FADE IN:

OPENING TEXT

For years scientists have been trying to slide into the DM’s of any extra terrestrial life in the galaxy until they finally responded with instructions on how to make infinite renewable energy, the prefect cheesecake, or a super sexy alien hybrid with big boobs who wants to hump every man she sees, but we could only choose one of these things so...

INT. SEXY HUMAN/ALIEN HYBRID GROWING LAB - 1995

MAD SCIENTIST BEN KINGSLEY watches over YOUNG NATASHA HENSTRIDGE inside her punch-proof glass cage.

YOUNG NATASHA

“Young Natasha?” Wait, I don’t even get my real name mentioned? What if I grow up to become famous 4-time Oscar nominated actress Michelle Williams?

BEN KINGSLEY

I would rather see you die than become a Hollywood liberal. Kill her with poison gas!

The HAZMAT BRIGADE tries to pump CYANIDE GAS into YOUNG NATASHA’s cell but she punches her way out of it!

BEN KINGSLEY

Wait, is glass not a punch-proof material? Shit! She’s getting away! Good thing this is a super secure top secret facility with a literal army of soldiers to stop her from escaping!

YOUNG NATASHA casually walks through an unlocked door to freedom.

BEN KINGSLEY

I’m starting to think my “scientist” title is simply honorary.

This top secret scientific facility where the government keeps its sex alien is within spitting distance of a busy train line so YOUNG NATASHA hitches a ride and encounters a DOOMED HOBO.

YOUNG NATASHA

I need your clothes, your boots, and your broken spine.

DOOMED HOBO

But I don’t have a broken ooooooh I just read my character name

(is karate chopped in half)

YOUNG NATASHA sneaks onto a passenger train and starts pigging out on chocolate pudding and Hot Pockets which gives her SUPER ACNE.

YOUNG NATASHA

Christ! It looks like I’ve got balloon animals under my skin! These practical creature effects are The Thing-level creepy and stand the test of time!

The ACNE suddenly turns into SHITTY CGI HENTAI TENTACLES.

YOUNG NATASHA

Damn, spoke too soon.

(is cocooned)

The cocoon transforms into a giant vulva???

DOOMED TRAIN CONDUCTOR

Oh my God! I must help this poor innocent young shiiiiiit just read my character name

(is snatched by snatch)

(dies)

Adult-sized NATASHA HENSTRIDGE comes sliding out of the vagicoon BOOBS FIRST.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

It was the 90s. Tits were all the rage back then.

(pause)

Am I covered in KC Masterpiece?

She IS.

INT. SEXY HUMAN/ALIEN HYBRID GROWING LAB

In order to track NATASHA down, BEN assembles a crack team of sexy alien hunters. I mean the ALIEN is sexy, not the hunters.

MICHAEL MADSEN

I’m the stoic alpha male who shoots stuff.

MARG HELGENBERGER

I’m the smart woman with the Golden Girls haircut.

FOREST WHITAKER

I’m the token... psychic. Yes, we have aliens AND psychics in this film.

ALFRED MOLINA

And I’m the Alfred Molina!

BEN KINGSLEY

Now that Natasha is free she will attempt to mate in order to give birth to an alien baby that will destroy humanity somehow, don’t think about it too much.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Well surely you created her with ugly, fat, flat-chested DNA to ensure no man would ever want to mate with her, right?

BEN KINGSLEY

Uh... we kind of did the exact opposite of that.

MARG HELGENBERGER

So there’s a thin, tall, blonde, big boobed alien who wants to fuck walking around Los Angeles? Humanity is doomed.

FOREST WHITAKER

The fate of the entire human race rests on whether or not Natasha gets picked up by the Bang Bus.

EXT. LOS ANGELES

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

My biological clock is beating harder than a teenage boy who just discovered Porn Hub, but I am suddenly overcome with a much more powerful female urge.

NATASHA shops.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Wait, how does money work?

CASHIER

You dump all the cash you stole from the Doomed Train Conductor on my counter and I don’t take advantage of you because you’re gorgeous.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Wow! Cool! Being an insanely hot alien has its advantages! Wait, where do I live?

HOTEL MANAGER

In one of my rooms! I also won’t take advantage of you because of how much boob meat you have!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

(actual line)

Where can I find a man?

HOTEL MANAGER

Uh... I’m a man.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Just because I’m half murder alien doesn’t mean I don’t have standards.

