FADE IN:

INT. VIGGO MORTENSEN'S UNREMARKABLE HOME

VIGGO and his UNREMARKABLE CHILDREN have an unremarkable breakfast.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

It sure is nice living in my quiet, simple life. What are you all planning for today?

HEIDI HAYES

I'm reviewing the four lines I have in the movie.

ASHTON HOLMES

I'm going to be picked on by a bully for unrealistic reasons, which serves only as a setup for an overt point about violence later when I beat the bully within inches of his life.

MARIA BELLO

I'm getting ready to dress up in a ridiculously hot cheerleader outfit so we can sixty-nine tonight. Seriously.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Oh. Well, at least my diner is unremarkable.

INT. UNREMARKABLE DINER

VIGGO walks through the mundane details of how he runs his diner as slowly as possible.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

(sighing)

Ah, life is so gratifyingly dull. When not at home, I mean.

Suddenly, TWO GUYS enter. They are dirty, unshaven, scowling, and wearing black. They are BAD GUYS.

BAD GUY 1

This is a robbery! Give me your money!

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Goodness! What a remarkable event in my otherwise unremarkable life! Please, don't hurt us!

BAD GUY 1

Hurt you? Dude, earlier today we didn't want to pay for our hotel room, so we killed everyone in the joint.

BAD GUY 2

And a little girl.

BAD GUY 1

And her dog.

BAD GUY 2

Which he raped.

BAD GUY 1

With a knife.

BAD GUY 2

That we bought from Osama Bin Laden.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Okay, I get it. You're bastards.

BAD GUY 2

That's right! And we will needlessly illustrate our villainy by threatening your waitress!

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Then you leave me no choice.

VIGGO suddenly TOTALLY KILLS THE SHIT out of the BAD GUYS.

BAD GUY 2

(gurgling blood from gaping hole at bottom of face)

Rgghhrllgh.

INT. VIGGO MORTENSEN'S UNREMARKABLE HOME

VIGGO'S FAMILY gathers around him to support him.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

I feel remorse.

ASHTON HOLMES

Violence is great!

VIGGO MORTENSEN

No, son! Violence is terrible!

ASHTON HOLMES

Er, but, violence actually DID save that waitress's lif--

VIGGO MORTENSEN

VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS WRONG ALL OF THE TIME.

ASHTON HOLMES

Even if a bully is picking on you with virtually no character motivation?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Even then, violence is wrong, though the audience will certainly enjoy knowing that happens.

Suddenly, ED HARRIS WITH A SCARRED FACE and TWO RANDOM GOONS show up.

ED HARRIS

Hey old buddy. You used to be a hitman, and you did this to my face.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

That's preposterous! I didn't do your makeup at all!

ED HARRIS

No, my eye. You took it and ate it. I'll be back.

He and his GOONS leave.

MARIA BELLO

You used to be a hitman?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

No, of course not!

ASHTON HOLMES

Yeah, but you really were, right?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

No!

AUDIENCE

Sure, but you secretly were, though?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Absolutely not!

MARIA BELLO

Fine. No director would waste this much screen time just having you deny it if it were true - I believe you.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

(pause)

Ha! I totally was a hitman! I had you all fooled!

VIGGO proceeds to KILL THE FUCKING SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF ED AND HIS GOONS.

ED HARRIS

I'm somehow unprepared for this!

(dies)

GOON

Me hurt!

(dies also)

VIGGO relaxes.

MARIA BELLO

Wow, this movie was really short. And basically nothing happened in it at all. Amazing.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

It's not over. I have to go to Philadelphia and kill a lot of other people in order for us to be safe.

ASHTON HOLMES

Kick some ass, dad!

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Remember, violence is never the answer. Except right now - it's the answer this time.

VIGGO goes to PHILADELPHIA and kills A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE. Then he goes home.

Nothing else happens. At all.

END