FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION AFTER PARTY, AT NIGHT

CLAIRE DANES

I am such a great actress. I love my work. I will no doubt receive praises for this movie.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Hey, she was in The Mod Squad! That movie RULED!

CLAIRE DANES

Shut up, I wasn't in that.

KATE BECKINSALE

Hi, pay no attention to my wig. It will be gone soon enough. Oh yeah, I was in The Last Days of Disco and Much Ado About Nothing.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Never heard of them. Didn't First Days of Disco or whatever have Neve Campbell and Ryan Phillippe? That movie was SWEET!

CLAIRE DANES

Hey Kate, I know we're supposed to be going to Hawaii for our post- graduation trip, but let's lie to your dad and actually go to Thailand because one of our drunk friends just told me that it would be fun.

KATE

Are you crazy? Thailand is a disgusting, impoverished country with a corrupt justice system and water that has feces, rats, and God knows what else.

CLAIRE

Yeah, but my friend said it's fun.

KATE

Your friend was drunk. Let's go to Hawaii. Besides, what if something bad happens to us in Thailand and my dad thinks I'm in Hawaii?

CLAIRE DANES

What could possibly happen? Thailand means freedom, so nothing will go wrong.

KATE

Ooooooh, okay. It will be easy to just switch plane tickets and have our parents miss the fact that we're not on a plane to Hawaii.

CLAIRE

You bet it will.

INT. TINY HOTEL ROOM IN THAILAND, FULL OF COCKROACHES

CLAIRE

We are so free. This is really living.

A COCKROACH crawls across the floor. Claire and Kate scream, as do all of the annoying junior high girls in the audience.

EXT. NICE HOTEL IN THAILAND

Claire and Kate have snuck in to use the hotel's pool. They get caught, but luckily, Daniel Lapaine saves the day.

DANIEL LAPAINE

I am Australian. I like both of you. Want to go to Hong Kong for the weekend?

CLAIRE AND KATE

Sure. You're cute.

DANIEL

All right. I'll go on ahead for no apparent reason, but I've bought you two plane tickets, so just meet me there. Hey, look over there!

CLAIRE AND KATE

Where??

While Claire and Kate have their heads turned, Daniel places a kilo of smack in their backpack.

DANIEL

Oh, nevermind. See you in "HK!"

INT. HONG KONG AIRPORT

THAI SECURITY MEN

We are MEAN security guards. We have no sympathy and no respect for life. We speak Thai in a mean mean tone of voice. We are mean. TETSURO TANAKA AKIKO WAKABAYASHI!

Claire and Kate walk to the ticket counter, naive as can be.

MEAN SECURITY GUARDS

MEE KOW QUAN HOO SHA NOZZEE!

CLAIRE AND KATE

We don't understand you! Why are you pointing mean looking guns at us??

MEAN SECURITY GUARD WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH

Let me see your backpack. Ah ha! Heroin! You two drug smuggwers are going to jail FOWEVER!

CLAIRE AND KATE

Nooooo! Noooooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

INT. THAI JAIL

CLAIRE

This is all your fault.

KATE

No, this is all your fault.

CLAIRE

I am going to contact an American attorney who lives in Thailand and only helps young American girls who have been framed for smuggling drugs by good looking Australian men.

KATE

Okay, I am going to cry and walk around like a space cadet.

MEAN FEMALE SECURITY GUARD

WAIT! I must CUT YOUR HAIR AND...SCREAM AT YOU IN THAI! MEE KOW HOO HA BWANA!

CLAIRE AND KATE

Wow! Our wigs are gone!

INT. LAW OFFICE

BILL PULLMAN

Thank goodness Lake Placid isn't playing anymore. Oh, hi there. I'm the sleazy attorney. I will attempt to free Claire and Kate. Then I will get mad at them. Then I will believe them again and try to free them.

INT. THAI JAIL

BILL PULLMAN

Did either of you know about the drugs before you were arrested?

KATE

No.

CLAIRE

No...but maybe.

BILL

It's obvious you're both innocent. We will go to trial now.

A cockroach jumps into Kate's ear and gives her an ear infection. The girls in the audience shriek.

INT. THAI COURTHOUSE

MEAN THAI JUDGE

You ah boff guiwty! I sentence you to wife in pwison! MIE HAMA HOO HA KOW!

EXT. OUTSIDE THAI JAIL

CLAIRE

I will smoke a joint to show that I am a rebel. Surely the mean security guards have no problem with this.

KATE

Hey Claire! Some of our high school friends have come to visit us. That's realistic!

PAUL WALKER

Yes, junior high girls, I was in She's ll That and Varsity Blues. Since I've only got one minute to talk to Claire and Kate, I'll focus on really surface crap as opposed to something sincere. Anyway, college is great. I've got a really bad roommate.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow, like, he's free and he's, like, talking about what it's like to be someone at that age who's not in, like, jail. I get it! It's to remind us that Claire and Kate are ordinary kids just like the rest of us who are missing out on college and dating and In Sync. SWEET ASS, this movie is SOOOO deep!

BILL PULLMAN

I think I can get you girls freed by striking a deal with the corrupt Head of Justice, who just so happens to be buying drugs from the guy that framed you two.

CLAIRE AND KATE

Awesome!

INT. ANOTHER THAI COURTHOUSE

ANOTHER MEAN JUDGE

No, these girls ah stay here for WIFE!

CLAIRE

WAIT! Let Kate go! I did it! I packed the drugs in the backpack unbeknownst to her. I'll serve her sentence!

MEAN JUDGE

Fine. Kate, GO HOME!

A huge cockroach jumps into the judge's ear and kills him.

EXT. THAI JAIL

KATE

Did you REALLY smuggle the drugs?

CLAIRE

Of course not! But maybe.

KATE

Uh, anyway, thanks for agreeing to spend 96 years in here so that I can go home. Bye! I'll send you a postcard.

CLAIRE

Okay, see ya!

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

That was, like, the bestest movie ever or something. It's, like, for sure that it will win Best Picture at the MTV Movie Awards!

A huge cockroach jumps out of the screen and into the theatre, and eats all of the junior high kids.

END