FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

We open on a long tracking shot of the USM AURIGA.

WRITER JOSS WHEDON

Damn it, I wanted the ship to be vertical! Like an office building in space!

DIRECTOR JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET

Why, again?

WRITER JOSS WHEDON

Well, in space, you don't have to worry about buoyancy, or wind resistance, so why not just build spaceships a kilometer tall instead of a kilometer long?

CINEMATOGRAPHER DARIUS KHONDJI

Because movies are shot horizontally on rectangular film, so in order to get all of a vertical ship in frame it would have to be so small that it would look like nothing onscreen.

WRITER JOSS WHEDON

We'll see about that! I'll get a vertical ship on screen someday!

Five years later, JOSS WHEDON puts a vertical spaceship in an episode of his TV show 'Firefly'. Shortly afterwards, it is cancelled. Coincidence?

INT. MEDICAL BAY

Doctors BRAD DOURIF and J.E. FREEMAN age a SIGOURNEY WEAVER clone until it's five years older than the age she was when she died in Alien Cubed.

J.E. FREEMAN

Now, can you take the queen xenomorph out of her body?

BRAD DOURIF

Yes, but I'm not entirely sure why it's in there.

J.E. FREEMAN

Simple. We used the blood samples that Charles Dance took from Sigourney to clone her. Because she was the host of an alien queen at the time, obviously her clone would also have an alien queen inside it.

BRAD DOURIF

Right. Just like how all of the Jurassic Park dinosaurs were part mosquito.

They remove the QUEEN from SIGOURNEY's body, then heal her wounds and sew her inside a linen body bag, so that her first conscious experience will be tearing her way out of a cocoon.

BRAD DOURIF

We don't believe in subtlety here on the Auriga.

SIGOURNEY quickly learns to speak, and proves to also have super-strength and quick-healing powers. General DAN HEYDAYA is concerned.

DAN HEDAYA

Great, so not only do I have a wolverine on board, but she has all of original Sigourney's memories. How is that possible?

J.E. FREEMAN

Back in the twenty-first century, the Animus project proved that every strand of DNA contains the complete lifelong memories of every person who contributed to it, through the entirety of history.

DAN HEDAYA

I just wish there had been an easier way to get our hands on an alien Queen. It's been three hundred years, have we not found their home planet yet?

BRAD DOURIF

Actually, we have, but it's run by this creepy weirdo who won't talk to visitors unless they'll listen to him play flute music and give an hourlong speech about how shitty humans are. We thought this multi-trillion dollar black-ops project was a less painful way to go about it.

DAN HEDAYA

I see your point.

INT. SPACE DOCK

The spaceship BETTY docks on the Auriga. We're quickly introduced to her crew, MICHAEL WINCOTT, RON PELMAN, DOMINIQUE PINON, GARY DOURDAN, KIM FLOWERS, and WINONA RYDER.

GARY DOURDAN

I feel like there are too many of us.

DOMINIQUE PINON

Don't worry about it. It's a tradition of the Alien franchise to have way more characters than the story requires.

GARY DOURDAN

Is that a thing?

RON PERLMAN

Sure. The Sulaco in Alien had a dozen crew members.

KIM FLOWERS

There were over thirty named space marines in Aliens.

DOMINIQUE PINON

And Alien Cubed had in excess of two hundred different interchangeable bald white guys!

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Anyhow, we're here! A band of vicious, amoral space pirates, and some kind of an elf princess that we brought along for no clear reason!

RON PERLMAN

Seriously, you stand out like Terry Crews at a midget Klan rally.

WINONA RYDER

Hey, you better watch that talk, or you'll wind up with your ass kicked!

RON PERLMAN

Is she kidding?

KIM FLOWERS

Have you seen yourself?

WINONA RYDER

I've seen the title page of the script. "Written By Joss Whedon". He's built a career on having tiny pixie women turn out to be killing machines. It's his one note, and he plays it over and over again.

