FADE IN:

EXT. 1974

YORKSHIRE is being terrorized by a series of CHILD KIDNAPPINGS and MURDERS.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Hey everyone. I’m the scrawny young reporter that’s going to solve these murders. I may not have Spidey powers but apparently in 1974 England my pale, lamppost physique is an irresistible fuck magnet, so there’s that.

(fucks)

DAVID MORRISSEY

I’m going to linger in the background until the third movie when I finally do stuff.

(fucks off)

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Meanwhile I’ll be over here knowing the answers to everything, if anyone gives a shit.

(they don’t)

ANDREW’S JOURNALIST BUDDY

You’ll need to be careful, Andrew. Not only is there an evil pedophile kidnapping ring, but also an evil corrupt cop ring protecting them, using subtle misdirection tricks like blatantly coerced confessions and violent murder. But on the other hand, I’m here to help!

(is killed)

ANDREW GARFIELD

Fuck!

(fucks)

REBECCA HALL

As one of the dead girls’ mothers, I’ll both help, and fuck!

(fucks)

(is killed)

ANDREW GARFIELD

(incomprehensible mumbling)

SEAN BEAN

Har har! I killed Rebecca, and I’m connected to one or both of the evil rings! Evil rings are kind of my thing, you see.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Well so is dying in the first movie of trilogies! Fuck you!

(kills Sean Bean)

Dammit, there’s nobody left to fuck.

(kills self)

EXT. 1980

PADDY CONSIDINE

As a rare non-evil cop, it falls to me to take on this incredibly corrupt police force. I'll have to be extra special careful not to tip my hand, and also make sure they can't use my past affair with a co-worker against me.

(tips hand)

(fucks co-worker)

(disgraced)

(killed)

Shit.

EXT. 1983

STADIUM ANNOUNCER

And with two dead in the bottom of the ninth, it looks like it’s all up to… Mark Addy? Holy fuck.

(is killed)

MARK ADDY

Hey, my dad was a corrupt cop AND in the pedophile ring, so I’m sure to finally crack this case and deduce the identity of the head pedo.

PRIEST

Well it sure isn’t me, the creepy priest that’s had a bunch of scenes while not doing much.

(pause)

Okay, it’s me.

DAVID MORRISSEY

Fuck, really?! We could have solved this fucking case in two minutes! That does it!

(shoots priest)

MARK ADDY

To be fair, it’s not meant to be a big complex mystery. It’s a simple mystery protected by near-impenetrable layers of police corruption and Yorkshire accents. Small wonder it took us three movies to get through all that.

DAVID MORRISSEY

Fine. So now I guess we take down the corrupt cop ring before they complete their master plan of…

(checks script)

…building a shopping mall? Seriously? Shit, let’s just end here.

END