FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT

RUSSIAN GUY and CZECH GUY walk around being very shady.

RUSSIAN GUY

Look at me, I am so stupid that I seem like an innocent little child, despite the fact that I am killing people. In fact, this comical and misplaced innocence and obsession with media is what makes me representative of the American people.

CZECH GUY

I am a criminal mastermind. I am extremely foreign, and I make sure this is very apparent. I shall be famous after filming my crimes! I shall be the greatest overactor ever!

INT. OFFICE FOR A TABLOID NEWS SHOW

TABLOID NEWS SHOW WOMAN

There is too much sensationalism and violence on television.

FRASIER

But the mindless buffoon Americans want that stuff.

TABLOID NEWS SHOW WOMAN

Well, they're dumb for it.

The movie then proceeds to wallow in the very sensationalistic violence that it condemns.

INT. SCENE OF A MURDER

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hello. I am a giant media whore. I am, in fact, trying to be married to the media in a literal sense in that I want to propose to a reporter. I am investigating this crime scene.

EDWARD BURNS

I hate the media. I will also investigate. I can be Robert's sidekick.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I don't know why I'm actually tolerating your presence, but feel free to join me as I move through the media-obsessed society to find the killers.

EDWARD BURNS

Okay, but only if I'm allowed to have one direct rip off of Backdraft for every three rip offs you do of buddy cop movies.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Deal. I'll see you tomorrow.

INT. DE NIRO'S APARTMENT

De Niro gets ganked by the killers.

ROBERT DE NIRO

You can't kill me! I've been inaccurately established as the main protagonist!

CZECH GUY

You know the cliche that killers in movies always explain their convoluted master plans to the good guy when they think they have the good guy right where they want him? Well, I will do that now. You see, I'm going to film my crimes. This will allow me to explain that I am insane, so I will plead insanity. Then when I get up for evaluation, I will be found sane, and then due to the Double Jeopardy law I can't be convicted again. I will get off scott free and sell the rights to my story for millions.

ROBERT DE NIRO

That's totally absurd. And besides, aren't there many many ways to kill people in a way that makes you look insane other than filming your crimes? Ways that not only wouldn't be as stupid but also would make a more interesting story, thus giving you more money for the rights to it?

CZECH GUY

Yes, but that wouldn't allow incompetent director John Herzfeld to construct this biting satire of our pathetic media loving society.

ROBERT DE NIRO

This is biting?

RUSSIAN GUY

This is a satire?

INCOMPETENT DIRECTOR JOHN HERZFELD

Shut up, both of you! I am beating you over the head with my point in a very very clever way, dammit! Kill De Niro!

CZECH GUY

Okey.

He kills De Niro.

AUDIENCE

It's kind of hard to care about the guy dying considering that the movie has been beating us over the head with a point to which De Niro represents the exact opposite.

CZECH GUY

Now I will sell the video to Frasier. In real life, this probably would not actually be aired, but for the purpose of the satire he will air it.

RUSSIAN GUY

But then isn't the film criticizing us for being obsessed with violence and having no standards despite the fact that we actually do?

CZECH GUY

Quiet! Never interrupt me when I am overacting.

INT. POLICE STATION

EDWARD BURNS

I am taking care of Vera Farmiga. You may think something will happen with her, but watch, absolutely nothing will.

He saves her from a fire. After FRASIER airs the video, The CZECH GUY turns himself in and the RUSSIAN GUY gets away.

As the CZECH guy is being taken into police custody, EDWARD kidnaps him along with EDDIE FROM FAMILY MATTERS.

EDDIE FROM FAMILY MATTERS

I want a career!

EDWARD outmaneuvers the police and takes the CZECH GUY to an abandoned area.

EDWARD BURNS

Ha! I have taken you away from the safety of the police! Now it's just you and me.

(a minute passes)

Okay, I'm done with you. Here are the police, go with them. It's a good thing I brought you all the way out here to do absolutely nothing, isn't it?

EXT. OUTSIDE, WHERE SOMEONE IS CLEARLY ABOUT TO DIE

EDWARD BURNS actually says out loud to the CZECH GUY what the audience is obviously aware of and has thought of.

CZECH GUY

I'm insane. Ha ha.

The RUSSIAN GUY sells a tape of the CZECH GUY explaining his plan to FRASIER, despite the fact that it would have been impossible for him to switch tapes and restart recording so quickly without the CZECH GUY noticing.

CZECH GUY

Damn, I am foiled.

EDWARD shoots him.

RUSSIAN GUY

I am also foiled.

EDWARD punches FRASIER. We're supposed to cheer, but at this point we couldn't really give TWO SHITS.

VERA FARMIGA

I will now leave, making my presence in the film utterly void of meaning, taking me down to being absolutely nothing but a plot device.

EDWARD BURNS

I hate the media. Look what it does to people.

FRASIER continues covering the story. Sensationalism and violence continue to reign. Nobody in the film learns ANYTHING from the events that transpired and nobody becomes a better person.

INCOMPETENT DIRECTOR JOHN HERZFELD

See? It's pointless! No matter what we do, the rest of society will always be so pathetic that it must receive all information and thought from the media.

AUDIENCE

You mean like how you wanted to communicate your childish and obvious point to us via this film?

INCOMPETENT DIRECTOR JOHN HERZFELD

Yes, exactly like that.

The AUDIENCE leaves and rents MAD CITY, which is just as childish and blatant as 15 MINUTES, but at least is more fun to watch and has a better story.

END