FADE IN:

INT. BANKS FARM - BRIGHTBURN, KANSAS

ELIZABETH BANKS and DAVID DENMAN buy every pregnancy book in existence trying to figure out how to turn sperm into babies.

DAVID DENMAN

(reading)

It says here I put the penis in, I squirt, and then a baby comes out. What am I doing wrong?

ELIZABETH BANKS

Maybe you should try my other ear.

DAVID DENMAN

Oh I see, better to establish the epic magnitude of our stupidity now to explain all our insanely bad decisions later.

Their colossal lack of brain cells attract an ALIEN SHIP that crash lands with a BABY inside.

ELIZABETH BANKS

It’s a miracle! Based on every stick of comic book lore in history I don’t see how adopting a human-looking alien could possibly go wrong.

10 years later they raise the baby into adorable well adjusted youngster JACKSON A. DUNN.

JACKSON A. DUNN

Yes, thanks to having two awesome parents I’ve become an average human kid.

ALIEN SPACESHIP

FUCK THAT NOISE YOU’RE EVIL NOW

JACKSON A. DUNN

Huh?

ALIEN SPACESHIP

KILL THEM ALL

JACKSON A. DUNN

So I don’t become a psychopath because of my upbringing or some traumatic event, I just get the “become evil” switch flipped in my brain and that’s it?

ALIEN SPACESHIP

PRETTY MUCH NOW GET WITH THE MURDERIN’

JACKSON shrugs his shoulders and starts being EVIL.

JACKSON A. DUNN

Whoops, I accidentally flung a lawnmower 100 feet across a field. I had better stick my hand in the blade to test my invulnerability.

He does this and breaks a perfectly good lawnmower, the bastard.

JACKSON A. DUNN

Sure that’s kind of a dick move but not exactly evil. I need to step up my game.

INT. APPLEBEES

Everybody celebrates JACKSON’s birthday.

MATT JONES

I’m Jackson’s cool uncle so I got him a hunting rifle!

DAVID DENMAN

Erm, given how badly the media is racially profiling young virginal white boys with guns these days I had better confiscate this weapon so people don’t think Jackson’s some kind of heartless mass murderer.

JACKSON A. DUNN

(eyes burning red with homicidal rage)

GIVE IT TO ME PUNY MORTAL OR I WILL FLAY THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES

ELIZABETH BANKS

That’s it you’re grounded mister.

INT. BANKS FARM

ELIZABETH snoops around JACKSON’s room and finds his stash of porn.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Well he is a maturing boy, this is perfectly normal.

Correction: JACKSON’s stash of creepy internal organ porn??

ELIZABETH BANKS

Eeeh, why couldn't it just be Hentai? WE could have bonded over Hentai. Is there any other creepy things about Jackson I should know about?

DAVID DENMAN

You mean like how I saw him chewing on a metal fork like it was a Twizzler? Nope, no important information like that worthy of discussing.

ELIZABETH BANKS

I’m sure our complete lack of communication is certainly not going to result in our horrific deaths in the end. Pfft. No way no how.

(swallows metric ton of stupid pills)

EXT. THE WOODS

ELIZABETH and DAVID take JACKSON on a camping trip.

DAVID DENMAN

Hey Jackson, I just want you to know it’s okay to play with your penis.

JACKSON A. DUNN

I heard “it’s okay to go needlessly terrorize a girl who smiled at me in class”.

DAVID DENMAN

Wait no I didn’t--

JACKSON A. DUNN

(flies off)

JACKSON has a crush on fellow classmate EMMIE HUNTER, so naturally his first instinct is to break into her house as she sleeps and scare the ever living shit out of her, like a true gentleman.

EMMIE HUNTER

I would be flattered by this if only you were a vampire with sparkle skin.

JACKSON A. DUNN

(breaks Emmie’s hand)

(just twists it into a fleshy pretzel shape)

Do you want to kiss me now?

EMMIE HUNTER

(in searing pain)

WHY DID YOU THINK PHYSICALLY HARMING ME WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO KISS YOU?????

JACKSON A. DUNN

Sorry, I’ve been spending too much time on the Reylo subreddit.

EMMIE HUNTER

Why did I even smile at you? If you looked any more inbred you'd be a sandwich.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Wait how is my bloodthirsty son able to crush a girl’s hand like that despite being 70 pounds soaking wet? Maybe David and I should ask some questions and discuss this in great detail like the intelligent non-retarded people we are? This is fine.

EXT. BANKS FARM

ELIZABETH sees JACKSON communicating with his evil spaceship via a levitation seizure.

ALIEN SPACESHIP

HEY JACKASS STOP DICKING AROUND AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD ALREADY

JACKSON A. DUNN

Wait what exactly was the plan here? Send me to earth as a baby and hope I don’t fall into the hands of some crackheads who might leave me to starve? Or some Elon Musk dude who dismantles my ship and turns it into a really ugly electric truck?

