FADE IN:

EXT. WYOMING

HEATH LEDGER and JAKE GYLLENHAAL interview for a summer job as sheep wranglers, in one of those old-fashioned interviews where they don't have to say or do anything.

RANDY QUAID

Last year I had near twenty-five percent loss on them there sheep, so I want ya to buck the Game and Fish rules and sleep up by the sheep herd.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Shit, that sounds dangerous. What if some a’ them Game and Fish Wardens discovered the literal entrance to hell in a parking lot and use it to shove rule-breakers into?

RANDY QUAID

What the... Son, you confused? This here's the gay cowboy movie. The big one. The one that laughs at Moonlight and clucks its tongue at Carol. They can't touch our holy grail of status, we're fuckin' Star Wars for gays, we're the movie that if ya hate it ya're a bigot and ya're pronouns become "Be, bis" for bigot. Ya feel me?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I let a fourth of your sheep die last year, please re-hire me.

(sadness eyes)

RANDY QUAID

Do ya make that face in every role? Whatever, go see if ya can wring some lines out of Mr. Silence over there.

HEATH LEDGER

(grumble)

HEATH and JAKE go to a bar.

HEATH LEDGER

I like beer. I’m marrying a woman whose last name is “Beer.” Seriously, I am. A WOMAN, boo, hiss. My parents are dead and I have no money. So who are you?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Me? Shit, when I was a kid I had trouble piss training so my old man peed all over me and the sight of his foreskin caused me to have an identity crisis.

HEATH LEDGER

...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It was icky-lookin’, okay?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Errrrr, let’s cut that bit out.

HEATH and JAKE go up the mountain and save a bunch of hippies from drowning set up camp.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hippies? Was that for real? That’s one of those myths, like “the cast of Alien didn’t know about the chestburster,” right?

ANG LEE

Um...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Test audiences wanted us to let the hippies die, didn’t they?

ANG LEE

They were shouting, let’s see...

(checks notes)

“Oh my God get to the gay stuff already.”

They order food and eat the food and loose the food and wash some clothes and shoot some animals and eat the animals and get drunk and finally they get to the GAY COWBOY STUFF so everyone can stop fidgeting. Or start fidgeting, if you will.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Sure is cold in this tent. That we been eatin' beans every meal must set an amorous atmosphere. Shit.

HEATH LEDGER

I dunno, Jake. I feel everthin' in my life is stretched between some great, invisible line. Some good on one end, bad on the other. That’s fear on the bad end, and love on the good end, and I don’t know where on this lifeline I can place you.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I say you can take your lifeline exercise ideas and forcibly insert them into my anus!

HEATH LEDGER

(whips out penis)

You wanna see a magic trick?

(shoves Jake’s head onto his penis)

Ta-da! It’s gone!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Mmmph!

HEATH spits two drops of saliva on his dick and rams it up JAKE with all the gentleness of an accident at Running of the Bulls.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

OW OW THIS HURTS HOLY FUCK I’M GOING TO BE SHITTING BLOOD ALL WEEK WHYYYYY

CRITICS

I don’t get it. Why would the gay people enjoy this if they can’t actually see any penis?

(pause)

Like, can you pan down? Please?

EXT. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

HEATH and JAKE continue to have lots of sex and lots of neglecting their job.

HEATH LEDGER

You know I ain’t queer.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Me neither. We are clearly close heterosexual friends who have tremendous respect for each other.

HEATH LEDGER

I wonder if enough conservatives will argue this point that an actual subset of our Wikipedia page will be all about whether we’re gay or REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I kinda want to know what those conservatives are doing with their really close friends, then.

CRITICS

Seriously, where is the penis? I just can’t figure out why any gay man would enjoy a movie if it doesn’t have penis in it. Hmm.

Eventually RANDY kicks them off early for being genuinely terrible ranchers drinking each other’s saliva from the source.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You ain’t doin’ this again next summer? Shirt, I guess I’ll see ya around.

HEATH LEDGER

Did you say “Shirt?”

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

What? No. I didn’t say anything about shirts. Nothing at all. Shit.

INT. ELSEWHERE IN WYOMING

HEATH marries MICHELLE WILLIAMS who is introduced dressed as a FURBALL.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh Heath, marriage to an emotionally distant jobless pauper like you makes me so happy! Whoops, popped out a baby. Oops, there’s another one. Maybe we can slow down on that front? And you can get a stable job at one of these openings I found?

