FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

FAT, SLOVENLY PROFESSIONAL ASSHOLE JOSH BROLIN chugs vodka out of a styrofoam cup. This is meant to be PATHETIC, but in a half hour, the AUDIENCE will wish they had done the same.

JOSH'S BOSS

Josh, you are an irredeemable cunt of a human being. You have one last chance to not fuck up a major deal or you're fired.

JOSH'S CLIENT

Same here. I'd gladly give you all of my money if you weren't trying to eyefuck my wife right in front of me, then actually fuck my wife when I'm just out of the room.

JOSH'S WIFE

Ditto. I would rather dip our daughter in steak sauce and leave her with a swarm of honey badgers than have her spend one more afternoon with your sorry ass.

JOSH'S LIVER

I also disagree with your lifestyle choices.

JOSH BROLIN

I need a vacation....

JOSH fucks up all of these things in a single day, then celebrates by DRINKING. He stumbles through the streets in a drunken haze, finally spotting a RANDOM LADY with an UMBRELLA.

JOSH BROLIN

Time to turn on the

(vomits)

charm!

INT. ROOM

JOSH awakens in SHITTY HOTEL ROOM.

JOSH BROLIN

Hmm, these doors seem to be locked and no one is responding to my pleas. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be out of here soon.

INT. ROOM, 20 YEARS LATER

JOSH BROLIN

Fuck.

In the interim, JOSH has evolved from a FAT, SLOVENLY ASSHOLE into TOM HANKS from the last half of CASTAWAY. He has been surviving on SHITTY CHINESE FOOD, YOGA, and a steady stream of EXPOSITION from his EXPOSITION BOX TELEVISION.

TV ANNOUNCER

And now ladies and gentleman, we revisit the infamous murder of Josh Brolin's wife! Yes, that's right! This one random unsolved murder of exactly one woman has apparently captured the nation's attention for two solid decades! So, Josh's daughter, how does knowing your father murdered your mother and disappeared make you feel?

JOSH'S DAUGHTER

With Spike Lee's "just say the line" style of direction it's very hard to say. Sad, I guess? Is this a sad face I'm making?

JOSH vows REVENGE on the person who MURDERED his wife and IMPRISONED him. He makes a LIST of everyone he was ever a JACKASS to, then tries ANGSTING his way out through the walls. This FAILS, but the bad guy LETS HIM GO ANYWAY.

EXT. FIELD

JOSH spots the UMBRELLA LADY in a nearby FOOTBALL FIELD.

JOSH BROLIN

Hey! You're the lady who trapped me in the world's longest one night stand! I have questions to growl at you!

FOOTBALL PLAYER

Excuse me, kind sir. You seem to be bothering this fine young lady over here. Would you please conduct yourself in a more courteous manner, or, failing that, excuse yourself from this conversation as she seems to be uncomfortable with your presence?

JOSH politely declines this ultimatum by BEATING THE EVER-LOVING PISS out of a gang of SEVENTEEN YEAR OLDS while their HORRIFIED GIRLFRIENDS look on.

JOSH BROLIN

Let that be a lesson to you. Never defend strangers from crazy hobos. Now if you'll excuse me...

JOSH loses sight of the LADY and takes out his frustration on a RANDOM GUY holding the same UMBRELLA. He is stopped by ELIZABETH OLSEN.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

You're pale, ugly, and smell like two decades of bad potstickers but I find myself inexplicably infatuated with you. Here's my number just in case the plot requires a love interest later on.

INT. TAVERN

JOSH visits his old drinking buddy, MICHAEL IMPERIOLI.

MICHEAL IMPERIOLI

Oh wow. My old friend, a raging alcoholic who I haven't seen in twenty years who, as far as I know, brutally killed his wife and then vanished without a trace. Huh. Anyway, what's up?

JOSH BROLIN

I need your help. This magic glowing rectangle keeps making noises at me.

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

Just swipe to the right to answer the call.

