"The script is HOW long? Ugh. Where's the sandwich cart?"

THE GODFATHER

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

We open the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME FOR REAL NO ONE COULD EVER DISAGREE FUCK CITIZEN KANE SERIOUSLY on a murky BLACK VOID. We’ll be spending some TIME here, so GET USED TO IT.

From the impenetrable darkness, SALVATORE CORSITTO appears.

SALVATORE CORSITTO

In America, anyone can be anything. That is why I chose to be an ally of gangsters. Some of those gangsters beat up my daughter. I would like you to gangster them right back.

Legendary acting genius MARLON BRANDO sits opposite him, listening intently.

MARLON BRANDO

(distant sounds of mating table saws)

SALVATORE CORSITTO

Sorry?

MARLON BRANDO

(Marge Simpson yodeling inside a swarm of bees)

SALVATORE CORSITTO

Uh, yeah, haha. Sure. Umm…

MARLON BRANDO

(coughs)

(spits two wads of Method Actor’s Face-Changing Cotton Balls out of his mouth)

They will be gangster’d. You have my word. But you must know, I demand friendship and respect above all things. The kind of friendship where I do you a solid, and then you do me one. For all great friendships are based on self-interested favor-giving.

SALVATORE CORSITTO

(nodding sagely)

I have played Stardew Valley, yes.

MARLON BRANDO

Therefore, I shall require you to resolve a subplot for me in like two hours. This is a long movie.

SALVATORE CORSITTO

Grazie! Grazie! Bless you, Godfather! Bless you and ALL of your sequels!

SALVATORE bangs his shins on a few TABLES trying to get out of the OFFICE. ROBERT DUVALL stumbles in as he leaves.

MARLON BRANDO

Who is next on the schedule, adopted son?

ROBERT DUVALL

We have many subplots and side characters for you to act at on this day, Godfather. Did you memorize your lines?

MARLON BRANDO

Not one. Let us hide cue cards all throughout the set so I don’t have to work too hard.

ROBERT DUVALL

Ingenious. First, Lenny Montana wishes to attempt acting. He’s an actual mafia enforcer in real life, in case the name didn’t tip you off. So I recommend you play nice.

LENNY MONTANA

(flubs his lines hilariously)

MARLON BRANDO

Heh. That was cute. Next?

ROBERT DUVALL

Your Sinatra-esque godson wants to whine at you for a bit.

AL MARTINO

I’m up for a role in some flick, God-daddy-o. But the producer’s a class-A bozo from squaresville and won’t gimme the part. Swear on me Mudder, it makes me have emotions.

MARLON BRANDO

EMOTIONS!? WHATSAMATTA WITH YOU!?! Crying is for christenings!

AL MARTINO

(retracts his tears into his eyeballs with a sound not unlike mating garden slugs)

Your abuse has shown me the way, Godfather. I shall endeavor to restrain my womanly tears.

MARLON BRANDO

Good. Your subplot shall be resolved, you have my word. As a matter of fact, I’ll do it early on so we can get a good “shock moment” into this piece of anesthesiology disguised as a film. For you see…

(pause)

I’m gonna field him a request he will be disinclined to reject.

AL MARTINO

And write the Italian-American Stereotype Bingo Card too, I see. Bless you, Godfather. Our people shall be getting sick of your quotes for generations to come!

MARLON grabs ROBERT’s arm and lets him lead them out into the BRIGHT OVEREXPOSED SUNLIGHT. Nearby, young AL PACINO arrives at the party, bringing with him two GUESTS: his pre-tobacco SPEAKING VOICE, and his girlfriend DIANE KEATON.

DIANE KEATON

Wow, look at all these diverse characters! Care to introduce me to a few?

AL PACINO

(stone-faced)

Sure, babe. This is my brother James Caan. He’s in line to inherit the family business and he has a hot temper to contrast my own lack of reactions to things. His career’s about to peak in a minute so, you know, be nice to him.

JAMES CAAN

Bada-beep! Eh! Fugeddaboutit! In the book there’s a whole subplot about how my dick is huge!

AL PACINO

(ashen-faced)

He’s gonna win Italian of the Year after this movie. Not even kidding. Oh, and here’s my brother John Cazale, the family disappointment. He’ll die after making five movies, but don’t feel too bad because they’re all amazing.

JOHN CAZALE

(hiccups drunkenly)

Can I smell your hair?

AL PACINO

(blank-faced)

What a scamp. And there’s my sister, Talia Shire. She’s the director’s sister in real life but she does a good job in this movie so it’s all cool. Sadly, he’ll try making lightning strike twice when he casts his daughter in the third movie, tanking this whole franchise. But Talia’s good. Say hi, Talia.

TALIA SHIRE

Oh, I’m so excited to get married!

SHITTY HUSBAND

(smacks her, lovingly)

Me too, honey-dumpling.

DIANE KEATON

Wow, so many characters. I’m having trouble keeping them all straight.

AL PACINO

(staring coldly)

Yeah, people had longer attention spans in the 70’s. Don’t worry, they’ll start dying off soon.

Everyone squeezes together for a FAMILY PHOTO, letting us all realize just how LITTLE these people LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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