"TELL ME HOW YOU GOT RID OF ALL YOUR TATTOOS SO FAST! TELL MEEEEE!!!!!!"

BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. GOTHAM CITY

TARA STRONG is BATGIRL.

TARA STRONG

(actual line)

I realize this is probably not how you thought this story would start.

BAT-CONROY

You mean with cheap looking paper mache animation?

TARA STRONG

...yes.

BAT-CONROY

And a 30 minute Batgirl filler teaser trailer before we even get into the actual Killing Joke?

TARA STRONG

...also yes.

BAT-CONROY

And no sight of The Joker for more than half the film even though he’s plastered all over the ads and the only character on the movie poster?

TARA STRONG

Sounds like the DCU ad department is at it again!

Suave criminal MAURY STERLING has stolen a TRUCK. TARA swings in SPIDER-MAN STYLE to stop him.

TARA STRONG

Alright! Time to show the world how capable I am as Gotham’s premiere lady superhero!

(fails)

BAT-CONROY

(scowling)

Tara, you are a terrible crime fighter. You have disgraced me and this city. Kill yourself.

TARA STRONG

(runs away crying)

INT. LIBRARY

TARA talks with her best friend, GAY STEREOTYPE.

TARA STRONG

Grrr!! I hate stupid Bat-Conroy and his stupid superior Bat-Badassness! Doesn’t he know I’m the best crime fighter ever?!

GAY STEREOTYPE

I hear you girlfriend. Wait, you sound sexually frustrated. Are you sleeping with Bat-Conroy?

TARA STRONG

Eww!!! God no! Yuck! He’s like an older brother. A second father at most!

GAY STEREOTYPE

Oh good. Because that would be fucking gross.

TARA STRONG

I know! Right?

INT. STORAGE VAULT PLACE

MAURY is committing CRIME when TARA arrives.

MAURY STERLING

Greetings Tara. I have lured you here because I have become sexually obsessed with you.

TARA STRONG

The first time we met you shot at me and kicked me off of a moving truck.

MAURY STERLING

Yes. Doing the nasty with an incompetent superhero is my biggest turn on.

TARA STRONG

I AM NOT INCOMPET

(is knocked out)

BAT-CONROY has to swoop in and rescue her SORRY ASS.

TARA STRONG

Oh Godamnit! He did not rescue me! I locked myself in a vault before passing out!

BAT-CONROY

Because that doesn’t make you sound like an even bigger fuck-up. Stay away from Maury. He’s a narcissistic sociopath who will make you laugh as he slits your throat.

TARA STRONG

Boy, that sounds an awful lot like The Joker. Ohhh!!! Maury’s pre-Joker Joker isn’t he!

BAT-CONROY

That would be an interesting twist that just might justify tacking on this boring Batgirl prequel.

But that DOESN'T HAPPEN.

TARA STRONG

Huh? Wait, so if Maury’s character has nothing to do with The Joker then what is the point of all this?

The "movie" is JUUUUST LONG ENOUGH to be theatrical length and runs for only TWO DAYS and makes almost $4 MILLION DOLLARS.

TARA STRONG

Oh. Because fast easy money. Duh.

MAURY STERLING

Hey sexy. I’m leaving you clues to my hideout Carmen Sandiego-style, which is obviously a trap, obviously.

TARA STRONG

Great! I’ll prove to Bat-Conroy how wrong he is about my total lack of crime fighting skills by avoiding Maury’s trap and taking him down!

TARA trips and falls RIGHT INTO THE GODDAMN TRAP like the inept klutz she is.

BAT-CONROY swoops in and saves her DUMB ASS once again.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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