HEATH LEDGER

Hell no. I seem to view you as a baby factory, nanny, and sole full-time wage earner.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

(pause)

This is NOT going to end well, is it.

Some random guy at Michelle’s work starts giving her doe eyes. Pretend he is TOM HARDY for bonus 2018 fun.

EXT. TEXAS

JAKE is trying to make it in the rodeo when he meets ANNE HATHAWAY.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Golly gee dern, let’s dance, handsome rodeo man!

(ripping off shirt)

And now, boobs!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Ack!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hurryhurryhurry we gotta have the sex rightnowrightnow okay done gotta go BYYYYYE I’m back let’s get married do you I do here's a kid.

CRITICS

Oh, now you’ve done it! You’ve shown boobs! Now the gay men will be fleeing for the exit! Fleeing, I tell you!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You guys are having weird reactions to stuff. Like, enjoying "Crash." That's weird.

JAKE marries ANNE who celebrates by purchasing a vast array of HORRIBLE BLEACHED WOOKIE-HAIR WIGS.

EXT. WYOMING

Four years after Brokeback, JAKE reunites with HEATH. They immediately try to eat each other’s faces in a bout of aggressive lip-wrestling, but good thing they waited until they got in a safe and private location OOPS THAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF MICHELLE well we’ll worry about that later.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I didn’ expect we’d get into this again. I thought we’d sit in a bar, swap photos of our kids, complain about work, shake hands before I drive back to Texas...

HEATH LEDGER

(arches eyebrow)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Or maybe I already booked us a motel room. Let’s go.

They begin an affair spanning YEARS of “fishing trips,” during which they wander around the cheaper version of Wyoming known as CANADA.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It could be like this all the time, y’know. Ditch our families. Get a ranch together. Erect a giant sign saying “NO GAYS HERE, HONEST.” It’s a great plan!

HEATH LEDGER

Funny, you seem like a devoted father while I’m two small steps above a deadbeat, but I’m the one saying no. We must maintain this painful lie, no matter what happens, or we’ll be killed.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It’s hard to admit, but you’re right.

(drives back to Texas)

MICHELLE divorces HEATH.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(driving back)

yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeEEEEEAAAAHHHH LET’S DO THIS WHOO WHOO WHOO THE DUMBASS FAMILY IS OUT OF THE WAY

HEATH LEDGER

Dude, my daughters are right there.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Er, hi.

YOUNG KATE MARA

Hi.

HEATH LEDGER

You didn’t expect me to instantly go ranch-shopping with you, right?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hey I thought this was part of your plan!

HEATH LEDGER

Do I really look like a guy with a plan?!

JAKE mopes his way back to Texas, leaving HEATH to avoid the dangers of talking tractors, magic tea kettles, anthropomorphic badgers, ghost devil cows, and the aforementioned hell entrance that all exist in the BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN SHARED LITERARY UNIVERSE.

INT. THANKSGIVING

MICHELLE has married the Tom Hardy Work Guy and they’ve invited HEATH over for Thanksgiving.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

You should marry someone else, Heath. Like, some other woman. WOMAN.

HEATH LEDGER

Yep, I got a real shot at that Husband of the Year award.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

You liar, Heath! I suspected you and Jake weren’t off fishing! I slipped a note on your fishing line, and the note was still there when you came back! I PROVED you were up to something secret!

HEATH LEDGER

...which you didn’t already figure out when you saw us kissing?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

I had ALL THE DENIAL, okay?

HEATH gets so angry he runs out and chases cars! But he doesn’t know what to do with one when he catches it, so the driver beats him up and then leaves and it doesn't matter.

INT. SOME TEXAS DANCE CLUB

JAKE runs into some TOTALLY RANDOM DUDE at a party.

TOTALLY RANDOM DUDE

I have an empty cabin. Want to have sex there?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Maybe? I dunno, let’s just kinda never resolve this or bring it up again.

TOTALLY RANDOM DUDE

I wonder if this will become super distracting in thirteen years should I become a famous A-lister.

This just in: The Adventures of JAKE GYLLENHAAL and JIM HOPPER as they battle homophobic Demogorgons and bang in his secret cabin! Coming soon to fanfiction.net by a completely straight male author.