GARY DOURDAN

This movie started with the definitive female action hero being reborn, and then a scene later they gave her superpowers. And you think they're going to let you do any fighting? Oh, honey...

WINONA RYDER

Just you wait. In twenty minutes I'll be bouncing off of walls and killing xenomorphs with my bare hands.

WINONA notices that everyone has already left, and chases after them. She tries to kick over an empty soda can in anger, but just winds up bruising her toe.

INT. DAN HEDAYA'S OFFICE

DAN passes MICHAEL a giant stack of SPACEBUCKS.

DAN HEDAYA

I trust you'll keep quiet about this little arrangement of ours?

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Sure. One question though - why pay a bunch of space pirates millions of spacebucks to kidnap humans to host aliens, when the events of Alien Cubed demonstrated that you can make an alien inside just about anything? Since you're currently breeding aliens to learn about their biology and figure out how to train them, wouldn't it make sense to use a smaller, more docile host? You could have had a whole herd of Cabybaras here for a fraction of the cost, and without the added risk of being indicted for mass murder.

DAN HEDAYA

Yes, but then there would be a chance the audience wouldn't hate every single member of your crew, and might not spend the entire film anxiously anticipating their deaths.

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Strong point.

DAN HEDAYA

Now, be sure to keep your crew away from all of my secret facilities. Just restrict yourself to the places where my super-powered secret clone monster hangs out.

INT. WHERE THE SUPER-POWERED SECRET CLONE MONSTER HANGS OUT

Ron tries to flirt with SIGOURNEY on a basketball court, so she beats him and Gary up.

J.E. FREEMAN

Okay, Sigourney, enough showing off.

Upon hearing SIGOURNEY's name, WINONA is VISIBLY SHOCKED.

WINONA RYDER

Gasp! So that's Sigourney? Since I'm the only one reacting to her name, I must have a secret connection to her - but what could it be? One of her descendants? Member of a church that Charles S Dutton founded to celebrate her quasi-religious self-sacrifice? A member of the Burke family out for revenge?

The Audience can't wait to find out!

On the way out of the room, SIGOURNEY throws the basketball one-handed over her shoulder and gets NOTHING BUT NET!

DIRECTOR JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET

Yes! Now my movie has a scene so amazing that for the rest of time people will have to buy or rent it just so they can watch that moment! It's not like in the future someone will invent a way for people to watch just that scene completely out of context of the rest of the movie.

The Audience finds a YouTube link down in the comments.

INT. PRISON CELL

A newborn XENOMORPH yawns with both of its mouths.

XENOMORPH 1

So, this is life, huh? Not too shabby so far.

She notices BRAD pushing his lips against the cell window, hoping for a kiss.

XENOMORPH 1

Well, you're obviously in your forties and I've been alive maybe six hours, but hey, you only live once, right?

She obliges, tapping the glass with her bonus mouth. BRAD is startled by the exact thing happening that he was expecting to happen, so he blasts her with liquid nitrogen.

XENOMORPH 1

Wow. A quarter of a day old and I've already been romantically humiliated. I'm going to need so much therapy.

INT. SECURE AREA

WINONA heads into the area of the ship that contains SIGOURNEY's cell. It is not guarded or locked in any way, shape, or form.

She gets to the cell, and finds that the ship's security isn't a complete disaster, since at least the cell door itself has a lock on it.

WINONA RYDER

Luckily I brought along this key ring that contains the breath-print of each member of the ship's command crew! I wonder where I got this?

She confronts SIGOURNEY.

WINONA RYDER

I'm going to stop this alien breeding program once and for all!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

So you and your crew are secretly freedom fighters with an elaborate plan to bring down the military-industrial complex?

WINONA RYDER

No. They're just pirates I used to get on board.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Do you happen to have an army of green ghost warriors backing you up?

WINONA RYDER

Of course not.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh. Then good luck.

SIGOURNEY goes back to sleep. WINONA leaves the cell, and is immediately arrested.

