FADE IN:

INT. 911 ROOM

HALLE BERRY and her POOFY HAIRSTYLE are answering 911 CALLS.

HALLE BERRY

Hello ma'am, what seems to be the problem?

DOOMED WOMAN

Help! There's a man in my house!

HALLE BERRY

Okay, listen to me very carefully. Do not attempt to pick up any type of weapon that might be used to defend yourself with.

DOOMED WOMAN

Check!

HALLE BERRY

Great, now run upstairs and hide, but not in an obvious or cliched place like under the bed.

DOOMED WOMAN

Too late!

HALLE BERRY

Okay, you might still be able to survive this, just so long as you're not facing away from the door and your feet aren't sticking out from under the bed.

DOOMED WOMAN

For some reason I can only do the exact opposite of what you're saying! Now I'll hang up on you for no discernible reason!

(hangs up)

HALLE BERRY

Oh no! Standard protocol says I must call her back!

She DOES. The DERANGED SERIAL KILLER, whose face is obscured for some huge reveal later on, hears the ringing phone and finds DOOMED WOMAN.

HALLE BERRY

Listen to me serial killer guy, I have a particular set of skills like sitting on my ass and talking on phones that makes me completely nonthreatening to people like you. So if you let her go now that will be the end of it. But if you don't then I will find you and I will kill you.

DERANGED SERIAL KILLER

Good luck.

DOOMED WOMAN is later FOUND FUCKING DEAD.

HALLE BERRY

Oh no! I feel so guilty! This is all my fault!

ROMA MAFFIA

How? Technically you did everything you were supposed to. It's not your fault that woman stupidly hung up on you for no reason.

HALLE BERRY

(not listening)

ALL! MY! FAULT! Now I will punish myself by keeping my hair on its maximum poof-ball setting!

HALLE demotes herself to training PROBIES so she can teach others how to be just as EMOTIONALLY SELF LOATHING as SHE IS.

EXT. MALL

ABIGAIL BRESLIN is kidnapped by the same DERANGED SERIAL KILLER and locked in the trunk of a car, but luckily ABIGAIL stole her friend's SHITTY TRACFONE.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Help! I'm Little Miss Sunshine and I'm being Little Miss Kidnapped!

ROOKIE 911 OPERATOR

Oh no! I'm not prepared for this intense situation! Who knew being a 911 operator would be such a stressful job? Halle take over!

HALLE BERRY

But I'm still too traumatized by the death of Doomed Woman!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Bitch save me!

HALLE BERRY

Okay okay. Jesus. Don't be such a crybaby.

EXT. LOS ANGELES

The identity of DERANGED SERIAL KILLER is revealed to be just some goofy looking CANADIAN GUY named MICHAEL EKLUND who is too busy listening to AEROSMITH at full blast to hear all the CONSPIRING going on in the trunk.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Halle! I'm trapped! What do I do?!

HALLE BERRY

Hold on Abigail, I am going to attempt some measure of emotional range here. Brace yourself.

(inhales)

(exhales)

(pause)

(actual line)

So what's your favorite movie?

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LADY?!?! I am TRAPPED! In a TRUNK! And you want to know what my favorite MOVIE IS?!

HALLE BERRY

Is it Perfect Stranger? I bet it's that. Oh, or what about Gothika? Iron Man was in that one, remember?

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

(actual response)

Bridesmaids!

HALLE BERRY

That's bullshit! I wasn't even in that one!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

That's because it was good.

HALLE makes ABIGAIL do increasingly SILLY THINGS that actually get her NOTICED, but not RESCUED.

HALLE BERRY

Good news Abigail, a woman called in your car's location, but in doing so she spooked your kidnapper into changing directions so now we don't know where you are.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

And the good news being... ?

HALLE BERRY

This movie turned a profit! YEAH!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

(groans)

Eventually ABIGAIL's antics attracts the attention of motorist MICHAEL IMPERIOLI.

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

Hey Eklund, clearly something weird is going on with your trunk, not to mention that mindless killing machine look in your eyes. You need to unwind. Would you like some 1800 Tequila?

(is bludgeoned to death)

What? You don't like Tequila?

EKLUND steals IMPERIOLI's car and stuffs his body in the trunk along with ABIGAIL, all while continuing to overlook the fact she has a FUCKING CELL PHONE.