HOTEL MANAGER

There’s a club around the corner. Are you sure you don’t just want to have sex with me instea

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

(leaves)

INT. TINDER (AKA A 90S NIGHT CLUB)

NATASHA is hunting for dick.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

I am looking for a man who wants to have unprotected sex with a stranger and get me pregnant without any plans to commit.

DOOMED FEMALE COMPETITION

You and every other woman in this club girlfriend fuuuuuuuuck my character name

(has spine ripped from body)

(fatality)

(flawless victory)

NATASHA leaves with a SLEEZY ASSHOLE.

INT. SLEEZY ASSHOLE’S HOUSE

SLEEZY ASSHOLE

Make yourself at home baby. Don’t mind the boom mic reflected in my patio window.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Let us fuck.

SLEEZY ASSHOLE

I thought you’d never ask!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Wait I changed mind. Fuck clearance revoked.

SLEEZY ASSHOLE

Oh. Totally understandable. I’ll take you back to the club with no hard feelings between us.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Really?

SLEEZY ASSHOLE

No bitch read my character name. You came here to fuck and that’s what we’re going to do because leading me on gives me the right to rape you.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Really?

SLEEZY ASSHOLE

NO BITCH! Seriously are you not reading my character name? It’s right there. Now give daddy some sugar.

(is French kissed to death)

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

He should have held his... tongue.

(pause)

Oh come on! That was a perfectly good pun for a 3 month old!

NATASHA escapes before MICHAEL and the gang show up to investigate.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Why didn’t Natasha want to have sex with him?

MARG HELGENBERGER

Sleezy Asshole was a diabetic. Natasha has some kind of alien spidey-sense that detects genetic defects, but only AFTER she’s already gone home with the guy apparently.

FOREST WHITAKER

My empathic powers make me sympathetic to Natasha who is mentally just a child.

ALFRED MOLINA

In the body of a supermodel who impaled a guy with her tongue.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Hey, some guys pay extra for that.

EXT. LOS ANGELES

NATASHA wanders past dozens upon dozens of men with working penises.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Whoa whoa whoa! I may be a hot alien sex doll hell bent on jumping on as many hard schlongs as I can but that does NOT mean I am easy! I’m sure I’ll find the right sperm donor right after I get hit by this car WAIT WHAT

(is hit by car)

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Oh no not again!

(speeds off!)

NATASHA is rushed to the hospital by WHITE KNIGHT.

NURSE

Wow, you’re willing to pay Natasha’s hospital bill even though you don’t know her name?

WHITE KNIGHT

That’s what white knights do! We help women out of the kindness of our hearts and not because we’re trying to get our salad tossed!

NURSE

(is unconvinced)

INT. WHITE KNIGHT’S HOUSE

WHITE KNIGHT

So Natasha, I rescued you and paid your hospital bill so... can I at least get a hand job?

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Before or after we have intercourse?

WHITE KNIGHT

Wait really? This is the first time being a doormat has ever actually gotten me laid! Let’s get nasty in the hot tub!

NATASHA shoves her tongue down is throat, but not the stabby kind of tongue this time.

WHITE KNIGHT

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down, let’s get to know each other first.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Are you fucking kidding me? I’m trying to screw your brains out and you’d rather talk?

WHITE KNIGHT

Dude, for reals, can you just for once read the character names?

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

(actual line)

I want a baby.

WHITE KNIGHT

And I wanted a rock hard erection but I think we’re both going to be disappointed.

(is drowned and strangled by nipple tentacles)

(yes there are nipple tentacles)

MICHAEL and the gang arrive too late to stop WHITE KNIGHT from being a DEAD KNIGHT.

MARG HELGENBERGER

Am I a bad person for feeling more sympathy for Sleezy Asshole?

MICHAEL MADSEN

Of course not. I mean sure he was practically a rapist, but at least he wasn’t a white knight. They’re the worst.

BEN KINGSLEY

So what flimsy excuse did Natasha have for not draining this guy’s balls?

FOREST WHITAKER

We interrupted her. She’s probably still within a few blocks of here running around butt naked.

ALFRED MOLINA

If only we had, like, search helicopters. Or an army of soldiers patrolling the area.

All eyes on BEN.

BEN KINGSLEY

Hey don’t look at me. My government provided helicopters and personal army are just for show!

