FADE IN:

INT. COURTROOM AKA PLAYGROUND FOR MANIPULATIVE PROTAGONIST

Lawyer ROSAMUND PIKE stands before the court and gives a big MIDDLE FINGER to the plaintiff, MACON BLAIR.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Hello everyone. This is not my first time playing a cold, conniving psychopath. I guess because... I'm really good at it for some reason. I'm also here to tell you there are no good people in this world.

MACON BLAIR

Hold up. No good people? At all? What about the millions of people sitting at home, not committing crimes? Are they bad too?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Uh, yeah I guess. Anyway, as I say in the actual movie, I used to be like you. Thinking that working hard and playing fair would lead to success and happiness. And it doesn't. Playing fair is a joke invented by rich people in order to keep the rest of us poor. Now you might think this movie will serve as a scathing critique of late stage capitalism... and I can assure you it will.

MACON BLAIR

Don't believe her, your honor! It's barely a critique of anything! Not only is she the greedy, power hungry douchebag she claims to hate, but she's decided to one up them! She's exploiting the elderly, a vulnerable class of society!

ROSAMUND PIKE

Hahaha this guy is a whack job. Am I right, Judge-who-shows-up-at-all-my-hearings-and-believes-my-performative-concern?

JUDGE ISIAH WHITLOCK JR.

I honestly can't tell if I'm in on this whole scam or if I, a judge, am too stupid to notice what's going on. But hey, that argument works for me!

(bangs gavel)

ROSAMUND PIKE

(to Macon)

Sucks to be you, nerd. Say goodbye to yo mama, sucka! I'm also gonna give you a wedgie for good measure.

MACON BLAIR

I'm gonna kill this bitch.

ROSAMUND takes GUARDIANSHIP of MACON'S mother, throws her in an old folk's home, then drains the old woman's assets for her own profit. She talks to her girlfriend and business partner, EIZA GONZÁLEZ.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Haha, did you see the look on that guy's face? He couldn't stand to be beaten by someone with a vagina!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Do we need to do the girl power thing in a movie with this premise? Can't we just be heartless psychopaths? Why is this so difficult?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Eh whatever. Who's the next geezer?

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Her name is Dianne Weist. Age 72, lives alone, no husband, no family, no criminal record, perfect credit. Hmm, sounds a little too perfect. Like a Dexter Morgan situation...

ROSAMUND PIKE

NONSENSE SHE'S PERFECT LET'S GO.

EXT. DIANNE WIEST'S HOUSE

They show up at Dianne's door.

DIANNE WIEST

Oh hello! How can I help you ladies? I was just busy solving all the puzzles on Wheel of Fortune while practicing the Latvian Gambit in chess. Later I'll be helping my neighbor Betsy build her Ikea Malm dresser without the instructions.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Not anymore, you old bat! According to this court order, you have dementia, a stutter, and whatever bullshit my doctor-friend lied about. Now pack your shit while I watch you like a hawk so you don't make any phone calls.

DIANNE WIEST

There's got to be some mistake. The last time I was in my doctor's office I solved 4 Rubix cubes while on a unicycle. If she did do this, that would mean you're all part of some intricate, multi-level con!

ROSAMUND PIKE

LoL awww. Your old, feeble brain is obviously spewing nonsense. That's why I've been made your legal guardian. And I say, sorry bitch, it's off to the Raisin Ranch with you!

They lock DIANNE up in a NURSING HOME with no phone and a fuck ton of SEDATIVES. The immediately get to work on selling ALL OF HER BELONGINGS.

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Woah! This lady has actual gold bars and diamonds in her safe deposit box. Should we be concerned? What kind of woman with no family has shit like this?

ROSAMUND PIKE

I dunno, old people have tons of weird shit! Stop asking questions. Her situation isn't suspicious at all.

A TAXI pulls up to the house and a strange man knocks on the door.

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Oh cool, Crispin Glover!

NICHOLAS LOGAN

No no, I just happen to have the same angular face. I'm here to pick up Dianne. Who are you?

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

I'm her, uh, real estate agent. She moved. Who called a taxi?

NICHOLAS LOGAN

Uh, her friend Betsy did. The woman who lost the Ikea dresser istructions. Yeah that's it...

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

We're both hiding something aren't we...

NICHOLAS LOGAN

Sure are.

INT. SUPER EVIL.. PARKING GARAGE... SOMEWHERE

NICHOLAS goes back to PETER DINKLAGE, his human trafficking RUSSIAN CRIME BOSS.

