHONY'S ARMY BUDDY

Good job you two. Save some for us next time! Ah, sure is great being your old Army buddy.

(makes down payment on funeral)

(drafts obituary)

ANTHONY MACKIE

Danny, I think it's time for you to get some specialized training. Lucky for you I know a CERTAIN SOMEONE--

(winks)

DANNY RAMIREZ

OOH OOH OOH is this gonna be a huge MCU cameo?!?

(pause)

It's someone from your Disney+ series isn't it.

ANTHONY MACKIE

(winks)

INT. SNAP FITNESS GYM, MEMBERSHIP NOW 50% OFF WHOOPS TOO LATE, BACK TO 100%

ANTHONY takes DANNY to meet super soldier CARL LUMBLY!

DANNY RAMIREZ

Oh gosh, the "Forgotten Cap"! Your war exploits rivaled Steve Rogers, but then you were jailed and experimented on for 30 years in a colossal travesty of justice, something that haunts the conscience of America to this day.

(pause)

You sure are OLD huh? Wanna watch Matlock while hiking your pants up because you're so FUCKING OLD?!?!?

CARL LUMBLY

Piss off. Before I deal with you I'm gonna spar with Anthony, so he can show off all the advanced fighting moves he got by being friends with Chris Evans. And when I say "spar" I mean I'm gonna cave his fucking head in if he loses focus for one millisecond.

However their session is interrupted by an important phone call from HARRISON!

ANTHONY MACKIE

(concludes call)

He's invited us to the "Okay, Fine, The Eternals Happened" summit. Which, I dunno. We all have doubts about Harrison and even though he's President now, if it turns out he's some kind of horrible garbage scumbag evil traitorous criminal Nazi idiot shitstain hateful narcissist fuckwit, then I think our sense of honor would oblige us to

(reshoots)

WE'RE GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE BABYYYYYYYY

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - THAT EVENING

Our brotagonists attend the SUMMIT where HARRISON presents a super duper holographic slide deck.

HARRISON FORD

Ahem. As everyone here knows, ever since the Celestial appeared in the Indian Ocean, every major surrounding power immediately scrambled to claim it.

(pause)

Well, not EVERY power. Once we removed the countries Disney's too chickenshit to mention, that left us with Japan, India, and, um...

(checks notes)

...FRANCE?!? Seriously? Fuck even Canada would be more plausible, oh wait they're on the no-talk-about list now.

(shakes head)

Anyway it turns out that Celestial Island is made of, as has been leaked copiously online... ADAMANTIUM aka Wolverine bone-enhancer, talk to your doctor! Which means that Gemma Chan transmuted the entire thing into adamantium, how the fuck did she know what that even is??

(shrugs)

But what matters now is that we all sign a Treaty to develop adamantium together and share it with the world, not like that stupid "isolationist" Wakanda that stopped being isolationist back in Black Panther 1 and gives every MCU hero vibranium shoelaces if they ask nicely.

Suddenly a RETRO SONG WITH INEXPENSIVE REPRODUCTION RIGHTS plays over everyone's radio, and CARL grabs a GUN and SHOOTS AT HARRISON!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh shit, I think Carl's under MMMMMMMMMIND control, did fucking Whedon ghost-write this? Stop it Carl!

(fights)

CARL flees the room but there are FOUR more shooters!

DANNY RAMIREZ

And there's FOUR of us left to fight them! What luck!

(fights)

Okay, I've defeated my foe with the advanced fighting moves I got by being friends with Anthony!

ANTHONY MACKIE

(defeats shooter)

Four more?! Thought it was just you and me?

HARRISON FORD

Well I got to punch a guy because I used to be good at this action stuff.

SHIRA HAAS

And I smooshed a guy using the Black Widow moves I got from being a Black Widow! Hello audience, I was totes in the Black Widow movie but, um, always standing behind someone. My character's last name is "Bat-Seraph" but everyone says it like it's a pun on "Bets Are Off".

