EXT. SOMEPLACE QUIET - 89 DAYS AFTER AN ALIEN INVASION

JOHN KRASINSKI, EMILY BLUNT, and their three kids QUIETLY walk to a QUIET drug store, QUIETLY. All dialogue is in sign language.

EMILY BLUNT

(signing)

Now remember kids, we're here to get medicine for your brother, but do NOT make any noise, for the demon/monster/alien creatures that took over our world react to sound.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

(signing)

Okay so I get not talking, but what if we have to sneeze or cough or something?

EMILY BLUNT

(signing)

I dunno... just don't, I guess. And spread your butt cheeks real wide if you have to fart.

CADE WOODWARD

(signing)

But mooooommm I wanna play with this toy rocket! Boom! Roar! Kapow!

JOHN KRASINSKI

(signing)

NOOOOO! Sorry kid, electronic rockets are too noisy. Now I'm going to take the batteries out and not put them in my pocket, 'cause it's not like this is something I could possibly use.

(puts batteries down)

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

(behind John's back)

(signing)

Here little bro, I'll give you the rocket, as long as you ignore the batteries sitting on the table right in front of you. You know, the things that would instantly make your toy more fun.

They all make their way towards home.

JOHN KRASINSKI

(still signing. Okay just assume signing from now on, it's getting really annoying typing that over and over)

So these monsters we're hiding from are pretty scary, but I can't decide whether they look more like a Demogorgon or Topher Grace's Venom.

EMILY BLUNT

Yes, it truly is a terrifying creature. By the way, do you think we handled that rocket situation correctly?

JOHN KRASINSKI

Of course we did. I'm 100% positive that our son listened to us and did not act the way a normal, curious, four year old would. It's also why we're having him walk in back of us instead of in front of us, because it's not like we need to keep an eye on him or anything.

CADE WOODWARD

(playing with toy rocket)

(making a ton of noise)

Wee! Rockets!

EMILY BLUNT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JOHN KRASINSKI

HOW UNEXPECTED!

A CREATURE appears! It snatches up the little boy then laughs at JOHN and EMILY for being so STUPID.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY 472

About a year has passed, and EMILY is nine months pregnant.

JOHN KRASINSKI

PREGNANT? Are you serious? Can you think of a worse situation than having a screaming baby in a world full of monsters specifically attracted to noise?

EMILY BLUNT

Hey, it's not my fault your pull-out game is weak, bruh.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Alright look, we've figured out how to live in complete silence for about a year and a half, so we can surely figure this out. Just like I figured out how to make cochlear implants for our deaf daughter!

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Hey Dad, thanks for the shitty implants that don't fucking work. Why don't you just give up?

JOHN KRASINSKI

Give me a break, kid! I taught myself how to make these things for you. Teenagers, amiright? Anyhoo, time to make more decisions for the well being of my family.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Oh, would that be to take Noah fishing instead of me? Especially when he doesn't want to go and I do?

JOHN KRASINSKI

Yes. You need to stay here, just in case something extremely clumsy happens to your pregnant mother. You know, like if she upends a nail on a stair and just leaves it there.

MILLICENT fucks off and EMILY upends a nail on a stair and just leaves it there.

INT. WOODS

JOHN and NOAH reach a waterfall and we finally get to hear some SOUND.

NOAH JUPE

How come you didn't want to take Millicent fishing, Dad? Is it because you blame her for Cade's death? You really shouldn't. Our whole family was pretty oblivious that day.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Eh, your probably right. And let's face it, it's sheer luck that we've survived up until this point. If she wasn't deaf, we wouldn't know sign language, and we'd be dead too. And hey, speaking of which...

JOHN HOWLS into the wilderness.

NOAH JUPE

HOLY SHIT DAD! ARE YOU A FUCKING MORO-

JOHN KRASINSKI

No son, it's safe to make noise here. Whenever there is loud, ambient noise, the monsters can't hear us.

NOAH JUPE

Wow. Now I'm just wondering whether it was an accident or a giant pair of brass testicles that made you try that for the first time.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Welp, we better get back to the house, just in case everything that could possibly go wrong happens within the next 24 hours.

INT. HOUSE

Back at home, EMILY starts having contractions!

EMILY BLUNT

Shit, too bad I'm not near that waterfall! Or if we built something else that produces loud, ambient noise. Okay, calm down, just make your way to the basement and turn on the red "SOS" lights. You'd think we would put multiple switches around the house just in case the person switching it was immobile or trapped.

She makes her way to the basement, but when she gets to the stairs, she steps on that stupid upended nail!

EMILY BLUNT

MOTHERFUCKKKKKKK ...I mean, eep! Seriously, did I really just Kevin McCallister myself? Gee, if only someone had made a movie 20 years ago parodying the stupid decisions people make in horror movies. This might not have happened! Oh wait...

To make things worse, a CREATURE comes down the stairs!

EMILY BLUNT

Double shit! Okay, now I'll just set off an egg timer to distract the thing, then run past it while trying not to step on that nail again, then drag my injured self all the way upstairs and into the bath tub to give birth, all while the creature is still hunting me!

(pause)

See, this is exactly why you don't have home births.

