The Abridged Script
FADE IN
EXT. HOW PEOPLE IN THE YEAR 2000 THOUGHT THE FUTURE WOULD BE, DAY
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER works as a HELICOPTER PILOT for hip twentysomething snowboarders, complete with VELOUR FEDORAS and FROSTED TIPS. He gets a VIDEO CALL on the office computer from his wife, WENDY CREWSON.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Hi, honey. Why didn’t you just call my cell phone?
WENDY CREWSON
Cell phones were popular when this movie premiered but the writers thought people would abandon them for immobile video chat kiosks.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
All the convenience of a pay-phone without the hassle of keeping your conversation private! What’s up?
WENDY CREWSON
(sniffling)
The vet had to put the dog down today.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
This news does not upset me in any way.
WENDY CREWSON
I don’t want our daughter to ever learn about death, so go get the dog cloned and we’ll pretend this never happened.
(beat)
And, oh yeah, happy birthday.
(hangs up)
ARNOLD’S copilot, MICHAEL RAPAPORT, enters.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
We still have barbers in the future, you know. You look like you cut your hair with a piece of glass from your broken mirror.
MICHAEL RAPAPORT
Hah hah. We'll settle this later with an unnecessary CGI helicopter race!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
You’re on! I’ll bring my mix of generic techno-action theme music.
Some SECURITY GOONS enter.
SECURITY GOON 1
Our boss, TONY GOLDWYN, has chartered your helicopter. He asked for Arnold to fly him personally because he loves red-blooded Americans with Austrian accents.
MICHAEL RAPAPORT
The guy who owns the cloning company that Wendy was JUST talking about?
SECURITY GOON 1
The same. He has a shitload of religious nutjobs who want to kill him, so we’re laying down a perimeter. We’re not going to take this precaution at the top of the mountain, though, so I hope you didn’t just shuttle a group of snowboarders up there. An assassin could be hiding among them, waiting for us to land.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Uh...
SECURITY GOON 2
We need you to take a blood test to make sure you’re not all hopped up on TOBACCO, which is illegal. We also need you to stick your face in this “eye exam” machine to get a few stills for the movie poster.
ARNOLD and MICHAEL do this and the SECURITY GOONS step outside.
MICHAEL RAPAPORT
I’ll take over, buddy; you go get your dog cloned. Those goons never asked for ID or got our names.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER
For a paranoid billionaire, he has the sloppiest security team imaginable. Just promise you won't die while pretending to be me!
EXT. FUTURE MALL
ARNOLD wakes up in a cab, disoriented, as he often does in science fiction movies.
CAB DRIVER
You have arrived. Thank you for using Johnny Cab!
ARNOLD enters the PET CLONING STORE and a SALESMAN approaches.
SALESMAN
Good to see you again. Your dog died this morning, right? I told you earlier that we extract memories from the pets by photographing their eyes, just like that “eye test” you got today.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(glazed look)
Huh? I wasn’t paying attention.
(leaves)
EXT. ARNOLD’S HOUSE, NIGHT
ARNOLD exits another cab and approaches the house.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(practicing)
Sorry, honey; the doggy went to heaven. To make you feel better, I got you that fucking horrifying robotic doll you wanted. I think they skinned a real little girl and clumsily sewed her living tissue over a metal endoskeleton...
Through the window, ARNOLD sees HIMSELF at his birthday party. Just then, RED-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and TERRY CREWS appear.
RED-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER
Come with us; you were cloned in violation of the 6th Day Law.
(pause)
Get it? ‘Cuz in the Bible, God created man on the sixth day? Cloning humans is illegal because the U.S. still believes literal interpretations of the Old Testament except for the verses that are inconvenient.
TERRY CREWS
We work for Tony Goldwyn and need to kill you to cover this up.
(beat)
I’m playing it straight for the last time in my career. After this, it’s all Wayans Brothers movies and dancing the robot shirtless while screaming.
