"You're dead meat now, evil-doers!! Bang bang bang!! OH YEAHH!! Why do I have the nagging feeling I forgot something."

DEATH WISH (2018)

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO

RADIO HOSTS inform us that CHICAGO is full of GUN VIOLENCE, and even worse it's that DEEP-DISH GUN VIOLENCE with extra VIOLENCE. On the streets a COP CAR speeds towards a HOSPITAL.

NOT-SHOT COP

(driving recklessly)

Hold on buddy! Almost there!

SHOT COP

(bleeding to death)

Why aren't you applying pressure to my wound and waiting for the ambulance?! Shit, you just SPED PAST a fucking ambulance.

NOT-SHOT COP

MY ONLY FIRST AID TRAINING WAS WATCHING "RESERVOIR DOGS" OKAY

INT. HOSPITAL

SHOT COP is brought to emergency where we meet ER DOCTOR BRUCE WILLIS, who has prepared exhaustively for his role by THROWING ON A LAB COAT and also FUCK YOU.

BRUCE WILLIS

(entering)

Okay let's see fuck it he's dead I'm calling it. Time of death, beer o'clock.

(fucks off)

NOT-SHOT COP

Oh the injustice! Who will be the Good Guy with a Gun?! WHOOO?!?

NURSE

Aren't YOU a good guy with a gun?

NOT-SHOT COP

Fuck that, it takes forever for cops to respond, even me responding to myself! OH SHIT I'VE CREATED A TEMPORAL SINGULARITY

(becomes black hole)

INT. FANCY SHMANCY RESTAURANT

BRUCE has dinner with his WIFE and his DAUGHTER and his VINCENT D'ONOFRIO.

CAMILA MORRONE

I'm so happy being your daughter Bruce! And I can't wait to start my first year at Privilege State University! Let's go Fighting Selfies!!

ELIZABETH SHUE

And I'm so happy being married to Bruce while also going back to school, they forgot to give me a personal life so I'm copy-pasting Camila's!

BRUCE WILLIS

And I sure am happy being a rich surgeon with a beautiful wife and daughter. You could say I have a life wish.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

And I guess I'm evil? I'm gonna betray you, right? I mean why the fuck else am I here.

Outside, BRUCE gives his key to an EVIL VALET to get his car.

BRUCE WILLIS

(loudly)

Well, see you all again at my big birthday dinner, at Faraway Restaurant Nowhere Near Home, this Tuesday at 8:00 PM! Remember we're gonna order three full courses and be out until AT LEAST eleven! Maybe one of my presents will be a security system for the house which currently does not have one! Or maybe we'll get some neighbours, so I finally have someone to show my collection of expensive shit to!

EVIL VALET

(aside)

Well if I wasn't in a B&E gang before, I would pretty much have to create one after THAT little display. I hope your car displays your home address at the touch of a button, why hello there.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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