INT. WHERE THE SUPER-POWERED CLONE MONSTER HANGS OUT

All of the pirates are gathered in the basketball court, surrounded by soldiers with assault rifles.

J.E. FREEMAN

Well, it looks like this ship doesn't have implausibly bad security after all, does it?

MICHAEL WINCOTT

I wouldn't say that-

All of the Pirates take out the guns they smuggled through the implausibly bad security and kill all the soldiers.

INT. PRISON CELL

The XENOMORPHS languish, bored. One crochets a sock, another bounces a tennis ball off the wall, the third reads the autobiography of Malcolm X.

XENOMORPH 1

Hey... Do you think this cell is acid proof?

XENOMORPH 2

It's got to be, right? I mean, they know that we're creatures made out of acid and hate, it would be weird if we weren't in an acid-proof cell.

XENOMORPH 1

Yeah... But a bunch of pirates just killed half the crew because the security people couldn't figure out how to work a metal detector, so maybe everyone else on board is just as incompetent.

XENOMORPH 3 looks up from her book.

XENOMORPH 3

What are you two talking about?

XENOMORPH 2

We've come up with an escape plan.

XENOMORPH 3

Cool!

XENOMORPH 1

But you're not going to like it.

XENOMORPH 3

Why not? Hey, why are you looking at me like that?

They stab Xenomorph 3 to death, then escape through the hole her body makes in the floor. BRAD walks into the now-empty cell.

BRAD DOURIF

I hope she's not still pissed about me toying with her emotions.

XENOMORPH 1

I am!

She grabs BRAD and drags him off into the bowels of the ship.

INT. DAN HEDAYA'S OFFICE

The alarms start blaring.

DAN HEDAYA

Oh, no! The aliens are loose!

(gets on the PA)

Quickly, everyone, get to the escape pods! I'll stay back to secure the ship and await rescue!

SOLDIER

But General, don't you want us to futilely waste our lives attempting to retake the station?

DAN HEDAYA

Of course not - despite all of the black ops mad science experiments and mass murder of civilians, I'm a soldier first, and the safety of my troops is always the top priority.

SOLDIER

Wow, what an unusually complex characterization for a villain in this series, it will be interesting to see how you play off the amoral pirates that make up the rest of the remaining cast!

DAN is immediately killed by XENOMORPH 2.

SOLDIER

Oh well.

INT. HALLWAYS

MICHAEL leads his team of pirates (and their hostages, J.E. FREEMAN and RAYMOND CRUZ) towards the docking bay where the Betty is waiting for them.

MICHAEL WINCOTT

Okay, it's stick together time. Everyone watch each other's backs. As long as we move as a unit and cover all the angles we should be able to safely-

(sees something shiny)

Ooh, shiny!

MICHAEL wanders off down the hallway to grab an assault rifle, even though he already has one in each hand. He is immediately killed by a Xenomorph. It takes his crew a full two minutes to realize that he's missing.

They're cornered by the Xenomorph, who they're afraid to shoot, because they might damage the ship, but then SIGOURNEY appears and shoots it to death, and nothing bad happens.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Come with me if you want to live.

WINONA RYDER

No, we can't trust her! She's part-alien!

GARY DOURDAN

But we can trust you, who lied your way onto our ship and almost got us killed literally five minutes ago?

KIM FLOWERS

And who, despite her claims of Whedonesque pixie-heroism has yet to accomplish anything at all?

RON PERLMAN

I think we're going to stick with the super-powered legendary warrior. But you're welcome to come along. We might need to open the doors to Moria at some point.

They continue heading for the dock.

RAYMOND CRUZ

For the record, I'm also here, because even after the aliens have run amok and most of the crew escaped this movie still has too many characters.

INT. STORAGE ROOM

SIGOURNEY uses her psychic powers to find the room where the failed clone versions of her are kept. She also has psychic powers, by the way.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

If they make another one of these I may develop eye lasers!

