FADE IN:

INT. SUPER TOP SECRET CONTAINMENT LAB

NATALIE PORTMAN is surrounded by a bunch of geeks in containment suits.

NATALIE PORTMAN

The first person who asks me to sign their Padmé action figure is getting kicked in the throat.

BENEDICT WONG

Uh, no, we’re not those kind of geeks, we’re scientists. A space meteor hit a lighthouse and created a soap bubble around the area we call “The Shimmer” and you were the only person who made it out alive, so tell us what happened.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh no, don’t tell me this whole entire movie takes place in flashbac

INT. NATALIE’S TEACHING JOB - FLASHBACK

NATALIE PORTMAN

Alright class, today we’re going to learn about how cancer cells can take over and change our bodies and OH GOD I’M SO LONELY EVER SINCE MY SOLDIER HUSBAND OSCAR ISAAC NEVER RETURNED FROM HIS SECRET MISSION A YEAR AGO HE WAS MY WHOLE ENTIRE WORLDDDDDDDD

DAVID GYASI

Greetings Natalie, as your tall handsome colleague I couldn’t help but notice how vulnerable you are and wanted to invite you to a barbecue.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Where at?

DAVID GYASI

In my pants.

He gives NATALIE his T-BONE.

INT. NATALIE’S HOUSE - AN UNSPECIFIED TIME LATER

NATALIE is crying her eyes out for the 365th straight day when OSCAR ISAAC appears!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Honey! I told you those Star Wars contracts were hell to get out of! Where have you been?!

OSCAR ISAAC

(on a million valiums)

I don’t know.

NATALIE PORTMAN

What about sand? Did anyone mention sand?

OSCAR ISAAC

I don’t know.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Jesus, your acting is even more passionless than mine usually is. Maybe this is a Disney thing. I know working for them can be pretty awful.

OSCAR ISAAC

Dis... ney?

(begins convulsing and vomiting up own blood)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Yup, definitely a Disney thing.

NATALIE rushes him to the hospital but they are intercepted by GOVERNMENT AGENTS.

INT. SUPER TOP SECRET CONTAINMENT LAB - STILL IN FLASHBACK

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

(pumped full of morphine)

Greetings Natalie, I’m here to tell the audience how awesome you are. Not only are you an amazing microbiologist but you also served in the army and could murder Rambo with your bare hands.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Really? I guess I can be a blubbering mess of a biologist AND a military badass with nerves of steel. That sounds pretty believable to me.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

No transmissions can go in or out of The Shimmer ever since we started studying it three years ago.

NATALIE PORTMAN

THREE YEARS?! And you still don’t know what it is? How does the whole world not know about this thing yet?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

The media isn’t interested in reporting on anything that isn’t in a Tweet or that can’t by tied to Russians. And The Shimmer is expanding.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Why haven’t you firebombed it yet?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

That’s a good question that will never be brought up.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I want to go in.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Great! I just so happen to be leading a team of badass female scientists in a last ditch effort to figure out what’s going on.

TUVA NOVOTNY

I’m the foreign scientist.

TESSA THOMPSON

I’m the American scientist.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

I’m the lesbian. And a paramedic? I mean sure it’s not as glamorous as being a geomorphologist or physicists but it’s still an equally important job and HEY STOP JUDGING ME!!!!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Geeze I wonder which one of us is going to freak out and turn on the rest of us first.

They head into The Shimmer without FACE MASKS or HAZMAT SUITS because they are strong independent women who don’t need no stinking protection!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

It seems we all graduated from the Alien Covenant school of sciencing.

INT. THE SHIMMER

The women find themselves in a forest full of LENS FLARES.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Hey wait a second, this is a big budget sci-fi movie with 5 five female lead characters. Why aren’t feminists and womens groups singing this film’s praises from the rooftops on social media?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

(drunk on antidepressants)

Because we’re not a superhero movie.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I was in two of those, I hated it.

TESSA THOMPSON

Really? Mine was awesome. Maybe it was just you FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

TESSA is attacked by a SHARKGATOR! NATALIE goes HAM on it with her assault rifle!

GINA RODRIGUEZ

Wow, that was totally badass Natalie!

NATALIE PORTMAN

I just pretended it was a gungan.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

This alligator has been mutated with a shark. An Allishark, because that sounds better than Sharkgator.

TUVA NOVOTNY

We’ve also been here for three days with no memory of what we’ve been doing and we’re lost.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

I’m sure we’ll think our way out of this. We’re scientists!

TESSA THOMPSON

No, WE’RE scientist, you’re just a glorified nurse. I’ll call you when I need someone to heal my cut up arms. Did I mention I cut myself? I’m a cutter.

TUVA NOVOTNY

Yeah? Well my kid died of leukemia so I have nothing to live for. Because I can’t have another kid or adopt for some reason.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

And I have cancer so I also have nothing to lose!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Great, is there anyone on this mission who doesn’t have a death wish?

GINA RODRIGUEZ

I’m just single and lonely, so... nope guess not.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

The women find a recording of OSCAR cutting open one of his soldier buddies to reveal a huge TAPEWORM living inside him.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

Fake News! That’s bullshit! It’s CGI! I don’t believe it! LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAA!!!!

(covers ears)

(buries head in wet cement)

TUVA NOVOTNY

Seriously? We just encountered an allishark but THIS you can’t wrap your mind around?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Especially after I just found that same soldier's mutated corpse plastered all over the wall in some kind of bizarre body horror art mural.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Jennifer, why would you send my husband Oscar into this Cronenberg deathtrap?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

I think the real question is why would he willingly go into this Cronenberg deathtrap?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Okay, sure, maybe I didn’t like and share ALL of his Instagram photos, but this hardly seems like an appropriate response.

