FADE IN:

INT. DARK NEW YORK APARTMENT

MICHAEL BADALUCCO is wearing boxers and a wife-beater. The dog next door is barking, and Michael is rocking back and forth on his bed in the fetal position.

MICHAEL BADALUCCO

Dog, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

DOG

Bark.

MICHAEL BADALUCCO

Okay, fine, I will.

AUDIENCE

Eh?

EXT. DARK NEW YORK CITY STREET

Two BAD ACTRESSES are sitting in a car together. Michael comes up and blows off their heads repeatedly. The actresses do a great job of playing dead.

INT. JOHN LEGUIZAMO'S APARTMENT

MIRA SORVINO

Are you sleeping with other women?

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Yeah.

MIRA

Okay. Let's fuck. I like to say that word in this movie. Fuck.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

I am Italian. My friends are Italian. Mira is pretending to be Italian. The point is, Spike Lee is making a movie WITHOUT a predominantly black cast.

SPIKE LEE

That's right. This joint focuses on you dagos.

MIRA

How does this subplot tie into the whole Son of Sam-serial killer plotline?

SPIKE

That's right.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

DOG

Kill people.

MICHAEL

Okay.

AUDIENCE

The dog is talking! That's not supposed to be funny, but I feel compelled to laugh. HA HA HA HA!!!

SPIKE

Shut up! Stop laughing! This part is supposed to be DARK and DISTURBING like the rest of the movie.

DOG

I'm dead sexy.

MICHAEL

I hear, and I obey.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY

Michael walks up to a lady and blows her head off. Michael walks up to a couple in a car and blows their heads off. Michael walks up to a young woman and blows her head off.

INT. ADRIEN BRODY'S GARAGE APARTMENT

JENNIFER ESPOSITO

Why won't you have sex with me?

ADRIEN BRODY

Because I...am Italian.

JENNIFER ESPOSITO

So am I!

ADRIEN

I know you are, but Spike wants to make sure the audience knows. By the way, the whole subplot involving my turn as a male prostitute completely goes along with the whole Son of Sam- serial killer plot.

SPIKE

You bet your sweet Italian ass it does.

INT. NEW YORK SEX CLUB

MIRA

Oh baby, oh baby, yes, yes.

JOHN

You are awful in bed. I am going to sleep around with every female cast member...even the ones that are way too old, like Bebe Neuwirth and Patti LuPone.

PATTI

Here, a shot of my breasts.

AUDIENCE

Repugnant...

BEBE

Spike, what does the whole husband- cheating-on-the-wife have to do with the serial killer plot?

SPIKE

Mmmm-hmmm, sister. Screw the MPAA! I'll show them. I'll show them all!

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS

Michael Badalucco is getting into his car. The police stop him for no reason.

POLICE MAN

Are you the serial killer?

MICHAEL

Yes. Arrest me.

POLICE MAN

Uh, okay.

EXT. ADRIEN'S GARAGE APARTMENT

After the audience has assumed that Adrien is homosexual, he and Jennifer Esposito go at it.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Adrien, we think you're the Son of Sam. Come out and let us beat the crap out of you.

ADRIEN

Okay.

John and his ITALIAN friends proceed to brutally kick the shit out of Adrien.

SPIKE

I think I'll end the movie right...HERE!

END