JOSH answers a call from SHARLTO COPLEY.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Good evening, Josh. In case my accent didn't tip you off, I'm excruciatingly evil. I've kidnapped your daughter and will kill her unless you can find me and unravel my ludicrously convoluted revenge scheme.

JOSH BROLIN

I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Good luck.

(hangs up)

JOSH goes to dozens of CHINESE RESTAURANTS in the span of about an hour to try and find the place that makes his SHITTY CHINESE FOOD.

JOSH BROLIN

(eating)

Bingo, this is the stuff! Lucky for me the prison that held me orders dozens of bags of Chinese food literally every day, rather than just cooking food themselves, like a normal prison. Now let me just commandeer this bright yellow and red delivery bicycle to give chase to the delivery van, because police do not exist in this universe. I'll also bring a hammer to defend myself with, because neither do guns.

INT. EVIL HOTEL

After BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERING two men who, as far as he knew at the time, could have been innocent men picking up a large order of CHINESE FOOD, JOSH gains entrance to the strangely undefended SECRET PRISON/HOTEL. Inside he discovers...

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Sup, motherfuckers. Since I'm the only black character of any substance in this Spike Lee joint, I'm sure I'll be treated with dignity and respect.

JOSH straps SAMUEL to a table, jams spikes through his hands, cuts his throat open and pours salt in the wound.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Goddammit, Spike.

JOSH BROLIN

Now talk, before I get really Medieval on your ass! Who's the asshole who paid you to lock me in a Tommy Wiseau setpiece for 20 years?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I ain't saying shit.

JOSH BROLIN

The path of the righteous man is best on all sides by the tyranny of evil men...

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Alright, alright. Much like Tommy Wiseau I have recorded everything! Check in that cabinet to see my collection of horrible tapes.

JOSH BROLIN

Hmm, let's see, Bamboozled, Miracle at St. Anna, AH! Here we go, evidence aiming me vaguely in the direction of someone I went to prep school with named Sharlto Copley. Almost certainly a fake name, but whatever. You've been a doll, Sam.

As JOSH exits, he is accosted by a FUCKTON of NAMELESS MOOKS.

HEAD MOOK

Ready, men? Open fire!!

There is some shuffling and awkward coughing.

HEAD MOOK

Really? No one in this entire secret prison has one fucking gun? Oh well. I'm sure our bricks of balsa wood and papier-mache crowbars will do just fine.

JOSH BROLIN

JOSH SMASH!!!!

JOSH utilizes all of his TARANTINO powers to fight his way out of the building. He is badly wounded. ELIZABETH comes to tend to him.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

You've got dozens of bruises and microfractures across your body and a six inch knife jammed up to the hilt in your shoulder blade, as well as enough shitty Chinese food in your system that your blood stream is 90% MSG, but I have vaguely defined medical abilities so one tiny IV drip of Protagonist Brand health potion ought to get you back to your usual indestructible self in a matter of minutes.

JOSH BROLIN

I should kill you.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I am so turned on right now. I will aid you in your quest.

EXT. PREP SCHOOL

JOSH and ELIZABETH sneak into the old abandoned PREP SCHOOL to look for CLUES.

JOSH BROLIN

Zoinks! This yearbook photo that I totally had to gain access to via breaking and entering and not just asking Michael Imperioli for his copy has jogged my memory! It turns out I went to prep school with a billionaire's kid and I caught his sister getting it on with a creepy old guy in the school greenhouse. And then the family fled to Luxembourg and they were all murdered horribly except the kid who survived.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Naturally either that kid or his sister were on the top of your list of people you were assholish towards, considering how you made it your personal job to make her life a living hell after you caught her doing it.

JOSH BROLIN

Er, yeah, naturally. Also I was apparently a raging alky at sixteen. Man, I really hope my daughter never learns how fucked up I am.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yeah, that sure would suck. But at least you'd never do something so horrible as sleep with someone way outside your age range.

JOSH BROLIN

Of course not. I ruined a young girl's life for doing just that!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Wanna bang?