ALIEN SPACESHIP

Perhaps you are not hearing me, I said BE EEEEEVELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

JACKSON A. DUNN

Oh alright.

JACKSON starts killing chickens, smashing his parent’s belongings, and killing EMMIE’s mom while dressed like Red Scarecrow.

JACKSON A. DUNN

I also creep on my aunt and de-jaw my uncle because scribbling my initials a thousand times wasn’t quite evil enough.

DAVID DENMAN

Elizabeth! I’ve found Jackson’s bloody clothes so I know he is evil, can chew metal, and that his skin has never been cut!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Really? Because I saw him fall on his space ship and cut his arm on the alien metal.

DAVID DENMAN

Really? That’s some super crucial information I should really know--

ELIZABETH BANKS

Whoops I don’t tell you any of that because I’m a total moron who still thinks Jackson is a good boy.

DAVID DENMAN

Oh. Well in that case I’m going to take Jackson out to the woods and Old Yeller him with a gun I surely know won’t kill him, unless you want to tell me about that whole “his ship’s metal is his kryptonite” bit.

ELIZABETH BANKS

(looks off into space)

(whistles)

DAVID DENMAN

Good talk honey. We are true examples of a healthy marriage.

(shoots Jackson in the back of the head)

JACKSON A. DUNN

(is unharmed)

DAVID DENMAN

And it was at this moment, I knew, I fucked up.

JACKSON uses his heat vision to laser DAVID’s eyes out of his skull.

DAVID DENMAN

(has brain blown out the back of his skull)

Meh, I wasn’t using it anyway.

(dies)

Meanwhile ELIZABETH finds JACKSON’s murder diary, because of course he has a murder diary.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Hmm maybe now’s a good time to tell David all the creepy stuff I know about Jackson.

(calls David’s phone)

Hello?

JACKSON A. DUNN

This is David.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Really? This doesn’t sound like David. Anyway, Jackson is evil and he needs to be stopped. Wait why do I hear an echo? Am I on speaker phone?

JACKSON A. DUNN

No I’m floating just outside your window you poor stupid hu-mon.

He wrecks the house by flying through various walls for... reasons.

JACKSON A. DUNN

What? Destroying the property value of your parent’s house isn’t evil? I think it’s pretty evil.

SHERIFF MCDEADGUY

Elizabeth, we’re here to arrest your crazy super powered son.

ELIZABETH BANKS

How?

SHERIFF MCDEADGUY

With handcuffs and a stern tone of voice. Wait that’s not going to work is it

(is pulverized into red mist)

DEPUTY MCDEADCHICK

(is comically dribbled to death)

ELIZABETH BANKS

The stupid pills are wearing off so I just now this very moment remembered that Jackson can only be hurt with metal from his ship, so I’ll go get a conveniently knife-like shard of it and trick Jackson into letting me get close enough to stabby stabby.

JACKSON A. DUNN

Because deep down I still have some shred of humanity inside me?

ELIZABETH BANKS

Uh, sure, we’ll go with that. Then I will hold you very close while sloooowly raising the shard of metal up in the air.

(a minute goes by)

Still raising that shard up. Gotta get the right amount of stab-momentum.

(another minute goes by)

Almost... Almost there... gonna drop this stab like Leo drops a 29 year old...

(several more minutes go by)

Goddamn my arm is getting tired. That’s enough time I guess, time to stab my adopted son right in his adopted back.

But JACKSON stops her and flies ELIZABETH up into the sky.

JACKSON A. DUNN

I can’t die, I’m the first Injustice Leaguer in this new super villain franchise!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Ugh, more superhero movies?! Don’t you people already have 37 Spider-Man movies?

JACKSON A. DUNN

Hey weren’t you in like three of those Spider-Man movies??

ELIZABETH BANKS

Yes, I’m not above biting the hand that feeds me.

JACKSON A. DUNN

Neither am I.

ELIZABETH BANKS

(is dropped to her death)

(splats)

Then JACKSON intentionally kills an entire airplane full of people because now he has become HOMELANDER.

JACKSON A. DUNN

I dropped the plane on my house thereby covering up all evidence of my various murders, because Emmie’s mom’s decaying mutilated corpse I kept hanging around can surely be written off as an airplane crash related fatality. Now I can commit super-powered mayhem completely under the radar!

END

INT. THE INTERNET

JACKSON A. DUNN

Nah just kidding! I get filmed flying all around collapsing buildings, setting bush fires and burning my initials into corn fields because “take the world” basically means “be slightly worse than Jake Paul while floating”.

MICHAEL ROOKER

(podcasting)

And he’s not alone! There’s also an evil Fish Man! And a Wicked Woman! And hell let’s throw in Rainn Wilson’s Crimson Bolt because this was all a backdoor sequel to James Gunn’s 2010 film Super! It’s the beginning of an all new surprise cinematic comic universe!

JAMES GUNN

Hey it worked for M. Night Shyamalan, didn't it?

END