Inside the room, they find a deformed but still-living SIGOURNEY CLONEVER.

SIGOURNEY CLONEVER

Kill me...

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

No problem. How would you like to die? Boiled into mush? Melted with acid? Burned alive? Slowly lowered feet-first into a meat grinder?

SIGOURNEY CLONEVER

Um... Could you not just shoot me in the head? I see you're all carrying guns, and I feel like that would be quick and painless.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

I get that, but since you've spent your whole life in ceaseless agony, isn't it more appropriate to die the same way?

SIGOURNEY CLONEVER

Oh, well in that case, could you burn me?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Perfect, because Winona has already handed me a flamethrower which she has for some reason.

GARY DOURDAN

Weird, right? I mean, we didn't bring one on board, the marines who we killed didn't have one, and the preferred method of these scientists for dealing with experiments gone awry is to freeze them. Where did this come from?

RON PERLMAN

Probably grabbed it from her bag of holding. One of the few upsides of having an elf in the crew.

SIGOURNEY BURNS EVERYTHING, then threatens to set J.E. FREEMAN on fire as well.

WINONA RYDER

No, don't do it!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Okay.

She tosses the flamethrower aside, because they're definitely not going to need it later.

WINONA RYDER

That's it? She just didn't kill him? I didn't need to convince her?

KIM FLOWERS

What would you have said? "It's morally wrong to kill an even worse Joseph Mengele, because I, a person who delivered kidnapped humans to him to be murdered in his experiments, have suddenly decided to place a high intrinsic value on even the most evil life?" Not exactly a compelling argument. You lucked out.

Frustrated and angry about her inconsistent characterization, WINONA punches J.E. FREEMAN in the face. She breaks her hand. He doesn't notice.

EXT. SPACE

The Auriga passes by Jupiter.

AUDIENCE

Wait, we were told the experiments were so secret that they had to be performed 'outside of regulated space'. They're still in Earth's solar system? Is there a million-mile limit of laws around every planet, but everything else is just the wild west?

EXT. EXPERIMENTAL CHAMBER

The crew finds the room where all of the people they kidnapped and sold to Dan Hedaya have been turned into hollow husks.

DOMINIQUE PINON

Wow, seeing the brutal human toll of our greed is the kind of thing that could really make people question their life decisions, and even whether they deserve to survive this situation.

GARY DOURDAN

Luckily we're all sociopaths, so we can just keep moving.

SIGOURNEY once again uses her psychic powers to locate a nearby alien - this one is inside sole survivor LELAND ORSER!

RON PERLMAN

Hey, I recognize you! You're that guy who fucks people to death, right?

LELAND ORSER

What? No, of course not!

RON PERLMAN

Are you sure? I swear you fucked someone to death.

LELAND ORSER

One time, in one movie. It's not my trademark or anything. Can you help me get off this spaceship and get this thing out of me?

J.E. FREEMAN

Sure, we can surgically remove aliens from people without any trouble at all. So that's two good reasons not to bother kidnapping and killing human test subjects.

WINONA RYDER

Alright, you can come with us.

LELAND ORSER

Thanks. And, if, you know, you could not make a big deal out of the whole... You know...

RON PERLMAN

Fucking people to death? Mum's the word.

(yells)

Hey, everybody! Don't turn your back on this guy or he'll fuck you to death!

LELAND ORSER

I hate you.

INT. FLOODED HALLWAY

The party wades through waist-high water. Dominque Pinon has abandoned his wheelchair and is strapped to Gary Dourdan's back.

J.E. FREEMAN

Okay, if we want to get to the dock, we have to swim down this long underwater tunnel and then climb up an elevator shaft on the other side.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Wait a minute - crippled ship, flooded passage, elevator shaft... memories... returning... This is the Poseidon Adventure! We're in a remake of the Poseidon Adventure!

RAYMOND CRUZ

Is it widely known that this is a remake of the Poseidon Adventure?