EXT. MORE WYOMING

JAKE and HEATH continue their secret romance, though JAKE is plagued wondering if HEATH will ever truly commit to him and if their feelings can possibly weather the years of strain and secrecy, and HEATH is plagued wondering how to talk JAKE into shaving his stupid new mustache.

HEATH LEDGER

I’m sorry, Jake. I can’t get time off to come out here with you again until November.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

November?! Shit, not November! This would mean something if I had any idea what month it currently was! Argh, you make me miserable, Heath!

HEATH LEDGER

It’s your fault I’m like this, Jake! You and your smoldering mournful eyes and voice that doesn’t sound like a mistuned trombone like mine!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I wish I knew how to quit you! I wish I had a Heath Patch and could go to Heath Rehab and maybe some sort of Anti-Heath Therapy and hold on I think Mike Pence is getting an erection.

They sob into each other’s arms, then reminisce about their young love on Brokeback Mountain, a place and time they will never return to.

AUDIENCE

This is heartbreaking. I’m glad this movie has helped open my eyes to the struggles of closeted gay men around the world.

GAY COMMUNITY

And we’re glad this landmark representation arrives in a well-crafted story told by passionate artists. Surely this will be appreciated as a cinematic triumph for years to come.

Ah, yes. Let's look about ten years into the future.

IDIOTS

This movie follows the “Sad Gay” trope! It’s a “Kill-Your-Gays” movie! Not enough drag queens! We demand happy endings only! THIS IS CINEMATIC HOMOPHOBIA

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You guys do realize every gay man over thirty is rolling his eyes at you, right?

HEATH LEDGER

Wait, did they say something about “Kill your gays?”

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I’m sure it’s nothing.

The IDIOTS go watch CALL ME BY YOUR NAME again but are surprised to find every single copy of that movie has melted into a sticky peach-colored slop and no one can tell the difference.

EXT. WYOMING AGAIN

JAKE IS DEAD.

Wait, what?

YEP. DEAD JAKE. HEATH calls ANNE to find out what happened.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hell if I know. Seriously, I have no idea. Maybe it was an accident, maybe he got beat to death by angry Texans, but can’t you just be glad he didn’t die of AIDS from a Mexican prostitute? Some studio head DEFINITELY floated that idea somewhere.

HEATH visits JAKE’S PARENTS who live inside a tiny Portal Testing Chamber.

HEATH LEDGER

I came to tell you Jake wanted his ashes scattered on Brokeback Mountain, and I am happy to do that for him. I also came to tell you there are more colors of paint than white. Here, have some paint chips.

JAKE’S MOM

It’s so sweet of you to-

JAKE’S ASSHOLE DAD

Me and my foreskin decided Jake’s staying in the crappy family plot out back. Also Jake gave up on you and fell in love with someone else. And that’s probably what lead to him gettin’ beat to death, so go develop a guilt complex for the rest of your sad, lonely life.

HEATH LEDGER

Hey, I’m not lonely! I have a daughter who’s like two years younger than me.

HEATH goes up to JAKE’S ROOM where he finds Jake kept his SHIRT!

HEATH LEDGER

Oh my God! Jake held onto this shirt for years! Or he shoved it behind a wardrobe in his childhood bedroom and forgot about it but MY SHIIIIRT

JAKE’S MOM

This is the most ROMANTIC SHIRT EVER

HEATH LEDGER

HOLY MOTHER-FORKING SHIRTBALLS

HEATH takes the shirt, and all his other mementos of JAKE, and stuffs them in a closet. A GIANT, LITERAL CLOSET.

ANNIE PROULX

And that’s the end! I’m so happy my writing found mainstream success with a faithful screen adaptation.

COMPLETELY STRAIGHT MALE FANFICTION AUTHORS

Then Jake turned out to be alive, his penis had grown four sizes, he had secretly bought a San Francisco apartment above a leather bar where he and Heath lived happily ever after with their five muscular manservants. Here you go Annie, will you announce my new ending as official canon?

ANNIE PROULX

On second thought I’m never selling any screenplay rights ever again.

Everyone’s Oscar dreams CRASH and burn, but let’s be honest, if it had really won everyone would have just griped about how overrated it was like they do with every winner every year.

END