ARNOLD exploits one of the mercenaries’ many displays of INCOMPETENCE and steals his own car. In the ensuing chase, he kills SARAH and another CANNON FODDER MERCENARY. He escapes by driving off a CLIFF.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(survives somehow)
INT. POLICE STATION, STILL NIGHT
ARNOLD tells the story to an INCREDULOUS POLICE OFFICER.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Why is this so hard to believe? Cloned pets and even human organs are commonplace!
INCREDULOUS POLICE OFFICER
You came in earlier to report your car stolen but didn’t mention this.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
That was the clone, idiot! This only strengthens my story!
The cops take him into custody but he escapes again. Outside, he runs into the CANNON FODDER MERCENARY.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I thought you were dead?
CANNON FODDER MERCENARY
I was cloned. It costs over a million dollars each time but I’m too valuable to-
(gets neck broken)
INT. MICHAEL’S HOUSE, STILL THAT SAME NIGHT
MICHAEL makes out with his HOLOGRAM GIRLFRIEND.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER
(enters)
No time for Fanservice, I have something to tell you!
HOLOGRAM GIRLFRIEND
Hey, Arnold! Can I get you a beer?
ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER
No thanks, but I’m curious as to how you would do that...
MICHAEL RAPAPORT
What’s going on? I woke up in a cab-
Someone SHOOTS MICHAEL through the window with a FLARE GUN, killing him. The ASSASSIN is one of the SNOWBOARDERS.
SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN
Death to clones! My religion says they're bad.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Is murder allowed?
SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN
He was a clone so it didn’t count. I know that because I murdered him and a few other human beings earlier today, including Tony Goldwyn. They cloned everyone to cover it up, including you. I didn’t kill you because I don’t know if you’re Arnold Classic.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Why did they bother cloning Michael if they thought he was me?
SNOWBOARD ASSASSIN
I'll never tell!
ARNOLD overpowers and kills him just as mercenaries GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and MICHAEL ROOKER show up for a shoot out that lights the entire building on fire.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Jesus, these have got to be the most destructive, least accurate guns ever designed.
MICHAEL ROOKER
You’re in trouble now!
(gets leg shot off)
GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER
Yeah! Shoot me once, shame on you; shoot me twice-
(gets fingers shot off)
ARNOLD jumps in their car to get away.
CAR
Please press severed thumb to ignition to start. Make sure you hold onto it in case it comes in handy later.
ARNOLD grabs SARAH'S THUMB and DOES THIS, escaping yet again.
MICHAEL ROOKER
How many more times is he going to escape before the final showdown?!
GREEN-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER
Fuck this. Let's kidnap his family.
(beat)
But first, I need to crack open another 3-pack of clones...
INT. ARNOLD’S DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL, THE NEXT DAY
TERRY CREWS kidnaps ARNOLD’S DAUGHTER and WIFE from a school play, using needless remote-controlled dogs. ARNOLD tries to stop them but meets HIMSELF instead.
OTHER ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Oh wow, we’re twins! We should get matching white suits and-
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(knocks OTHER ARNOLD out)
That’s for being in another terrible movie where you meet your own double!
INT. ARNOLD’S WORK
The TWO ARNOLDS make bombs while saying “Cool” in unison because audiences find his accent so adorable.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
By establishing that we’re working together, isn't it going to remove all tension from the final act by making the audience wonder, “Where’s the other Arnold during all of this?”
OTHER ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER
You're right. When you inevitably get captured, people won’t be surprised that I rescued our family while you provided the distraction.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Let’s cut this scene and trim down the bloated 2-hour runtime.
THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.
INT. TONY GOLDWYN’S LAB
ARNOLD breaks in using SARAH’S THUMB and creates a diversion while the OTHER ARNOLD rescues their family and leaves (see above). ARNOLD gets captured and BLUE-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER and the others take him to TONY.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Damn, Sarah, I can’t believe you got a new body after only losing some fingers. Why do you even bother dying your hair?
