FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

The space shuttle USS PEPSI SPRINT REEBOK MILLER LITE arrives in orbit of MARS.

Astronaut JUSTIN LAZARD goes down to the planet in a WINDOWS 95 ANIMATION and returns with some core samples.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

Hey, those Mars samples could be harboring evil sex alien DNA.

MYRIAM CYR

Yes, we had better store them in a flimsy thermose right here in the cockpit with our backs turned to it.

THEY DO and one of the samples un-freezes itself and infects MYKELTI, MYRIAM and JUSTIN with an alien STD.

JUSTIN LAZARD

Oh God! It’ll take us months before we get back to Earth! By that time this sex-crazed alien DNA will have forced us to have a three way! Or mutated us into xenomorph-esque penis monsters with dreadlocks! There’s no way we’ll ever survive the trip--

INT. EARTH

The shuttle lands and everyone’s fine.

JUSTIN LAZARD

Oh. I guess the sex alien DNA is on a time delay release.

DOCTOR DOOMED

Alright guys, now remember: no fucking for 10 days.

JUSTIN LAZARD

No can do, doc. I didn’t become a famous astronaut just so I could NOT tame strange!

DOCTOR DOOMED

I mean it Justin, NO SEX. Don’t even THINK about having sex. Let me help you by revealing a dozen hot young women standing just outside this room who are all wearing their panties around their ankles.

MYRIAM CYR

Hey! Where are all the hot young guys waiting to have sex with ME?!

DOCTOR DOOMED

Get real, Myriam. You’re like a 6. Go home to your husband.

MYRIAM CYR

Hmph!

DOCTOR DOOMED

Now, while you guys are off totally not having sex I’m going to analyze these blood samples I took from you!

He knocks over JUSTIN’s blood sample and it begins MOVING ON ITS OWN.

DOCTOR DOOMED

Hmm, that’s terrifying. I had better stick my fingers in this sentient blood because... Wait, THAT’S A HORRIBLE IDEA!!!

(has guts ripped out)

Should have... Read... My... Character name...

(dies)

INT. HOTEL ROOM

JUSTIN is getting his FUCK-ON with some HOES.

DOOMED HOE

And after you have unprotected sex with me you can also have unprotected sex with my sister!

DOOMED HOE’S DOOMED SISTER

Really? Yuck. Why would I agree to this? Are we at least being paid Stormy Daniels level money for this?

DOOMED HOE

No sis, we’re hoes, not prostitutes. We fuck for free. Being killed by Justin’s mutant alien babies will be its own reward! BLRAHAHAAH!!!

(killed by stomach burster)

DOOMED HOE’S DOOMED SISTER

Wait so we’re still aping off of the alien franchise? That's disppointingBLRAHAHAAH!!

(also killed by stomach burster)

JUSTIN’s brand new ALIEN BABIES grow to the size of 6 year olds in about 5 MINUTES.

JUSTIN LAZARD

Here kids, wear these potato sacks and hide in this barn while I go... bang some more hoes I guess.

This HAPPENS.

JUSTIN LAZARD

Wait, what happened to the bodies of those hoes? Did... Did the kids EAT them?

For lack of better evidence we must assume THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. It MUST HAVE.

Meanwhile...

INT. SEXY HUMAN/ALIEN HYBRID GROWING LAB

MARG HELGENBERGER has taken over the SEXY BLONDE MURDER ALIEN GROWING PROJECT and is overseeing a fully grown NATASHA HENSTRIDGE.

MARG HELGENBERGER

Yes, I was given control of Natasha because my last name has slightly more letters than hers. Also we’ve never exposed her to men so she’s friendly now!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Yeah, we’re pretty much taking the T2 route with my character, except Arnold’s titties are way bigger than mine. I’m completely docile and libidoless just so long as some big manly man doesn’t barge in swinging his testosterone soaked manliness all over the place.

MICHAEL MADSEN barges in swinging his testosterone soaked manliness all over the goddamn place.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

GIMME DAT DICK BIG BOY

(foams at the mouth)

MARG HELGENBERGER

The fuck, Michael?! You can’t just storm in here with your sexy masculine magnetism!

