The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. DARK NEW YORK APARTMENT
MICHAEL BADALUCCO is wearing boxers and a wife-beater. The dog next door is barking, and Michael is rocking back and forth on his bed in the fetal position.
MICHAEL BADALUCCO
Dog, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
DOG
Bark.
MICHAEL BADALUCCO
Okay, fine, I will.
AUDIENCE
Eh?
EXT. DARK NEW YORK CITY STREET
Two BAD ACTRESSES are sitting in a car together. Michael comes up and blows off their heads repeatedly. The actresses do a great job of playing dead.
INT. JOHN LEGUIZAMO'S APARTMENT
MIRA SORVINO
Are you sleeping with other women?
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Yeah.
MIRA
Okay. Let's fuck. I like to say that word in this movie. Fuck.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
I am Italian. My friends are Italian. Mira is pretending to be Italian. The point is, Spike Lee is making a movie WITHOUT a predominantly black cast.
SPIKE LEE
That's right. This joint focuses on you dagos.
MIRA
How does this subplot tie into the whole Son of Sam-serial killer plotline?
SPIKE
That's right.
INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT
DOG
Kill people.
MICHAEL
Okay.
AUDIENCE
The dog is talking! That's not supposed to be funny, but I feel compelled to laugh. HA HA HA HA!!!
SPIKE
Shut up! Stop laughing! This part is supposed to be DARK and DISTURBING like the rest of the movie.
DOG
I'm dead sexy.
MICHAEL
I hear, and I obey.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY
Michael walks up to a lady and blows her head off. Michael walks up to a couple in a car and blows their heads off. Michael walks up to a young woman and blows her head off.
INT. ADRIEN BRODY'S GARAGE APARTMENT
JENNIFER ESPOSITO
Why won't you have sex with me?
ADRIEN BRODY
Because I...am Italian.
JENNIFER ESPOSITO
So am I!
ADRIEN
I know you are, but Spike wants to make sure the audience knows. By the way, the whole subplot involving my turn as a male prostitute completely goes along with the whole Son of Sam- serial killer plot.
SPIKE
You bet your sweet Italian ass it does.
INT. NEW YORK SEX CLUB
MIRA
Oh baby, oh baby, yes, yes.
JOHN
You are awful in bed. I am going to sleep around with every female cast member...even the ones that are way too old, like Bebe Neuwirth and Patti LuPone.
PATTI
Here, a shot of my breasts.
AUDIENCE
Repugnant...
BEBE
Spike, what does the whole husband- cheating-on-the-wife have to do with the serial killer plot?
SPIKE
Mmmm-hmmm, sister. Screw the MPAA! I'll show them. I'll show them all!
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS
Michael Badalucco is getting into his car. The police stop him for no reason.
POLICE MAN
Are you the serial killer?
MICHAEL
Yes. Arrest me.
POLICE MAN
Uh, okay.
EXT. ADRIEN'S GARAGE APARTMENT
After the audience has assumed that Adrien is homosexual, he and Jennifer Esposito go at it.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Adrien, we think you're the Son of Sam. Come out and let us beat the crap out of you.
ADRIEN
Okay.
John and his ITALIAN friends proceed to brutally kick the shit out of Adrien.
SPIKE
I think I'll end the movie right...HERE!
END