FADE IN

EXT. HOW PEOPLE IN THE YEAR 2000 THOUGHT THE FUTURE WOULD BE, DAY

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER works as a HELICOPTER PILOT for hip twentysomething snowboarders, complete with VELOUR FEDORAS and FROSTED TIPS. He gets a VIDEO CALL on the office computer from his wife, WENDY CREWSON.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hi, honey. Why didn’t you just call my cell phone?

WENDY CREWSON

Cell phones were popular when this movie premiered but the writers thought people would abandon them for immobile video chat kiosks.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

All the convenience of a pay-phone without the hassle of keeping your conversation private! What’s up?

WENDY CREWSON

(sniffling)

The vet had to put the dog down today.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

This news does not upset me in any way.

WENDY CREWSON

I don’t want our daughter to ever learn about death, so go get the dog cloned and we’ll pretend this never happened.

(beat)

And, oh yeah, happy birthday.

(hangs up)

ARNOLD’S copilot, MICHAEL RAPAPORT, enters.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

We still have barbers in the future, you know. You look like you cut your hair with a piece of glass from your broken mirror.

MICHAEL RAPAPORT

Hah hah. We'll settle this later with an unnecessary CGI helicopter race!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You’re on! I’ll bring my mix of generic techno-action theme music.

Some SECURITY GOONS enter.

SECURITY GOON 1

Our boss, TONY GOLDWYN, has chartered your helicopter. He asked for Arnold to fly him personally because he loves red-blooded Americans with Austrian accents.

MICHAEL RAPAPORT

The guy who owns the cloning company that Wendy was JUST talking about?

SECURITY GOON 1

The same. He has a shitload of religious nutjobs who want to kill him, so we’re laying down a perimeter. We’re not going to take this precaution at the top of the mountain, though, so I hope you didn’t just shuttle a group of snowboarders up there. An assassin could be hiding among them, waiting for us to land.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Uh...

SECURITY GOON 2

We need you to take a blood test to make sure you’re not all hopped up on TOBACCO, which is illegal. We also need you to stick your face in this “eye exam” machine to get a few stills for the movie poster.

ARNOLD and MICHAEL do this and the SECURITY GOONS step outside.

MICHAEL RAPAPORT

I’ll take over, buddy; you go get your dog cloned. Those goons never asked for ID or got our names.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER

For a paranoid billionaire, he has the sloppiest security team imaginable. Just promise you won't die while pretending to be me!

EXT. FUTURE MALL

ARNOLD wakes up in a cab, disoriented, as he often does in science fiction movies.

CAB DRIVER

You have arrived. Thank you for using Johnny Cab!

ARNOLD enters the PET CLONING STORE and a SALESMAN approaches.

SALESMAN

Good to see you again. Your dog died this morning, right? I told you earlier that we extract memories from the pets by photographing their eyes, just like that “eye test” you got today.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(glazed look)

Huh? I wasn’t paying attention.

(leaves)

EXT. ARNOLD’S HOUSE, NIGHT

ARNOLD exits another cab and approaches the house.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(practicing)

Sorry, honey; the doggy went to heaven. To make you feel better, I got you that fucking horrifying robotic doll you wanted. I think they skinned a real little girl and clumsily sewed her living tissue over a metal endoskeleton...

Through the window, ARNOLD sees HIMSELF at his birthday party. Just then, RED-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and TERRY CREWS appear.

RED-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER

Come with us; you were cloned in violation of the 6th Day Law.

(pause)

Get it? ‘Cuz in the Bible, God created man on the sixth day? Cloning humans is illegal because the U.S. still believes literal interpretations of the Old Testament except for the verses that are inconvenient.

TERRY CREWS

We work for Tony Goldwyn and need to kill you to cover this up.

(beat)

I’m playing it straight for the last time in my career. After this, it’s all Wayans Brothers movies and dancing the robot shirtless while screaming.

ARNOLD exploits one of the mercenaries’ many displays of INCOMPETENCE and steals his own car. In the ensuing chase, he kills SARAH and another CANNON FODDER MERCENARY. He escapes by driving off a CLIFF.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(survives somehow)

INT. POLICE STATION, STILL NIGHT

ARNOLD tells the story to an INCREDULOUS POLICE OFFICER.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Why is this so hard to believe? Cloned pets and even human organs are commonplace!

INCREDULOUS POLICE OFFICER

You came in earlier to report your car stolen but didn’t mention this.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

That was the clone, idiot! This only strengthens my story!

The cops take him into custody but he escapes again. Outside, he runs into the CANNON FODDER MERCENARY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I thought you were dead?

CANNON FODDER MERCENARY

I was cloned. It costs over a million dollars each time but I’m too valuable to-

(gets neck broken)

INT. MICHAEL’S HOUSE, STILL THAT SAME NIGHT

MICHAEL makes out with his HOLOGRAM GIRLFRIEND.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER

(enters)

No time for Fanservice, I have something to tell you!

HOLOGRAM GIRLFRIEND

Hey, Arnold! Can I get you a beer?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER

No thanks, but I’m curious as to how you would do that...

MICHAEL RAPAPORT

What’s going on? I woke up in a cab-

Someone SHOOTS MICHAEL through the window with a FLARE GUN, killing him. The ASSASSIN is one of the SNOWBOARDERS.

SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN

Death to clones! My religion says they're bad.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Is murder allowed?

SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN

He was a clone so it didn’t count. I know that because I murdered him and a few other human beings earlier today, including Tony Goldwyn. They cloned everyone to cover it up, including you. I didn’t kill you because I don’t know if you’re Arnold Classic.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Why did they bother cloning Michael if they thought he was me?

SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN

I'll never tell!

ARNOLD overpowers and kills him just as mercenaries GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and MICHAEL ROOKER show up for a shoot out that lights the entire building on fire.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Jesus, these have got to be the most destructive, least accurate guns ever designed.