MICHAEL MADSEN

But I thought that’s why you slept with me in the first movie?

MARG HELGENBERGER

Yeah, well, true, but-- HEY! Don’t turn this back on me! This is about you! It turns out the Mars organism that infected Justin is similar to Natasha’s alien DNA.

MICHAEL MADSEN

How similar?

MARG HELGENBERGER

Pretty fucking identical by the look of the creature effects.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Wait so the aliens that sent us Natasha’s DNA in the first movie... were from Mars?

MARG HELGENBERGER

We’re just going to skip over how stupidly convenient that sounds and focus on trying to track down this new human/alien hybrid with Natasha’s help.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Why the hell would you make another Natasha in the first place? And why does she look exactly the same?

MARG HELGENBERGER

Because the first movie was a hit and Natasha still has no problem getting naked. Now luckily for us Natasha has some kind of telepathic connection with the new evil alien.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

I can sense when he’s horny, which makes me horny.

MICHAEL MADSEN

It’s a he? What if this alien guy and Natasha decide to bang?

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

What? Nooo! Trust me guys, I’m not planning to have sex with ANYONE at all! No sirree! No sex for me!

(shaves her legs)

INT. MYRIAM CYR’S HOUSE

MYRIAM and her husband BONE.

MICHAEL and MARG arrive just in time to witness a TENTACLE MONSTER burst out of MIRIAM’S stomach and FACE-HUGS her husband to death.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Uh... Maybe we should have called them and warned them first?

MARG HELGENBERGER

You mean we have access to PHONES?! Quick! We had better call Mykelti Williamson and stop him from screwing his girlfriend!

This DOES NOT HAPPEN.

INT. MYKELTI’S BOAT

MYKELTI and his GIRLFRIEND are about to GET BUSY.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

I call this the Bang Boat. Now let’s skip right past any kind of foreplay or even taking our clothes off and get right to whipping my penis out.

MYKELTI’S GIRLFRIEND

(face is frozen in shock)

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

I know it’s big baby but it’s not THAT big.

MYKELTI turns around and sees, like, 20 armed government agents standing behind him.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

I guess my boner was throbbing so loud I didn’t hear all these guys enter this closet-sized bedroom.

MICHAEL MADSEN

We tested your blood and you’re fine. I guess the alien DNA doesn’t like you.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

Oh?! Is it because I’m BLACK?!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Uh... Yeah, actually. The alien DNA couldn’t adapt to your sickle-cell anemia. It was also holding little microscopic sized tiki torches and wearing khakis.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

So... Yay for racist alien DNA???

Meanwhile...

INT. JUSTIN’S SEX CABIN

JUSTIN has sex with his wife SARAH WYNTER and, well, she’s not getting any lines so you can guess what happens to her.

MYKELTI arrives just in time to witness JUSTIN shotgun his own head off...

And then watch it regenerate in a CGI effect that has aged about as well as MICKEY ROURKE.

Then JUSTIN goes out and just starts knocking up every hooker he sees and storing the ALIEN CHILDREN in a barn and they just... stay there. Quietly standing around. Like statues.

In potato sacks.

JUSTIN LAZARD

How the hell am I feeding all these damn kids?

INT. SEXY HUMAN/ALIEN HYBRID GROWING LAB

NATASHA is hooked up to CEREBRO so she can telepathically track JUSTIN.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

He’s trying to rape a woman in a grocery store! Hurry!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Michael Madsen doesn’t “hurry”, he casually jogs in the general direction of the target. This is how little of a fuck Michael Madsen gives for paycheck roles like this.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

Then it’s a good thing I’m here to help you!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Why? You’re just an astronaut. You don’t have any special alien killing skills.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

But I have sass!

MICHAEL MADSEN

That will have to do.

They find a VAN that IS A ROCKIN so they COME A KNOCKIN but it’s the wrong van!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Oh no! Justin *69’d my telepathy and knows I’m in the alien hybrid growth lab!

