FADE IN:

INT. A SCHOOL SHOOTING - 2000 (ACT 1: PRETENTIOUS)

YOUNG NATALIE PORTMAN survives being shot in the neck.

YOUNG NATALIE

Holy crap! Only a real asshole would use this tragic event to jump-start her music career.

YOUNG NATALIE uses this tragic event to jump-start her music career and has a drug and alcohol fueled adolescence.

NATALIE’S DEAD TEACHER AND CLASSMATES

(are never given a second thought)

INT. EUROPE - 2017 (ACT 2: POMPOUS)

YOUNG NATALIE has transitioned from her wholesome family friendly Hannah Montana-esque persona into her edgy sexually charged Miley Cyrus-nude-on-a-wrecking-ball with Lady Gaga’s fashion sense persona.

NATALIE PORTMAN

(has replaced all her meals with Jack Daniels)

Shit! A bunch of terrorists shot up a beach in Croatia wearing masks from one of my Daft Punk parody music videos! Only a real shitbird would use this awful loss of life to boost the profile of her new comeback tour.

NATALIE uses this awful loss of life to boost the profile of her new comeback tour because she is a real shitbird.

NATALIE’S TEEN DAUGHTER

Also I hate you for being a deadbeat mom so you could pursue your music career and for attempting to play a convincing alcoholic and instead coming off like a single mom who had one too many beers at her kid's Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh come on kid, you know the only way an actress of my caliber can get notoriety these days is to play a drunk or an addict and I hate needles.

(drunkenly slams palm on table and makes stern expression of stern drunkenness)

There. Awards should be flowing my way by the truckloads any second now.

They DO NOT.

INT. MUSIC CONCERT (ACT 3: THE UNENDING)

NATALIE performs an elaborate dance number which is similar to the lightshow scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey in which it seemingly goes on forever and makes you question your sanity and life choices.

JUDE LAW

Before this concert started I still had a hairline. Hopefully I’ll get a new one in my upcoming Marvel movie.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I’d sell my mother before I’d ever agree to do another Marvel movie.

(experiences a string of box office failures)

Eh, I never liked my mother anyway.

END