XOSHA ROQUEMORE

(touches earpiece)

Good news Mr. President, we've arrested Carl with extreme poignancy. And hello audience, my character is Anthony's friend in the Secret Service and I probably won't get any more lines in this abridged script since I don't, like, affect the story or whatever.

HARRISON FORD

Grr! I want Carl locked up right now on Death Row! Clearly he wanted revenge for his years of torture and imprisonment!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Or, he was under MMMMMMMMIND control, which in the MCU is slightly less common than breakfast for dinner. Besides, are we just gonna ignore the other four shooters, all loyal members of the military and Secret Service with no reason to murder you, who turned into blank-faced robots at the exact same time?

HARRISON FORD

Damn right we are! Now GET OFF MY, ah, PLAIN carpet which I chose for the White House not wanting to be ostentatious JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY

EXT. CITY STREET, JUST PAST THE CORNER OF WINTER BLVD. AND SOLDIER LANE

ANTHONY is driving around when suddenly he's ATTACKED by GIANCARLO!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

(shooting, throwing explosives)

Haha fuck you! The buyer who totally backed out of our last deal, just offered me double to kill you instead! And when he doesn't pay for this I bet he'll offer QUADRUPLE next time!

ANTHONY MACKIE

I may not have my gear but I'll still fight you!

(stabbed)

(shot)

(impaled with hatchet)

Ow, I almost felt that. Good thing I wear Kevlar 24/7!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Yes but my weapons clearly went THROUGH all that and pierced your regular human anatomy, so--

ANTHONY MACKIE

So nothing, I use Kevlar body spray every morning, ha ha!

(stabs Giancarlo)

Note that I've stabbed you in the exact spot to make you unable to fight, but also not die, us MCU heroes are SO good at that.

As ANTHONY strikes a heroic pose of victory GIANCARLO'S PHONE rings.

TIM BLAKE NELSON

(on phone)

Hello Captain. I sure hope you don't TRACE this CALL, hee hee. Sure would suck if you came found me! Ha ha ha. Though later on, apparently I didn't want that, and this phone call is just a big ol' fuckup on my part. Huh. Anyway I have some more sinister calls to make, toodles.

(hangs up)

INT. AIR FORCE ONE, OOOOH HERE IT COMES RIGHT

HARRISON is doing PELOTON when he, too, gets a CALL!

HARRISON FORD

(answering)

This better be good news about my Treaty! I know the Treaty's been jeopardized by the events of the Treaty summit but I entreat everyone to not retreat but treat my Treaty to treats treaty treat treat

TIM BLAKE NELSON

(on phone)

Hello, Mr. President. It's me, the evil guy you already know is evil, just calling to remind you about my evilness. Doesn't this unnecessary scene make you.... ANGRY?!?!???

HARRISON FORD

Listen you, GET OFF, um, the phone while I'm on MY PLANE!!

(hangs up)

Ooh I sure hope that meddling Captain Mackie isn't trying to save the day or anything!

INT. MYSTERIOUS ABANDONED MILITARY BASE

ANTHONY and DANNY track the phone call to the BASE, BREAK IN, and since it is crawling with heavily armed soldiers they leisurely stroll around, casually poke about, basically doing AMONG US on ALREADY KILLED mode, eventually finding a SECRET LAB.

ANTHONY MACKIE

I'm thinking this is where we'll find the shadowy villain who's behind all this. And given the movie title I'm expecting either Shakespeare or Aldous Huxley...

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

(turning lights on dramatically)

NEITHER! It's me, making my long-awaited debut as classic villain The Leader, or possibly lesser-known villain Pesto Spaghetti Head, I'm not sure!

DANNY RAMIREZ

So all this tech and biometric data, you're the one using all the-

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

-MMMMMMMMMIND control, yep. Though I like to think my flavour is more Purple Man and less Whedon, but whatevs. As I was just reminding Harrison, we've been working together but now it's time for my revenge. Don't fret though, we'll remind the audience a few more times. Now you must fight my mind-controlled guards!