JOSH BROLIN

Do I ever!

They SCREW LIKE BUNNIES while SHARLTO watches on his MAGIC TV SCREEN that can see EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile, MICHAEL uses GOOGLE to discover everything JOSH discovered but without the BREAKING AND ENTERING.

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

It turns out the billionaire's daughter we all made fun of back in prep school had a billionaire brother who has had motive and means to make Josh suffer immensely. I really hope he doesn't saunter back into this bar that he sauntered into earlier with no issue just as I'm about to relay this crucial information.

SHARLTO COPLEY

(sauntering)

Sup.

SHARLTO kills MICHAEL and leaves JOSH his TONGUE.

JOSH BROLIN

Oh wow. My only friend in the world, who stuck by me even when he had every reason to believe I was a wife-murdering alcoholic fugitive, has been brutally killed and dismembered. Huh. Anyway, I'm off to the final boss fight.

INT. SHARLTO'S PENTHOUSE

JOSH confronts SHARLTO.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yes, I'm the billionaire with the murdered family who you didn't remember you went to school with. You see, that old guy you saw banging my sister was my father. He had a thing for "keeping it in the family", shall we say. Anyway, when you spread those rumors about us, you drove him insane. He killed my sister and my mother but I survived and have been seeking revenge on you ever since.

JOSH BROLIN

Whoa, wait, THAT'S my big crime here? Breaking up the weird pedophilic, incestuous love quadrangle between the four members of your family?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yes, you bastard.

JOSH BROLIN

That might the one okay thing I've done in my entire life! I mean, sure, picking on a teenage girl was shitty but you've clearly got Stockholm Syndrome towards your father! Maybe if you weren't so bugshit crazy you could have realized you needed twenty years of therapy, not twenty years watching me masturbate!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Oh, my craziness is far more bugshitty than you realize!! For instance, the girl you thought was your daughter was actually some random chick I've been hiring to make videos since she was ten! She was never in any danger, making her the only consistently present female character in this movie not threatened with sexual violence! Your daughter is actually... Elizabeth Olsen!

JOSH BROLIN

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yes, brilliantly sadistic isn't it?

JOSH BROLIN

More like freakishly implausible. So you murdered my wife, abducted my daughter, and raised her in secret to become a nurse-type thing who would somehow fall in love with one random hobo she caught roughing up some other random hobo in the medication line?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yes, exactly.

JOSH BROLIN

And I assume you also knew I'd get wounded in my raid on Sam Jackson's evil hotel so me and Elizabeth could bond over my recovery.

SHARLTO COPLEY

That I did not anticipate, but it worked out nicely for me all the same.

JOSH BROLIN

And considering how that girl over there wasn't even my daughter and was never in real danger, what were you going to do if I decided to fuck off to Acapulco? Shake your fists at me?

SHARLTO COPLEY

I, er, knew you were more moral than that.

JOSH BROLIN

More moral? I beat the living piss out of some teenage football players because they tried to stop me from roughing up a woman in public. This was after I began my quest for redemption, by the way.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Now that you mention it, this plan involved an awful lot of lucky coincidences. Also I have cameras in literally every building you've been in this entire film. So basically, I'm God I guess.

JOSH BROLIN

I'd like for you to die now.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Gladly.

SHARLTO shoots himself.

INT. EVIL HOTEL

JOSH speaks with SAMUEL again.

JOSH BROLIN

Well that might have sucked but at least I didn't have to eat live squid.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I'm sure the movie hipsters will say it sucked for just that reason. The original Oldboy's, like, the ultimate "I saw it before it was cool" movie.

JOSH BROLIN

And the comic book hipsters will say it sucked because the original manga didn't have the incest subplot.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

And the critics will say it sucked because it's a stilted, derivative "Taken" knockoff that continues Spike Lee's inexorable slide into total Shyamalan-ification.

JOSH BROLIN

I need a vacation....

JOSH goes back to his ROOM.

END