FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE STUDIO

JULIA ROBERTS

I've played a hooker, a diabetic, a divorced wife, a bitchy best friend, and a stepmom. Now it's high time that I go against character and portray an egotistical movie star with a horrible temper who uses people to no end.

HUGH GRANT

I, too, will go against character and play a lovable brit with a cute sense of humor. Hey, everyone, I'm british! Woopsie-daisies!

INT. SMALL TRAVEL BOOK STORE IN NOTTING HILL, ENGLAND

HUGH GRANT is complaining about his lack of money and customers. It is easy to see why he keeps the Small Travel Book Store open. JULIA ROBERTS enters the store with a berret, sunglasses, and a gas mask, showing that she is obviously NOT a movie star hiding from the media.

HUGH

Aren't you...

JULIA

No.

HUGH

But haven't I seen you in...

JULIA

Nope. Sorry.

HUGH

But I'm almost certain that you are...

JULIA

Look, you motherfucker, I am a fucking movie star, all right? My life is hell. Who cares about cancer patients, poverty stricken individuals, or depressed working class people? I am a movie star! Don't you get it? I get paid $20 million to make mediocre motion pictures, I've had cosmetic surgery, and I can't find a nice boyfriend, and I have a horrible temper to boot.

AUDIENCE

Get me my violin and darken the lights.

JULIA

I'm sorry, Hugh. Throughout the movie, I will continue to treat you like shit and then ask for your forgiveness. Mind if I come over to your house later?

HUGH

Sure. I say love, I'm british, you know.

JULIA ROBERTS

Great, whatever. As long as you have a humorously disgusting and very english roommate.

INT. HUGH GRANT'S APARTMENT

RHYS IFANS

I am the humorously disgusting english roommate that might have caught your eye in the previews for this movie. Here...a shot of my ass crack.

AUDIENCE

Eh....

RHYS

By the way, I told the media that JULIA would be staying in our apartment and having sex with Hugh.

JULIA

Fuck shit asshole son-of-a-bitch. My life is over! I hate you!

JULIA storms out of the apartment and heads back to Hollywood.

HUGH

I'm so sad, but at least I am british.

RHYS

Want me to flash my wee-wee?

HUGH

Eh...

EXT. NOTTING HILL SQUARE

The seasons are changing, and HUGH is depressed over Julia's departure. He has been down for the last six months.

INT. HUGH'S APARTMENT

There is a knock at the door. At this point in the movie, the audience has NO IDEA who it will be...

JULIA

Hi! Mind if I stay here for a couple of days!

HUGH

Sure. Cup of tea?

JULIA

No, let's go see one of my movies!

RHYS

By the way, I thought you were a real bitch in My Best Friend's Wedding..and Stepmom...and Something To Talk About. Have you ever NOT played a bitch??

JULIA

Shut up, asshole. I died in Steel Magnolias. Hugh, I am mad again. I will once again storm out in a fit of rage and then come back to apologize. Okay?

HUGH

Sounds like a plan.

MONTHS continue to go by.

INT. SMALL TRAVEL BOOK STORE IN NOTTING HILL, ENGLAND

There is a knock at the door...

JULIA

Hi! Can you love me again?

HUGH

No, I am slowly but surely starting to figure out that you are a selfish wanker. I can't let you hurt me again. Bollocks!

JULIA

But I'm just a girl...standing in front of a boy....asking him to love her.

The AUDIENCE takes a moment to react to the horrible dialogue-writing in the film and then:

AUDIENCE

Oh, boo hoo.

HUGH

All right, I love you. Let's get married.

EXT. BEAUTIFUL WEDDING

JULIA

Here's the unpredictable part of the movie where we live happily ever after, and I will never throw another temper tantrum again...until I don't get an Oscar nomination for this movie.

HUGH

Sounds smashing. Cup of tea?

JULIA

The moral of this story is that movie stars are people, too. Sure, we may get paid about $50 million a year, and we have chauffers, cooks, trainers, and concubines, but we're no different from anyone else. In fact, you should pity us. We can't go out into the street without being adored. We can't have a thankless middle class job. We can't have acne. Sometimes, I just wish I was normal. Oh, what the hell am I saying? I love being a movie star. To hell with you all!

RHYS

Here, I'll flex my butt cheeks.

END