(flees)

ANTHONY and DANNY use their heroic skills to overcome a half-dozen hypnotized shambling guards! Then the OTHER half dozen show up but they are defeated by--SHIRA!

SHIRA HAAS

Don't worry guys, I'm on your side. I've been using my scenes to discover the same things you have so that the audience can be walked through the plot even more. So that's the good news, bad news is Harrison ordered your arrest.

NON-HYPNOTIZED FBI agents appear to arrest ANTHONY and DANNY.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Darn it, despite everything we must respect the authority of the state. I nobly agree to be detained.

But then GREEN BLAKE'S SONG comes through radios and HYPNOTIZES ALL THE FBI!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh good now we can bust loose and escape! Thanks!

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

Fuck.

(pouts)

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

Back at the House HARRISON FORD is having an AWFUL DAY.

ADVISER

The Japanese PM says he has evidence that we hired Giancarlo to steal the adamantium in the first place. Japan's fleet is heading to Celestial Island right now!

ADVISER 2

Plus the U.N. just called to say your daughter Liv Tyler still doesn't love you, and also that you're a big poopy pants who eats poop!

HARRISON FORD

Arrrgh this is so STRESSFUL, quick, where's my special pills I get on the down-low from a supervillain I've kept imprisoned for 20 years?!?

(pops handful of pills)

Aaaah that's better.

(elbow grows five sizes)

EXT. ANOTHER SECRET MILITARY BASE BUT FOR GOOD GUYS

ANTHONY, DANNY, and SHIRA arrive to seek assistance from ARMY BUDDY GUY.

DANNY RAMIREZ

Wait a sec, anyone here might be one of Nelson's sleeper agents. Luckily we copied some files back at the secret lab, so I can now decipher all his gamma-enhanced-super-brain's work and immediately design countermeasures to render any future attempts ineffective...

ANTHONY MACKIE

So what kind of radioactive goop spilled on YOUR brain?

DANNY RAMIREZ

(typing)

Tappity tap, done. Of course pre-existing MMMMMMIND control would still work, so let's make sure we're not surrounded by people programmed to murder us--

(plays song)

--oh good, since we're not oozing hot lead from every orifice, I think we're safe.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Phew! But, we need more information. Luckily I had Army Buddy bring along a CERTAIN SOMEONE--

(winks)

DANNY RAMIREZ

OOH OOH OOH is THIS gonna be a huge MCU cameo?!?

(pause)

Or someone else from your Disney+ series?

ANTHONY MACKIE

(winks)

SHIRA HAAS

Please tell us it's not someone from EARLIER IN THIS SAME MOVIE.

ANTHONY MACKIE

(winks)

It's GIANCARLO again.

GIANCLUNKY EXPOSITIO

Don't get too excited, I'm just gonna go over the same backstory Nelson already did. He and Harrison were working together but now it's time for Nelson's revenge, the pills are full of gamma, etc. Thanks for keeping me around, though, I can't wait to be in one episode of Daredevil Born Again Season 3.

SHIRA HAAS

Oh shit, I just got word Harrison is taking the US fleet to confront Japan at Celestial Island! Anthony, Danny, grab your suits and fly there ASAP, let me just hop in your back pocket real quick and LET'S GOOOOOOO

EXT. CELESTIAL ISLAND - INDIAN OCEAN

Our heroes arrive as the two FLEETS converge on... (Montelban voice) CELESTIAL ISLAND!!

ANTHONY MACKIE

See, I told you that one frame in Eternals was scaled wrong, it's not actually THAT gigantic.

They go below decks and confront HARRISON.

HARRISON FORD

The fuck are you doing here, GET OFF MY BOAT okay I think we're done with that now?

ANTHONY MACKIE

Look Harrison, we found out--several times--that you and Nelson have been working together. He gets tech, you get medicine. But now Nelson's had enough and he's gonna get revenge!

HARRISON FORD

I needed that medicine dammit, I was dying! I couldn't die while my daughter hated me. I HAD to commit 20 years of human rights abuses so that she'll like me again, don't you get it?!?