PETER DINKLAGE

My mommy isn't here? This pisses me off! I smash my artesanal macaroons in fury!

OTHER RUSSIAN GOON

You tell 'em, boss! Even though we have no idea what these "appointments" with your mom are all about.

NICHOLAS LOGAN

Hahaha wait. They needed a mob-boss antagonist so everyone would sympathize with Pike's character, but then hired the extremely likable Peter Dinklage? hahah-

(gets gun shoved in face)

Eep! Right, moving on... yes, your mother "moved" and I was too dim witted to ask any other questions. Plus my hair style is the same as Rosamund's, only mine is messier. How embarrassing!

PETER DINKLAGE

I knew it. You're a failure! I guess it's up to me. After I finish this drink, I'm gonna raise hell. Fear me! I'm an evil Russian mob boss!

He CRUSHES his MANGO KALE SMOOTHIE WITH EXTRA BANANA in his FIST.

EXT. OLD FOLKS HOME - A FEW DAYS LATER

PETER and his gang of non-Russian-accent-having RUSSIAN GOONS discover ROSAMUND'S scheme. He hires a lawyer to take ROSAMUND to court, attempts a PRISON BREAK for DIANNE, then kills DIANNE'S doctor.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Alright ya old hag, who the fuck are you really?

DIANNE WEIST

I can barely speak because of all the drugs you put me on. By the way, are you friends with Jamie Spears? I feel like you two would get along.

ROSUMUND PIKE

Tell me who you are!

DIANNE WEIST

Nerp! I'm just going to laugh and tell you that you've fucked with the wrong person! Do we ever follow through with this threat? Is our follow through kind of lame? Am I just talking shit because I'm hopped up on tranquilizers? Guess we'll never know, hahaha!

Later...

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Fuck, we messed with the Russian mafia! Diane's been living under a stolen identity! They've already killed her doctor, and next they'll be coming after us!

ROSAMUND PIKE

Dear, their lawyer couldn't fudge any paperwork to prove he's Dianne's lawyer. Then the super badass Russian mobsters failed to get past a few rent-a-cops in an old folks home. We're dealing with the dumbest crime syndicate in history. Plus, we don't know they went after the doctor. Maybe she had problems of her own!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

You had me in the first half. Every time we think you're super savvy you go ahead and say something stupid like that.

EXT. UNDISCLOSED LOCATION WHERE THE SCENE IS LIT ONLY BY PETER'S CAR WITH IT'S SUPER BRIGHT LED HEADLIGHTS BECAUSE OF COURSE HE'D BE THAT DOUCHEBAG

PETER finally kidnaps ROSAMUND and ties her to a chair.

PETER DINKLAGE

Who the hell are you? You kidnapped my mother and stole my precious diamonds.

(all sinister-like)

This makes me very. very. angry.

ROSAMUND PIKE

I'm sorry, are you wearing one of those man buns with the underneath shaved? How am I supposed to take you seriously when you look like a gym bro from 2017?

PETER DINKLAGE

Like yours is any better? If that bob were any sharper I could use it to slit your throat and end this all.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Alright alright, how about this. Just pay me off. 10 million dollars and I'll release your mother.

PETER DINKLAGE

No. Even though you make a good point; it would be a huge legal nightmare getting my mother out of guardianship. And instead of threatening the judge or bribing the head of the hospice care, or any other mobster ideas, I'm just going to kill you. Because I'm evil, damnit!

(sips his $13 matcha oat milk latte)

(menacingly)

PETER'S GOONS tuck ROSAMUND in for a nice CHLOROFORM NAP, pump a few pints of VODKA into her stomach, then put her in her car and send it off into a LAKE.

ROSAMUND PIKE

(waking up)

(sinking)

Huh, I guess they didn't stick around to make sure I was dead? But oh no! The car is filling up with water and my seat belt is stuck!

(pause)

Because of course it is. Whatever, no lake can sink this Pike!

INT. ROSAMUND AND EIZA'S HIDEOUT WHERE THE GAS WAS LEFT ON OOHHH NOOOOOOO.

ROSAMUND escapes and finds EIZA, who has been badly beaten and left for DEAD.

