FADE IN:

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL is meeting with WRITER JOHN CARPENTER.

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

I want this to be every bit as intense and thrilling a movie as the original, and I'm sure that we can pull it off!

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Then you should have gotten the John Carpenter of four years ago to write the script. I'm just here for a quick paycheck, so expect paper-thin characters and plenty of them! The slasher genre's all about body count these days.

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

Okay, but can we at least show some restraint and keep the gore to a minimum, like you did last time?

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Oh absolutely.

(to self)

Until the distributors start to complain, and then I'll sneak in and shoot a brutal and exploitative kill that feels completely out of step with the rest of the film just to make them happy.

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

What was that?

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

What was what?

EXT. HADDONFIELD

DONALD PLEASENCE prepares to shoot THE SHAPE, DICK WARLOCK.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Is your name seriously Dick Warlock?

DICK WARLOCK

Actually my birth name was Penis Sorcerer, but the jokes got to be too much, and I changed it.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Well, good job on the new one.

DICK WARLOCK

Hey, Rick? I'm a little nervous about falling backwards over this railing. With only twelve feet to drop it's basically a recipe for landing right on my neck.

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

Don't worry, we'll build a ramp up to the railing so you can just hop onto the mat in comfort and safety.

DICK WARLOCK

Won't that look a little weird?

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

Nobody will notice - I'll just put you and the ramp at the dead centre of frame and make sure there's absolutely nothing else onscreen to draw the eye away.

DICK WARLOCK

O-...kay...

DICK falls to the ground, then sprints away. DONALD rushes outside and finds his blood on the ground.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

He's bleeding! But what does that mean?

DONALD PLEASENCE

I don't know. And sadly, we won't have the technology to find out for another six years!

DICK goes stalking through the alleyways.

DICK WARLOCK

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Shape. I'm done stalking babysitters for an hour before getting to work. Time to make a statement, let people know that I'm not just a one-trick pony.

He sees TWO OLD PEOPLE watching NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

DICK WARLOCK

Perfect! This is completely unexpected! A couple killed at the same time! And elderly! No one's going to see this coming!

Dick grabs THE GIANT KNIFE the old lady was using to cut baloney.

DICK WARLOCK

A bit of overkill there, honey. Speaking of-

He raises the knife, gets psyched up, and then-

DICK WARLOCK

Damn it! I just can't do it!

OLD LADY

What seems to be the problem, dearie?

DICK WARLOCK

Well, I'm supposed to be an unstoppable killing machine who takes life as easily as drawing breath, but as I try to stab you, there's something stopping me!

OLD LADY

Your conscience?

DICK WARLOCK

No, demographic research. It seems the fifteen-year-olds who watch movies like these don't want to see old people getting stabbed.

OLD LADY

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Even if it is quite lucky for me. So you can't kill me at all, then?

DICK WARLOCK

Doesn't look like it.

OLD LADY

Not even if I...

Old Lady starts poking DICK's Mask.

DICK WARLOCK

Please don't do that.

She grabs the nose, stretches it out, then lets it SNAP BACK onto his face.

DICK WARLOCK

Seriously, don't do that again.

OLD LADY

You're right, I shouldn't tease. In fact, if it helps, there's a teenage girl right next door you can kill!

DICK WARLOCK

Really? Thanks, ma'am!

DICK rushes out of the house.

OLD LADY

What a nice young man.

She goes back to making her sandwich. Through the window, we see DICK slashing ANNE BRUNER's throat.

EXT. THE MURDER HOUSE

JAMIE is wheeled out of the house by LANCE GUEST and LEO ROSSI, neither of whom were taught how to operate a stretcher.

They rush her to-

EXT. HADDONFIELD HOSPITAL

DOCTOR FORD RAINEY is checking JAMIE's injuries.

FORD RAINEY

So, what seems to be problem young lady?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Here's the thing - I'm done with horror, and profoundly don't want to be here, so while I'm contractually obligated to star in the film, I won't be saying anything or doing anything. Any way your diagnosis could help with that?

FORD RAINEY

Allergic coma it is!

FORD sticks JAMIE with a needle, then she heads off to her trailer to nap.

EXT. HADDONFIELD

DONALD and Sheriff CHARLES CYPHERS are driving down back streets, looking for DICK.

DONALD PLEASENCE

No, not like that. Dick Warlock.

CHARLES CYPHERS

Actually, that still sounds pretty bad.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Can we focus on the task at hand, please?

CHARLES CYPHERS

Okay, do you have a plan for how to find him?

DONALD PLEASENCE

Well, I've seen the mask he's wearing, so I'll just shoot the next person I see with one!

CHARLES CYPHERS

Doesn't that seem a little reckless? I mean, he just stole that mask from a store, and the owner told me he sold like twenty others.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Too late, already waving my gun around!

Just then, JACK VERBOIS walks into frame, wearing the DICK WARLOCK mask (but with white hair, so the audience isn't confused).

JACK VERBOIS

Wow, I went from being mentioned as Laurie's crush last time, and now I'm actually in the movie! Will I get to meet Jamie Lee Curtis? Perhaps help save her life? The possibilities are endless!