SHIRA HAAS

Guys this has to wait, Nelson just activated MMMMMMIND control on exactly TWO American fighter pilots!

DANNY RAMIREZ

Oh hey and there's TWO heroes with jetpacks! Let's go!

ANTHONY and DANNY take out the PLANES but already MISSILES have been fired!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh no, the countermeasures got all but TWO of those missiles!

DANNY RAMIREZ

And whaddya know there's TWO of US! What luck!

They defeat the MISSILES! Back below decks, however, HARRISON is getting flustered.

HARRISON FORD

Gah... all this RED lighting down here! It's all so.. RED!

(staggers into corridor)

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

(hacking earpiece)

Oh hello! Didn't that goofy shot of Mackie surfing a fucking missile make you so... ANGRY?!? Don't you just wanna HULK OUT?!?

HARRISON FORD

(struggling)

But... the trailers... all have me transform... at the White House! This isn't... the right... venue...

(earlobe triples)

SHIRA HAAS

(rushing in)

It's okay sir! Anthony and Danny did lots more aerial stunts and saved the day! The only downside is Danny got shot down, but Army Buddy agreed to get killed off by Nelson to satisfy the dead-friend quota. Danny's gonna pull through!

HARRISON FORD

(calming down)

Oh phew, that was close. We almost did something unexpected.

INT. HOSPITAL

ANTHONY watches DANNY being operated on, and who should arrive but a CERTAIN SOMEONE--

SEBASTIAN STAN

Yes it's me, we all knew this had to happen at some point. How you holding up?

ANTHONY MACKIE

It's rough, man. I could use some of that Serious Moment Undercut By Snarky Humour (SMUBSH) we do so well.

SEBASTIAN STAN

(SMUBSHes)

ANTHONY MACKIE

Thanks. So yeah, I'm dealing with a genius supervillain who has an unknown number of people under MMMMMMMMIND control and is maybe trying to start WWIII, you wanna help out?

SEBASTIAN STAN

Shit, love to dude but I got a fundraiser byyyyeeeeeee

(fucks off)

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

Meanwhile, HARRISON calls up LIV TYLER and... SHE ANSWERS WHAAA?!???

L1V TYLER

(on phone)

helLO i AM sorry i did NOT call earlier DAD are YOU okay i require more information to complete request

HARRISON FORD

It's okay sweetie. Remember how we used to go look at the cherry blossoms? Maybe someday you can treat me to a walk by the cherry blossoms. Right now though I have to go talk about the treatment of my Treaty out by the cherry blossoms.

L1V TYLER

see YOU later end transmission

HARRISON goes outside to do his PRESS CONFERENCE.

HARRISON FORD

So yes, us and Japan shot a few missiles at each other, the way friends do. But everything's great now!

REPORTER

Mister President! Are you aware Green Blake Nelson just TURNED HIMSELF IN, and also released various statements totally blowing the whistle on all your secret deals, which he could easily have done without turning himself in?!?

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

(hacking loudspeakers)

Yeah it just seemed like we had to do thing where the Big Bad turns themself in but RUH ROH IT'S PART OF THE PLAN but this has gone on a bit so I kind of rushed it? Anyhoo YOU SUCK FORD, WOW DO YOU EVER SUCK

HARRISON FORD

RARRRGH THAT DOES IT

At long last HARRISON finally HULKS OUT and becomes RED HULK OH NOES!!

XOSHA ROQUEMORE

Quick, Secret Service agents! Maybe Red Hulks are vulnerable to small arms fire! Oh hey I got another line.

(pew! pew!)

Shockingly the HANDGUNS do JACK SHIT and HULKISON FORD begins DEMOLISHING EVERYTHING!!

