FADE IN:

INT. OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE

An OLD WOMAN is about to go MEDIEVAL on an old ANTIQUE BOX.

OLD WOMAN

Die antique box!

ANTIQUE BOX

(using evil powers of evil)

I melt your face!

OLD WOMAN

Oh no! You've made me look like Mr. Magoooooooo!!!!

(dies)

EXT. KYRA SEDGWICK'S HOUSE

KYRA SEDGWICK is visited by her ex-husband JAVIER BARDEM.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Um, no, I'm not Javier Bardem, I'm Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Oh. Ahem. "JEFFREY" picks up his daughters, NATASHA CALIS and MADISON DAVENPORT.

NATASHA CALIS

Hello daddy, I am your younger adorable daughter who loves you.

MADISON DAVENPORT

And I am the older annoying daughter who hates your fucking guts.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Ah, so this is going to be "The Descendants" but with a demon, eh?

JEFFREY takes the girls to stay at his NEW BACHELOR PAD and they eventually attend a YARD SALE.

ROB LABELLE

Welcome to my yard sale! Everything is 90% off!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

That's good!

ROB LABELLE

But one of these items is cursed.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

That's bad.

ROB LABELLE

But I'll throw in this Jewish antique box with your first purchase!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

That's good!

ROB LABELLE

Actually, this antique box is the item that's cursed.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

That's bad.

ROB LABELLE

But the demon inside is cheesy and completely unscary!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

That's good!

ROB LABELLE

No, that's bad.

NATASHA takes POSSESSION of the ANTIQUE BOX. At breakfast, NATASHA begins to act STRANGELY by INHALING PANCAKES.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Whoa, slow down there Speed Racer. Are you even chewing? Maybe you'd like some ham to go with that?

NATASHA CALIS

Did you say HAND? I'd LOVE SOME!

(stabs JEFFREY in the hand with a fork)

MADISON DAVENPORT

Oh my God dad! Why did you just stab yourself with that fork!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

I didn't! Natasha stabbed me!

MADISON DAVENPORT

My eyes saw differently!

NATASHA begins to FLIP THE HELL OUT and SLAP HERSELF.

MADISON DAVENPORT

Dad! Why are you slapping Natasha?!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

I'm not! Honest!

MADISON DAVENPORT

I saw you! Granted it was at night in a dark hallway with your back to me and without my contacts in, but I know what I saw!

NATASHA continues to SCREAM and HIT HERSELF.

MADISON DAVENPORT

Stop it dad! STOP HITTING NATASHA!!!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

ARE YOU BLIND?! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!

SOCIAL SERVICES

That's what they all say. You disgust me, Javier.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

I AM NOT JAVIER BARDEM!

NATASHA runs away and has a CONVERSATION with the ANTIQUE BOX.

NATASHA CALIS

Why was there a little person's fingers in the back of my throat?

ANTIQUE BOX

Those were your fingers, Natasha. You have an eating disorder.

NATASHA CALIS

Oh. Okay. But what about all the moths I've been horking?

ANTIQUE BOX

It's a common symptom of having an eating disorder. Look it up on WebMD, you'll see.

NATASHA CALIS

Alright, but how the hell are you talking to me? You're just a dumb stupid box.

ANTIQUE BOX

(pause)

Is Antique Box going to have to choke a bitch?

The ANTIQUE BOX CHOKES NATASHA with its EVIL POWERS OF EVIL and NATASHA FAINTS. JEFFREY is accused of CHILD ABUSE.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Jeffrey! How dare you hit and Force Choke our daughter! I'll make sure you never see our children ever again you bastard!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

It wasn't me! None of this was me! You were my wife for over 10 freaking years, WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!

KYRA SEDGWICK

Because that's how clichés work!

INT. KYRA SEDGWICK'S HOUSE

NATASHA and MADISON move back in with KYRA and her boyfriend GRANT SHOW.

GRANT SHOW

Hello Natasha, I'm your new daddy.

NATASHA CALIS

(evily)

I will swallow your soul.

GRANT SHOW

That's nice sweetheart, now go listen to some Justin Bieber songs while I give your mother the o'l in-out.

NATASHA CALIS

Have you noticed how divorced couples in Hollywood movies inevitably get back together, usually right after something terrible happens to the asshole stepdad? That's you by the way. Now excuse me while my face gets freakishly puffy and my eyes get all wonky.

GRANT SHOW

Sorry dear, I didn't notice that last part because I was too busy not giving a damn.

INT. HASIDIC COMMUNITY

JEFFREY discovers the ANTIQUE BOX is actually the JEWISH VERSION of a GHOSTBUSTERS TRAP and seeks the help of MATISYAHU, whose name is MATISYAHU.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

No way is that your real name. Are you a Reggae singer or something?

MATISYAHU

Well now that you mention it I--

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Not interested. What can you tell me about this box?

MATISYAHU

It is used to contain an evil Jewish demon called a Dybbuk. Natasha released it when she opened the box, so we have to force the Dybbuk back inside the box before it's too late.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

How?

MATISYAHU

By discovering the demon's true name.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Damn, that sounds like something that could take days or even months of research--

MATISYAHU

Found it! It was written right here on the inside of the antique box. Now if you don't mind I'm going to listen to some Hebrew Rap on my iPod.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

But I thought your people rejected all forms of modern technology and raised barns and stuff?

MATISYAHU

I'm Jewish, not Amish.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Wait, you mean those are two different groups? No way. You're making that up.

MATISYAHU

Oy vey.