(sees Donald approach)

Oh, my, it's a crazy man waving a gun around. I'd better just cross the road...

JACK is HIT BY A CAR. That CRUSHES HIM AGAINST A VAN. The VAN CATCHES FIRE, BURNING HIM TO A CRISP. Then both cars BLOW UP, propelling JACK into a LOW-EARTH ORBIT.

DONALD PLEASENCE

(dusts off hands)

Well, looks like my work is done.

CHARLES CYPHERS

Maybe we should be sure it's actually Dick?

DONALD PLEASENCE

Ugh. Fine. I'll get a dustpan and wait for him to crater.

INT. HADDONFIELD HOSPITAL

LANCE goes in to check on Jamie.

LANCE GUEST

So, how you feeling?

Jamie does her nails.

LANCE GUEST

Painkillers working alright?

Jamie reads a magazine.

LANCE GUEST

I was just thinking, we're roughly the same age, maybe we do a couple of scenes together, get some romantic chemistry going to amp up the drama for our big chase scene at the end.

Jamie starts dialing the bedside phone.

LANCE GUEST

Who are you calling?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

My agent. I want to see if I can have you removed from this film entirely.

LANCE GUEST

Okay, hint taken. I'll go find somewhere offscreen to hide for the next five reels.

EXT. THE MURDER HOUSE

REPORTERS are milling around on the street. One of their assistants is INTRODUCING DANA CARVEY!

INTRODUCING DANA CARVEY!

Damn it, this is my first feature film and I don't have any lines! You can't even see my face clearly! That's it, no more horror movies for me!

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

I don't know, Dana, this franchise really has legs! I feel like a continuing creative partnership with Michael Myers could be great for your career!

INTRODUCING DANA CARVEY!

Read my lips: Nah Gunna Duaa.

READERS UNDER 40

What the hell was all of that about?

DONALD arrives with CHARLES, just in time for CHARLES to see his daughter NANCY LOOMIS's body being carried away.

NANCY LOOMIS

Can we do another take where I'm not obviously breathing?

DIRECTOR RICK ROSENTHAL

Keep rolling!

NANCY LOOMIS

I guess not.

CHARLES CYPHERS

At least this horrible nightmare is over.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Not until we've swept up every bit of the dust that used to be Jack Verbois and confirmed whether or not it was Dick Warlock who just died! You see, I know more about Dick than any of you! I worked with Dick for years, tending to Dick, ministering to Dick, treating Dick with the utmost care-

He looks around at the crowd-

DONALD PLEASENCE

Why is everyone laughing?

INT. HOSPITAL

In the break room, LANCE and LEO are hanging out with nurses GLORIA GIFFORD, PAMELA SHOOP, TAWNY MOYER, and ANA ALICIA.

GLORIA GIFFORD

Wow, there's just way too many of us, aren't there?

TAWNY MOYER

Is there room for any of us to get any character development whatsoever?

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Is one of you willing to go topless?

The nurses look at each other, then PAMELA raises her hand.

ANA ALICIA

Pamela!?

PAMELA SHOOP

What? It's an extra scene or two.

The other nurses shake their heads sadly.

DICK lurks in the background.

DICK WARLOCK

Good, my prey is assembled. Now... How to start killing them without drawing undue attention? I know! I'll slash the phone lines, which will draw the security guard out all on his own, even though he knows that there's a psycho killer on the loose and has a radio he could use to call the police!

THIS WORKS!

DICK WARLOCK

Okay, great... Now if I could just peel off a couple more...

LEO ROSSI

Hey, Pamela, want to go bang in the hydrotherapy room?

PAMELA SHOOP

With a masked killer on the loose, and while I'm supposed to be watching premature babies? Sure!

DICK WARLOCK

Wow! Everything's coming up Dick!

LEO ROSSI

That's the plan.

While LEO and PAMELA make out in what's essentially a stainless-steel hot tub, DICK sneaks into the back room and turns the temperature from BOIL to FLASH-FRY.

PAMELA SHOOP

Can you go check on that?

LEO ROSSI

I'll be right back!

GHOST OF JAMIE KENNEDY

What did I tell you people?!??

LEO is immediately killed, then Dick sneaks up behind PAMELA, but before he can make his move, JOHN CARPENTER appears next to him and whispers in his ear.

DICK WARLOCK

Are you sure about that? It seems a little... Extreme.

JOHN nods solemnly.

DICK grabs PAMELA, shakes her until her towels falls off, then dunks her face in the BOILING WATER until he SKIN PEELS OFF. Then he pulls her out so that her BURN-RAVAGED FACE and FLAWESS, UNTOUCHED BREASTS are onscreen at the same time, then drops her to the floor.

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Foreign markets, here we come!

JOHN throws a pellet on the ground, then disappears in a PUFF OF SMOKE.

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Carpenter, away!

DICK WARLOCK

I think I'm going to need a cooldown after that one.

DICK stabs a couple of people with syringes, then drains all of a nurse's blood with needle and some tubing.

LANCE GUEST

Seriously? This I gotta see!