DOMINIQUE PINON

I don't think this is a movie that many people have watched twice.

GARY DOURDAN

Or made it all the way through the first time, probably.

They dive into the water and swim for their lives! Two Aliens quickly close in on KIM!

KIM FLOWERS

Wow, despite having no flat wide appendages to propel you through the water, you guys are amazingly good at swimming!

XENOMORPH 4

Thanks! It's our first time!

XENOMORPH 5

So, any last words?

KIM FLOWERS

Oh, I don't want to impose. After all, I've already had more lines in this parody script than I did in the film.

XENOMORPH 4

Fine by us!

KIM is dragged away by the aliens. Everyone else gets to the elevator shaft, but finds that it's covered in a mucus shield and has a dozen facehugger eggs all around it!

RON PERLMAN

They've set a trap!

RAYMOND CRUZ

Really? In the forty minutes since the aliens got free the queen has laid a dozen eggs, which the aliens knew to bring here, because they already have a perfect understanding of the ship's layout and the most likely course a group of people would take through it?

GARY DOURDAN

Don't worry about it. I'll just blow them all up with grenades.

He DOES.

DOMINIQUE PINON

That was not much of a trap.

J.E. and WINONA make it to the top of the elevator shaft.

J.E. FREEMAN

Quick, give me your gun so I can shoot this door open!

WINONA RYDER

Give my gun to a mass-murdering psychopath? What could go wrong with that?

J.E. FREEMAN takes the gun and immediately shoots her. WINONA topples down the elevator shaft as J.E. escapes.

RON PERLMAN

No! Winona can't be dead! Quick, everyone in the theatre, clap your hands together as hard as you can, and maybe she'll come back to life!

WINONA RYDER

(still falling)

That's fairies you idiot! I'm an elf!

RON PERLMAN

Oh. Never mind then.

An Alien jumps out of the water and attacks GARY and DOMINIQUE!

RON PERLMAN

Quick, Leland! Fuck it to death!

LELAND ORSER

No! And stop asking me to do that!

RON PERLMAN

Fine, I'll take care of it.

Ron blows the Alien's head off, but its body still grabs onto Gary's leg!

GARY DOURDAN

I'm going cut myself free, Dominique, sacrificing myself to save you before I drag us both down into the water.

DOMINIQUE PINON

Or you could try to pry its hand free, or shoot its arm off, or just go back to holding the ladder, since your arms and legs work. Really, we have plenty of time to deal with the dead alien body situation.

GARY DOURDAN

Quiet! You're going to make my self-sacrifice look stupid instead of heroic!

GARY falls into the water! Suddenly the elevator door opens - and WINONA is behind it! What?!?!

WINONA RYDER

Turns out I'm a robot who's been programmed to take down the military.

RON PERLMAN

So this whole time you actually were a tiny pixie girl with super-strength and just didn't bother using it? Was this movie written by the anti-Joss Whedon?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

If you're a robot, does that mean you can open all the doors between here and your ship, and also set this ship to crash into Earth, killing all the aliens?

WINONA RYDER

Already done.

DOMINIQUE PINON

Look at that, Winona! You finally accomplished something!

RAYMOND CRUZ

If by 'accomplished' you mean served as a walking, talking access terminal, then yes, she did.

INT. YET ANOTHER HALLWAY

Everyone runs for the ship, which is just a few hundred feet away!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Another psychic vision! The Queen is in pain, directly below me!

RAYMOND CRUZ

I want to say... Good?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

You go, I must commune with my children.

DOMINIQUE PINON

We're not waiting for her, right?

RON PERLMAN

Brother, we never even stopped running.

INT. THE BETTY

Everyone preps the ship for takeoff - but J.E FREEMAN is already on board!

J.E. FREEMAN

Now that's I've got you all at gunpoint, except for Leland, who is too sick and shot to be a threat, I want you to cancel the ship-crashing so I can get my alien breeding program back on track!

RON PERLMAN

Psst! Leland!