ROSAMUND PIKE

WOW, these Russian idiots really don't know how to kill anybody, huh? Don't worry Eiza, I'm gonna get you out of here! My only serious injury is a missing tooth!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

...the fuck? How are you alive? Even if you woke after the chloroform, wouldn't you at least have alcohol poisoning? And you mean to tell me you held your breath for over two minutes while kicking out the car's heavy rear windshield?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Yep! See, according to this movie, I'm a strong, determined bitch! And that means I... gain superpowers? Also, we spent a whole scene at a convenient store so I could put my tooth in a jug of milk!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

...yeah, what is the purpose of the tooth thing? Will that come back later in the story? Or are we merely inserting trivia about how you can save a dislocated tooth by putting it in milk?

ROSAMUND PIKE

That last one I guess. Isn't that nifty, folks?

They both escape before the apartment EXPLODES. They then hatch a plan to kidnap PETER, DRUG HIM, then leave him NAKED and UNCONSCIOUS ON THE STREET.

INT. HOSPITAL

ROSAMUND sits by PETER'S bedside. He awakens to the sound of her LOUDLY SIPPING THE DREGS OF HER ICED COFFEE MY GOD SHE'S EVIL.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Surprise, motherfucker. Did you know, when an incapacitated John Doe is found, the state automatically appoints them a legal guardian to oversee their welfare? Yeah, that's right, I own you, bitch. Oh also, I had them take out your spleen for funzies lol.

PETER DINKLAGE

Damn. I was so enthralled with our awesome 80s-synth/Blade Runner soundtrack I didn't see this coming! Alright, you got me. I'll give you the 10 million.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Wait, if you could easily hand over 10 million dollars, why did you clench your anus over the diamonds I stole? Were they Stalin's personal diamonds or something? How much were they worth?

PETER DINKLAGE

I dunno, I've honestly stopped caring at this point. I have another idea. Forget the 10 million. Let's be partners. Even though we hate each other, with my connections and your determination, we could create a monster corporation running our own chain of care homes. We could make billions!

ROSAMNUND PIKE

Woah, I can finally be the owner of my own Exploitative Piece of Shit Inc.? Holy hell, I'll be flying to space with Jeff Bezos and his stupid laugh in no time!

PETER DINKLAGE

It's your dream come true. Whatdya say?

INT. NEWS STATION - SOME TIME LATER

ROSAMUND becomes the SUUUUPER RICH, Y'ALL. LIKE IMPLANTING US COMMON FOLK WITH MICROCHIPS RICH.

NEWS REPORTER

So, Rosamund, you're not a regular billionaire, you're a cool billionaire. Are you friends with Elon? Do you guys look at memes together? The suspense is killing us!

ROSAMUND PIKE

Aww stop everyone! I know I am wonderful, but I'm just an honest, hard working person living the American Dream! Gosh, aren't I insufferable? I might as well say that the reason you're all poor is because you eat too much avocado toast.

NEWS REPORTER

I will continue to lick your asshole.

Later, ROSAMUND and EIZA walk out of the news station, and ROSAMUND is SHOT by none other than... YOU GUESSED IT!

MACON BLAIR

Me bitches! Remember me?

WAIT NO, that's not who we guessed....

EIZA GONZÁLAZ

Huh. Guess with all the billions of dollars we made, we didn't think to hire security?

PETER DINKLAGE

See, why couldn't I have killed her? It's the perfect maniacal long con. I use her to make billions of dollars, then exact my revenge!

MACON BLAIR

Well, I think this movie was hoping I'd represent class warfare?

PETER DINKLAGE

..and what, killing the CEO would kill the entire corporation? Why didn't I research you and recruit you to kill her? Or hell, have my mom kill her! I do absolutely fuck-all in this movie except eat pastries for 2 hours.

ROSAMUND PIKE V.O.

(from the dead or whatever)

To make it in this country, you need to be brave, stupid, ruthless, and focused. Because playing fair, being scared... that gets you nowhere. That gets you beat. Aren't I interesting?

PETER DINKLAGE

No. Aside from the #girlboss vibes, you have no motivation for being a psycho, other than that one point in the movie where you casually mention your mother was a psycho too. And instead of a cool mafia movie, we got a toothless narrative hidden behind cool 80s' aesthetics.

MACON BLAIR

Aww c'mon, Pete. The asshole main character got her comeuppance! Don't be such a Bob Bummer!

PETER DINKLAGE

Hey, remember how you committed first degree murder and will now spend the rest of your life in prison while I presumably do nothing about it oh and also your mother died?

MACON BLAIR

(being arrested)

Aww man.

END.