He slips on the blood and CLONKS his head on the ground.

DICK WARLOCK

Two birds. Cool.

INT. HADDONFIELD SCHOOL

Donald looks at the blackboard, where Dick as written the word 'SAMHAIN' in blood.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Of course! This whole night of terror must be a druidic child sacrifice, which Dick must have become obsessed with as an eight-year-old child, since there's no way he learned about it in the asylum! Finally, his motive is revealed!

NANCY STEPHENS enters! Remember her? She was in the second scene of the last movie for approximately two minutes, and was never mentioned again? Well, she's back, and we're all acting like you should immediately know who she is!

NANCY STEPHENS

Yeah, about that... He's actually looking for his sister.

DONALD PLEASENCE

I already knew that. He wrote 'sister' on the door of his cell before escaping. That's why he stole his sister's gravestone from the cemetery, because he was recreating the murder of his sister all those years ago.

NANCY STEPHENS

No, not that sister, the other one. Jamie Lee Curtis.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Wait, she's his sister? But he only started chasing her when she happened to drop by his house this morning - are you telling me that if her adoptive family hadn't - completely coincidentally - had the real estate listing for her childhood home, he never would have been able to track her down, and would have just hung out in that house until we came and got him?

NANCY STEPHENS

It would seem that way, yes.

DONALD PLEASENCE

But wait, why would I introduce all of this druid child sacrifice stuff if we were going to bring in a whole new motive literally two lines of dialogue later?

WRITER JOHN CARPENTER

Actually, that's a good point. Guess I'll just take that plotline and file it away under 'London Bridge', heh heh heh...

JOHN throws a CARTOON HOLE on the floor and jumps into it, disappearing from view.

NANCY STEPHENS

What was that all about?

DONALD PLEASENCE

Got me. I suppose we won't know until...

(turns to camera)

Next year!

NANCY STEPHENS

What the hell are you doing?

INT. HOSPITAL

DICK heads for JAMIE's room.

DICK WARLOCK

Now that everyone else is dead, I guess it's finally safe to take out Jamie!

TAWNY MOYER

Actually, I'm still alive!

DICK stabs her to death.

TAWNY MOYER

Damn it.

DICK WARLOCK

Okay, time for a final showdown between me, an unstoppable killing machine, and you, a woman so out of it on medication that you literally can't take three steps without falling down.

DICK looks around and sees a note lying on the bed.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Dear Dick: The producers couldn't afford me for more than five days, so I'm hiding. Bet you can't find me!

DICK WARLOCK

Of course I can!

He wanders around for a while.

DICK WARLOCK

Wow, with all the hiding I do, you'd think I'd be better at seeking. But nope.

Out in the parking lot, JAMIE hides in a random car. Suddenly LANCE climbs into the driver's seat.

LANCE GUEST

Turns out the head clonk didn't kill me after all!

He slumps over onto the car horn, arousing DICK's attention!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Damn it! Now I have to find another hiding place!

She does, rather easily!

DICK WARLOCK

How am I so bad at this?

DICK finally locates her, but before he can finish her off, DONALD, NANCY, and a COP arrive!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

It's four-to-one now, sucker!

NANCY STEPHENS

Actually, I'm going to wait outside.

COP

And while she was saying that, my throat got slashed.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

So it's just me and the old man, then?

DONALD PLEASENCE

The old man... and the gun!

DICK immediately knocks the gun out of DONALD's hands and SLASHES him!

DONALD PLEASENCE

Well... fuck.

But JAMIE grabs the gun and shoots both of DICK'S EYES OUT!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Apparently I'm awesome at shooting? Let's make a note of that for later...

DICK WARLOCK

Seriously? What the fuck, lady? I get it, I'm bulletproof, and that must piss you off, but there's certain lines you just don't cross.

As DICK WAVES AROUND WILDLY, JAMIE heads back to the parking lot, and DONALD fills the room with FLAMMABLE GAS (INFLAMMABLE GAS in the European cut).

DONALD PLEASENCE

You'd better hope the hospital pharmacy is loaded with penicillin.

DICK WARLOCK

Why?

DONALD PLEASENCE

Because Dick is about to experience a severe burning sensation!

DICK WARLOCK

Can we cool it with the Dick jokes ple-

DONALD fires up his lighter and BLOWS UP THE ROOM!

JAMIE watches in horror as DICK comes strolling down the hallway.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Oh, come on! Why won't you die?

DICK WARLOCK

I just survived getting shot twice in the brain. Why would you think I wouldn't be fireproof as well?

He starts to slow down.

DICK WARLOCK

Actually, all this fire is making me a bit woozy...

Dick finally collapses into a flaccid, flaming heap.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Oh, thank god you're dead. I don't know if I could have kept doing this for another thirty-seven years.

DICK WARLOCK

Yup. Definitely dead this time...

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Why did you just trail off like that?

DICK WARLOCK

Sorry, I was trying to wink at the camera, but my eyes were recently shot out of my head.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Oh. Okay.

THE END

LANCE GUEST

Hey, one last thing... Am I dead or not? We really never got any closure on that, and people like to make lists of kills, so...