LELAND ORSER

What?

RON nods to J.E. FREEMAN and makes a 'Fuck him to death' motion.

LELAND ORSER

No!

RON PERLMAN

Come on, please?

LELAND ORSER

Only if you promise not to make a big deal out of it.

RON PERLMAN

Who, me?

Leland grabs J.E. FREEMAN and drags his head down just as the extremely phallic CHESTBURSTER THRUSTS forth, PENETRATING J.E. FREEMAN's skull!

RON PERLMAN

Yes! That's what I'm talking about - you are the man, Leland!

WINONA RYDER

He's dead.

RON PERLMAN

Really? Damn. Well, at least he died doing what he loved. Fucking people to death.

INT. ALIEN NEST

SIGOURNEY wakes up a few feet away from the XENOMORPH QUEEN.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Obviously I know exactly what's going on because of my psychic powers, but if I just start saying it it's going to be weird. Is there someone around who can do the exposition for me?

BRAD DOURIF

I'm still alive!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Then go for it!

BRAD DOURIF

You know how you got acid blood and superpowers from the aliens when we cloned you? Well the alien queen got your human reproductive system, so now she can just have babies without needing hosts to take genetic material from and incubate inside of.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Are you telling me that the Alien Queen is about to give virgin birth, making her child the Alien Messiah?

BRAD DOURIF

You could put it that way, sure.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Wow. I guess Prometheus came by all of that religious nonsense honestly.

The JESUSMORPH is BORN! It looks like it was crudely carved from slimy white playdoh.

XENOMORPH QUEEN

Aren't you cute! Come and give me a kiss!

JESUSMORPH swats her face off.

JESUSMORPH

You may have gotten a reproductive system from humans, but I inherited their ability to be ungrateful to a parent!

JESUSMORPH then goes over to SIGOURNEY and licks her face.

BRAD DOURIF

Isn't that cute? He can smell that you're his grandma!

JESUSMORPH

I'm getting tired of all the exposition, guy. I think my motivations are perfectly clear to everyone.

BRAD DOURIF

I'm just trying to help.

JESUSMORPH

If you want to help with something, my stomach is currently empty.

JESUSMORPH eats BRAD's brain, which SIGOURNEY takes as a cue to make tracks.

INT. THE BETTY

SIGOURNEY dives into the ship just as it's taking off.

WINONA RYDER

Thank god you made it!

RON PERLMAN

You didn't bring any crazy monsters with, you, did you?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Of course not. I ran here at full-tilt, and only barely made it onto the ship. There's no way any giant lumbering beasts could have followed me on board.

JESUSMORPH

Ahem.

DOMINIQUE PINON

How did you get here?

JESUSMORPH

Turns out I also inherited the human ability to teleport to wherever the plot requires me to be!

RAYMOND CRUZ

Humans can't do that.

JESUSMORPH

They can't? Huh. Maybe I really am the Alien Messiah.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Then I assume you won't have a big problem with dying young!

SIGOURNEY uses her acid blood to put a hole in the wall, which sucks the JESUSMORPH towards it!

In his flailing, he manages to kill RAYMOND!

RAYMOND CRUZ

I'm honestly surprised that I survived this long.

The JESUSMORPH is sucked out of the ship!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

That takes care of that! Hey, what happened with the Auriga?

RON PERLMAN

It crashed into the Earth, blowing up about a third of Mongolia.

WINONA RYDER

Maybe set us down on the other end of the continent, so people don't associate us with that.

DOMINIQUE PINON

Done and done.

EXT. WASTELAND

WINONA and SIGOURNEY sit on the top of a ridge, looking out over a ruined shantytown.

WINONA RYDER

I'm a piece of recalled technology, and you're an illegal experiment, what should we do now?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Hide out in this crumbling ruin until someone calls us about a sequel, I suppose.

They walk down into the shattered remains of what used to be... PARIS!

DIRECTOR JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET

Haha! Take that, country of my birth!

THE END