FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE SHIP

SIGOURNEY WEAVER is in cryosleep with NOT CARRIE HENN, NOT MICHAEL BIEHN, and KIND OF LANCE HENRIKSEN. Somehow there is a FACEHUGGER on board, despite this being UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

FACEHUGGER

Whoops, cut myself! I'd better spill acid blood in the one spot that will start a fire, melt the sprinkler system, destroy the whole ship, and eject the passengers into space so they all crash and die.

The ship's escape pod crashes on a PRISON PLANET full of BALD GUYS, who all walk right past where the FACEHUGGER is hiding but it IGNORES them in favor of a weak, genetically inferior DOG.

FACEHUGGER

I already facehugged someone on the ship, but apparently we can impregnate multiple hosts now. Squeal like a pig, doggy! Squeal louder! Squeal louder!

INT. GLOOMY INFIRMARY

SIGOURNEY wakes up in the care of DR. CHARLES DANCE.

CHARLES DANCE

Hello Sigourney, you survived without any injuries at all but everyone else was gruesomely mangled to death, isn't that nice?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Who designed this escape pod? It worked like complete shit.

SIGOURNEY'S ADORABLE SURROGATE DAUGHTER is then SLICED OPEN and thrown into a GIANT FURNACE because showing her screaming dead body wasn't enough.

SIGOURNEY meets the prison's inmates.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

We're all rapists and murderers, lady! I'm sure you're going to feel sympathy for us when we turn into alien fodder.

DANNY WEBB

None of us have seen a woman in years, so you should just stay in the infirmary where you're safe from us.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Actually I wanted to have lunch with all of you in the cafeteria before wandering around secluded regions of the prison alone.

Surprisingly, she is nearly RAPED by HOLT MCCALLANY, who wears SPECIAL RAPE SWIMMING GOGGLES. Meanwhile, the DOG gives birth to a DOG-ALIEN.

DOG-ALIEN

I'm either really bad CGI or really good balloon art, it's hard to tell.

The DOG-ALIEN kills some prisoners and PRISONER PAUL MCGANN is blamed. SIGOURNEY talks to WARDEN BRIAN GLOVER.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

You have no weapons of any kind?

BRIAN GLOVER

It'd be too dangerous to leave weapons where prisoners could get them! Except the knives, axes, sharp scrap metal, flares, clubs, electric cords, and barrels of flammable toxic waste we leave lying around. But who would use those as weapons?

SIGOURNEY is put in a TIME-OUT with CHARLES DANCE.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Tell me your life story, Charles, since we've had sex.

CHARLES DANCE

We had sex? When? I missed it.

(pause)

So wait, you had sex with a random criminal you barely know? Did you injure your head at some point?

The DOG-ALIEN appears and kills him!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Ooh, it didn't kill me, how mysterious!

PAUL MCGANN

It didn't kill me either, I was in the room the whole time. Maybe it wasn't hungry.

The DOG-ALIEN, apparently hungry, kills BRIAN GLOVER in front of everyone.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

Gah, we sure are FUCKED!

(pause)

Someone mop up all the blood, I hate it when the floors are dirty.

They stop to MOP THE FLOOR, because IMMINENT DEATH is less important than CLEAN FACILITIES.

INT. RANDOM GLOOMY TUNNELS

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

So the alien's nesting in this tunnel. We'll set one end on fire, drive it into a vault, and trap it inside.

RALPH BROWN

Why not just set both ends of the tunnel on fire? Anyway, we can't use flashlights. We have thousands of flashlights, but no batteries.

Everyone spreads flammable liquid around, using WORKING FLASHLIGHTS in the process.

SOME RANDOM PRISONER

I sure hope the alien doesn't kill me right now, since I'm standing all alone holding a flare over the flame stuff everyone's still spreading. Yep, THAT'D SURE BE BAD.

The ALIEN turns him into DOG FOOD, there's a BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS, and people die.

INT. CAT SCAN ROOM - ALSO GLOOMY

RALPH BROWN

Look, Sigourney, there's an alien in your chest. It must be a queen, since it hasn't burst out yet, though it looks no different from the others.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh, dear, guess I should die now.

She talks to a PIPE for a bit because she thinks it's the ALIEN, but it won't kill her.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Well that was stupid. Since just letting me behead the alien with an ax isn't an option for some reason, what's our new plan?

CHARLES S. DUTTON

We're using this factory designed specifically for a climactic chase sequence. You have a special job: Stand in this empty hallway the whole time.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Why not, the monster won't kill me so there's no suspense anyway. I just want to see Holt McCallany get chomped for nearly raping me.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

He's already dead.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Really? Huh. Okay, Paul McGann, you'll start the plan by luring the alien in and-

DANNY WEBB

I'm not Paul, he's dead too. Oh no, the alien's killed Clive Mantle!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Wait, who? I thought that was Pete-

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

I'm over here with Vincenzo Nicoli and Peter Guinness.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Who are all these people?! Why does almost everyone in this cast have no distinguishing characteristics of any kind? How is anyone supposed to tell you apart?

VINCENZO NICOLI

I wear a hat sometimes.

They put the PLAN INTO ACTION and everyone DIES except SIGOURNEY, CHARLES, and DANNY.

DANNY WEBB

We kind of suck at making plans.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

I couldn't tell what the plan was, everyone just seemed to be running and screaming through random hallways. And now, I must sacrifice myself by holding the alien in this pit so we can drown it in molten lead! Even though I could let Sigourney do that since she wants to die anyway.

CHARLES and the DOG-ALIEN get a MOLTEN LEAD SPA TREATMENT, but the ALIEN survives and chases SIGOURNEY!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Whoa, why the fuck is it chasing me? I thought it wouldn't kill me!

DANNY WEBB

Uh, Sig? Why are you running? You were literally pulling its tail earlier so it would kill you, so now that it wants to do so why don't you just let it-

SIGOURNEY sprinkles some water on the ALIEN and it EXPLODES. Unfortunately, EVIL LANCE HENRIKSEN shows up with an army of GUYS IN FENCING GEAR.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

We've come for the alien in your chest, Sigourney! You can survive if you come with us!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Never! If I die, I won't have to do any more shitty sequels!

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Let's not get delusional here, okay?

SIGOURNEY leaps into the GIANT FURNACE.

ALIEN QUEEN

(bursting out)

Wait, you didn't get to see meeeeeeeee!

(dies)

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Wow, what a tragic character study, a deep and insightful conclusion to the franchise! Ha, who am I kidding, let's see if we can cut out another hour of footage so we won't have to endure too much of this director's obsession with bleak and gloomy cinema.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Hey, I'm trying to actually inject some quality into this piece of crap and make it worth destroying the plots of the previous movies, back off!

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Did you say something? I can't hear you over the obnoxiously loud and triumphant soundtrack.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Okay, fuck this movie. Just you wait, bastard Fox Executives! I'll be nominated for Oscars some day! I'll be nominated for ALL the Oscars!

(leaves in a gloomy fashion)

FOX EXECUTIVES

Hey, it's not our fault the film sucked. Definitely not our fault. Uh, blame the screenwriters, it was them. Who'd we hire to write this again?

The movie's 200 SCREENWRITERS jump into the furnace out of SHEER EMBARRASSMENT.

END