HULKISON FORD

(smashy smashy)

FUCK YOU WHITE HOUSE

(smashes)

FUCK YOU HELICOPTERS

(smashes more)

FUCK YOU CHECKS AND BALANCES AND CONSTITUTIONAL DIVISION OF POWERS AND RULE OF LAW AND SCIENCE AND MEDICINE AND CIVIL RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY TRANS PEOPLE

(smashes fourth wall)

To be fair I'm a giant red rage monster destroying the US Government, this whole scene could NOT be any more on the nose.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Well I'm here to stop you! Get a taste of these vibranium blade-feathers I can fire from my wings, and apparently I can summon an infinite amount since my wings look exactly the same no matter how many I shoot!

ANTHONY manages to draw FORD away from the WHITE HOUSE and over to CHERRY BLOSSOM LANE, remember that detail from four whole minutes ago? They BATTLE, trading MIGHTY HULK PUNCHES and SAUCY BLADE SCRATCHIES!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Damn my wings have absorbed a TON of energy... which, oh yeah, they can also release! Crazy it took me the whole fight to remember that.

ANTHONY stabs HULKISON with a HUGE VIBRA-EXPLODABOOM that sends both of them FLYING amongst tons of DEBRIS!

SHIRA HAAS

(rushing in)

Ohmigod Anthony are you all right?

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh sure, just buried under a few hundred pounds of concrete thanks to a bone-shattering shockwave fuelled by dozens of Hulk punches, I'm fine.

(hops to feet)

Kevlar, baby!

However HULKISON FORD is also NOT DEFEATED JUST YET!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Shit. Well the forgettable action music has stopped so maybe this is my chance. Sun's getting real low big guy. Sun's getting sooooooo lo.

This time it WORKS and HULKISON shrinks back down to scrawny bony withered HARRISON FORD!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh man, you got OLD old. Which reminds me, we should get Carl out of prison since we proved his innocence like half the movie ago. What time is his execution again?

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

And so, with Harrison Ford safely contained, the MCU continues to burn through Presidents faster than Ledger's Joker sending a message. The Celestial Treaty has been signed,

(actual line)

as we enter the BRAVE NEW WORLD--of adamantium!

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE & ALDOUS HUXLEY

(sighing)

...really?

INT. "THE RAFT" ESTABLISHING SHOT VERY SIMILAR TO CAPTAIN AMERICA CIVIL WAR

HARRISON has been locked up in SUPERJAIL even though REGULAR JAIL PLUS XANAX probably would work just as well.

ANTHONY MACKIE

(arriving)

Hey there. I just wanted to explain Nelson's plan, AGAIN, and then commend you for taking responsibility for all your bullshit and agreeing to face the consequences of your crimes.

(stares directly into camera for two solid minutes)

Plus, I brought along a CERTAIN SOMEONE...

(winks)

And indeed, after 17 years away from the MCU, a RENDERING OF LIV TYLER is clicked-and-dragged into frame!

L1V TYL3R

hello WE could talk FOR a WHILE dad enter prompt

HARRISON FORD

...the fuck is this

INT. HOSPITAL

ANTHONY goes to visit DANNY in hospital who's doing OKAY!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Real glad you made it pal. And I got more good news, I'm going to bring back... THE AVENGERS!

(pause)

Which, why does everyone keep talking like that's done? Sure we lost Evans and Downey and Scarlett and Purpaul and Olsen but we have two Hawkeyes now! TWO!

DANNY RAMIREZ

Yeah, plus of the Endgame team, there's still you and Sam Jackson and Larson and Cumberbatch and Rudd _{and Lilly} and Hemsworth and Ruffalo and Wong, what's the deal?

(checks schedule)

Oh yeah, we're trying to justify our Suicide Squad movie.

END

INT. BONUS SCENE - BACK AT THE RAFT

ANTHONY remembers he forgot to visit GREEN BLAKE NELSON'S empty floor after visiting HARRISON FORD'S empty floor so he goes back to gloat.

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

Welcome back Captain. I've got quite the teaser for you. If my calculations are correct the next big Avengers fight will be... AGAINST THE OTHER MULTIVERSES!

(smirks evilly)

ANTHONY MACKIE

They told us that back in Loki Season One.

GREEN BLAKE NELSON

Fuck.

(pouts)

END