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

That must be why he stopped trying to rape that woman and gave himself up!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Wrong Mykelti, it’s because I’m holding my gun on him gangsta style. Now let’s bring Justin in to the lab.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Good idea!

(paints her toenails)

(buys new lingerie)

JUSTIN is brought into the lab and he beats up a dozen guys to get to NATASHA who’s in so much HEAT she’s causing global warming, but she's imprisoned in a giant hamster cage.

JUSTIN LAZARD

WE JUST WANT TO BONE

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

PLEASE LET US BONE

But they are NOT allowed to BONE so JUSTIN casually walks through an unlocked door to freedom.

MARG HELGENBERGER

Damnit! We REALLY need to start locking that door!

EXT. ALIEN CHILDREN STORAGE BARN

JUSTIN is confronted by his father, SENATOR JAMES CROMWELL.

JAMES CROMWELL

(is stabbed with stomach tongue tentacle thing???)

JUSTIN LAZARD

Wow. You have to wonder why they cast such a well known actor in a minor role and such a nobody like me in a major role.

JAMES CROMWELL

The studio thought you were Barry Pepper erk!

(dies)

JUSTIN’s alien kids all go into cocoons so they can transform into adult aliens, aka KARDASHIANS.

INT. SEXY HUMAN/ALIEN HYBRID GROWING LAB

MARG HELGENBERGER

I’ve used Mykelti’s sickle-cell to create a virus that should kill Justin.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

NO! NOT BEFORE WE CAN BONE! NATASHA SMASH!

She breaks out of her cell and goes to that unlocked door, but it’s actually locked this time.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

(rips door off its hinges and escapes to freedom)

MARG HELGENBERGER

Fuuuuuuck!!!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

My thoughts exactly!

INT. ALIEN CHILDREN STORAGE BARN

NATASHA finds JUSTIN and she instantly gets naked, but JUSTIN keeps his pants on because, you know, tropes.

And thus begins THE BONENING. They transform into their alien dreadlock forms and go nuts with the tentacles.

Just, so many tentacles. Tentacles coming out of everywhere. It’s like a Flying Spaghetti Monster orgy.

MICHAEL, MARG, and MYKELTI (say that three times fast) arrive and kill the alien kid cocoons with SICKLE CELL SMOKE.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

Hell yeah! The one time having sickle cell was actually a good thing!

They catch ALIEN NATASHA and ALIEN JUSTIN doing the beast with two backs.

ALIEN NATASHA

It’s not what it looks like! Justin tripped and his mutated penis landed inside my freakish vagina!

MARG HELGENBERGER

We don’t believe you. Convince us by stabbing Alien Justin with your horrific back spikes.

She DOES, but ALIEN JUSTIN transforms into the NEWBORN from ALIEN 4 and crams one of its penis tentacles down ALIEN NATASHA’s throat, killing her.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Didn’t Natasha survive being shot by a million bullets and poison gas?

MARG HELGENBERGER

It seems Natasha’s kryptonite was alien penis. But how do we stop Uber-Alien Justin?

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

My blood! Infect him with it! But without seriously injuring me!

MICHAEL stabs MYKELTI in the leg with a big rusty pitchfork.

MYKELTI WILLIAMSON

I said WITHOUT! WITHOUT seriously injuring me! Now I have sickle cell AND tetanus!

UBER-ALIEN JUSTIN

I don’t fear your puny human diseases! I blew my own brains out and grew them back Deadpool style! You’re no match for OH SHIT I’M MELTING! GOD IT BURNS! THE SICKLE CELL BUUUUURNNSSSSSS

(becomes puddle of goo)

MICHAEL MADSEN

Great. So what have we all learned?

MARG HELGENBERGER

Not to make sexy alien clones.

MICHAEL MADSEN

And now we know, and knowing’s half the battle.

But one of JUSTIN’s alien kids survived and he creepily watches the stomach of NATASHA’s corpse balloon with YET ANOTHER alien baby to set up YET ANOTHER sequel!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

No. No no no no no! That’s it! I’m not doing another one of these! EVER!!!!!!!

(is offered a shit load of cash for two days of work on Species III)

Oh alright then.

END