EXT. OUTSIDE - NIGHT

JOHN and NOAH reach the house and sees that their HIPSTER WEDDING LIGHTS have been turned RED, and it's at this point that PRODUCER MICHAEL BAY is getting restless.

PRODUCER MICHAEL BAY

Dude, I'm so boooooored. How can you stand all of this quietness?

JOHN KRASINSKI

Ugh, fine! I'll put in something that goes BOOM if it will get you off my back! Noah, set off some fireworks!

NOAH JUPE

Is this plan really called "Rockets?" As in, the incident from a year ago that got one of our family members killed?

NOAH sets off the FIREWORKS and JOHN runs into the house.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Oh no! The bathtub is all bloody, and there's no sign of Emily or the baby... they're gone! It's all my fault! Sob!

EMILY BLUNT

Oh heyyyy, now's a perfect time to use one of our super cool jump scares! Surprise lol! But seriously, we were right here in the shower the whole time. If you just looked around more than 45 degrees you would have seen us.

JOHN takes EMILY and their surprisingly quiet BABY down to a soundproof bunker. Meanwhile, MILLICENT and NOAH light a fire on top of a silo.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

The fire is dying out, and John is not coming for us.

NOAH JUPE

What makes you think that?

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Because him and I have animosity towards each other. Therefore, I'm convinced that he'll only come for you and let me die!

NOAH JUPE

You don't honestly believe your father would let you die, do you? God, could there be anything more dramatic--

(falls through a hatch)

NOAH begins sinking in the corn and MILLICENT jumps down after him. The corn sucks them both under but they manage to get on top of the metal door that also fell.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

This is weird. Not only are we needlessly reminding the audience of how Titanic should have ended, but we're also reminding them of the popcorn they haven't touched out of fear of making noise!

NOAH JUPE

Oh no! One of the monsters heard all the noise and trapped us in here! What do we do?!

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Hide under the door and pray we hit a hard patch in the corn! Let's also hope that the monster sinks and suffocates!

Unfortunately, only ONE HALF of that scenario happens.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Ow! My implant is making a high-pitched, irritating noise. This is very unpleasant and oh would you look at that, the monster freaked out and burst through the silo wall. Huh, we just got lucky I guess.

INT. SOUNDPROOF BUNKER

EMILY wakes up and realizes that the room is FLOODED because of a broken water pipe. A CREATURE comes down the stairs.

EMILY BLUNT

For God's sake, can't you assholes give me a break? Okay, this is tense. I've got to grab my baby and hide from the monster. I also must remain completely silent while wading through water, and if my baby makes even one sound, we're both done for.

(pause)

And holy shit is the audience still perfectly silent right now? I can't believe it! Cherish this moment folks, because we all know it will never happen again.

The creature hears something outside and runs off.

EXT. THE FARM

The kids escape the silo and find JOHN, who tells them to hide in a truck. He takes out an axe and looks for the CREATURE close by.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Okay, I've looked around more than 45 degrees this time, so I guess the monster is not near me. Is there any other direction I should look?

CREATURE

How about up, dumbass...

The CREATURE takes a swipe at JOHN. Seeing this, NOAH SCREAMS, and the CREATURE attacks the car with the kids in it!

JOHN KRASINSKI

(severely injured)

I must save my children. I will now tell them how much I love them, and then scar them for life by having them watch their dad get mauled.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Dad is signing "I love you." Aww, he doesn't hate me after all! I'm so glad we finally get closure to wait no DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

JOHN SCREAMS and sacrifices himself to the CREATURE.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

NOOOOOOOO-okay but seriously, did he really have to do that? I mean, sure he was injured, but do we know for sure he was a goner? He probably still could have thrown the axe he was holding...

NOAH JUPE

I don't know, this is also the guy who didn't hear that leaking water pipe when he walked right past it.

INT. BASEMENT

The kids reunite with EMILY, and as usual, a CREATURE follows them. EMILY takes out a shotgun.

EMILY BLUNT

Alright, time to blow this fucker's head off OH WAIT it's still got that bullet proof armor. Yep, we're fucked.

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Not unless I can find it's true weakness! There's got to be a clue somewhere in dad's workspace. Hmm, I see that his whiteboard says, "What's the weakness?" and I see that this newspaper clipping says, "IT'S SOUND." I also see a giant, fluorescent sign pointing to a pile of old cochlear implants.

(pause)

Well shit, I've finally figured out what was explained to the audience a long time ago! The alien-monster's super hearing caused some kind of feedback loop in my implant. What'dya know, Dad's shitty implant wasn't so shitty after all!

MILLICENT shoves her implant onto a microphone, amplifying the feedback. The alien-monster's HEAD FLAP THINGS open up, and EMILY finally kills it!

EMILY BLUNT

Well, that was certainly better than my idea. I would have played that song from "Mars Attacks!"

MILLICENT SIMMONDS

Look, two more creatures are coming towards the house! Guess we know how to defeat them, right mom?

EMILY cocks her gun, lights a cigar, and does her best CLINT EASTWOOD IMPRESSION as the screen cuts to BLACK.

The credits roll, and despite being a NITPICKER'S NIGHTMARE, the movie ends up being a surprise hit.

JOHN KRASINSKI

Great! So does this mean you'll all stop calling me "Big Tuna?"

NO.

END