Suddenly TUVA is dragged away and eaten by a MUTANT BEAR!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Holy shit it’s ManBearPig! He’s real!

GINA RODRIGUEZ

I ain’t see no ManBearPig! And I just found out Natalie didn’t tell us Oscar was her husband! All you bitches are lying and can’t be trusted!

She overpowers NATALIE, JENNIFER and TESSA and ties them all up.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

Everyone who goes into The Shimmer is either killed by some mutant animal or went crazy and killed each other. Guess which theory I’m about to test?

NATALIE PORTMAN

But our claim that Tuva was killed by a mutant bear actually fits with the first theory.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

And I would believe you IF I WEREN’T SO DAMN CRAY CRAY TIME TO DIE BITCHES

MANBEARPIG

Gina, stop, they were telling the truth. I killed Tuva.

GINA RODRIGUEZ

Why? Why, ManBearPig?

MANBEARPIG

Because I’m a mindless killing machine RAHRARARARRARA

(eats Gina)

Now to eat Natalie!

(bobs its badly rendered CGI mouth near Natalie without actually biting her)

Plot... Armor... Too... Strong!

TESSA blows its mutant brains out.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wow! Great shooting Tessa!

TESSA THOMPSON

I just pretended it was your Thor character. Even though I was afraid for my life a moment ago, I’ve now just this very moment decided to give up all hope and let The Shimmer mutate my DNA into flowers or something.

(is The Fountain’d)

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Great idea Tessa! I too will throw my life away by going to the lighthouse and letting The Shimmer drink me like a milkshake!

NATALIE PORTMAN

What the hell man? We’re supposed to be strong badass women here! Why is everyone suddenly trying to Robin Williams themselves?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Well why have you been reacting to everything like you’re on Xanax the entire time?

NATALIE PORTMAN

What do you mean? That’s how I always act. What’s your excuse?

INT. LIGHTHOUSE

NATALIE finds a camcorder.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I guess The Shimmer refracts radio waves but somehow keeps camera batteries charged! Alright let’s see what we got here.

OSCAR ISAAC

(on video)

The Shimmer has taken away my memories and made me question my sanity, while also giving me a vaguely southern accent for some reason. If you find Natalie tell her I love her.

CLONE OSCAR

(on video)

Sure thing bro.

OSCAR disintegrates himself with a phosphorus grenade while his CLONE stares CREEPILY INTO YOUR SOUL.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Phew! At least this way he’ll never find out I cheated on him! Bullet dodged!

NATALIE goes down into a hole in the wall where the space meteor crashed and finds JENNIFER.

NATALIE PORTMAN

What is The Shimmer, Jennifer? Where did it come from? What does it want? Why is it cloning us even down to our dirty soiled clothes? Give the audience some answers before you get deaded.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

This isn’t that kind of movie, Natalie. We fought a fucking ManBearPig for chrissakes. It’s a space cancer. It just... Infects. It doesn’t have a plan or a motive. It just is. And totally NOT like The Andromeda Strain.

(horks up her glowy insides)

JENNIFER's DNA VOMIT transformers into a PARALLAX CLOUD.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Huh?

THE CLOUD sucks up some of NATALIE’s blood and creates a mannequin-like MIME.

NATALIE PORTMAN

What?

NATALIE and the MIME do an artistic interpretive dance around each other.

NATALIE PORTMAN

No way, that doesn’t happen does it? You’re making that up just to make a joke.

DIRECTOR ALEX GARLAND

I am contractually obligated to include a bizarre dance number in every movie I direct, as well as cast Oscar Isaac. The bromance is strong with us.

The MIME eventually transformers into CLONE NATALIE.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Here, hold this phosphorus grenade so you can kill yourself.

CLONE NATALIE

Sure thing bro. Wait why am I doing this?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Because deep down all humans have an inherent desire to destroy themselves, and I somehow passed on this trait to you.

CLONE NATALIE

That sounds like made up smarty pants pseudo science bullshit.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Yeah, well, you're a fucking clone what do you know? Now get with the suiciding.

The CLONE sets everything on fire and destroys the lighthouse which conveniently ANNIHILATES all THE SHIMMER MUTANT SHIT.

NATALIE PORTMAN

See?! I told you we should have firebombed this place! The ONE TIME the US Government decides NOT to drop bombs on something!

INT. SUPER TOP SECRET CONTAINMENT LAB - PRESENT

BENEDICT WONG

So you don’t know what the alien cancer was? Or what it wanted? Or where it came from?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Nope nada and no fucking clue.

BENEDICT WONG

So we just spent the last three years sacrificing our troops and scientists to this thing for nothing like a bunch of morons? So what was the point? Was The Shimmer an allegory for something?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Yeah, for Disney. It’s taking over everything and needs to be stopped before it ruins everything we hold dear. Now show me my husband.

CLONE OSCAR

Wait, you know I’m the fake Oscar so why isn’t everyone shotgunning me in the face right now?

NATALIE PORTMAN

PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME DON’T YOU EVER LEAVE MEEEEEE

(traps him in vice-like hug)

CLONE OSCAR

I suddenly feel the urge to grow a goatee.

(stares creepily into the camera)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wait, are you evil? And why are my eyes glowing? Am I evil too?

CLONE OSCAR

It could be worse. The movie could be immediately pulled from theaters after a week or two and dumped on Netflix like a prom night dumpster baby.

IT IS.

END