INT. KYRA SEDGWICK'S HOUSE

NATASHA is HUNGRY. She doesn't just RAID THE FRIDGE, she UTTERLY BLITZKRIEGS IT.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Natasha, I get the sense something may be bothering you. Is it somehow Jeffrey's fault? That rotten son of a bitch.

NATASHA CALIS

(evily)

I want to chew your face off.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Did daddy tell you to say that? I'm so going to kill that asshole.

NATASHA CALIS

(more evily)

I am holding a shard of glass and the camera angle suggests I am about to stab the hell out of you with it.

TEENAGE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE

EEEEEEEIIIIIIIKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

NATASHA CALIS

(covers ears)

Holy hell you guys are annoying.

KYRA SEDGWICK

(hugs NATASHA)

It's okay, honey. I know Jeffrey put you up to this somehow, that dirty bastard.

NATASHA CALIS

(most evily)

You do realize I'm still holding the shard of glass and could still stab the hell out of you, right?

AUDIENCE

Please do.

NATASHA CALIS

Nah, I think I'll just give Grant Kool-Aid mouth instead!

GRANT's mouth fills with BLOOD. TASTY CHERRY FLAVORED BLOOD.

TEENAGE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE

OMG LIKE EEEEEEEIIIIIIKKKK!!!!!!

GRANT SHOW

That's it, I can't stand you little brats any more! I'm outta here!

(drives out of THE MOVIE)

NATASHA CALIS

Wait, you mean I don't even get to kill him? Lame.

(faints)

INT. HOSPITAL

KYRA finally WISES UP and gets NATASHA an MRI SCAN.

DOCTOR

This is a really simple and easy procedure. I'm sure we won't find anything HOLY SHIT THERE'S A DEMON INSIDE YOUR CHEST!

KYRA SEDGWICK

You're right! How the hell is Jeffrey doing this, that no good piece of curdled dog waste!

MADISON DAVENPORT

Mom, It's not Jeffrey! He's actually been trying to help Natasha all this time!

KYRA SEDGWICK

But you said he beat Natasha up!

MADISON DAVENPORT

I'm a teenage girl! We tend to exaggerate!

TEENAGE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE

EEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIKKKKK!!!!!!

MADISON DAVENPORT

See? This isn't even remotely scary yet teenage girls are convincing themselves that it is!

KYRA SEDGWICK

Oh, I totally see your point now. Jeffrey, I forgive you.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Great! And look! I brought a Jewish guy with me!

KYRA SEDGWICK

That's nice, but what we really need is a priest!

MATISYAHU

No, this is a Jewish demon we're dealing with, so you need me.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Oh, so you're a Rabbi?

MATISYAHU

Well, no.

KYRA SEDGWICK

But you've had exorcism training, right? I mean this is my daughter's life we're talking about. How do I know you're not going to screw this up royally?

MATISYAHU

Stop asking questions and follow me to the abandoned part of the hospital where they keep all the wind machines.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Is this place sound proof?

MATISYAHU

Yes.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Is it bullshit proof?

MATISYAHU

Eh, not so much.

NATASHA goes NUTS and pukes GREEN SLIME all over everything.

MADISON DAVENPORT

That's not green slime, it's the film's plot distilled into its natural form!

POSSESSED NATASHA CALIS

(head spinning)

PANCAKES! PANCAKES!!! PANCAKES!!!!

MATISYAHU

(holding Star of David and pocket-sized Torah)

The power of Yahweh compels you!

POSSESSED NATASHA CALIS

Your mother's here with us, Matisyahu. She says that you never call her and that you're not eating enough. She also wonders why you're not married yet and why you never finished medical school. You could've been a doctor!

MATISYAHU

OH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

NATASHA strikes a POSE from the opening of MATRIX RELOADED and runs off. JEFFREY chases her.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Leave my daughter, demon! Come into me instead!

POSSESSED NATASHA CALIS

Well now that you mention it I have always wanted to possess a famous Spanish actor like Javier Bardem.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Grrr! For the last time I am NOT... I mean yes that's me, friendo! Possess me!

POSSESSED JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Yes! I'm finally inside Javier Bar... hey wait a minute. This isn't Javier! I'm inside that jackass from Watchmen! Someone get me the hell out of here!

The DEMON crawls its way out of JEFFREY'S MOUTH. The DEMON looks like a TODDLER covered in RANCH DRESSING. NO, SERIOUSLY, IT DOES.

MATISYAHU uses his JEWISH POWERS to trap the DEMON inside the ANTIQUE BOX.

INT. KYRA SEDGWICK'S HOUSE

NATASHA is back to normal and MADISON is trying not to be a bitch so much to JEFFREY.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Hey Kyra, where's your boyfriend Grant?

KYRA SEDGWICK

Who?

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

So I guess I'm moving back in and we're getting remarried?

KYRA SEDGWICK

And all it took was a few deaths and a possession to bring us back together. That demon should be a marriage counselor.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

What happened to the antique box?

MATISYAHU

Not to worry, I am driving it to a safe place oh look I'm dead.

(hit by truck)

The ANTIQUE BOX is thrown from the car crash where it will eventually be picked up in a DIRECT-TO-DVD SEQUEL.

PRODUCER SAM RAIMI

(sobbing uncontrollably)

I used to make fun and entertaining movies. What the hell happened to me?

PRODUCER ROBERT TAPERT

I say we blame Bruce Campbell.

PRODUCER SAM RAIMI

That's your solution to everything.

(pause)

Fucking Campbell.

END