MICHAEL ROOKER

You’re in trouble now!

(gets leg shot off)

GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER

Yeah! Shoot me once, shame on you; shoot me twice-

(gets fingers shot off)

ARNOLD jumps in their car to get away.

CAR

Please press severed thumb to ignition to start. Make sure you hold onto it in case it comes in handy later.

ARNOLD grabs SARAH'S THUMB and DOES THIS, escaping yet again.

MICHAEL ROOKER

How many more times is he going to escape before the final showdown?!

GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER

Fuck this. Let's kidnap his family.

(beat)

But first, I need to crack open another 3-pack of clones...

INT. ARNOLD’S DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL, THE NEXT DAY

TERRY CREWS kidnaps ARNOLD’S DAUGHTER and WIFE from a school play, using needless remote-controlled dogs. ARNOLD tries to stop them but meets HIMSELF instead.

OTHER ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh wow, we’re twins! We should get matching white suits and-

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(knocks OTHER ARNOLD out)

That’s for being in another terrible movie where you meet your own double!

INT. ARNOLD’S WORK

The TWO ARNOLDS make bombs while saying “Cool” in unison because audiences find his accent so adorable.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

By establishing that we’re working together, isn't it going to remove all tension from the final act by making the audience wonder, “Where’s the other Arnold during all of this?”

OTHER ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER

You're right. When you inevitably get captured, people won’t be surprised that I rescued our family while you provided the distraction.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Let’s cut this scene and trim down the bloated 2-hour runtime.

THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.

INT. TONY GOLDWYN’S LAB

ARNOLD breaks in using SARAH’S THUMB and creates a diversion while the OTHER ARNOLD rescues their family and leaves (see above). ARNOLD gets captured and BLUE-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and the others take him to TONY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Damn, Sarah, I can’t believe you got a new body after only losing some fingers. Why do you even bother dying your hair?

(to TONY)

Why are you doing this?

TONY GOLDWYN

Because of the 6th Day Law, if the government finds out I’m a clone, they'll kill me and shut down my miraculous, world-saving research.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(scoffs)

Name one thing you’ve saved.

TONY GOLDWYN

Well, I averted a global famine by cloning endangered fish and restocking the ocean.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(dumbstruck)

Well... that doesn’t give you the right to play God!

TONY GOLDWYN

Don't give me that shit, you joked earlier that God was a dick for killing your dog. Meanwhile, I saved a bunch of kids with brain cancer by cloning them. By that logic, the guy who cured polio was a super villain for daring to defy the gods.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'm more accustomed to standard evil antagonists. I wasn't really prepared for moral ambiguity...

Head scientist, ROBERT DUVALL, enters.

ROBERT DUVALL

I found damning evidence that outweighs all the good Tony has done!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hooray!

ROBERT DUVALL

My wife, who you saved five years ago by cloning her-

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Booooo!

ROBERT DUVALL

-just died because you gave her a genetic terminal illness!

TONY GOLDWYN

(sincere)

I’m so sorry. I’m going to fire whoever made that mistake and clone her again for free. We’ll make sure she has no congenital defects this time.

ROBERT DUVALL

Stop being so nice!

(groans)

It’s not just her. You gave every other clone some kind of defect that gives them the life span of a Replicant!

TONY GOLDWYN

Ok, you’re right, but I'm the Designated Villain! I had to do SOMETHING evil, otherwise I'd just be a brilliant philanthropist being victimized by religious zealots.

ROBERT DUVALL

This technology was fine when it was working to my personal benefit but now I’m morally outraged! I’m going to the police.

TONY GOLDWYN

(shoots ROBERT)

I’m going to clone you and your wife and make sure you forget about this and wake up surrounded by puppies and live happily ever after. I love you, buddy.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You’re a monster!

TONY GOLDWYN

If you’re so righteous, put a gun in your mouth and kill yourself because

(dramatic pause)

YOU’RE THE CLONE!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(actual line)

You should clone yourself while you’re still alive so that you can go fuck yourself!

ARNOLD breaks free; in the subsequent kerfuffle, the CANNON FODDER MERCENARY mortally wounds TONY and ARNOLD escapes.

TONY GOLDWYN

You are so fucking fired!

(shoots CANNON FODDER MERC)

INT. CLONE STORAGE FACILITY

The remaining CLONE MERCENARIES search for ARNOLD while TONY begins the process of cloning himself. ARNOLD hides in one of the clone tanks.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ew! These things look like the aliens from Fire in the Sky and feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs!

BLUE-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER

I just heard something from that tank!

ARNOLD leaps out and STRANGLES SARAH with a cordless phone. Before she dies, she shoots the tank, releasing thousands of gallons of water and destroying the lab and all the clones. MICHAEL ROOKER and TERRY CREWS also die somehow.

CLONING COMPUTER

“Midget from the Island of Doctor Moreau” phase beginning.

(beat)

Phase terminated. Process incomplete.

TONY dies just as ABOMINATION TONY GOLDWYN comes to life.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(pointing gun)

It’s over, Tony. Your men are dead, your lab is destroyed, and you look like an avocado that had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

ABOMINATION TONY GOLDWYN

Wait, I can rebuild all of this and save you; you have a congenital defect like all the other clones. I also have like a thousand other guards so you’ll never make it out alive-

ARNOLD knocks him out, causing him to land on top of the other TONY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(actual line)

When I said you should screw yourself, I didn’t mean for you to take it literally.

Knowing that his family and original body are safe, ARNOLD heroically sacrifices himself by lighting the fuse on his homemade bomb and blowing up the lab while still inside.

END

No wait, the movie drags on for another 10 minutes and BOTH ARNOLDS SURVIVE.

END