FADE IN:

INT. SCARY LOOKING HOUSE OUT IN THE WOODS

DREW BARRYMORE is inside the house with a blonde wig. She is ALL ALONE. There is NO ONE within miles of her. It is nighttime, and VERY DARK outside. Of course, this house has a lot of windows, so someone outside could easily see EVERYTHING she is doing. The phone rings.

SCARY VOICE

What's your favorite scary movie?

DREW BARRYMORE

"Home Fries." Absolutely terrifying.

SCARY VOICE

Good answer, you dumb bitch. Because of that movie, I will gut you.

DREW

Noooooooooo!

A SCARY figure with a GHOST FACE costume brutally guts Drew. This is scary, because there is a lot of blood and there is NO ONE around to help.

INT. NEVE CAMPBELL'S HOUSE

It is night time at Neve's house and she is in her VIRGINAL pajamas. She is online chatting with Jennifer Love Hewitt about how they both suck as actresses. Suddenly, NEVE'S boyfriend SKEET ULRICH jumps through the window. This is scary because the audience did not expect it, and the score suddenly got louder.

NEVE CAMPBELL

Oh Skeet, you scared the heck out of me, you big jerk.

SKEET ULRICH

I am sorry. Please have sex with me.

NEVE

No, I can't. If I want to survive a horror movie, then I must be a virgin.

(Neve's lips start to quiver)

This will be my annoying whimper that I will use throughout all of my movies. It is not unlike whining.

SKEET

Whatever, I gotta go...uhhh...see a friend.

NEVE

Whimper whimper.

SKEET stands behind Neve and puts on the infamous GHOST FACE costume. This symbolizes the fact that Neve is a dumb bitch who doesn't have a clue that her boyfriend is a psycho killer.

SCARY VOICE

Hello, Neve, what's your favorite scary movie?

NEVE

"54." I've never seen anything more frightening.

SCARY VOICE

I will chase you around the house now.

GHOST FACE and NEVE run around her house, knocking over every possible piece of furniture for no reason.

NEVE

(lips quivering)

What...do...you...want...fr-fr- from...me?

SCARY VOICE

I want you to stop making movies! Your movies suck!

NEVE'S friend ROSE McGOWAN arrives at her house. She is wearing only a string.

SCARY VOICE

What's your favorite scary movie?

ROSE

It's a tie between "The Doom Generation" and "Jawbreaker." Did I mention that I am MARILYN MANSON'S girlfriend, and that I am an INDIVIDUAL?

GHOST FACE cuts off Rose's tongue, rendering her unable to ever speak again.

AUDIENCE

Thank you!!

NEVE

(lips quivering)

Stop...killing...my friends!

GHOST FACE takes off his mask to reveal SKEET ULRICH.

SKEET

Surprise Neve...I'll bet you never saw this coming!

NEVE

(lips quivering)

Why....did....you....do...this?

SKEET

You mean why did "we" do this! I have an accomplice.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT comes in with a GHOST FACE costume.

JENNIFER

Neve, we can't both be multimillion dollar actresses with hit horror movies that amaze the easily amused. Therefore, I will have to kill you so the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" series can thrive without competition.

Another GHOST-FACED FIGURE appears. The mask is taken off to reveal SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR.

SMG

Not so fast. I, too, have a series of trendy teenage movies that will not do well at the box office unless you are both eliminated.

SKEET

You were in "Simply Irresistible!" You must die!

SMG

Wait! Neve was in "54!" Kill her!

NEVE

Yeah, but Jennifer was in "House Arrest!"

JENNIFER

Skeet should die! He was in "The Newton Boys!"

EVERYONE

Now I see what this is all about. We have all been in bad movies that have just sucked. If we continue to make such crap and pass it along as quality entertainment, we might end up dead. Perhaps it's time to trade in our SAG cards and go to college.

Two characters bump into each other, the score suddenly gets louder, and this scares the audience.

END