(to TONY)
Why are you doing this?
TONY GOLDWYN
Because of the 6th Day Law, if the government finds out I’m a clone, they'll kill me and shut down my miraculous, world-saving research.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(scoffs)
Name one thing you’ve saved.
TONY GOLDWYN
Well, I averted a global famine by cloning endangered fish and restocking the ocean.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(dumbstruck)
Well... that doesn’t give you the right to play God!
TONY GOLDWYN
Don't give me that shit, you joked earlier that God was a dick for killing your dog. Meanwhile, I saved a bunch of kids with brain cancer by cloning them. By that logic, the guy who cured polio was a super villain for daring to defy the gods.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I'm more accustomed to standard evil antagonists. I wasn't really prepared for moral ambiguity...
Head scientist, ROBERT DUVALL, enters.
ROBERT DUVALL
I found damning evidence that outweighs all the good Tony has done!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Hooray!
ROBERT DUVALL
My wife, who you saved five years ago by cloning her-
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Booooo!
ROBERT DUVALL
-just died because you gave her a genetic terminal illness!
TONY GOLDWYN
(sincere)
I’m so sorry. I’m going to fire whoever made that mistake and clone her again for free. We’ll make sure she has no congenital defects this time.
ROBERT DUVALL
Stop being so nice!
(groans)
It’s not just her. You gave every other clone some kind of defect that gives them the life span of a Replicant!
TONY GOLDWYN
Ok, you’re right, but I'm the Designated Villain! I had to do SOMETHING evil, otherwise I'd just be a brilliant philanthropist being victimized by religious zealots.
ROBERT DUVALL
This technology was fine when it was working to my personal benefit but now I’m morally outraged! I’m going to the police.
TONY GOLDWYN
(shoots ROBERT)
I’m going to clone you and your wife and make sure you forget about this and wake up surrounded by puppies and live happily ever after. I love you, buddy.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
You’re a monster!
TONY GOLDWYN
If you’re so righteous, put a gun in your mouth and kill yourself because
(dramatic pause)
YOU’RE THE CLONE!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(actual line)
You should clone yourself while you’re still alive so that you can go fuck yourself!
ARNOLD breaks free; in the subsequent kerfuffle, the CANNON FODDER MERCENARY mortally wounds TONY and ARNOLD escapes.
TONY GOLDWYN
You are so fucking fired!
(shoots CANNON FODDER MERC)
INT. CLONE STORAGE FACILITY
The remaining CLONE MERCENARIES search for ARNOLD while TONY begins the process of cloning himself. ARNOLD hides in one of the clone tanks.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Ew! These things look like the aliens from Fire in the Sky and feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs!
BLUE-HAIRED SARAH WYNTER
I just heard something from that tank!
ARNOLD leaps out and STRANGLES SARAH with a cordless phone. Before she dies, she shoots the tank, releasing thousands of gallons of water and destroying the lab and all the clones. MICHAEL ROOKER and TERRY CREWS also die somehow.
CLONING COMPUTER
“Midget from the Island of Doctor Moreau” phase beginning.
(beat)
Phase terminated. Process incomplete.
TONY dies just as ABOMINATION TONY GOLDWYN comes to life.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(pointing gun)
It’s over, Tony. Your men are dead, your lab is destroyed, and you look like an avocado that had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
ABOMINATION TONY GOLDWYN
Wait, I can rebuild all of this and save you; you have a congenital defect like all the other clones. I also have like a thousand other guards so you’ll never make it out alive-
ARNOLD knocks him out, causing him to land on top of the other TONY.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(actual line)
When I said you should screw yourself, I didn’t mean for you to take it literally.
Knowing that his family and original body are safe, ARNOLD heroically sacrifices himself by lighting the fuse on his homemade bomb and blowing up the lab while still inside.
END
No wait, the movie drags on for another 10 minutes and BOTH ARNOLDS SURVIVE.
END