EXT. PARKING LOT

A DOOMED WOMAN is getting in her car when a totally nude NATASHA gets in with her.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Please help me!

DOOMED WOMAN

You’re a woman so of course I will!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Really? What if I were a naked dude asking for help?

DOOMED WOMAN

You’d be eating a can of mace right now. Wait, I don’t have my reading glasses on so I can’t see my character name.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Trust me you don’t want to know.

DOOMED WOMAN

(is bound and gagged)

(has thumb cut off)

(is blown up in car explosion)

Fuuuuuuuck she was right.

BEN KINGSLEY

We found a woman’s charred body in the wreckage along with this perfectly severed Natasha thumb neatly placed next to the wreck so clearly Natasha is dead! Mission Accomplished! Let’s all meet up at the hotel bar for drinks!

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Yes! Now that I’ve successfully faked my death it’s time to dye my hair and get my fuck-on! I can go anywhere and sleep with ANYONE! Anyone at all that’s not in the main cast!

(gets a whiff of Michael’s animal magnetism)

I MUST HAVE THAT MAN

INT. HOTEL

MARG FedEx’s a bunch of "let's bone" signals over to MICHAEL but he doesn’t get them.

MARG HELGENBERGER

I’m going up to my room, so if anyone wants to smash my box who happens to be named Michael they are welcome to come with me.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Oh. Well. Good luck with that Marg, hope you find that lucky guy!

FOREST WHITAKER

She’s talking about you dumbass! Go after her!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Really? But Marg’s a super smart geek and I’m just a big meat head. I don’t even play video games or D&D. What could she possibly see in me?

ALFRED MOLINA

Try to figure that out while she’s sitting on your face, meanwhile Forest and I will do our hardest not to get laid.

(approaches women)

Greetings female objects!

(is denied)

NATASHA follows MICHAEL up to MARG’s room and listens to them having sex because NATASHA is a pervert.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Damn! I can’t hear the good stuff! Better break into this adjacent room by killing a Doomed Maid! And no she’s not getting her own dialog, that’s how doomed she is.

ALFRED MOLINA

Wait, this is my room? What’s a beautiful woman doing in here? This is highly irregular.

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

Put your Alfred in my Molina.

ALFRED MOLINA

Yup.

(drops trow)

Wait, shouldn’t we use protection? AIDS was still a pretty big deal in the mid 90s--

NATASHA HENSTRIDGE

(points at tits)

ALFRED MOLINA

Agreed.

(does sex)

This is the greatest night of my life!

(is violently killed to death)

NATASHA transforms into NATASHA GIGERRIDGE.

BEN KINGSLEY

Oh no! She’s gone full Hollywood liberal! She even has hippie dreadlocks for some reason! I’ve failed!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Not yet! She’s gone down into the sewers! We have to stop her before she drops her alien spawn!

MARG HELGENBERGER

Let’s go! But man, did you see what she did to Alfred? The poor bastard.

ALFRED MOLINA’S GHOST

Worth... It...

INT. SEWERS

BEN KINGSLEY

(dies)

NATASHA GIGERRIDGE gives birth in a sequence that is just pure nightmare fuel.

NATASHA GIGERRIDGE

Oh my God. I’m a mother now. My days of sleeping around and committing random murder are behind me. Now it’s all about providing my alien baby boy with the best life possible!

NATASHA’S FREAKISH ALIEN SON

(is flamethrowered to death)

NATASHA GIGERRIDGE

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I WILL MURDER YOU ALL WITH MY BIZARRE NIPPLE TENTACLES!!!!!!!

NATASHA tries to strangle MICHAEL with said nipacles but he cuts himself free.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Oh no! Natasha’s morphed into a terrible PlayStation test graphic! We’re dooooomed!

MARG HELGENBERGER

Guys! There’s a convenient oil reservoir over here! Natasha’s Son’s flaming corpse has set it ablaze! Let’s toss her in!

FOREST WHITAKER

We did! But I’m hanging precariously off a ledge above the fire and she’s got my leg! How do we stop her??!!?

MICHAEL MADSEN

I have an idea.

NATASHA GIGERRIDGE

(head is blown up)

MICHAEL MADSEN

Yup that worked.

After they leave a rat eats the severed nipacle and becomes some kind of weird MUTANT RAT.

MUTANT RAT

Now all I need is some turtles and I’ll have a franchise!

END