HALLE BERRY

Abigail, I need you to go through Imperioli's pockets so we can find out who he is and find you!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

But he's dead! Ewww! I'd rather get serial murdered than touch his icky corpse!

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

Hey! I'm actually still alive!

(is screwdrivered to death [for real this time])

Fuck!

MICHAEL EKLUND

Holy shit I am going through a lot of trouble to kidnap Abigail. Are her internal organs made out of gold or something? The smart thing to do would be to kill her and burn her body before the cops catch me!

(pause)

Nah, I'm sure I can still get away with this clean!

EKLUND finally discovers ABIGAIL's CELL PHONE and realizes she's been talking to the police for OVER AN HOUR.

MICHAEL EKLUND

Fuck! Now I have even more of a reason to get rid of Abigail and wash my hands of this entire episode!

(pause)

But on the other hand I REALLY want to kill Abigail dead so I'm still going through with it! Now I'll just take a quick moment to flame broil this gas station attendant and be on my way!

Meanwhile HALLE's cop boyfriend MORRIS CHESTNUT discovers EKLUND'S IDENTITY.

MICHAEL EKLUND

DOUBLE FUCK! Okay, sure, the police know I'm a murderer, and so does my wife, and my children, but I CAN STILL PULL THIS OFF!

He takes ABIGAIL to his top secret MURDER HIDEOUT.

INT. 911 ROOM

HALLE BERRY

The fuck, Morris? You guys know where Eklund lives but you haven't found him yet?

MORRIS CHESTNUT

Not only that but I also uncovered the location of his secret family cottage where his secret murder hideout is, but that's like 2 whole hours away so the police aren't going to investigate it or anything.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

HALLE BERRY

Then I will go investigate that house myself! And I won't even take a gun or a fork or anything like that with me to defend myself with just in case I run into a guy who's notorious for killing annoying actresses!

EXT. MICHAEL EKLUND'S MURDER COTTAGE

HALLE waltzes RIGHT IN because there is absolutely ZERO POLICE PRESENCE here even though there GODDAMN FUCKING SHOULD BE.

HALLE BERRY

Eww! I found these old pictures that show Eklund had the hots for his dead sister who vaguely resembles Abigail! How could this killer be any more twisted?

INT. SECRET MURDER HIDEOUT

ABIGAIL wakes up tied to a DENTIST CHAIR.

MICHAEL EKLUND

Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Please don't rape me!

MICHAEL EKLUND

I'm not going to rape you!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Oh thank God!

MICHAEL EKLUND

I'm just going to hack off your face and staple it onto my sister's dead corpse and rape HER instead!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

(pause)

(looks directly into camera)

This is Eklund's actual plan, folks. I'll just give you a moment to drink that all in.

EKLUND starts to cut into ABIGAIL'S FOREHEAD when HALLE finally shows up and knocks EKLUND down.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

You couldn't have done that 10 seconds earlier? I'm going to need like 14 stitches now! Did you at least kill Eklund?

HALLE BERRY

No, I just hit him once and then turned my back on him like every other heroine in every other horror flick. I'm sure that won't come back to bite me in the--

MICHAEL EKLUND

Boo.

EKLUND dunks HALLE's head in a sink in an attempt to DROWN HER. HALLE fights back by making INCREASINGLY HILARIOUS UNDER WATER FACES. ABIGAIL saves her.

HALLE BERRY

My hair! He got a black woman's hair wet! Oooooh, you done fucked up now Eklund! Prepare to get beat down worse than Gabriel Aubry!

HALLE and ABIGAIL jump EKLUND and kick his ass.

HALLE BERRY

Now let's call the police!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Or, we could chain him to the dentist chair and leave him to rot!

HALLE BERRY

Yeah! Cool!

(pause)

Wait, no, that's colossally dumb! Pretty soon the collective retardedness of the police will wear off and they will find this place just as easily as I did!

MICHAEL EKLUND

Or I could just chew my hand off and escape. I've done crazier things, BELIEVE ME.

(pause)

I'm referring to my sister's stinking corpse, BTW.

HALLE BERRY

He's right! Just leaving him here alive is the worst possible thing we could do!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

But this is the only way we can effectively rip off the ending of Saw!

HALLE BERRY

Oh good point.

(to camera)

Game Over!

END